Need Advice from Anyone That Has Has This Experience.

You don't mention if your husband has had any input in this situation. Have you talked it over with him? What does he say about it? Has he tried talking with his daughter or is it all coming from you? If he hasn't done anything about this behavior then it's time for him to step in, especially since it's causing trouble in your marriage. It shouldn't all be on you.

It sounds like the step daughter is feeling she has to compete for the affections of her father, and the only way she knows to do it is to cause trouble for you and your daughter. She may not have come to terms with the break up of her mom and dad and may think consciously or subconsciously she can get them back together again if she breaks up your current marriage.

Your husband needs to spend some time alone with the daughter. Talking to her and having some fun together. Also letting her know that her behavior is unacceptable.

Also planning fun things to do with all of you together outside of the home would be a good idea. Or even some one on one time with you and the step daughter. Just make sure your own daughter understands that you are just trying to get along with the step daughter and not preferring her over your own daughter.

Who knows what this girl is experiencing in her home life. Her mother may be bitter and passing this on to her daughter. Maybe the daughter feels if she is nice and gets along with you and your daughter she is being disloyal to her mother.

I don't know if you are a praying person, but certainly pray about this. Pray for the girl's attitude and also that your own would be to help this girl figure out how to change her behavior.

Whatever you do, don't do it yourself!
you are perceived (wrongly, but still) as the enemy.

Her dad, needs to deal with her on this. You can direct him, or let him handle it, but do NOT let him shirk that responsibility. He also has to deal with her mom, even if it's just to let her know his and her daughter is not manageable in your new home, since her mom is enabling and allowing this.

You're doing the right thing by not letting her come, but make sure it's your husband making that rule with her and her mom, not you. And also, make sure he does not neglect her. He should go spend time with her on those days and continue to love her and be close to her and let her know she is important, but also not tolerate her mistreating you guys. Sounds like she really needs him to herself a bit, and she should have that. He may find out some of the roots of the issues and help talk her out of some anger just by spending time and having talks during long activities-leading to her coming around again once she knows she has to behave. it could take time or never happen. Be generous in making sure he spends time with her.

As for her behavior in your home, it's a power play and you DON"T want a 12 year old winning one of those-for her own good going forward. If she feels her parents are weak, there is no limit to the trouble she can find. Keep yourself and your daughter removed from this, and wait for it to blow over, which it will IF YOUR HUSBAND MAKES IT A PRIORITY AND HANDLES IT!

Good luck and so sorry to hear this!

Coming from the stand point of I once was in the shoes of your step daughter. Your husband may need to give her more attention and will most likely do any disciplining. I would guess she is frustrated with the amount of attention she gets from her father(even if it's a lot it's not enough in her mind). If there is a way he can spend some one on one time with her consistently and just give her more attention when you are all around it may help. Good Luck.
I know at that age I created a lot of drama bc I saw my step family as competition for attention. I blamed and hated the steps, but it was my dad who I was really mad at, in the end I was so hurt I sued for college, tuition and won and didn't speak to him for 6 years. I could be wrong in your case bc I don't know your whole story - I hope you can work it out

Hi M.,

You likely heard this from other moms, but where is your husband and her father in all of this? It seems your stepdaughter is very jealous of not being with her father and that your biological daughter has that "priviledge". I would guess that she is hurt and upset by the situation and is acting out as a result. Your husband needs to be front and center on this issue or your stepdaughter will perceive the situation as "you vs. her" as opposed to "family rules and expectations". It might be worth considering whether there are any special things she can participate in with the rest of the family in order for her to feel a wanted member of dad's family. Sometimes when things are not going well kids (really anyone) can take the "well deserved punishment" as a sign that they were "right all along" and not really wanted in the family. It sounds like you have tried to work with her and that her comments have been hurtful to the point that you might even believe her a little given the conflict between you and your husband over her behavior. I would say that you and your husband need to be a united front in regards to the choices you make in engaging her in your lives as well as disciplining her, otherwise you are unlikely to get very far. Good luck!

this a new thing? or always been trouble? anything else new in her life or yours?

Where's her dad on this? sounds like she feeling a bit neglected by him and maybe feels she is not as special to him as the 9 year old. He needs to sit down with her and be firm that he loves them both.

As for her now not coming over whose idea is that? that will only cause her even more pain and make the problem worse and he should be seeing her on a continuing basis if not in house, then he should take her out for the night, do things on weekend with her.

Greetings, fellow M. H! :D
I also have stepkids, and much to their mother's dismay they simply ADORE me and mine, which is why your post makes me feel rather sad, because your stepdaughter's behavior really reminds me of how my husband's ex regarded me before my husband and I had our first-born.
She would speak to him about me as if I were a pesky new pet of his that she didn't like and would really rather he got rid of - nearly even almost saying as much along those lines once, before he put her in check and made her remember her place.
Some people simply harbor resentment towards each other for the roles that we fill, not for who we are, and if I had to guess I would think that's what's up with your stepdaughter. If she were never your stepdaughter, I wonder if she would just like you and your daughter for who you are, rather than feel the way that she does.

I agree with the other post..she wants more attention. Sounds like maybe she's jealous that you and your daughter get to be with "her" dad all the time and she only sees him a few days a week. Even if it's completely unreasonable that's how kids think. My parents divorced when I was around that age and I think she just wants more attention..possibly from both of you. I would try some one on one time with her (both you and dad) if possible. And I also think that dad should always do most of the disciplining. You should show her that you are both on the same page (don't let her divide and conquer) but let him be the one to do the actual disciplining.

M.,

12 is a hard age...even if there are no other issues. The hormones are kicking in and they truly don't know why they do some things. The other post is right...I think she needs more 1 on 1 time..maybe some with you as well as with her dad. She's so part-time at your house - what can you do to make her feel like she really belongs with you? Have you talked to the mom? Is she difficult at her house as well or only at yours?

I would seriously consider some family counseling. It can't hurt. Most insurances will cover all but a co-pay.

P.

Hi M.,

You really have a problem on your hands. The sad thing is that it will only get worse.

Had your thought about getting everyone together for a Family Group Decision Making Conference

The number is: ###-###-####

Hope this helps. D.

I can't say I have any experience (but I'm a big fan of the show SuperNanny, so I've seen something similar on the show), but what the other mom's are saying is right on the mark. Your husband has to be the one to talk to her. To her, bad behavior is what is getting attention and that is what she is doing. He needs to tell her that the behavior will not be tolerated and reassure her of her place in the family. Both of you need to give her alot of praise when she exhibits good behavior (but be genuine). I suggest picking up the SuperNanny books if you can. Nanny Jo gives excellent advice!!!!

M.
Have your husband talk to her. Most likely she is tuning you out. If possible, have her mom talk to her. I think, she wants/needs Dads attention. Thinking, youe daughter is stealing daddys attention. Hope this helps. Good Luck!

There is a GREAT series of books and dvds called "Love and Logic" that would be absolutely perfect for this situation. I cannot say enough about how effective their advice is! Make sure you get the ones regarding older children/teens (I got mine at the library and am watching the dvd this week)!