B.R.
Here is some info from www.disciplinehelp.com. Your son is young, so it needs to be adapted to his age, but this will help you get started. Good luck!
The Rude
Behavior: How exactly is my child behaving?
Ignores people.
Puts people down.
Inconsiderate in big and small ways—about big and small matters.
Talks back, disregards requests, and acts superior. Treats parents as insignificant.
May be rude openly—or through a look, sneer, or other form of nonverbal communication.
Appears to be independent, to be able to stand on his or her own two feet, and to need no one.
Effects
Understanding how the behavior affects other people is another vital part of dealing with that behavior.
When parents can correctly identify the effects of the specific misbehavior, they can see the adjustments they themselves have to make in order to get the child to change his or her behavior. If you first take the time to observe the effects of the behavior in question, you’ll find it much easier to pursue workable solutions designed to bring about positive and constructive change.
You should keep in mind that often a child’s behavior affects only the parent and not the rest of the family. Or sometimes the child’s behavior is only a problem at school and not at home. Yet, if the child’s behavior is a constant source of worry for the parent or prevents the teacher from teaching, then some changes in the child’s behavior are needed.
The Rude
Action: Why is my child behaving this way, what unmet needs does he or she have, and what specific things can I do to help him or her behave better?
Primary Causes of Misbehavior
Self-Confidence
This child honestly protects himself or herself by being rude. By keeping people away through rudeness, this child avoids exposing his or her real self.
Primary Needs Being Revealed
Hunger
Thirst
Rest
This child may be experiencing many physical problems or may not have all of his or her basic needs met.
Air
Escape from Pain
This child may feel very inadequate with peers and adults. The inability to achieve in school also may be very painful.
Secondary Needs Being Revealed
Affiliation
The parent may be able to find someone who will establish a close relationship with this child. That person may be a coach, a teacher, or the parent himself or herself.
Status
This child wants to be somebody but, because of low self-esteem, feels very inadequate. Thus he or she seeks status through negative behavior—rudeness. Every effort should be made to assist this child in improving his or her self-esteem.
Remember the following facts about rudeness:
It is not a natural behavior. It is learned and, once learned, can become a conditioned response whenever a child feels uncomfortable or threatened.
It may result from either a feeling of inferiority or a false sense of superiority.
It is often born of ignorance, and reveals a lack of empathy.
It's an imitation of strength into which children escape in order to avoid revealing what they regard as weakness, for example, not knowing how to behave in a certain situation.
It can result from family background, cultural, ethnic, or other associations.
It produces hostility and even hatred which grow rather than subside with time.
Expose and confront rude behavior. Your child will pretend not to notice his or her rudeness, and will respond, "I was just busy," "I was only kidding," or "You misunderstood." But he or she will probably never be rude to that person again—unless your child thinks he or she can get away with it.
If the problem continues, talk to your child about the issue of his or her treatment of people. This type of confrontation helps your child to see that rudeness is unacceptable to all.
Develop a plan that will give this child small successes in and out of school.
Try to find an adult who can relate in a positive way to your child. This person should attempt to make frequent contacts with him or her.
Remind your child that it is the rudeness that you disapprove of, not the child.
Primary Causes of Misbehavior
The well-behaved child behaves well for a reason. Likewise, the child who acts up is doing it for a reason. The fact is that all behavior has purpose. This is the main reason we can’t lump all discipline problems under one label and deal with them the same way. It won’t work. “The Bully” doesn’t have the same reasons for misbehaving as “The Class Clown” does. The child who talks non-stop is different from the child who talks back.
One of the toughest—but most important—things we can do when we’re trying to help a child behave in a better manner is discovering the purpose of the misbehavior. We cannot treat any misbehavior effectively until we know the reasons for it. It isn’t always easy to keep our cool and really think about why the child is misbehaving, but it will certainly pay off when we do it.
To say that there are only four reasons for misbehavior would be untrue. As the parent, you will understand your child and what causes him or her to have behavior problems better than anyone else can. However, the vast majority of misbehavior arises from four causes: lack of attention, lack of power, revenge, and lack of self-confidence. For this reason, these four receive special attention in this resource.
Attention
Power
Revenge
Self-Confidence
Primary Needs Being Revealed
We all have physical needs that we are born with—called our primary needs—and if these needs aren’t met, that can sometimes cause misbehavior.
This section considers the primary needs being revealed by the misbehaving child. Watching how children behave in order to get their primary needs met can really help you get a handle on correcting discipline problems.
No matter what our age, we seek continually to meet our primary needs. Therefore, when we parents attempt to change the behavior of a child, one of our first considerations must be to look at primary needs not being met. These needs must be filled before the child can turn his or her attention to anything else—including better behavior.
Hunger
Thirst
Rest
Air
Gender/Identity
Escape from Pain
Elimination of Waste
Mistakes: What common discipline mistakes of parents may make the problem behavior worse?
Showing hostility.
Putting your child down.
Being rude in return.
Failing to confront.
Thinking rudeness is a sign of disrespect.
Attempting to force an adjustment of behavior
Secondary Needs Being Revealed
Besides the physical primary needs we are all born with, we also have secondary needs, which are psychological and learned. Remember, all humans have each of these needs, just in different degrees depending on our personalities. When we can meet our secondary needs, we can work toward goals and improve our self-concept.
The secondary needs are a strong motivating force in all our lives—yet they are immaterial until the primary needs have been met. It’s very hard to concentrate on learning the multiplication tables when you’re hungry. Children will try very hard to meet secondary needs in a positive manner in the classroom and school if possible, without misbehaving. However, if they can’t meet these needs in a good way, many children will try negative ways—misbehavior—to get those needs met.
To help children adjust their behavior, parents must appeal to those needs held in high esteem by their child. Rather than fight those needs, we need to meet them. Too often, we think these needs are abnormal. They are not! Only the intensity of the need varies from child to child—and from adult to adult. If we fight fulfillment of a need, we can cause a child to fight us—automatically.
Gregariousness
Aggression
Affiliation
Inquisitiveness
Achievement
Power
Status
Autonomy
Methods, Procedures, and Techniques
The rest of this section gives you strategies you can use to help your child improve his or her behavior.
It is now your responsibility to select the techniques that you believe will most help your child.
For instance, you may select one or two suggestions to use on your first try. Later, you may want to try other suggestions to see if they have more effect. If problems persist, seek help from friends or your child’s school. Be open to all possible solutions.
Mistakes
Often our solution to misbehavior at home is to react to the behavior personally rather than approach the problem calmly. This section discusses some typical parent reactions that may make the problem worse or cause it to last longer. Thinking about these reactions should help parents avoid mistakes that can be destructive to the parent, the child, and the rest of the family.
Behavior
Study the behavior characteristics listed in this section. Does your child’s behavior match the characteristics listed?
It may be helpful to check the “Behavior” section of some of the other related types of behavior, if you need more information or haven’t quite found the right type of problem behavior that describes your child.
Pinpointing the child’s type of behavior is vital because it helps you breaks down the exact features of the behavior. It helps you avoid generalizing and helps you zero in on the behavior you want to change. It also makes it easier to describe the problem behavior to the child or to teachers, in case the behavior is also a problem at school.
