Need Advice About Grandparents and How They Treat Their Grandchildren Different.

I am going through the same thing. My neice is treated better than my son. My father-in-law is always watching her, but can't even make a simple phone call to see how my son is. And I think that is a terrible thing to do. And It puts me in a bind because my husband thinks I'm crazy. He doesn't see it like I do. Well C. I hope you find the answer you are looking for. Good luck. Don't forget.... you're not the only one.

Hello,

Perhaps your mother inlaw is being unfair but I just want to shed some light from a different angle. I have a little girl and we are at my mother's house A LOT. I call her very frequently to ask her advice and tell her all the little things my daughter does every day.(since she was born) They are very close because WE are very close. Now, that doesn't mean your mother inlaw shouldn't make an effort with your child as well as her daughter's children but it may help you to understand why it happened. Unless of course you and your husband are also very close with his mother as well. My brother also has kids and although my mother loves them very much, they don't talk every day and therefore aren't as close as we are. (plus he lives 2 hours away though so that may be a difference in our situations). My mother keeps a lot of my daughters toys at her house also because we are there so much. Your mother inlaw may not even realize what she is doing and once it's brought to her attention (as long as it is not done too rudely) then hopefully your problem will be resolved. My mother inlaw does take the initiative to come see my daughter every couple of weeks but it is only for an hour here or an hour there and that is okay. I try to call her as well to keep her involved as much as possible. When I do call her she appreciates it and in turn, calls us more often. I think I tend to ask my mother to babysit more frequently because I do talk to her so much and feel more comfortable asking her than my mother inlaw.

Good luck to you!

okay first thing is first... where the hell is dad?!??! does he see what his mother is doing??? You say you want your son to konw his family and that is fine but you dont want him to feel second fiddle to his cousins... totally understandable... so which is more important... you love your MIL (congrats first mom i have met that does!) so tell her in an adult conversation that you are sorry but if the one-sidedness doesnt stop you wont be bringing your son over as much because he is feeling less loved than the other kids. she might not know what she is doing to him... and if she gets pissed and says she wont stop then stick to your guns and dont bring him over anymore. its hard for a while but it works... trust me... my MIL had her way of doing things and I have mine... i told her that i was the mother and she was to just enjoy the time she gets with my daughter... she didnt listen and ended up doing everything i asked her not to and so now she sees her grand daughter maybe once a week (it used to be almost every other day). she came around and does things my way now and when she does she finds that we stay longer and she spends more time with her.. you are his mother... first and foremost he is YOUR son not hers.. she cannot treat him any which way... its hard dealing with MILs but they were moms at one point too and soon they find out they are doing everything THEY hated when they were your age... good luck and let me know how it turns out!!!

I notice a lot of people that are like that... they treat their daughter's children as if they're their own, and their sons kids are treated like they're just distant relatives. I don't blame you, that's sh*tty the way she treats your son. If you can do it, I'd muster the courage and TELL her how you feel, and if she doesn't make drastic changes immediately, I'd just avoid her. And if your husband can't understand, oh well. This isn't about him, it's about your son. And nothing matters as much as your son. Noone's hurt feelings or baby issues should get in the way of what you must do to prevent your son from feeling like he doesn't measure up to the grandmother...

I suggest you have a talk with your mother-in-law and let her know how you are feeling. You do not want to have resentment because it will only create probelms for EVERYONE in the long run. It does alwasy seem to be different with a moms daughters children than a sons children. I believe it is because a daughter is more often around her mother then a daugher in law. Therefore a daughter around more, brings the grandchildren around more. I don't really know the relationship between you and your mother in law, but like I said, you should talk about it. Hope all goes well. Merry Christmas!

Hey C.,
I don't know if you have tried this, but it may help. It was suggested to me for another issue I had. It was similar to this, so it may work.
This will take some time as far as research, but is so worth it in the end. You can do it one of two ways:
Get a notebook and notarize the visits. Get as detailed as you wish, but don't include thoughts, feelings, or assumptions. Only include what actually happened-Just the facts, Madam.-
Then after a few visits, take the notebook to the grandmother and explain to her that she is unknowingly affecting your son. You need her to sit down with you and go through your notes and explain to her what you see from the outside.
The Second suggestion is the best if you can do it. Get a video camera. Tape a few visits. If she asks what for, you can always play it off to keeping memories up to date. But after a few visits, again ask her to review the tapes with you and point out instances where she is neglecting your son. You can even keep a tally board on a sheet of paper so that she sees it is a reoccurring instance.
She may get a little offended, which is expected, but if she can not understand that you are doing this for the well being of your son, then I don't see why she should be around him anyways. Someone that doesn't care about what they are doing to a child, especially when the emotional harm is pointed out to them, shouldn't be influencing a child's life anyways.
That's my two points, and it did help when I brought it to the attention of another individual. There was a little tension, but after a few days of them thinking it through, they realized what I was talking about. Things are great now!!

I went through this with my husbands parents also. They never babysat for us or had sleep overs with the kids.They would pass out Christmas presents to the other grandchildren and not mine. Not only were the other grandchildren snotty towards my kids but the parents were to me. Wemoved closer to my family and they are over a 1000 miles away now so it is no longer an issue. I would suggest your husband have a talk with her.

This is horrible and I am sorry that your son is experiencing this treatment from his grandmother. Unfortunately it has to be discussed, one line of advice it's not what you say but how you say it. Remind him that he has to use kid gloves but make sure to get the point across as well as the effect its having on your son. Certainly, your husband will have to bite the bullet with this one for bothe the sake of the entire family. Good luck

You didn't mention anything about your SIL's home situation. Growing up, my sister and I were the ones "shut out". My cousins received all the attention and the GP's doted on them. When confronted by my mother, she was told that they needed "it" more than we did. Both my father's sisters were in unhappy marriages/relationships/etc.

My opinion is that it is your husband's duty to point out their behaviour to them. Coming from you, it would look much more negative. If he chooses to do so, make sure that he is stocked up with examples (i.e. sending the snacks) and be sure to reinforce that all of you WANT a relationship with them and you and you would hate to thing a "misunderstanding" would come in the way of it.

Good Luck!!

I truly understand Im going threw something similar. My answer is to ask her about therapy so that she can understand u and u can understand her. If she declines then she doesnt want that relationship with ur son . Then u will have to do whats best for ur son and thats protect his feelings.

I THINK YOU NEED TO HAVE A TALK WITH HER AND LET HER KNOW YOU HAVE NOTICES THIS AND YOUR CHILD IS NOW FEELING IT TWO. ALL GRANDCHILDREN SHOULD BE TREATED THE SAME. IAM SURE IF YOU TALK TO HER SHE WILL NOTICE WHAT SHE IS DOING. I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT. HAVE A VERY NICE HOLIDAY.

I am experiencing the same kind of thng from both my mother and my husbands mother. On my side my sister has a 2 year old and on my husbands side their is a 8 year old. my boys are 5 months old. I find that the grandparents tend to spend this extra time and attention on these kids because they were the first grandchildren. I know they are just afraid that if they spend too much time with my boys then the older ones will feel left out. Maybe if you either talk to your mother in law and let her know how you feel or even better get the otehr children involved with your child. I find that if my children are visiting at the same time as the others if I get them to play with my boys then the grandparents tend to get more involved with them all at the same time. I know it is hard and at times you feel this may eventually effect your child. I am just now starting to realize that they are only 5 moths old and in time we will figure it out. Don't get frustrated and lose your cool. Hope i helped in some way.

Hey C.,

Well I have lived what your son is starting to live all my life from my mothers mother. My mother was the black sheep of our family and so that made us the black sheep also. So every time I went to her house she would remind me that I was not like my other cousins. As I grow up it put a strain on our relationship and my relationship with my mother. So I say deal with it. my mother never delt with it and so I grow up thinking she didn't care how I was treated. Even though that was her mother all I can think about is she is mine and she is suppose to care about me. We had a very bad arguement about something her mother did to me that hurt me very very bad and I told her when is she going to stop letting her mother hurt me. And that day I realize it was up to me to deal with her. So I dont go around my grandmother to much and I keep my daughter away also and things are better. I have to preserve my feelings. All I am saying is dont let it go this far. deal with it now. May God bless you and I will be praying.
CP

I BELEIVE PEOPLE DO THINGS FOR A REASON. CHILDREN DON'T ASK TO BE HERE WE BIRTH THEM, AND THEY SUPPOSE TO GET LOVE AND AFFECTION REGARDLESS. IT HURTS ME TO HEAR THAT, BUT I THINK MAYBE YOU CAN ASK HER FOR A HEART TO HEART TALK WITH NO HARD FEELINGS. TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT FAMILY BOND, AND IF SHE BACK AWAY YOU HAVE ALL THE LOVE TO GIVE YOUR CHILDREN.

A., MOTHER OF TWO GIRLS 24, AND 15 I HAVE BEEN THEIR BACK BONE EVERY SINCE I HAD THEM. MY MOTHER PASS WHEN MY OLDEST WAS 4YRS OLD, AND HER FATHERS MOM IS AT TELE DISTANCE. I AM THE MOM OF ALL MOM TO THE BOTH OF THEM AND WE HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.