My Son Stays with My Mom Too Much!!

L.
I know exactly how you feel. I am a single mom and before I had the job I have now, I basically worked retail hours. There was a lot of time that my daughter spent with both of my parents. The best advice I have for you is this...make sure that your parents are enforcing the same rules that you enforce when your son is at home. You can't really hold it against him if the rules change depending on where he is. Maybe have a list of the same rules at your house and your parent’s house. And you might have to have a very serious talk with your parents about enforcing your rules. My parents have a problem blurring that line between disciplinarian and grandparent. They wanted to spoil my daughter when they had her, but I had to explain to them rather harshly at one point that it was affecting her behavior and her time with me. She was being punished rather than being able to have fun time with me. It was no wonder she wanted to stay with them! I know it's hard, but once you all get on the same page, it will be easier for everyone involved. Good luck!

L. - You may not like this advice, but I have to agree w/those posting that your son is staying w/your parents way too much. He's not minding you b/c he may no longer view you as a parental figure ... perhaps more of an aunt or older sister. He's going to follow the rules he's exposed to most often - especially if they're more lenient - & that seems to be your parents' rules & not yours.
I understand that he enjoys spending time w/his grandparents & uncle, but YOU are the parent. Part of that is saying "NO." Just b/c he wants to stay @ their house doesn't mean you have to let him. Dropping by a couple of hours a night when there are 24 hours in a day seems insane - he's w/someone other than his parents for 22 hours a day?! What are you missing by not bringing him home? What a/b dinner conversation where you discuss your days' activities? What a/b bathtime where you sing "Rub-a-Dub" or play w/the sharks or boats or whatever he's into? What a/b bedtime where you snuggle & read stories & say prayers? And - what a/b those groggy, hair-sticking-up-all-over-the-place mornings where he recounts last night's dream over a bowl of cereal? I can't fathom not having those special moments w/my children.
My children would love to stay @ my mother's with their 3 uncles ... one uncle is only 2 years older than my daughter ... but, we visit my mother's as a FAMILY, then return to our HOME as a FAMILY. Sleepovers are reserved for special occasions: a weekend, a holiday; otherwise the answer is "No."
I wish you the best in this. You're extremely fortunate that your son has loving grandparents who don't mind helping you ... but you shouldn't take them for granted or force them to raise your son in your place just b/c it's convenient or easy. Having them watch him while you're @ work or school is completely different than him practically living w/them & you stopping by to "see him a couple of hours" every night.
PLEASE re-evaluate & bring your child home to his parents each night. I bet everyone would be happier in the long-run. Your parents can focus more on their youngest child @ home (doesn't your brother deserve some alone time w/his parents???) & they can be true grandparents to your son - special, fun times instead of them doing all of the mundane stuff like feeding, bathing, dressing & discipline. And, you'll experience more "Mommy" moments - like snuggling on the sofa & tickle fights in bed & hearing the amazing tales only a 4 year old can come up with over a family dinner.
Once you've re-established yourself as a Parental Figure & your residence as the Family Home, your son will start responding to you differently. He'll learn to respect your rules. Discuss discipline & rules w/your husband & then be consistent.
You can then share these rules & consequences w/your parents, but it's unrealistic to expect them to enforce all of YOUR rules in THEIR home. A child's relationship w/his grandparents is unique, special & traditionally indulgent. To ask your parents to sacrifice that seems unfair. Also - they're raising your little brother ... it's not practical for them to have two sets of rules for two little boys ... treating them differently is going to create jealousy & hurt feelings.
BEST WISHES TO YOU!

Hmm Do your parents enforce all of the same rules that you do? Perhaps there is an inconsistency between what he can & can't do/have at home and with your parents.

Also, congrats on getting married a couple months ago! One of these days my daughter's father & I will get married haha Hopefully after his deployment to Iraq.

I'm not sure how old your brother is, but is it possible for your brother to spend some time at your house? Like the previous post, the grandparents need to have the same set of rules and enforce them. I, sort of, had the same problem. I found my child didn't mind as well the more she stayed at the grandparents. When I asked them to enforce certain rules I got some silly reply, like "we're the grandparents, we're suppose to spoil them...oh, we can't do that". Needless to say, the visits became fewer and lo-and-behold my daughter became an angel again. Don't get me wrong, we still visit the grandparents and there still are sleepovers, etc, but it's important to have consistency. I can understand you not wanting to deprive your son of time with your brother, but structure and consistency is more important especially when it comes to getting your child to mind you.

good luck

L., you say your son stays with your mom to much, but you are not going to make him come home if he doesnt want to. Why not? He is your child and your responsibility. My stepdaughter does the same thing, he stays with us all the time, then she gets angry that he doesnt want to go home with her. Personally i dont care if he ever goes home, for it has been 9 years this way. When did parents quit making their child not do something, just because they didnt want to do it. I tell you what i have always said to her, you are the parent!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M.

L.,
First off I will say that I think some of the posts from others was a little harsh. I live 10 minutes from my parents and my twin girls who are almost 5 are there a lot to. I think some people who are against this are also jealous that they don't have the help that you have. I have a friend who has a 2 1/2 year old and now a 6 week old. She has family close by, but has other small kids in her family. I do not! She would love to have the kind of help I have. She is going NUTS! I have another friend who has 3 kids and her parents who also live close only kept her kids a few times for her. They didn't even like for her to go out to dinner with her husband while they watched her kids. Then there is people like us who probably never have to pay for a babysitter because we always have our moms jumping to watch our kids. I would never take advantage of my parents keeping my girls. They are my only kids. My mom has such a bond with them. I am the only child from my dad and mom. My mom has 4 other kids from a previous marriage. They are all grown and have kids that our out of High School. I found out I was pregnant the day after my brother died unexpectantly. A year later my sister found out she was dieing of cancer. They say with every death is a life! I think partly that is why my mom has such a bond with them. They take her mind of of bad things in life. When I had the girls I worked full-time. So did my husband. I would get up in the morning take them to my moms then go to work then get off work pick them up and go home. There was maybe once a week they stayed over night just to make things easier. Especially if they were asleep or if it was bad weather. I to would still go by and visit since it was on my way home. Even now that they are almost 5 they still stay over once a night. I was laid off of work when they were 2 1/2 and I was able to stay home with them. I used to get upset that my mom got to spend so much time with them when they were babies. I had to work though. I am fortunate and thankful that they were able to go there and not to a daycare where they weren't loved so much. I never got to meet my grandfathers. One of my grandmothers died when I was 4 the other when I was 12. I didn't get to know them very well. The one that died when I was 12 lived in Virginia we lived in Florida at the time. I am grateful my daughters get to know their grandparents. My mom just turned 69 my dad is 62. I hope they have many many years with them. My parents enjoy being with my girls. They offer to keep them even when I don't even ask them. My girls adore them! Now as far as discipline being different. It isn't really that different there then at home. I am happy to say my girls are actually pretty good kids. We have typical whining at times, but not to the extent of having to discipline. We we do though we do time out. My mom knows that I want it to be consistant. The same punishments to be used when needed. Just let your parents know how you want things to be handled. Make sure they do let your child know that your the mommy. Make sure your mention through the day as you are not around. I understand that you have to work and other daycares or babysitters closer by probably are not an option right now. I prefer my parents to watch mine. You still may want to cut the spending the night to one night per week. Keep it the same night every week unless something special is going on. Children know who their mothers are. Don't let anyone tell you any different. All kids love to be at grandparents houses. They tend to get babied more there. I hope this helps.

I think it's great your parents are willing to keep him and that he gets to spend time with them, but WAY TOO much! You are his parent, not your parents. He doesn't obey you because he doesn't see you as his parent figure and that has to change before things between you and him change. It may sound harsh, but you really need to step up and be his mother and your husband his father, that's ultimately what he really wants, and it's in his best interest as well as yours(as a couple) to be a family. Include your parents as that family unit periodically but not as substitute parents.

I also believe that your parents need to have the same rules as you do otherwise, they are underminding you as his parent. I had the same issues with my parents and now my parents to not see our children. My mom, especially, would deliberately not follow the rules I had laid down. One of my children was diagnosed with ODD(oppositional difiant disorder) and had to have strick rules and guidlines which had to be followed to a T or that child would walk all over you and could hurt you physically. But my mom wouldn't follow them, so we had to come to the point my parents couldn't see the children anymore. Tough decision, but nipped it in the bud. No matter if your child is healthy or not, if there are rules lined out by you, and or your husband, they need to be followed, no matter what your parents think of the rules. They need to remember,they are the grandparent, you are the parent and to help you succeed, they need to back you up and follow your rules.

Can you move closer to your mom?

You are the parent and you get to decide what he does. If you want him to mind you, he needs to spend time with you! Think of the divorced couple for example. Dad only sees the kids on the wekends so he lets them get away with more so they don't mind him as well. You should be more than just weekend or occasional parents. I understand that you need Mom's help to babysit during the day but he should come home with you and your husband at night. Also, try to do familoy activites on the weekends. Good luck.

L.-

I hate to say it, but as long as you LET the 4-year-old make the decisions, he will do what he wants, not what you want. Why? Because he can. He's 4-- of course he's going to choose the more lenient set of rules. I would!

As you know, kids don't appreciate the limits we place on them because they cannot see their value. That's what parents are for. No matter how much they want to run with scissors, we know why we can't let them, even if they don't get it. So the more you surrender decisions to him, guess who he thinks makes the rules.....

From personal experience I know it is basically impossible to make other family members enforce all of your rules. Honestly, they don't really need to. Besides, that's not their job. I began at about this age to explain to my daughter the difference between our house and its rules and that of the Grands'. When she said "I don't have to at Papa's," she got "this isn't Papa's and the rules are different". That's the only explanation I had, really, but it's the truth, and I was surprised at how well she came to understand that.

I know 120 miles a day on the road probably sounds aweful, but isn't it a small price for a well-mannered child? Would meeting the other family member(s) part way ever be possible? I use the time on the road to hear all about life at the other house and point out how much fun it must have been to do special things with the Grands that we don't often get to do at home. She shifts back into "home" mode while I move back into "Mommy" mode.

You guys are working so hard! Don't give up, even though it gets discouraging. Good luck!
C.

I know you are trying to think of your son and his grandparents when you say their not going to be around for ever. But also remember your son won't be this precious age forever either. These are precious years that will soon be gone. Time you will wish to be back again but can't. There's a beutiful song I've heard that the verses are sung by a child which says, " Hold my hand, rub my back, Mommy rock me to sleep..." The verses continue with things that are precious between parents and children. Then the chorus says, "Cherish the moments, soon you'll be apart..." I cry when I listen to this song. Because even though I am home with my children all the time. I still feel like I don't spend enough time with them.

One thought you might want to consider. I read an article saying that it was more expensive for two parents to work because of car expenise, gas, childcare, eating out and so forth. That it took one whole paycheck just for the second parent to work. Something to consider atleast then you could be with your child at all times.