Need Couseling?

I think sometime in counseling is a good idea. I do not think asking for a separation is a good idea. There is going to be a major conference at River Oak Church in Chesapeake April 18-19.
The man leading it is a wonderful counselor and there will be childcare available at the conference. It is designed to make marriages better. It might be a less threatening environment for your husband and less of a commitment than long term counseling. It could be a place to start and then maybe he will see the need to work further on your marriage. It sounds to me that if you get things in better order with your marriage then you may feel better in all areas of your life.

Hi, A.!

Someone else has probably already mentioned this; I didn't read all your responses. Sounds to me like you are suffering from depression. I too have depression (treated, but sometimes I need "tune-ups"). I've had it since I was in my 20's and I am now 55. More than likely, you inherited this disease genetically. I know I did. My family "treated" it with alcohol, as there was no other help available back then. Then they were also alcoholics! And I'm sure you know that alcohol is a depressant, so it was a vicious circle for them all.

What you should do ASAP is get a referral to a psychiatrist (for medication) AND a referral to a qualified therapist for counseling. If you don't like either after a few visits, don't be afraid to switch. BOTH are needed to cope with this. It is NOTHING to be ashamed of!!! It is NOT a character defect; it IS an illness like diabetes that needs continual treatment. Your husband will have to be taught this, too, so he can help you and not "down" you for it.

Call your primary care doctor ASAP and DO IT! Please let us know how you're doing in about two months (that's how long it may take, or it may be shorter). I know I care, as this disease is very painful and destructive!

God bless,
Pam

get alone with god & give your heart to him. Let him rule your life & he will make all the difference.

James & Jaylene

Hi A.,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru such a hard time. It sounds to me that you may be experiencing post partum depression. I've never experienced it myself, but I have spoken to many women who have, and it can make you feel all "upside down" inside. My advice to you is to see your doctor, and be completely honest and open about how you are feeling, and then you can discuss treatment options and possibly some therapy. You'll get thru this, just hang in there.If you need someone to talk to you can always send me a message, and I'll do my best to try to help. Good luck.

A., reading that was like listening to myself. I know what you are going through. I was the same way before my hubby deployed, I am not sure what it is going to be like when he gets home. The words Divorce and Seperation have come up so many times, our whole life went down hill after out first child was born. I don't know if it was the stress, the finances or something else, but before he deployed, we were both miserable. The good thing about a deployment is it gives you a seperation, without really seperating. I think sometimes people need a little help, without going broke on shrink bills. Try looking to the Pastor of your church (if you attend) if you don't attend church, maybe you should start. I know neither of us are very religious, but there is something about God that is comforting and may help you open up to each other. If all else fails, you may meet a new friend. Good Luck, sweetie. I know it is hard. But always remember, as a mom it is your job to do what is best for the kids, too. If you guys are always fighting, it isn't good for the kids to be around. Even if you don't talk to him b/c you are mad, the tension is there and kids can feel that. Also try talking to the chaplin on base, they are great resources for you and may be able to refer you to someone, or just listen for a while. Just don't go to the catholic preist at NOB, he is very mean. Trust me I know. Good luck. If you need something, let me know.

This sounds more like it is you and not the marriage. Post-partum depression can last a long time. Seek counseling for yourself and talk to your doctor about anti-depressants. Don't throw away your marriage. I had severe post-partum and was on medication and counseling for over a year...it saved my marriage! Good luck.

Hi A.,
I recently lost my younger brother. He had a heart attack and died at the age of 36. Life is far too short! You should seek the help you need to cope with your depression -- go see a doctor and get advice. Your family, including your husband, should be cherished every second of every day! Just think if it all changed suddenly.... how would you feel then. Some hopeful advice from a caring friend, S.

Dear A.,
I have been down that road. I am 43 with a 5 and 6 year old that I home school. My husband is in the coast guard so we don't have as long of deployments as some, but this is our 6th year of him being gone for about 6-8 months out of the year, although not all at once. Prior to having children I was a succeful professional and now I never really get a pat on the back.
The fighting seems to be a common thing especially when they first return and trying to fit back in, and right before they leave, trying to distance ourselves so the leaving is not so hard.
Postpartum depression is a real medical problem, have you talked with your MD about how you are feeling???
I also have problems with intimancy after the return. We have gone for so long without it is hard to get back into it. I have found that if I think about it during the day, and we do a message and some talking it really helps me to be more in the mood. It seem for women it is much more a mental, than a physical process of getting in the mood.
I am a Christian and therefore do not really believe in divorce, especially with children. My opinion, take it as you will, is that once you are seperated it is easier to divorce than to reunite.
Feel free to e-mail off site at ____@____.com, if you are in the Portsmouth area maybe we can get toghether for a play date or something.
Hope this has been of help.
P.

Hi A.,

Get some counselling on your own. You can not control someone to do as you want.

Dr. Richard Huey is an excellent Therapist at ###-###-#### cell or his office: ###-###-####

Another resource is a support group for parents:

http://Attachmentparenting.meetup.com

If there is an alcohol or drug addiction in your family, then Al-anon Support groups are also available. Their telephone number is ###-###-####.

Take care of yourself. There is help out there. All you have to do is seek it. Your husband is unable to nurture you at this time. He is trying to support the family and serve his country.

Get a massage from the Fuller School of Massage with a student. Their massages are as cheap as you will be able to find.

Good luck. D.

I also am a militay wife. I know the strugles of deployment with kids. I don't know if you attend church anywhere but I do know that my faith in God and my christian friends have helped me throught times I thought I couldn't make it. We all go throuth trials, it is how we rise about them that makes us who we are. I know your husbans command has a Chaplain. My husband is a Navy Chaplain and they can be there to help you and it is free. Take advantage of what God has put there for you. Trust in God and you will be suprised at the out come. Just remember one thing (This to shall pass)and a rainbow will be on the other side. Pray and trust God and I know you will be victorious. I also recomend a book call (His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Williard Harley, Jr.) It is a good help for troubled marriages.

Don't seperate. Go get counseling for yourself. You need to work on YOU and take care of YOU before you can take care of anyone or anything else. I've gone through 3 births and it was different after each one and took a different amount of time to become "normal" again. Good for you for recognizing something is off. Take care and good luck. You will be in my prayers. God bless you and your family.

Hi A.,

I too go through this. I am a SAHM with 3 & 1 on the way. My husband is no longer in the military, so deployments are not an issue. However, the physical & emotional attachments have been an issue for us at times. One thing that I have learned in the recent past was, get a babysitter and go out & do things that you did when you were dating. For some reason, when we started routinely going out (about once a month or so) I have been more attracted to him & have been arguing less. Help is always an option. Personally I do not believe in divorce, but there are counselors out there that can help work out problems. If you have the money & he has the time off, you should definately look into having a weekend away together. Forget all of your problems for the weekend & rekindle the love. I pray that this helps you! I have a desire for married people to be completely happy in their marriage like I am in mine. Good luck & God bless!

A.,

It's hard for me to give advice to someone I don't know and I can only tell you what I would do/have done. First I'd go to counseling myself. There are several authors/books I would plunge into reading: Marianne Williamson "A Return to Love," Louise Hay "You Can Heal Your Life," Elizabeth Gilbert "Eat Pray Love," Eckhart Tolle "A New Earth."

I experienced some sever depressive episodes years ago and it took me a long time to "get out of the woods." I sought professional help and was on medication for about 10 months. I take time to care for myself and I do that by eating healthy, exercising and every morning I journal, pray and meditate. In my journals I make a gratitude list and it always includes the following things that are most important to me: peace, love, joy, grace, unity, prosperity, beauty, strength, power, guidance, direction, vibrant health, compassion, open heartedness, generosity, forgiveness, truth, balance, intimacy, patience, and respect.

I recently started writing down the thing that gave me the most joy the day before and I write down what I really, really, really want. (I journal in the morning but lots of people do it at night). I believe it's important to continually learn what truly brings us joy so that we can become more clear on what we really want. I know our thoughts are very powerful and we will get what we want if we're clear and put our intentions out there. Othewise we are at the mercy of what everyone else wants for us. And, if we constantly send out mixed intentions we will get mixed results.

It's the little things that make a big difference for me. I found out where my depression came from so I could do what I needed to heal. Affirmations and being aware of my thoughts are very helpful.

Healing/growing has been difficult and painful at times but, for me, the rewards have been amazing. Everyone has their own dragons to slay. It takes desire, courage and commitment to slay them.

You've taken the first steps and I encourage you to keep going! Only you can know the right path for you. Seek and you shall find! Never, never, never give up!

Why don't you try the therapy so that you can get some insight!!
WHy be unhappy!!
I was depressed for a long time..and I don't have kids at all...I got some therapy I also got some meds(low dosage),am doing a LOT better, now,( but, you could be having a depression..and you need to find out soon!) Don't let this go to the wayside!! find out, this is major!!
This is YOUR life...how do you want to live it? Good luck in the future!!

J. K.

I understand a little bit on how you feel. My husband just started a cab company which is doing great but, my daughter and I never see him for longer than 2 1/2 hours a day. He works the night shift. My husband feels like I don't provide his needs emotionally or physically. Right now I feel the same way. I feel down, I don't like the way I look (gain 60lbs during pregnancy five years ago the weight came off but, I have put it back on), I feel lonely, I would love another child, and my husband thinks I don't love him. My problem is he wants me to try couseling and I think I am ok. I just need things to be different. I want to feel loved and cared for. Our daughter is what gets me through the day b/c, I know my husband will be running off to work when I get home.

Have you considered talking with your doctor about the possibility of post-partum depression? Luckily, I have not experienced this myself, but I have done a lot of reading on the subject for a friend and post-partum issues can linger for a very long time after birth. Maybe you should try treating yourself (medication?) before doing anything rash, like separating from your husband. You need to be in the right frame of mind before making a huge, life altering decision like that!! Stress, loneliness and worry can make any situation so much worse because everyone is already on edge. Before you decide to leave your husband, make sure that the problem is really with your relationship and not something else.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. As a Navy spouse with two children, I understand the "joys" of deployments. I'd put money on the fact that your husband doesn't realize how depressed and unhappy you are. If you truly don't want to leave your husband, I wouldn't even put that out there. The last thing you want is a separation due to anger and hurt feelings. You do need to let your husband know how extreme your feelings are and you do need to talk to someone else in a position to help you. I'm sure you've heard it before, but when you're talking to your husband, be careful not to start your sentences with "You don't" and "You never". Remember that it's about YOUR feelings (and not necessarily his reality - sorry if that sounds harsh) and that's how you need to word things. I agree with the other ladies that God works miracles...and sometimes he uses doctors and therapists to make those miracles happen. I hope you feel better quickly!

A.,
I know that deployments can be difficult. My husband and I have been thru 2 of them and getting ready to do our 3rd. I also went thru depression after the birth of my baby girl. It didn't take TOO long to get over it but it did take longer than I thought it should. I went to see my dr and found out that I have "hypothyroid". That can cause depression..so what you think is post pardom depression, it could be something more serious. You might want to go to your doctor and ask for your levels to be checked. As far as your husband goes, have you sat down with him and told him how you really feel deep down or does he think you want to go for help just b/c you fight a lot? If not maybe you should just set him down...find a babysitter for the night and just let everything out in the open...if you fight, fight it out but at least he will know how you feel. Maybe you could even go to a local church and ask the pastor for some advice. My thoughts are with you and I hope it all works out. =)

A.,

First of all, the real issue lies with the way you feel about yourself. If you have not already seen your doctor to be prescribed a anti-depressant like Lexapro or Paxil, then you should do so. Second, leaving him to get a response from him is not the way to do things. He needs to understand that all you do is be a mom. It is hard to take "ME" time when you are constantly caring for children. A five minute shower seems to be a luxury at times. When you go to the doctor, have your husband go with you. Sometimes that helps men hear you more, and men hear things more clearly when they come from someone else. He needs to be supportive of you and provide you with time to yourself. One hour a day to just relax in the bubble bath or go grocery shopping by yourself or go to a movie. You just seem to have lost your identity. We all get caught up in being a mom and lose pieces of who we are as a person if we do not care for ourselves from time to time. It is not selfish. Being a mom is a full time job and more, so to ask for one hour to yourself is not selfish, and your husband should be understanding of that.

Try going to the FFSC-they have free confidential counseling appointments there and the counselors are really nice and are really good at jsut listening and not being judgemental. You can even just go once or twice and if you decide you don't like it they won't hassle you to come back. I went and it really did help me a lot. You may have post partum depression that you may need to get some help for-one you get "you" taken care of, it is a lot easier to take care of other things outside yourself. I am dealing with the same sort of thing right now, so if you ever would like to talk, just write me back. Best of luck to you!