Need Advice on Handling Emotional 6 Y-o Daughter

My daughter began emotional outbursts like that when she was closer to 4. We very quickly discovered that there was usually an event that triggered the insecure emotions, the first being her dad and I divorcing. From there, it could be an event at school involving her teacher or friends or something that her dad or I said. What we finally figured out was it wasn't the event that mattered as much as *her perception* of the event. She began acting out in ways that were unacceptable, like stealing, and we eventually got a child psychologist when she was about 8. He helped her to sort out some of her feelings and put things in perspective, but it definitely didn't cure her long term. The biggest benefit of the psychologist was that she got to vent confidentially to someone that wasn't her parents.

Long term, we've had to talk to her before it escalated into blaming us. One thing we learned was to stop her and ask her if her behavior is appropriate, have her explain why it is or isn't, then ask her how she could have handled the situation better. We've had days where that exercise was done 3 times in less than 10 minutes, but over time, it's been a valuable tool for us. As she matured, we were able to discuss her perception of the situation and then ask her what other possibilities could be. It really allowed her to think past the emotions and look at the whole picture. She wasn't always able to come up with other scenarios herself and we would help walk her through that, but she is 12 years old now and is much more thoughtful and rational than she was before.

Definitely make sure that she isn't having any issues as school, like bullying or teasing. Remember that most of what she's going to get upset about doesn't have *anything* to do with your love for her. It's because she knows you love her that she acts out that way. Good luck and let me know if you need any other suggestions! I've got 8 years worth of hits and misses with that girl!

check out her diet - some people get too emotional on too much sugar, not enough brain foods.

I would tell myself to ignore the fits and be sure she is getting enough phsyical contact from you. Don't say anything, just give her a hug, rub her shoulder, love on her like you did when she was a baby. I guess that's all I can think of.

My oldest daughter was very emotional. I have read Love and Logic...kept it on hand...still do. When she would start freaking out, I would send her to her room very matter-of-factly. She was free to freak and tantrum all she wanted in there. There was no use trying to talk her in to anything or trying to talk her out of anything. She would go in her room and go crazy...ripping up paper, books, drawings...pulling out drawers, clothes, etc. It would go on sometimes for soooo long, but I just let her do it. When she calmed down, I would take a garbage bag to her and tell her she could come out of her room after she cleaned up...and I would offer her a glass of water. After a few times of this, the room tantrums got much better and eventually the tantrums completely went away...we just didn't feed them. However, we did often think of having her analyzed to see if she needed a therapist...which we did by the school counselor. Turns out she's fine, but I'm glad I know. She hasn't had a major meltdown in the past...hmmmm, about 2 years.

Do not ignore this. I agree love on her as much as possible and talk to her when she is calm and alone. Maybe make a date of it. Try going to a sit down bakery and having som,e dessert and hot chocolate and talk. If you can't figure it out, then talk to a couselor and get her cheduled for some play therapy right away.

Did something happen to upset your daughter a few weeks ago, when this started? If so, whatever it is, you need to deal with it first. When she is calm, reassure her, ask her what she thinks about the event, answer her questions. If you don't know if anything happened, ask her when she is calm. Maybe nothing happened to set this off. In that case, I would tell her when she gets started that you love her. Once, and that's it. When she says you're ignoring her, tell her once that you are listening and you already said you love her. Don't say anything else. When she is calm, tell her again you love her. Show her lots of love all the rest of the time. Hopefully this helps.

You are great in acknowledging her feelings, I have a very sensitive and emotional six year old daughter as well. We had to go to counselling last summer due to issues she had with my divorce on top of the emotional stuff. One thing we learned is it is great to let them know you hear them, you understand their feelings however you need to redirect them in a positive manner of getting it out. I tell my daughter, you don't have to like what I am saying, you don't have to like the rules, it is okay to feel this way or that way, HOWEVER it is not okay to pitch a fit, it is NOT okay to act out due to your feelings. You need to go sit in your room or somewhere else, calm down and I would love to talk to you about it when you are calm.
Our counselor said "you cannot ever control a child, you can however teach them to control themselves"..which is so true.
I will tell my daughter that I know she is sad or upset but I have a hard time hearing her when she is crying or whining and if she wants to talk to me it is best she calms down first.
This is normal phase I believe, from all my friends with girls the girls do this most of all.
I can tell my daughter a million times that I love her and then she will get mad and comes back with the "you don't love me"...then I ask her "do you really believe that?"...then she will sit there and then say "no, I don't really think that"..so it is just that they are emotionall creatures and with the emotions come strong words.
I am working big time with my daughter about the power of words and how you cannot take things back once said, to take time out when she is angry or sad and think before she speaks so she doesn't make the situation worse. It has taken me six mos but it is finally getting through. I always say it is okay to be angry but when you open your mouth in anger you will end up in more trouble with your words. You need to calm down first. She has now learned to walk away when she is upset to calm down. I will punish for disrespect which is usually driven from over emotions and words said during that time!! :)
Just simply ask her "do you really believe that" and if she says yes, say "then I really want to talk to you about what makes you think that way"...then let her get it off her chest.
Don't just say "yes I do love you" as that leads to nowhere but engage with her WHY she thinks that and more often then not she will realize she just said it out of emotions and not really believing it. Try helping her get through the WHY she has the feeling and don't respond to the remark itself.
Make sense? It is working here, after a LONG road believe me.
Make very certain too she is getting a good nights sleep and the rest she needs as I know my daughter gets worse with being tired!

Go to the library and check out the "What to do when kids Drain your energy" CD. When she says, You don't love me.... Use your "1-liner" - "Nice Try." Remember, don't engage, just keep repeating your 1-liner. If you need to, switch to "I love you too much to argue" over and over again. Rule #1 in Love & Logic, don't lecture, explain, or argue. Do this with empathy and you'll be on the right track. Good luck!

Need a refresher course on Love & Logic? Check out my website for class schedules -- www.shellymoorman.com

I can understand why some people would think that you shouldn't worry about it and just ignore the behavior but any time a child has such large emotional outbursts there is something very important they are trying to express without knowing how or being to scared to get it out right. I would take your daughter aside sometime when she's feeling calm and talk to her, get her busy coloring or something simple like that which she enjoys while you ask her to talk to you about what's been upsetting her so much. It can't really be the little things that set her off when you're around. It could be just something someone said that really hurt her feelings but she feels silly or stupid to bring it up or it could be something more serious. Whatever it is it is something that is very serious to her.

If you can't seem to get her to say what's really bothering her I would talk to the school counselor and have them coach you on how to talk to her, if that fails then have the school counselor talk to her.

This should NOT be ignored, I remember all to well an important conversation I should have had with my mother when I was very young but instead of anyone talking to me about my outbursts they waited until things got much more serious and I had problems with it for most of my young life instead of taking care of it when the problem first came up.

Take care.

Both my daughter and my son went through something similar at age 6. Maybe it is partly a developmental thing. My only advice is just to hold her as often as you can. For a while, forget cleaning the house and everything else and just hold her. Watch cartoons together, read together, whatever. Just let her feel your loving touch. I agree that you should talk to her about something that might have started this whole issue. I would also try talking to her teacher. Maybe her teacher has some insight as to what is going on at school.

You sound like a great mom - hang in there! Good luck and remember - the only person with ALL the right answers is your Heavenly Father. Don't be afraid to ask....

L.