Need Advice on Moving a Three Year Old to New Town After Divorce

My daughter was 3 when my ex-husband and I divorced 23 years ago and I was completely honest with her about the whole thing. She did well even tho she didn't see him for several years,(I too moved in with my parents in another state). Always be honest with your child, never tell him a lie. They learn from you even at this age. If you are always truthful with him, he will be truthful with you throughout his life. My child, now 26, thanks me for always being honest with her and she is instilling the same honesty in her two sons now. Show him truth and respect and he will return it! Let him know you two can not live together anymore and that is why you are going to live with his grandparents, but that you both still love him just the same. No matter how hard it may be sometimes throughout his life never talk bad to him or around him about his daddy, just let him know how much you both love him. Even tho my daughter's father rarely called or sent her anything over the years I continued to tell her he loved her. Even after I remarried 3 years later, we both did not speak bad about her father or try to put her in the middle of any between us. Even if later you hear that maybe his father speaks bad about you try not to do the same thing. He will remember this as he grows, he will love and respect you more for it. Remember he is young and he will come thru this as you will too. Good luck with your new life and I pray God's many blessings and guidance for you!! B.

I went through almost the same thing when my son was 2 1/2. But we came home to an apartment that my now exhusband had taken everything he wanted, and I came home to a mattress on the floor, the next day I gave my son a plastic container and told him we were moving and he could help momma by packing up his toys. He was only involved one day and that night we slept at my mom and grandmothers house.

One suggestion, move Christmas decorations while he is gone from both houses. But have him help pack his stuff, like clothes and toys and his tub toys. That way in his indepenece state, he feels like he is doing for himself plus it helps you with almost most of one space.

At first my son said almost daily that he wanted his daddy, and I told him the same response repeatedly, Mommy and Daddy no longer live together. You live with mommy and you get to go and visit your daddy. After 2 months and a protection order for 2 1/2 months he quit asking. Now that visitation has been going on, my exhusband does not even use the amount that the court gave him, canceling out on the 2 hour wednesday night and brings him back early on his sunday.

Remember to find your extra stores of patience, and to take at minimum 15 minutes a day for yourself, you have to stay mentally strong through the adjustment time.

Dear KG, i'm so sorry you're even having to go thru this situation. I think you have to be very careful to give your little guy only as much info as he needs...maybe not include him in the entire move but let him know that you're moving to grandmas house...new adventure, new friends and yes all his toys, clothes, etc will be there....that Mommy and Grandma/Grandpa will be there. Make it a secure and safe thought process. As far as what to tell him about Daddy...i divorced when my son was 3, we made the move an adventure and i just told him that mommy and daddy weren't going to live together any more but that we both love him very much and hopefully his dad will continue to see him and you and his dad can be nice to each other for his sake. That part makes it so much easier on a little guy. The day will come when he may think that the divorce had something to do with him, right now he's probably too young for that but when that day comes just reassue him that he is wonderful and that you both love him very much and that he had NOTHING to do with the situation, it was all about the adults....hope this helps some....good luck...R.

I think you should explain the situation to him because at his age he is fully aware of what is going on. Just pray about it and God will give you the necessary words to say to him. In due time everything will be alright.

I can not tell you how to hand the divorce issues because I have never been there but I do know that Dad needs to resure him that he still loves his little boy and that he will see him as much and possible. Now for the moving part he needs to see the stufff being move and even help with packing his toy and this if possible. Also you and your hubby need to tell him the nice things about the move like getting to his his grandparents all the time, etc. After you arrive allow him sometime to grief in his own way over the newness of not living with his dad any more and not doing some of the old things that he enjoy at his old home. Second talk to him about interesting things he can do at the new home like if the library has a wonderful child time , a cool new park ,baking cookies with grandmother , I am sure you get the picture. He will be fine as long as you are there when he needs to talk.

I am going through the exact same thing. My son is also three. I agree with you. I think he should see the house cleaned out. I might help to give him some closure. If not, he might always wonder "when are we going home"? Good luck with everything. It helps to hear I'm not the one in my position!

I think that the more information you give your child, the better. This will open the lines of communication and make him more comfortable asking you questions. We moved to a new house this year and our youngest was three at the time. We were open with our kids about the moving process. They saw us pack and we discussed about how we were taking our things to our new house. On the day of the closing, when the house was empty, we went back and walked through all of the rooms and said "good bye" individually to each room. The older girls did cartwheels in each room. I agree with you tht he should be involved. That would help him trust you and not feel like you are hiding something. If he feels sad that you are leaving, you need to know that so you can help him work through it. As for the Daddy questions, I don't know the situation. I just know that children need to know that they are loved and that they are NOT the reason for the marital problems. Children (especailly this age) are extremely egocentric and think that everything that happens is because of them. Assure him over and over that you and his daddy love him and he is not the cause of the problems.

I think it would make him sad to see his things moving out and the undoing of what he calls home. It is sort of sad for us adults when we pull out of the drive for the last time. We've never let the children be home during a move and it is safer also. In our city, a young child was actually killed during a move when a heavy piece of furniture fell over on him. They really don't need to be around. His home will be wherever his mom is and his things are placed. Just tell him the house was sold and this is our new home!!! They all understand "new" and he'll adapt much easier than you'll think. We were nervous about our 4 yr. old in a move and he never blinked when he saw that all his things were still there. We laughed at ourselves for worrying so much about the way he would deal with it all. Keep the attitude positive and it will be all good for him.

Don't know what to say about "where's Daddy?" but I think it would be better for your son to see the tree coming down and everything being moved; otherwise he will think it's all still there. Moving will be an adjustment anyway, but he will probably be better for seeing the transition, rather than being scooped up and never seeing his home again and wondering what happened.

I agree he needs to see the house empty. It will help avoid months of questions about "when are we going HOME?" - "remember, we packed up all our stuff and brought it here. somebody else lives in that house now." He may be sad or he may even find it funny to run through his empty house.

As to Daddy be kind (always! even if he is a rat) and be honest. "Daddy loves you very much, but he doesn't live with us anymore. You will see him next week (of whenever next visit is)." Allow phone calls, draw pictures, whatever helps him. Be prepared to answer these questions several hundred times. It doesn't mean that your kid isn't getting it - that is just how 3 yr olds process - repetition! You may even look for age appropriate books on divorce to read a story about another little boy whos parents separated.

Sorry you are having to go through this - good luck!