Need Advice About Seperation Anxiety

I have twin 6 year old boys, the boys were fine going to pre school for me as long as they were together, but we just started kindergarten and where we live they separate them it was horrible for the first 8 weeks. One of the boys hated it, the other was okay with it, but it bothered him when his brother would cry. All I can say is it will get better. Just keep the same routine and it will eventually fall into place.
It's so hard to send them to school, you just want to protect them from now on. This might not help but its all I know, some people just don't understand or appreciate the twin bond.

It took me a while to figure out just how I would write this...I'm a relatively blunt person, so I'll just say it straight out.

***Disclaimer: Prepare for straightforwardness.***

The way to stop this problem is to STOP enabling them. They are acting this way because you haven't put a stop to it. Now is the time, Momma...and it won't be easy.

I'm afraid that the reason your daughters are clingy is because you or another role-model in your home (or both of you) taught them to be that way...and you aren't helping matters by telling them where you are every second of the day.

You can show your love to your child without turning them into little leeches. It's called "teaching them boundaries."

You need to teach them how to be without you (and not molly-coddle them while you do it). Unfortunately, since it sounds like you've been coddling them for a while, it will be a hard road to go down. They are used to being able to act this way because it has always been allowed. Put your foot down and stop allowing it. Remember who the parents are!

Be tough. When you drop them off at preschool don't drag it out. Hug them and kiss them, let them know that you'll be back and they'll have lots of fun, and then leave. Don't keep standing there comforting them...even if they beg and cry. The first few times you will have to be stern with them, especially if they try to follow you. Don't be nicey-nice about it. You have to go, and they have to stay. Don't drag out the kisses and hugs. One kiss, one hug...goodbye. If this means leaving them in the arms of a caregiver...do it. Eventually the "drama-queen show" WILL stop and your child will be a more confident person.

If they cry, they cry. They'll get over it and learn that mommy DOES come back. I'm betting this will be harder on you than it is on them. Don't give in and don't give up. Don't show any anxiety in front of them...even if it means crying in your car by yourself when you leave.

At home you just need to put your foot down and be tough.

If you are busy, tell them. Kids are smart. Tell them how they can "help" you by going and doing their own thing...but make sure that you make it clear that it isn't a negotiation. You are TELLING them to go find something else to do. Let them know that you will not put up with them being underfoot every second. Give them a hug and a kiss and then banish them to their room, to an activity, or outside.

They do not need to know what you are doing or where you are in the house every second of the day. Just make sure that they get some of your time and attention after you are finished. Even if that means sticking your head in their room to admire their handiwork on a block building project before you move on to another task of your own.

Finally, I'm curious...are they in the same class? If so, it may be that they are feeding off eachothers fears and this is making it worse. I know they are twins...but the best thing you can do for them is to foster their individuality. They are two separate people and need to be recognized as such. Get them in separate classes and get them used to being away from eachother as well as you. Even if they beg to be together you must recognize that this is a crutch that they will not have in the future. They need to know what if feels like to be apart form you and eachother...and be comfortable with it. This will help you to cross a hurdle that you'll have to deal with when they get into "real" school.

I know this sounds tough...it is. You'll probably cry and feel guilty....don't give in. The results are WORTH it.

(**Especially when you realize that you can go to the bathroom without them freaking out about where you are.**)

Good luck! :o)

**Edit**

To the response above mine (I guess that is AFTER mine)...

Wow...talk about a guilt trip. Do you not realize that not everyone can be a SAHM? I totally respect those who are...good for them! But for some families it simply isn't possable! J. isn't a bad mom because she isn't staying home with her kids. And she isn't a bad mom because she sends her kids to preschool or classes (which shows them how to be confident, independent little people, btw!). Moms are capable of being fabulous parents no matter what they do for a job (being a SAHM is DEFINITELY a job! I've done it!). I respect your comment, but I think that the guilt trip that was inserted in it was innappropriate and unnecessary. What worked for you over 20 years ago is not always feasable for every parent today.

I hope I dont come across as too mean...I've not meant to be. I completely understand what it is like to be away from your children for a significant amount of time...the Army forces you to be away quite a bit. I feel for you completely. I really think it's just harder on your child if you don't teach them how to deal with your being gone in a realistic manner (I'm sorry...teaching your child to be dependent does NOT teach them independence...that is simply fallacy).

If all else fails, check out this amazing book all for kids about parents being away. It has a great activity that yoy might consider changing up to incorporate into your life:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1557988064/...

Sounds to me like your girls need some mom time. I really think kids have a NEED for time with their parents, especially moms. I figure it was a survival mechanism. They're only four, it really is young.

Let them know where you are when you're leaving the room or let them come with you. For awhile don't go places without them unless you have to. Give them some really special quality mom time. Even 5 minutes a day (or 5 more minutes) of really quality time will help. I know this is hard. I'm a stay at home mom, and I have a hard time finding good quality time with my kids, but when I do it really does help. If there are activities that are not necessary that you are separate from them or they don't like, try to skip them for awhile and spend that time following their lead.

As far as when you have to leave them (I hear you, you HAVE to leave them sometimes), there were some good suggestions about a book of pictures or locket or just something of yours (chapstick just like yours... you guys could all go out together and pick something out, a necklace that you all three have that matches, matching chapstick, the same headbands?) Also, talk to them about it a lot. Come up with a special I love you ritual together and on your way to where you take them talk about it. Tell them just what is going to happen "when we get to x I'm going to walk you guys in to your room. I'm going to give you a kiss on your nose and your elbow and your cheek and we'll have a big hug and then I have to go because I have to be to work on time, I'll pick you up after x" and then do it. And leave, because you have to.

Don't think for a second it is harder on you than it is on them. You are an adult. They are four years old and can't really understand why their favorite person in the world is leaving them and aren't really sure you'll come back. Certainly the ones with tears rolling down their faces aren't the ones hurting less (remember all the big emotions from being a kid?) but that doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't leave them when you have to. Give them the love they need. Give them an attachment strong enough to withstand being apart. It will get better.

I hope some of this resonates with you. I hope it helps. You are doing great things for your kids, just keep listening to their needs, they (and your instincts) will lead you right.

K.

I know what you're going through. My daughter did that well after she turned 4. I don't know if it was just a phase, or if this really helped, but I started really giving her a lot of extra attention when we were home (and please take that previous comment about becoming a SAHM with a grain of salt. Sheesh!) I also had to announce that I was going upstairs for a minute, or to the bathroom, or whatever, or else she would panic. Eventually, I would just step out of the room for longer & longer time periods. I also found that when she was 2 and started preschool, if I had her teacher meet me at the door and take her into the class, it worked a lot better. That way, she was leaving ME, not the other way around. And the teacher would take her into class, and get her started on an activity right away. It didn't totally fix the problem at first, but it made a noticeable difference within just a week or two. This phase in their life will be over soon (and then they won't even want to be seen with you!) so try not to worry about it too much.

The first thing first thing is to be patince with them, Second make sure that if you do leave them to go anywhere out of they sight tell when you will be back and make sure you are back then. I am trying to remeber what else we did with Jeff. He had major seperation problems when he was around 4. He had lost 2 grandmother in 2 months. He was scar something would happen to us when we were out of sight. Also let the kids have something in their bag that is yours( of not breakable) that way they will have a part of you when they are away. Hope this helps some.

Dear Jill,
Both of my girls had separation anxiety. I tried to make the drop off consistent with the same routine of saying goodbye. I also slept with a small blanket that I left with my daughters while I was gone. I had heard that children are comforted with having your smell on something around them. And that's what I did. I would always reassure them that I would be returning. It does get easier as they get used to it and as they get older. Good luck. ~T.

Just keep walking when you drop them off somewhere, if you hang around it makes it worse...nine times out of ten once the parents is out of sight the child if fine, they have melt-downs to make the parents feel guilty. I used to teach preschool and this is who it was our #1 rule was to walk the child into the room and leave don't hang out in the hallway to see if they calm down, the teachers are there for the purpose of taking care of them while you are gone, but most of the time they will begin to play. They have to get used to being away from you when they start school they will be and the meltdowns will not be accepted in a classroom while in preschool or other places it will be handled to an extent. I suggest just keep dropping them off places and they will adjust, you also might want to get them used to not begin with each other becuase more then likely they will not be in the same class in school. You just need to be firm and consistent with leaving them, they will eventually get used to it.

Has there been something in the household that is making them feel that if you leave you're not coming back??? Is this a new thing or has it been going on for a while?? Generally the seperation things by now isn't much of an issue unless the leaving them in new and they are just not used to the place. Good Luck!

J.
they need quality time. If you can have some sense of a routine that they know, "mommy is mine for the next 30 minutes. We can do whatever I want, play, read books, dress up, wear mommy's makeup...." Let them know what the plan is before you are walking out the door. "We are going to your gym class and when it is over we get to............with mommy. Before they go to bed make them a part of the decisions about the next day, "what are you wearing to preschool tommorrow, what do you think you will do at school? show and tell, letters, read books...." THis will help them look forward to what will happen, and tell mommy all about it when they get home. I have found that if you give them some quality time first adn then move on to the laundry, dishes....whatever then they tend to give you more time to get things done. hope some of this works for you.
tommieanne

We had a son with separation anxiety (brought on by his bio-mom leaving and not seeing him again for close to a year). He would scream and cry and not stop for HOURS. We found that consistancy worked for him. Say "Good-bye! I love you! I'll be back later!" and walk out. No matter what they do. It's hard at first (and be sure to tell their care-providers not to respond to negative actions such as crying or slumping to the floor but reward them when they stop and join the other kids' activities) then when you come back don't make a huge issue out of it. A simple hug and another "I love you!" They are old enough you might want to try the reward system, where they get a sticker every day they don't throw a fit, and if they have enough stickers at the end of the week or month give them something special like a picnic or a movie with you or something. Also my step-mom used to give her daughter a scarf or something with her perfume on it or a picture of her so she'd have "a mommy somthing" with her all day. Good luck!

They simply miss you when you go to work and need you!!! They don't want the babysitter or Grandma to "watch" them--you are their mom the person to make them secure and independent. They know you'v left them so many times before and that makes them sad and probably afraid--they know how long you've left them in the past and that this will happen again. All they know to do is cry thinking that this will change your mind. Aren't these precious children worth you quitting work and staying home to raise them to be happy, independent, secure chidren and consequently strong, emotionally healthy adults? Only you and your husband love your children more than anyone else in this world. Right? If you stay home and spend lots of time with them, playing with them, reading to them, laughing with them,you'll really get to know them and they you and you will find that they will soon become more independent and much much less crying will occur. For a child to become independent she first has to be allowed to be dependent on you and she will gradually feel better about herself and then ready to reach out and become braver and consequently more independent and happier. My husband and I have 2 children in their 20's. I taught 1st grade before I had them and then stayed home to be their mom. I made the comment a long time ago that my husband and I would have eaten pork and beans if that was what it took so I could be a stay at home mother. That was not the case, however. In other words, we would have sacrificed for our daughter and son--Don't children deserve that--to be put first? Why are you working outside your home? Our daughter is a financial analist and our son is an architect and are single. But when they marry, they both say that they want their children cared for by the stay at home mother. They are wonderful young people and I always wanted to be the best mom possible! And that can be your life, too.

My husband travels and my daughter was having problems with separation. Our solution was that my husband took her to build-a-bear to make a special bear and both of them kissed the heart before it went in. Now when he's in town, he keeps the bear by his bed. When he's out of town, the bear stays in my daughters bed. This has really helped us. Good luck!

sorry looks like a couple of posts attacked you here. My daugheter is clingy like that my youngest one can care less where I am in the house or otherwise. It helped my clingy one to have something like a heart necklace and a pic of me to have while I am gone. Also I just tell her mom always comes back and kiss and leave quickly. Also at home to do laundry I get her invlolved in something she likes such as art project or the dreaded hsm 2 movie and she notices less where I am good luck this to will pass.