Need Advice Desperately

Hello.

I am not an expert here, nor do I have any kids at the moment (I am 5 months pregnant!) I would sit down with her and state that you do love her, but wish that she would tone it down a little bit. You could even take her out to a "girls lunch" and tell here there. At least that way she can't really leave too much (especially if you drive!) I would tell her that you want to help out, but things are getting a little crazy. Does that help? Good luck!

My suggestion is to tell her exactly how you feel AND ALSO exactly how she can change it and let her know that you will help her. I think it's easier to change things when you have somebody point out a different option for you that will work just as well or better as what you are doing now.

Sounds to me like you alreayd know what needs to be done... you just want someone to validate your feelings.

1. though you are OWED it, don't expect the money back

2. by continuing to let her live there, you're not really helping her though you think you are because it's doing nothing but continuing to enable her to NOT help herself.

3. I would sit down with my husband FIRST and come up with a game plan... so that you can give her a deadline. If you feel more comfortable talking to her one on one... then do that... perhaps she won't feel ganged up on. But be honest -- hey look, I've been happy to help you out but I really think it's time you got out on your own. The personality differences are just weighing on my family and myself and I can't continue to allow something temporary to become permanent when it's adversely effecting my family.

Period... if she gets mad... who cares. She can get glad in the same clothes she got mad in... Will she be hurt? Probably... will she say unkind things... it's likely...but the right thing to do is stand up for yourself and no be walked on. This will let her know that YOU hold the cards...

I agree with April D.
That's a good starting place...I, too, think that since you are asking for advice, you already know what needs to be done.
I believe we all have had extended stay guests that have put a strain on our families...and that is the key word...OUR FAMILIES.

Your sister has started her own family and she needs to know that you will not be a crutch. Give her a deadline to move by (this should be discussed with your husband prior). Unfortunately, you will be the bearer of bad news to your sister.
Since your sister is living with you, she should respect the rules you have in your home. If it means no spanking...then no spanking. If she can't respect that, then she needs to go. You will not be moved by her orneriness (I too, have a sister like that).
"When a man (woman) marries - he is no longer two, but one..." Hate to take a quote from the Bible, but it is true. Do not let you sister's ill fate affect your home.
As for the money,just think of it as a great B-day/Christmas gift. $1000.00 to get rid of a problem.

I'll pray for your sister that she gets on her feet and leave peacefully and with your relation with her in-tact.

YOu should definitly talk to your sister. She is in your house and she should live by your rules. Especially if it is causing unwanted and unneccesary tension in your marriage. Your marriage comes first. YOu just need to present everything in a loving manner and pray that she does not get so offended and storm off. But, you will never know unless you do it. Give her a while to comply and if not then something needs to be worked out for her to get her own place. There is help out there for single mothers. Also, about the money, I would say don't expect it back. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but, the Bible states that if someone wants to borrow something from you, you should just give it to them and not expect anything in return or to be payed back. If you expect it back and it doesn't come that will just cause more tension. Hope this helps! I will pray for your family and your situation! God bless you!

Hi E.,
I firmly believe that we, us moms/wives, are the peace monitors of our homes. My mom lived with us for seven months---it was a mutual need so I sort of put us through it. Of course my mom and I differ on our parenting styles and so forth...my mom hovers and nags, negative, etc. I put a stop to it quick. I would not even let her hound her own husband in front of us. Our job in life is to make peace for our families....I truly believe that is our mission from God wrapped up in one word-PEACE. You can Love and Logic her too, "I would love for you and the children to be able to stay here and get things together as long as you work with me to keep peace in our home." If she does not improve; by all means she needs to leave. It would probably be more peaceful for you to tend to the two children without her than to have her there, especially if she is not taking her meds. I would be prepared for her to leave; without her medication there is limited cooperation from her side I am sure. I would offer for the kids to stay. They need a safe, nurturing environment.

It is tough, but you and your family will feel better setting some boundaries within your home. Trust your "peace-meter" as I call it.

You know that old saying "Fish and company start to stink after 3 days"? I think it even applies to family. My advice is to try to talk to her first about what is bothering you. Should that not work, and regardless of her reaction, at least you attempted to talk with her, and she knows how you feel. Should a discussion not work, then it's time to give her a time limit to find somewhere else to live. It is, after all, your house and your preferences should be respected. As far as the money you lent her, you might have to accept that you may never get it back.She may be banking on the fact that you are dreading her reaction, so she can "get away" with behaving like that. She's a mom and she's bound to understand that your daughter is upset and you are trying to do what is best for your family, as any mom would do.
Good luck, take a deep breath try not to let it take over your life. It is temporary and will be resolved.

E.,

I would sit down with her and come to an agreement on how much longer she needs to stay with you guys. You need to put a time limit on this arrangement. I'm sure she doesn't expect this to go on forever. Once you set a timeframe on when she's out, she can start getting serious about her next place of residence and begin saving money or finding a job, etc.

Maybe you could even help her set up a budget on paying things down or saving during that time. This might really get her motivated and organized.

Good luck!

You know she has to go. You just don't want to do it! You are being an enabler for her though. She can not take care of herself or her family because you are doing it. It's very good and indeed, important to take care of our blood but not at the expense of our immeiate families. Believe me, I have been in a this situation twice! Once with my mother and father-in-law and once with my sister. I would suggest that you and your husband have a talk with your sister. Tell her you want to help but that the current situation is not working out for you guys. Tell her what you want to see changed and that if she can't change these things she will need to find a new arrangement. When it comes to time to find a new arrangement (because it WILL) you need to give her a deadline. Explain that you love her but you have to be responsible to your family too. Ask her to discipline her children in their bedroom and not in front of the family. This will still allow her to discipline as she sees fit but limiting your families involvement. Also, suggest that she read "How to get your children to Mind without losing yours." In fact EVERYONE read it! It has great alternatives for discipline with out spanking. It also explains that there are times where a spanking is not completely uncalled for and the way to deliver a spanking. (NEver in anger!) There is no easy out of this. Good luck!

I'm sure this is a hard spot to be in. And it sounds like she's getting pretty stressed out to be in the position she's in. However, why are you hinting in hopes that she will get it. You need to be honest, in a loving sort of way, and let here know what your needs are. And whether she's living with you are not, you may not get back the money she owes you. Sounds like she's not able to get on her feet. Where is the children's father?

E.,
I am very sorry about your situation. I have been in a very similar situation and can understand your husband and his "bad mood." There is nothing worse for a man if he can't come home to his castle and relax. You are in an emotional tug of war between your sister and husband. You didn't mention how old your sister is? You should sit down and talk to her. If she is not taking her medication, she is not only a threat to your kids, but her own as well. Do you attend a church? Most churches have staff that can help counsel her...maybe even help her financially when she moves out. Which leads me to my next question, when she moved in, did you two agree to a time when she would be moving out? IF not, you need to discuss that with her and then do not change your mind when that time comes. You are going to contantly need to be asking her for updates on a roommate situation, apartment hunting etc. Fear when it sets in will can have a very strong hold on people...in this case your sister. She is comfortable in your home and may not want to let go of it so easily because of fear of the unknown. What about the father of her two children? Where is he in all this? Alimony? Finally, don't expect to be paid back the $1000 that she owes you. Consider it an investment to her moving out. But understand, she needs to go. God Bless and good luck!

It's time for adult sister to take control of her own life. You've tried talking with her to no avail. She will continue taking advantage of a good situation (good for her). She does need help to move on so outside help such as a local church can help guide her in the right direction to become dependent on herself. Don't count on ever getting your loans to her repaid. Is she not getting support for the children from their father to help with her expenses? You mention "giving her a chance to fix the situation"....how long has she lived for free in your home?....that's how long she has had to fix her situation. Her continued living in your home will destroy the family life you desire with your husband and children.

I am sorry you are in this situation, it sounds like a very difficult place to be. I think a family conversation to put everything on the table is in order. You have your own family to care for.

I don't think there is anything wrong in saying "You may not hit your children in my house. If you need suggestions or help, I will be happy to assist you."

If you are concerned about your nephews, and you have to kick her out, I would get CPS involved.

As hard as it is to throw out someone with children it is what you may have to do. Your husband and children MUST come first. If not you will be in her situation soon. She chose her life. I can say this with authority even if bad things happen to her. I have a troubled child and she too needs meds and help but does not get it. She has been trouble and disruption to our lives for 6 years now. We had to take a strong stand and may again soon have to. It is not easy it is hard but you committed to your husband and child and must keep that committment. It is HER responsibilty to follow your rules of your household, to pay you back to get treatment. You can guide but you are not expected to pick up after her life and the mess (I mean emotionally as well as physically). She will need to face the music of life with her kids. Let her fail or suceed on her own. Don't take on the blame (she may want to blame you) for her actions or lack of actions. She will only seek the help she needs if you let her fail. I know you worry about the kids but you know that really you are not getting to have the effect that you want on them because she counter acts your efforts with her issues. All you get from your efforts are messes in your life and seeing you child experience her kids emotional break downs. Give her firm rules of behaviour, give her a time frame. Write a contract-Do this! Have her sign it , you and your husband sign it as well. How she needs to act with her kids, How she will repay you (the minor thing), how she will keep the house, whatever you need this to be and what will happen if she breakes this agreement. Then live up to this as you expect her to. Start looking for places for her now or homeless sheltors, plut the names and numbers of these on your contract. She will take you more seriously then. Kick her out when the bad happens and it probably will. Change the locks this will only cost about 75 dollars. Then do all that you can to regain your family life and not kick yourself. Be willing to call social services if need be. If you don't do it now things may reach a point where you regret not getting them involved and there are no do overs once something tragic happens. YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILD FIRST! Gool luck!

If it were me....(I have a sis who differs in her child rearing a lot, so I know what you mean).

I would first sit with hubby and draw up a contract/list of things you deem acceptable in YOUR HOUSE. Then sit with sit and have her read it through out loud. Then discuss it. Find a middle ground where you are all in agreement. Type up the final contract, have her sign it, date it, and ya'll sign it and date it. Give everyone a copy.

The next time she storms, yells, gets moody, 'acts hurt', remind her that this a signed contractual deal. No landlord would accept her behavior, so should her family? Why should family be treated less than a perfect stranger you sign a contract with?

If she cannot abide by it, tell her she has so many days to leave. You may want to even put that in the contract. Just because we are family we are not obiligated to let our relatives take us down with them when they decide to self-destruct. You have your first commitment to your hubby and your child. She can honor that, act like a responsible adult, or go somewhere else to live. ;-)

[yea, I have lived in your shoes some. It hurts. But you will have so much peace once you have crossed this bridge!!!]

E.,

Ugh. That situation sounds like it just plain s*cks. I am so sorry to hear about it.
I know it is a tricky thing to deal with. On one hand, here is this family different from your own living in your house and disrupting *everything* in your life. On the other hand, she is your sister. (You really don't need to say any more than that - she is your sister...)
Seeing how she has been there for 3 months already, perhaps if you sit down with her and ask her (in other terms) when on earth she plans on getting out - that can be a jumping board. If you start and hold the conversation and make it all about "YOU" and none about "HER", it should help her to not storm out on you. Tell her that you thought that YOU had grown enough as a person and a family, but apparently YOU have not. YOU need some normalcy back in your life. YOU are having trouble with YOUR husband, and YOU feel terrible that this has to happen.
Ask her what YOU can do to help her get on with her plan (for moving out).
As for the $1000... can you do without it so you can have some peace and quite in your home again? I know the feeling of the situation you are in, and trust me, when they leave, $1000 will seem like a small price to pay in order to get your life back to normal!

Trust me - to keep the love and peace with your sister - you gotta get her out of there. Just make sure she thinks that she is doing you a favor; and try to make it seem like it is all her idea!

Good Luck, E..

Of course, you might be met with the age old, "These are my kids, and I'll do as I please!", but you might talk to her about how it disturbs your little girl so much when she sees her children being spanked, and that even though you know that the children need discipline, she might try some of the alternative methods that have been working for you. I know.....you're probably saying, "Yeah, right!" But it's worth a try. Also, you could gently suggest that the two of you go house or apartment hunting together, and stress the fact that she and her children would be so much more comfortable on their own. It is so hard to live with other people. I have been on both ends of it, and it was not pleasant either way. We aren't completely anti-spanking, but we have this one family member that we used to live with, that would just go completely off on her little girl and that would make my little girl cry. She is one of those people that will do as she pleases no matter what anybody else says, but let's hope that your sister is different.

The odds are good you won't get it back if you don't ask her to leave either.

SO far as sitting down and talking with her, I'd think that's an automatic - before, during, and during, and during some more while someone is living with you - believe me, my sister and her family (whom I LOVE DEARLY) stayed with my family for an extended time after Katrina. She and I pow wowed on some considerations (not rules - considerations as in considerate behavior) at the beginning, and we all talked over dinner at least once a week. Things still got stressed - who wouldn't be, under the circumstances, but talking seemed to pull everything through, and we still vacation at each others' houses.

My advice is to take her out for coffee in your car so she can't storm off and ask her if there's anything bothering her. After she's done venting, you get your turn. No "YOU always" or "YOU never" phrases aloud. Lots of I feel, I think, I'm worried. Dig?

Best of luck,
S.

I was in a similar situation when my brother lived with us after a very traumatic break up and loss of custody to his son. It got to the point where he and my husband were fighting about silly things. I felt so caught in the middle. It was very stressful on our marriage, but my husband had to understand that he was my brother and as much of a pain as he was, I HAD to help him. After almost 9 months, he moved out and the stress was gone. Hang in there. I know I did the right thing and hopefully you can sit down with your husband and come to terms with this temporary arrangement. Vow not to let it come between you no matter the stress it causes. Good luck.

Unbelievable!! I suggest you sit down and talk to her. If she gets upset, that's her problem. Give her a timeframe in which things need to get better. Tell her that you can't continue to live with the stress and if it doesn't get better by that date, she's got to find her own place to live. She's not you and your husband's responsibility. You may have to eat that $1000 she owes you because it sounds like she's a moocher (sorry to be harsh, I know she's your sister). You have to think about your husband and child first. I know it will be hard to be firm with her, but you have to. You don't want your marriage or your child's peace-of-mind to suffer from this.

Regardless of how she may react, you should talk to her about how her behavior is affecting your family. If she can't modify her behavior to bring harmony back into your home, you should probably let her know she needs to start finding someplace else to live. You also should be prepared to lose the money she owes you because if you're letting her stay there just to have some control over getting that money back, she's the one in control, not you. That's not to say you'll never see any of it ever again. You and she may be able to work something out in the long run, but you probably shouldn't let that be the reason you let her stay with you and cause all this anguish. Sometimes all the money in the world isn't worth that kind of stress.

I'm sure you love your sister and her kids, but when we're constantly feeling stress because of a bad home environment, we have to do something to make it better, even if that means making the person causing all the stress leave. Like another mom mentioned, if after speaking with her she doesn't change her ways, I think telling her she has until January to find another place to live would be more than fair. But if your home environment is just too bad to bear, you shouldn't feel guilty about saying "I want you out now." She's an adult and she needs to act like one. She will know what she needs to do to be able to stay in your home if you are perfectly clear with what you expect, and if she doesn't live up to those expectations, there are natural consequences and she needs to be ready for them.

It's very nice that you want to help your sister, but sometimes people we love need a little push to also help themselves. Hopefully knowing she'll have to leave if she doesn't straighten up will be good motivation for her, but if not, you have to take care of your husband, daughter and yourself first.

Good luck!

I would definitely have a little chat with her. She sounds eerily like my sister. I would make sure she has some type of plan i.e. looking for places to move, getting a job, getting financial assistance from the govt. (if need be). Your family comes first and regardless of how she will take it you need to let her know how you feel. If she's anything like my sister, she will hate you for about a week and then act like nothing happened. Good luck!

I DO understand what you are going thru. Perhaps if you adults sit down and approach where you disapline instead of how would be a start. In a non-confrontational way i.e. "Sis the kids are getting upset when any of them get in trouble. Do you have an idea about how we can handle this?" Listen to her and then suggest disaplining each child in a neutral place, maybe a bedroom( not theirs) or the bathroom. You didn't say why she is living with you but the next step would be to move her in the direction of independence ASAP. If she needs training ck on all available sources that she can enroll in. As for the $1000; you may have to just turn the other cheek and count it as a deed of kindness. One thing is for sure, the longer they are there the more the debt will grow. Good luck.
A little about me- 47 yr old grandmother happily retired and chasing my dreams

My son and I live with my sister, her husband and their daughter. And at one time, we had our other sister and her son living here too. Seven in a 3 bedroom house... Talk about crowded.
First of all, two words: FAMILY MEETING!
Before you have your family meeting, make some notes as to what you love about her. That way, you're not as angry when you make your list of topics to discuss.
Let her know that.... tomorrow night, we are having a family meeting at 9pm in the living room. That way the kids are probably in bed and that you three can sit down and everyone can be prepared or at least be ready to listen or talk about the things that are bothering each of you.
Sure, you probably won't want her to feel as though you two are ganging up on her, but you have valid concerns.
When your meeting gets ready to start, everyone must agree that there won't be any screaming or yelling, or storming out of the room. Adults can sit down, talk about it, even if someone's feelings get hurt, you still have to talk about some ideas that can help the family situation be less stressful for all of you.

Secondly, make time for family time. You and your husband and child, go do something, even if it's to go to the park, something cheap, something relaxing. Take in a movie if you want, just get out of the house for a little bit. She also needs to make time for her. Does she ever get out, without her children?
We take time outs. I go to my room. But when I start getting mad about those little things that bother me, I stop and try to remember, this is only for a season.
It won't last forever. And, you're family.

I wish you tons of luck. The best way to fix a problem is to address it, make a plan, and stick to it.

Load of hugs from someone not too far from what your situation is.

Hey, E.! I am sure you have already received 100 responses on this subject, so I will be brief.

Right now your primary focus really needs to be YOUR family. If you don't do something about the situation, your family is in danger of caving under the pressure of the stress. Since she is your sister, you should do the talking and have your husband there to back you up and for support. If it makes you feel better, give her a time limit to "redeem" herself, as it were. Make sure you talk to your husband first and agree on what EXACTLY will take place so you are on the same page. You will be and feel more united in the process, which will strengthen the two of you in this situation.

Next, follow through on what you expect from her. She is in your home. If a rule is broken there is disagreement on how to do certain things, such as disciplining children, then she really needs to find another place to live. I am not saying she has to raise her children the way you raise your children, but if you don't want her spanking her children in front of your daughter, then she needs to respect that in her actions.

It also sounds like her whole lifestyle is quite different than yours. Even if you were getting along spendidly, I would still give her a time limit, for the sake of your family. You are in a position where you will really need to guard and protect your family from possible and potential emotional, mental, and maybe even financial drain. You don't want to put you marriage "on the rocks" or your family in jeopardy even for your best friend!

Good luck to you!

Dropping hints is not going to work... You, your sister and your husband need to sit down and discuss the situation. There needs to be agreement for this to work.. and to make life tolerable and maybe even happier.

Why is your sister living with you??? Does she work? Maybe she's not happy with her life as it is and doesn't know how to ask for help....

Good Luck!

J.

First you and your husband need to make a list of things that are bothering you so that you don't end up forgetting stuff or get carried off into another topic entirely. This will also prevent you from forgetting what you want to talk to your sister about in the first place. If you are discussing this with your husband, you are letting him know that you are concerned about this as much as he and that you understand his feelings of frusteration. You will also be telling him that you want this situation corrected as much as he does. Then you need to set some time aside with your sister and husband only(get the kids outside). If she is extremely emotional and quick to temper you want the kids out of the house in case of yelling. Remain calm at all times. Do NOT lose your temper as this will defeat the purpose of the convo. I hope this does not come about, but just in case. Talk to her directly. No hinting. She is a grown adult and needs to respect you and your family, afterall she is living in your house, not the other way around. Try not to gang up on her. But be honest. As for the money, I would honestly write it all off and tell her not to worry about paying it back, but tell her this at the beginning of the convo and don't bring it up again. If you really do need it back, set up a payment plan with her. Something like $20 week.

Get your mom or dad involved. Maybe they can let her move in with them and give her some of the guidance that she may not follow from you since you are her peer and not her elder.

Dear E.:
Spankings have to be short and swift, meaning they are pointless if you first have to drag your child outside the room. When I had to do it, I did it within 2 seconds of the deed that caused it. Perhaps you can compromise on just one swat (which is usually sufficient) rather than a whole series. It is not about the pain, but about marking a line that cannot be crossed.

You cannot try to put her on pills, that is entirely her choice. However, you can tell her that extreme mood swings are not acceptable in your house.

You will need to write the money off. You can give money to friends and family, but lending does not work, and in either case it does not help - it instills a feeling of guilt in the other.

If I were you, I would talk to hubby and then set a reasonable deadline, for example, tell her that she has to be out when the next year starts. Two months gives her plenty of time to look for a place. If you don't she'll stay there forever. If she cannot find a place by then, you can tell her you'll charge $x rent from then on. Over time you can increase that amount to the point where an apartment is cheaper for her. Tell her exactly what you will do and why it is not working out well. You'll get along better when you don't step on each other's toes all the time.

Regards,
W.

Your immediate family has to come first. That's you, your husband, and your daughter now. I would lay down the law with my sister and tell her that I loved her to death, but it's just not working out. If she wants to continue to stay there certain rules have to be met and expectations have to be held. I would tell her she has to get help for her depression (there are several inexpensive routes to seek with that, MHMR center being one of them!) and that she has to blend her parenting style with yours. I know it will be hard, but it's just not fair to stress yourself and your family over the living situation with your sister. Good luck!!!

I would set down w/ her and tell her how you all feel !!!
& too owe you that much money back !! does she not work or what ? that is ashame ! where is the dad of the 2 boys ! she should be getting some kind of support !....
or order you some depressent pills & slip them on her !!!
she is in denial evidently !....You need to put your foot down & let her know..... Good Luck ! ~

If I were in your situation, I would kick her out. I suggest trying to sit down and talk to her and, if that doesn't work and she storms off without listening, write her a letter. I would tell her that you have tried to make things work, and asked her to stop yelling/spanking her sons in front of your daughter, etc. but that the living situation is having a negative effect on your family and you need her to move out. I would be very specific and set a date, after which you will change the locks if necessary. I doubt that you will get your money back, and I think that if you continue to let her live with you and take advantage of the situation without respecting your rules at your house, then you are only enabling her. You don't have to completely abandon her or cut her off, but you need to put your family first.

It is great that you are there for your sister. But, your daughter and husband come first. Do what's right for them. Your sister may be sick, but she is taking advangtage of you. Tough love may be what you need. I think in this situation, you need to be realistic. I do see, however, how you are stuck. What is going to happen to the kids. It seems that you are all they have right now. You should take care of this now, in my opinion. She will only get worse. If she is nsot capable of taking care of her children right now, again, tough love. You need to speak to higher authorities (pediatricians, whatever). Do what's best for you child, her children, you, and your husband. Good Luck.

A very long time ago I learned a hard lesson about lending money. Since then I have put some lending rules in place for myself. They are:
1-If the money I have is needed for my bills, I always answer inquiries, "I don't have it to lend."
2-If I have money to lend and I feel like it is a fair request for a loan, then IN MY HEAD, I "give" to to them, but I don't tell them that.
Then I find out what kind of character they have if they pay it back.
As for your living arrangements, sit down and set a reasonable target date for them to move out before real damage is done to your relationship.
Good luck!
C. S.

E., I have not had personal experience about this but I did watch my brother and his wife go through this. Get them out! The situation is not fair to you or your family and there will be effects coming around the corner. Children have a "seventh sense" per say and they know when the balance has changed. They could begin to regress due to the stress. It is your sister and that makes it a double edged sword, but you have your family to prioritize. Has your sister made any plans to move out? I do not know what the arrangements were when they moved in, but perhaps you could start the conversation with that. About the money, consider it a gift and forget about it. Know that your sister is not a bad person, but she has to start taking responsibility for her childrena dn her life.
Good luck!
M.