My Teen and I Havent Spoke in a Year! Seeking Advice...

It takes time....lots of time. Your daughter needs to grow up. I agree with what Dawn wrote to you...it's very good advice. Counseling will definitely help your family with this tough situation.

I can sympathize with you as I let my daughter go at 12 years old to live with her father and that was 6 years ago. I see my daughter every few months, but now that she is almost 18, we talk alot more.

My advice to you is to NOT let her back into your home. She made a decision to move out, let her live with it. I can almost guarantee 100% that with whoever she lives with, that person(s) life will not be easy either. My ex and I became much better co-parents when he realized that living with my daughter was challenging.

Focus right now on your family situation. You have enough on your plate with your little kids. Leave the drama with your daughter for her dad. As your daughter gets older, she will come around. It may take time, but it will happen.

In the meantime, when you speak with your estranged daughter, tell her how much you love her and give her your support. Encourage her to excel and succeed at your ex's house. If she gets into a fight with her dad and wants to come back to your house...DO NOT let her. Support your ex and encourage them to work things out. She will learn consequences for her decisions. At the same time, stay away from her. I know that may sound cold, but sometimes you have to practice tough love. Try not to stoop to her level by fighting with her. She wants that...she wants to get a rise out of you. She is angry and hateful. She cannot control her emotions. Time will help her heal and mature.

You need to be a strong mother here. It's easy to stoop to her level, but don't go there. She needs to learn that her behaviors will not disrupt your household.

Remember, always tell her that you love her and support her. You have to love from far away at this point.

Hang in there. Raising children isn't always easy:)

By not responding, she thinks you don't care....so she's being mean, doing anything, to get a response out of you. By you NOT answering, she thinks you don't love her. While I would never respond to anyone else if they send e-mail like this, SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER. Respond. Keep it short and sweet.

I would respond to her by simply saying:
I am so glad that you are finally happy. I am so sorry that you did not feel loved by me. You are my first born and always will be. I love you more than you will ever know and that's why I have not bothered you, so that you can live the wonderful life you now have. I do miss you and wish we could have discussed things like adults before you quietly disappeared. I will always be your mother and I love you, no matter where life takes you.

Don't bring up having her see her siblings. Take it one step at a time. She just needs to know that you love her.

She wants to see you....but can't tell you that, so she's using her siblings as an excuse.

You need to talk with a professional about this situation. If she ever comes back, make sure you meet her outside of your home somewhere. Don't allow the drama and disruption inside your home. It's not fair to the family. It would be like dating off and on another man and bringing them home and then having them leave. The kids don't need to have her popping in and leaving again.

Hang in there.

If I were in this position I would simply write and tell her that you love her very much but she can not see her siblings until she has made some changes in her life. Tell her that at this point she is not a good influence on her siblings and you are not going to allow her to influence them in a way that would hurt them and the rest of the family. Tell her you want only the very best for her and that someday you hope that she will understand. Tell her that you will not respond to any emails or phone calls that are not respectful and that you will not fight with her. Only have contact with her under your terms and don't allow her to have contact with her siblings until you have seen a change in her that has been consistent. Even at that time the contact would be minimal and very heavily supervised. I would never let her have any contact that doesn't go through you first. As the other children get older she will try to influence them against you and it will be tough to keep her from contacting them especially if your family feels sorry for her. Don't be so hard on yourself. You do the best that you can do and you pray. If there is anything you can do better, do it. If there is anything you need to apologize for then apologize and change it. Don't lower your standards though. Do the best that you can do and let God take care of the rest. My constant prayer is that God will somehow make up for any shortcomings I have and that somehow my children will understand how dearly I love them.

Heavy! I think you need to seek out some professional help. As tough and rotten as your daughter has been behaving, she is a child. Where is all of her anger stemming from?
Regardless of the situation with your ex the two of you need to be civil adults and figure out how to work together. Easier said then done, I know. How is she behaving at your ex's? Is she fine because she's catered too? Does she have resentment over the new siblings and felt slighted? There is obviously a lot more to this story. And we will never know all the details. She is still your child, and you need to try. Years down the road she wont see it as she was a wild teenager, she'll see it as her mom abandoned her. Sad, but true. She wont remember her bad behavior, she only see that you gave up. Keep trying, but GET HELP. This is a lot bigger then you should deal with alone.

Well, I was that child. My mother took advantage of me though. I was constantly stuck raising my siblings (half and full) you mention you have other kids but if she is the oldest she probably struggles the most trying to find her place and fit into your new family. That is hard, and it is hard to feel like you don't belong. I agree think your punishments drove her away, and not allowing her any opportunity to see her siblings will only make her feel even less like she belongs to your family. I know you say that your family is more peaceful now, but if your other kids are younger the worst may still be to come. I didn't talk to my mom for two years. I also had 3 younger siblings whom I didn't see. It doesn't mean I didn't care about them. My mom and I do have some semblance of a relationship now, but it took a long time and we are more like friends than mom and daughter. She has a ton of regrets. She also admits that I ended up being her easiest teen, even though at the time our relationship was strained. You need to be the adult and accepting of her. You don't need to allow her to mistreat you, but you do need to allow her to see her siblings.

I agree with most of the posters on this, get some professional help and keep the lines of communication with your daughter open while keeping her at a distance until you feel comfortable. Just keep telling her you love her no matter what. This doesn't mean you have to let her disrupt your household, just send her cards and letters on holidays and birthdays and let her know that you think about her all the time and haven't given up on her. I have known people who have gone through this (moved out as teens) and now have wonderful relationships with their parents. Good luck and above all get some help for you and the kids to deal with this.

Get some professional help for you. The help will enable you to make a plan to deal with whatever direction you take this. You need a professional, who is outside the situation, to help manage this because the history is too long and difficult and hurtful for you to be neutral about. Your daughter could be making improvements, but you wouldn't see them because you see her through the pain and trouble of the past - and that screws things up even more. Get the help first to manage the pain, etc.

At the very least, she can see her siblings when she is able to have a mature relationship - or at least conversations - with you.

I would get some counseling. I would respond back to your daughter with something like,

"I've missed you and love you, and of course I would like for you to visit with your siblings. I was hoping that first you and I could make amends and repair our relationship. We need to learn to trust each other again, and I'm willing to work to earn your trust back."

Hopefully she'll respond in a positive way to that.

I agree get some counseling and let your daughter know once your daughter has gotten some counseling herself you would consider a meeting of the families in a public place with a third party mediator. Which may indeed include a counselor.She is still teenager and their brains just see things differently. When she hits 30 you never know realty might hit. I think you have to step back as for responding to nasty emails. If anything I'd say I still love you very much and nothing else. I'd let the counsler see the emails it will help her help you

M.,

I'm sorry you are going through this. Despite everything, I think this was for the best. She is an abusive person and it's not healthy to have her in your home influencing your other kids.

Dana K gave you some really good advice on how to respond to your daughter. I would reply to her email exactly as Dana suggested. Then, if your daughter continues with her snotgrams, you can feel peace instead of guilt for not answering them.

Best wishes!

I think you need to accept that maybe she is in a better place and let the feelings go. Also, keep in mind that kids at this age are raging with hormones and on top of that your daughter being the oldest probably was the most effected by your divorce/break up with her dad...however long ago it was. And she is also coping with your new marriage and new family.

You are the parent its your job to be there for your kids. Write her back, let her know that your happy that she has found a place to be happy in. Let her also know how happy your home is. You don't have to be snotty about it. Then send her pictures of her brothers & sisters. This does not have to start with her actually talking to them. You can keep the lines open but keep your guard up too. Its highly likely that she is missing you all....that is why she is writing. However, kids sometimes lash out instead of just baring their feelings...mainly because they are protecting themselves. She also could be having just as many problems with her dad as she was with you. Being that you don't communicate with her dad.....you don't know?

Listen I'm no expert in this area. But lots of teenagers go through this. I wasn't this bad, but I do remember as a teenager doing things I'm now not proud of. But I'm older and I've learned. If you continue to be there for your daughter there is hope that as she is older she may learn too....and will remember that you were still there for her the best way you could be. Just don't write her off and try not to take her hurt/anger toward you personally. She's still just a kid.

Sorry you're going through this nightmare.
My first impression is that she's had problems dealing with your divorce. HER world was ripped apart. And she blames you. And since you lay down the law and don't treat her like the adult she is not, you're going to be targeted/.

I would say tho that even with her snotty emails, she's still trying to make a connection to you. She's doing it wrong but that's the mind of a teenager. They DON'T know how to do a LOT of things.

I wouldn't respond to any nasty emails. When she can cool down and send a nice one, then I would respond.

She will have to learn how to deal with upheavals in life, how to communicate too. Dad will find out how pleasant she can be. She'll start this stuff with him too and he won't know what to do.

It sounds like the other kids are happy with the stress free life and peace since she left. I would ask them if they want a visit from her. If they don't then let her know that they don't want or need any more rotten stuff from her. Allow it ONLY if she wants to abide by your rules. One broken rule and she's out. And as much as it hurts, you will have to be strong about it.

She's headed for major trouble if she doesn't calm down and get her head on straight. If she sneaks out at night, she'll face a lot of dangers to herself that can result in either pregnancy or a lot of other unpleasant things. Pregnant, she'll find what it's like to be in your shoes. Wrong kind of guy being a part of it. And she'll have to find a way to support herself, and with her attitude, no one will hire her. What kind of scenario can that lead to?

Let her stay with dad for a while. He may not have been your ideal match, but if she keeps up this stuff, he'll get tired of it because it reflects him. Both being difficult to deal with.