Need Advice on Getting My Son Back

Mom,

If it was me I wouldn't have even let him go in the first place, - my son has also asked me if he could live with his dad, and like you i also have little ones,

i said NO, to him and his father,

-- MOM simply say no and put your foot down,
this is your child, not an experiment,go file the papers and get him back home, as for the money, have it drawn from his paycheck, this way you don't have to beg for it,and fight about it,

NOW GO GET YOUR SON BACK

M

Dear K., I can't imagine the pain you are going through so my heart goes out to you. so here is my advice to me this is plain and simple. You must get your son back. Your son is the important issue here. Hopefully you can sit down with your ex and convince him that your son must return home with you for all the reason that you say above. (if money is the issue and you say that you don't care about it well... then forget the child support) once again your son is what matters. As for his behavior remember that he is going through puberty and Junior high is a very dramatic change. So if you don't like his friends, the environment, and his grades you must get him into another environment. As for his reluctance to come to you, i say to bad you are the mother you make the decisions. He will be upset for a while but with "tough love" and hard discipline you will get your son back in track. Also your son needs his father so do not exclude him from the process (even if is hard for you). Good luck to you.

Hi K.,

I would go and file those papers. Maybe the dad is telling him something that is making him feel badly. I would keep trying to talk to your son and see if you can really get under why he would stay there. He is not telling you something. I would work on both, carefully talking to your son and filing those baby. This is the time that will form and make your children. He needs you. Good Luck! :)

Oh boy, you are in a tough situation!
It seems to me that you already know the answer of what to do. I say go to court and get custody again! Can you prove that he was never in trouble before he went to live with his father?
the courts will consider this.

As far as his father getting mad about paying support... who cares? let him be mad!
As for your son, maybe he says he doesn't want to come back to live with you because he feels like he screwed up too much. Maybe he also feels that he failed because things didn't work out being with his dad.
Talk to him. Let him know that you want him back...not just because he got into trouble, but because you love him and miss him. Let him know that he is not a screw up and that all kids make mistakes, alot of adults too.

I would also be sure to tell the courts of the father putting your son in the middle of the support issue in the past. They will tell him not to do it again. He might even get in trouble if he does and you report it.

Tell the couselor what you want to have happen and ask that they recommend it to the court. Make sure you are honest with them about it.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you and your son.

Sounds like he likes the freedom he has at his Dad's house. It doesn't sound like his Dad is very involved. If he was your son would not have had time to get into trouble. I would fight for him to come home before something more drastic happens. Keep talking to your son. You could always try the "it would help me out alot if you would come home" lie. Maybe it's his pride. He wants to feel needed to come back and doesn't want to admit that it was a mistake to try to live with his father.

Wow, my heart goes out to you. Teenage years can be so rough on kids and parents! My son had a lot of issues at that age. My husband doted on our daughter but even he was sure she had been taken over by aliens when she turned 13. The good news is that my son turned 21 the other day and totally appreciates and respects his parent again. Some teenage angst is inevitable. Kids do go through tough times on their way to adulthood. However, I'm not saying suggesting that you just sit back and let nature take its course. Your son definitely needs help. A counselor is a great idea. I hope that you and your ex will also be scheduling appointments with the same counselor. My suggestion would be to not make any rash moves now that might alienate your son from you. If you take legal action, and your husband "flips out" he's most likely going to be bad mouthing you to his son and putting him in the middle. That's just more pressure on a kid that already is having difficulty coping. Hang in there and work with your son and the counselor to come up with a plan. Hopefully, the idea of your son moving back will be the plan. It will have much more of a chance of being successful if it comes as a result of of calm discussion instead of you taking legal action. In the meantime, is it possible for you to schedule more time with your son? Perhaps take a trip with you to visit relatives or go on vacation. My kids went with me to New Orleans to work on Habitat for Humanity. Sometimes when a kid realizes that others have it worse than they do and that they are in the position to help another it makes them look at themselves differntly. It also might help if you can get your son involved in a group of peers that shares a common interest but not a destructive one. Although it's not the season, snowboarding comes to mind. Two out of three of my children have been involved in our church's youth group which has been a nice group of kids for them to do things with.
My last piece of advice is, it wouldn't hurt to pray! Good luck to you.

Hi K.,
What a horrible story!! You're son is still very young and can get back on track, but only with your help. Many of us have crappy exes, and here's some food for thought? Can you and your ex put your differences aside and focus on getting your son back on track? Doesn't your ex have to pay child support no matter what? Meaning, if your son lives with his dad, doesn't your ex still have to pay for dressing him, food, etc? So what's the difference where your son lives, your ex still has to pay? Whose idea was it for your son to live with his dad, yours or the court's? If it was yours, then maybe family court can order him back home. Unfortunately male exes think they can control their women forever, and make all the decisions. My advice is to find a lawyer or seek advice from family court before getting the criminal court involved. Your son needs guidance and direction, puberty doesn't make it easy for him either, he needs someone who can discipline and love him at the same time. You sound like the parent to get the job done. Get some legal advice before going directly to criminal court. Then tell your ex that he should focus on raising his son right than worrying about payiing child support, no matter what he ends up paying.

Good Luck to you all...

K.,

It depends on the laws of the State you live in. This horrible thing happened to me too. Unfortunately, I live in New York, where at the age of 14 a child can decide which parent he wants to live with and the other pays the child support. Both of my children went to live with their father and still do (7 years later). It's horrible, I pay child support (for only 1 child, the other is too old) and I never see them because he has brainwashed them to believe that I'm the evil one. First check the laws in your State, speak to your attorney and most of all try to talk to your son, as long as he's willing to speak to you you have a chance. Keep him talking, don't fight with him, instead sympathize with him. Insure him that you are there for him and that you'll do whatever it takes to make sure he's happy and most importantly that YOU LOVE HIM, no matter what happens you LOVE HIM. Good luck to you, I hope you get him back. I'm still trying to get mine back.

Hi K., I feel sad about what has happened to yout son. I can only tell you what happened in my family many years ago. My Ex was living in California. My daughter (14) said she wanted to visit her dad and he would send the plane ticket. She was going through a tough time as I had re-married and had another child. I ws amazed that he would pay because he had not given his children anything all these years. Anyway she went and I found out later that he wanted her to live with him because the woman he had married could not have children and wanted one. She also was messed up and could not be left alone so "our"daughter would have to stay home with her instead of going to school!!! My advice is look into the situation. See why your son really wants to stay....or does he. I will pray you get him back. Grandma Mary

Get him back. You can prove a stable home, good grades, etc.....to bad for your ex......he will have to pay

Kim at his age the only reason for him not wanting to come back is maybe he made some new friends where his father lives.I don't know how far away you live from his father's but if not too far have you offered that he can have his friends come over on the weekends or any other way you can think of for him to keep in touch with his friends if in fact this is one of the reasons. Also if it comes down to it would your husband give you custody if you agree to reduce or not take any child support?

Wow..boy did I go through this.

You have grounds to get him back through the courts with what you have mentioned about his behavior and arrest.However, he is old enough to decide in many states.

Stop thinking about how this is going to make your ex feel. I made that mistake and so are you and your son.

Got some Kahuna's back and do what is right for your son in the long run. I know he is not the son you raised anymore..my oldest son wasn't either..he had great grades and played sports until he lived with his dad. All that changed...He hated it there too and was promised a better financial life with no rules too...in the begining. I had to let him go..I had a bad attorney.

Now my son is 18 and had figured out he made the wrong choice two years ago..but things were crazy in my life so he didn't come back.

Unfortunately your son is old enough to decide where he wants to live. Your job is to..if you go to court...make sure the judge knows who he was before and after.."the best interest of the child" standard.

I agree that child support is the major common factor in custody cases with these "fathers".
If you need the papers to file w/o getting an attorney, I will try to get them for you (I'm a Paralegal). I'll just need to know where you live to get the right ones to email to you.
You won;t need an attorney if you go into mediation..or even at all. They just like you to think you do..no offense to any attorney's reading this.

Nanc

I watched this movie, and recommend it, called "Life as a House". Though it was about a dad, so the roles would be reversed, maybe enticicing your son home with a project-- a reason to come back home.

So sorry you are having this problem. Contact a lawyer, explain the situation and find out what your rights are as a Mother and what steps have to be taken to get your son back and if it's possible begin the process.

Tell your son you are doing this because you don't want his life to be wasted. Tell him you love him and want him be happy and to grow up having a productive life....college, a profession he'll enjoy, and maybe one day his own wife and children... Tell him even if he doesn't see it or feel it, or realize it now, you do know what is best for him and you're not going to stand by watching his life be wasted. That allowing him to live with is Dad turned out to be a huge mistake, leading to no good and you want him to come home where he'll be loved...Tell him his family at home is waiting for him and that with time everything in his life will feel a lot better.....

A boy of 13 years of age can't possible know what is best for himself. When parents divorce children tend to blame themselves for it...So he has suffered your devorce, the loss and abandonment of his Dad who left the household, your reaction and adjustment to it all, the fear of losing you as well when you started dating and remarried, then he experienced a great disappointment in his father who clearly has no interest in spending quality time with the boy....and the boy now has a false sense of feeling important and respect by a bad crowed of kids on the streets. I'd say your son has a great deal of inner issues and will need a good professional therapist to work it all out with......

I would aim for no visitation rights or at least visitation rights under supervision of the courts with his natural father due to the massive changes in the boys behavior in such a short time and getting into trouble with the law and doing poorly in school. If the boy goes back to his Dad even for weekends, he'll probably be out on the streets spending that time with this wrong crowed of kids which adds up to more trouble.

If the boy comes back to live with you, it's not going to be easy for him, you, your husband and other child. It's going to take him awhile to find his place in this family.
Besides firm ground rules, he's going to need a lot of love and support and a good therapist to work with him.

I'm hoping he comes home. Although there a bad kids in all schools, I'm hoping he can start in a new school...meet new children who are involved in hobbies, and sports and clubs at school that will hold his interests and will help in keeping him on the right road. It's all going to take time and hard work...

What ever you decide, good luck and keep us posted here...

K.,
Court. ASAP. The sooner you get your son back, the sooner you can work on the damage that has been done. Hate does not belong in a parental relationship, especially when he has gone so far as to try to deal with it himself.

I don't know how courts work in these situations, but you must have a fair shot of regaining custody at the very least, given the lack of guidance and other issues that are shaping your son at the moment.

Don't wait for someone's story of reaction, just go with your gut and save your relationship with your son, and very likely your son.

My hopes and prayers for you and your son,
M.

Well, I have not been through this since my son is still a toddler. But as a social worker I have meet a lot of teens who have gone off track one way or another. Jr. High and that age is a tough time for a lot of kids but you are right--your son is showing signs he is in trouble and not happy (poor grades, legal issues, problems with his temper, etc.). Hopefully the counselor has his or her eyes open and is looking for signs of possible alcohol or drug use or depression. As for what to do, it depends on how much you can talk to and work with your ex and your son. Can you find out more about the house rules in youe ex's home? My first suspicion is that your son has more freedom at your ex's and he is handling it badly. Of course he likes freedom but he is obviously not handling it well. If you can get your ex on the same page with you disipline wise you might be able to improve the situation that way. Also, if you can talk to your son you might need to talk to him about being responsible for his own behavior regardless of which parent he lives with--keeping grades up, keeping himself out of legal trouble, keeping a curfew, attending counseling appointments, etc. Then come up with a reasonable timeframe--like the first marking period of the school year-- and the specific changes you need to see. Don't be surprised if he fights you and gives you a hard time (just testing the limits). Cooperation with a bad attitude is still cooperation and is typical with teenagers. If this is too much for you to do on your own then definitely work with a counselor.

If those conversations don't lead to any-or enough- improvements you are being a responsible parent by going to court with the issue. Talk to a lawyer if you need to. Go to court with all the specifics written down and documented (report cards, criminal court paperwork, any counselor's reports, etc). Be as objective and concrete as you can.

Whatever happens, good luck.

I feel for you that you have to go through this. I have had a similar situation that did not work out well. Here is my advice:

Do not let a 13/14 year old tell YOU, the parent, what he wants and where he wants to live. He does not have the judgement to make that decision.

It sounds to me like your ex wanted to unload child support and thought that taking the kid in would be a great way to do that. Unfortunately, he didnt think that would mean actually RAISING the boy. Teenagers need firm rules, lots of tough love and a disciplined schedule. It is SO easy for them to go bad, even with good parenting.

Do whatever you have to to get your son back into your home. Once in, get him therapy, get him involved in clubs and activities and WATCH him. Talk to him. He wont like it, but continue to do it. Know who his friends are, where he is, etc. He will rebel and complain and tell you he hates you and that you are a terrible person. That is what he is supposed to do. BUT, if you can get him through this period in his life relatively unscathed, both he and you will have a better life. He is already in jeopardy with the criminal issues and NOT under close supervision by his other parent. These are STRONG warning signs. Trying to raise a healthy happy child by giving rules and chores and making them earn grades does NOT make you a bad parent. Despite what he might tell you, it makes you a GOOD parent.

STOP worrying that your ex doesnt like child support. Too bad. He had a good part in making the child, now he must take part in the rest. The LEAST he can do is help pay the expenses. No one LIKES to give up their money. But too bad.

I hope this advice isnt too harsh. It is clear that you love your son, but now it is time to get tough. Teen years are tricky, but you can do it. You have all of us to get you through it! Best of luck.

Run, don't walk to the nearest court house to regain custody of your son. The ex doesn't want to pay child support - tough toenails buddy. He's obviously not doing well. Don't wait until he's 16 and you can't really do anything about it at all. As far as him not wanting to come back to you - some of that may be because he obviously has no rules anymore and that's not acceptable. Get him back, he can go to counseling at your house.

To help make your case stronger write EVERYTHING down. Present your "evidence" to the judge and he/she will have to take it into consideration. Make sure to put in there when you noticed your son to change and any conversatons you or your son has had that can help make your case.Especially anything the father has said or done, or the step mother. Make your case in saying the argumenting around your child is no way for him to live. (I'm sure you already know this) Make sure when you write it, if it is not something said directly to you that you put down you were told by so and so or your child told you, who saw or heard right from the mouth. This way it is not hersay. It sounds to me like you have enough in the bit you've wrote asking for help with this, to have a strong enough case. The only thing I dont get is why your son says he wants to stay at dad's. Do you think dad is saying something to him to try to get him to stay? Bribing maybe? Maybe he is just really adamant about having his father in the picture or to be accepted by him. I don't know but it is something to think about(foul play on dad's part) I also went through that one with my daughter at the age of 3and4.(trying to condition her) You never know..
I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I had to fight for custody of my daughter years ago and "won" but it is still a struggle every summer with extended visitation (every time my daughter comes home she is not the daughter I sent, snotty and bad mouthing,and much, much more) I can realate to your situation, and fear the same thing may one day happen to me.And she is only 7! As you said, it has nothing to do with money, but EVERYTHING to do with the best for my daughter.
Best of luck to you and your son. Fight hard and never give up.

Hi K.. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be terrible to watch your son go through this from so far away. I think you need to do what you have to to get your son back with you and to be safe. If that means going to court, then so be it. You only have his best interest at heart. good luck and letus know how it goes!

You need to become the parent in this situation. My thoughts as a parent, grandparent and great grandparent is that you should file for full custody with only visitation for your ex-husband. Your son should NOT have to listen to his father harp about child support. Take all of your paperwork-report cards, police report,etc. to family court and ask for full custody. It may cost something but it's better than seeing your son on a downward spiral the rest of his life. Your son is embarrassed that he made the wrong choice and embarrassment to a pre-teen is the end of the world. Counseling might help but some young people refuse to talk to a counselor believing that this person goes back and tells the parent everything he has said. They do not trust the confidentiality of the visits. You have a tough task ahead and I wish you well.

Could you talk to the DA and make it part of the case? I don't know what to call it but see if considering your son's past if the DA would drop the charges only if he moves back home with you.

Your son probably doesn't want to feel like he failed or quit by moving back home with you.

I wish you the best and hope you get him home soon.

Hugs,
L.

Dear K., The exact same thing happened to me and my son. I was lucky (and smart) to go for counseling when the possibility came up. I was advised to let it run its course, that if I refused to let him go he would always resent me. It was great advice.
We had always had a fabulous, loving relationship. When he was about 14 his father told him that if he came to live with him he wouldn't have to follow all my silly rules, like set bed times and doing homework before dinner, etc. It sounded great. Apparently, they fought constantly and my son got in lots of trouble. WITHOUT contacting me, his high school let him drop out. I knew nothing about it. At one point, my ex threw his son out on the street! He slept at friends houses rather than coming home to me. After this nightmare, which I knew nothing about, one day my son called me on the telephone and asked if he could meet me. Naturally I met him and he was with a girl. Her mother had thrown her out and she had no place to go and my son was taking care of her! They wanted to know if they could BOTH stay with me and he informed me that he was in "love" with her. I stood there on the street and said "if you love her, I love her" Let's all go home. She stayed with us for a while. Needless to say it was a less than ideal situation. I found a therapist for her to help her cope with her mother's abandonment, and in the end, the therapist took her in. That therapist wound up caring for her in her home for years and paying her college tuition. It took my son a long time to slowly tell me the truth about what he had lived through. When I asked him why he didn't just come home his answer was something I will never forget. "Mom, I didn't run to Dad every time I was mad at you. I was sure it would work out and I didn't want to run home to you just because things got bad with him." Once he came home to me, he didn't even visit his father for months after that. Slowly, they made up and now have a good relationship. My son knows what kind of a man his father is....he learned it first hand rather than hearing it from me. There are some experiences children of divorced parents have to have. Let your child know how much you love him and that your door is always open, but don't always tell him to come home. He surely will when he is ready.
It is very hard, but you have to be strong for your son and love him unconditionally. Keep telling him that and also keep telling him how much you trust him. You might consider saying that you respect his need to deal with his dad on his own (if you don't choke on the words)I will be happy to talk with you if you like. Let me know and I will give you my phone number. Good luck!

K., I don't have any advice to offer, but wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. Trust your instincts and speak to a family law attorney, if possible, to get some advice.

it sounds like as you said your son wanted a more father son bond, maybe his fathers girlfriend interrupted it and that's why he hates her as well as maybe he blames himself for his father not wanting to spend a whole lot of timer with him or feels as though maybe it's all his fault that they don't have the bond that he was hoping for in the beginning and obviously you two have a wonderful relationship. He doesn't want to go home cause he doesn't want you to hate him too. It's just how teenagers think. Child support should not be an issue right now as the real issue is whats best for your son. And his father should see that and if he doesn't then your son should not be living with him. I f the environment you live in could definitely turn him around then bring him back home or try to discuss why he feels the way he does and give him one more chance to bring up his grades while living with his father if he does not in one semesters time tell him he should really consider moving back with you because you can offer him the attention he obviously needs even if it isn't from his father. Court might make him lash out more or become more angry and is a waste of everyone's time use your and your son's relationship to your son's advantage, and prove to him how much more happy he could be if he was living with you again. good luck. let me know if this might help.