Need Advice - Henderson, NV

L.,

I can relate on some level, except my family is here and even my son's fathers family lives within twenty minutes. I was never married, but my almost MIL and have never gotten along. I always felt she was judging me and my choices as, first her son's partner and then as a mother. While, their relationship was never a strong one, it was always obvious to everyone that she didn't approve of me or our relationship. When our relationship ended, I was three months pregnant and promptly excluded from ALL family events because she couldn't be around me anymore than she had to...that's what he relayed to me.

To this day, I am not welcome in her home, and neither she nor my son's Grandpa come to his parties or events if I am going to be there. They only see him on the days, when his Dad takes them over to visit...but, at least they get to see him.

My advice to you would be when your husband gets back and the dust settles from this, talk to him! Ask him to sit down and have a conversation with you about your feelings and the relationship with his Mom. Try not to attack him, after all she did raise him and I'm sure he loves her...just talk with him and not at him. I always reacted impulsively and it always ended up being an argument. Take some time while he's gone and organize your thoughts in a journal with points you want to make, so you remain on topic. What you are doing now, is great! In cases like this, little one's and hospitals can be a tough combo...let your husband be there for his family and if he needs you be there for him, but until he does your kids need you.

Best of luck!

Hey L.,
I would say right now you need to put your personal feelings to the side and be a supportive wife. Your hubby doesn't need any extra stress right now. Instead of telling him you are doing a good thing by staying behind, which he's right you have things to do at home, SHOW him. Showing speaks a thousand more words than telling. I hope that didn't come out as badgering but I think that would help you and your husband deal with this as mature adults. Good Luck

you and Hubby are doing what you both need to do. And it's common sense.

MIL does not live with you all, and it's not her business. Your Hubby needs to be stronger than her, and tell her you both have your own lives, and this is your decision. If MIL criticizes you and other things... HE needs to stand up for you. Plain and simple. He is married to you, YOU are his primary allegiance now. That's what happens when a Man marries.

Obviously MIL bothers you and seems quite overbearing and controlling and has a wild mouth. DON'T sweat it. I know it's not easy... but ultimately, your Hubby has to draw the line with her.

My friend has a very "toxic" MIL and even her Hubby agrees that his Mom is very nasty. Over the years all she did was destroy their family and even bad mouthed them to the whole town and aired their dirty laundry with everyone who bothered to listen. Well, they finally just "dis-owned" her. Mind you, she was very toxic... both mentally and emotionally. This was the only way. Even MIL's Husband couldn't control her. She bled everyone dry with her mental games and emotional blackmail, and poor modeling to her Grandchildren. She would even badmouth the parents to her own Grandchildren. Long story short- they are ALL very happy now... without MIL/Grandma in their lives. THEY choose what/when/how to interact with her IF they want to. BUT observe... THEY are in "control" of the situation now and are the "drivers" of their lives... NOT MIL.

But also note, that my friends Hubby played an ACTIVE role in taking control of his damaging Mother.... he stood up for his family and Wife and simply did not allow his Mom to do that anymore... AND he supported his wife in handling it. He saw what a mess his own wife and family were because if his own Mother... and he took care of it.

Or, you can simply just ignore MIL and her mental games. But if she damages you/Hubby/children, you have to protect your OWN sanity and happiness. You cannot change everyone... some people can't be changed. So you need to do what is best and healthiest, for your own self, and family.

How come you can't talk to Hubby about all this? You said you are ready to bust and have many issues that needs to "come out to him"? A Hubby and wife need to be a team. Otherwise an ill-intending MIL can separate the 2 of you. You need to be a Team.

Your Hubby will be worried and stressed now about his Dad... let him deal with it and provide him some support for it. THEN, when the time is right... you need to talk to him about MIL. But now is not a good time, obviously. You Father In Law.. is the focus now.

It's good to vent... good you came here to vent. Hopefully it helps and that at some point, there will be peace about it. I know it's not easy. Hopefully there will be some good suggestions here...
all the best,
Susan

Hi L., What your MIL needs to realize is that these are your's and your husbands children, you didn't mention how far your husband was going to have to drive to go to his parents house, a short trip 2 hours or so I think would have been fine to take the kids, that's just my opinion, I know my husband flew to Louiseana when his grandmother died, we had 2 little boys at the time, and of course my husband didn't exspect me to go with him and take our sons, I think you need to be open with your husband about his mother, ask him for his advice as to what he thinks you should do, I think you should invite her out to lunch and have a talk, but start off by teling her that you love her and appreciate her, that will help make the things you need to tell her go down easier. I want to share something with you about traveling with small kids, most kids just roll with the flow, as long as they are with mommy and daddy, they can handle and feel secure in alomost any situation, we traveled to Sasebo Japan on Military orders, at the time we had a 7 year old son, a 4 year old son and a 22 month old daughter, and they did great, long plane ride, but all 3 of them just rolled with the flow. J. L.

You are were you need to be right now so don't sweat what your MIL is thinking of. With your husband worried about his dad, he will be more at ease knowing you are keeping those home fires buring and taking care of things. He needs your support right now.
Later, when things are settled and FIL is OK, sit down and calmly talk to your husband. Tell him what he can do to help fix the situation as men like to fix and take care of things. (Granted he might not be able to do much since she is porbably set in her ways) Leave the "feelings" talk to your girlfriends. Try to let the little stufff with MIL go and focus on one or two problems.
I understand where you are coming from. It is so hard when MIL's don't appreciate all that we do for her son and grandchildren (as is the case with mine). I have to let most of it roll of my back and take comfort that my husband and kids appreciate it since they are the ones who truly matter and are important. My husband does stand up when needed, but we both realize that she isn't going to change.

omg i know exactly how you feel. my husbands mom is psycho too! we lived with them for over a year after my daughter was born and his mom tried to act like she was my daughter mother and not me. i finally got so mad i told her to back the f off and quit over stepping her boundries with my child! she has accused me of neglecting my daughter a few times, and having an affair on my husband! my husbands parents smoke and my daughter has asthma and they get mad when we ask them to change their clothes and wash their hands before handeling her. now that i have moved out with my daughter because i got tired of his mom treating me like a 16yro (and im 23) they are severely bitter over it and now threaten to shut my cell phone off that i use for work purposes (im on their family plan) if i dont brin my daughter over to see them when they want. i told my husband that they need to quit their games or they wont see her at all (my husband and i are separated right now so he lives with them again) because there are laws stating that i have to let the father see her but theres no law stating that i have to let the grandparents see her. to be fully honest if they would have just minded their business and not been so over bearing i wouldnt have a problem but they have accused me of way to much stuff thats bogus. now aside from that i would talk to my husband about my issues with his mom and he would always tell me that im over reacting until he asked them to wear a smoking jacket (when we still lived there) and omg it all hit the fan. she was like don t you ever tell me what i hae to do in my house and all that and the its my house my rules blah blah blah. my hubby also aims to please his mom a lot over what i need him to do for his family. he has hard time realizing that we moved to get away not be over there constantly. sorry i know im rambling... theres no easy way to tell him that his mom is "whacko".. but just lay out your issues with her and make sure that he explains why you didnt go and that he backs your decision because you both agreed that the children are too young to travle such a distance or sleep somewhere other then home. she doesnt have to like it but she will learn to respect your decisions as a family. i also tell my hubby that what it was my mom doing it you wouldnt be so nice either. (his mom told me that i couldnt have my best friend over because i was having an affair with her husband i was like yeah ok)... really shes crazy and she seems to believe everything she hears... well good luck im not sure if this will help you i know i probably sound scater brained haha but hey if you need to vent more about her im more then happy to listen!