My Son Is Being a Bully

since this is happening at daycare, schedule the meeting between the two of you and the daycare teacher. it is weird that the teacher would not notice any odd behavior. is the other kid making stuff up so he didnt have to go to daycare?? Maybe it is the "other" kid doing most of the taunting and your son is being blamed by association. Dont assume your son has nothing to do with it, but a meeting would clarify what is going on. Maybe the three boys need to be present too to sort out what is really going on and who is telling the truth.

Hi J.,

I must say that I feel you have had some pretty good advice so far and I don't have much more to offer there, but I think you are doing the right thing in being proactive. The only advice I would share is to make sure that you have all the facts that you can gather before disciplining your son or reacting in a way that may be harmful going forward. I read your story and thought immediately that the other child might be making up a story to get attention from his parents. I don't take the view that "my child is perfect" (for you) but always remember that there are always two sides to the story and as several people have already said... there have been situations where the accused has been innocent. It's pretty easy for stories to get warped from one thing said to another heard and remembered... especially at that age.

My nephew, when he was five, went to kindergarten and told his teacher that his parents beat him. I know this is NOT true, but my sister and brother-in-law were aghast that he would ever say something like that (as you might imagine). Since then, he's lied more and so now everything he says is questioned thoroughly before 'passing judgement'. Mainly, he does it to get attention, affection, sympathy... etc. (crying wolf)

Back to you, though... I would do as the other mom's have suggested and really liked what Missy K. had to say about approaching your son from a place of love rather than accusation. Your son needs to know that he can come to you with anything and not be "judged".

Don't worry too much about the guns thing either... your husband is doing the right thing teaching him the proper ways to handle guns. He may be talking about guns (my three year old does and we don't hunt)and the other boy may be embellishing again.

Keeping an open dialogue with the accuser's parents is wonderful... keep up the good (mom) work! At any rate, good luck with that... and remember to breathe deep... this too shall pass! Take care! ~Nicki

I am gald I came across this. I used to teach preschool at a well known MN childcare center and I had this very situation come up in my class. Just like you the parent came to me and informed me of what the other parent said to her and then asked me if I saw her child exhibiting any of the behavior that the other parent claimed. Now I know in one of the responses to your situation it was said that maybe the teacher needed to observe things more closely. I can atest to the fact that there is a chance that the other child was lying to his parents. In the situation I dealt with, when I was approached by the parent I immediately set up a conference with The center Director, the other parents, the children and myself. The During this conference the parent who had the complaint was able to explain what their child said. Next I the other parent explained how her child behaved at home and with other non related children outside of daycare. Then I explained what type of behavior I saw in both the children when they were in my class. The director was their just as a backup mediator. After the parents and I had spoke we had the children come in and speak. It turned out that boy when the boy who made the accusations was playing with the other child he sometimes wanted to change activities but was timid about speaking up so he thought if he told his dad, his dad could get the other child to play what he wanted. The way the boy said it, his dad took it as this other child is being mean to my son and refusing to play with my son.
Now you didn't mention if the provider spoke with the other parent. Also in my situation I told the parent that made the bullying claim, that while I liked that he was comfortable enough to speak with the other child He should have come to me first with any concerns he was having. If he had done that first we could have avoided the parent teacher conference.

I'm not sure how to deal with the bullying part. My son likes to make up stories to impress kids and then he likes to seperate himself. But my son is also very into hunting and talking of guns. My husband is also a hunter. We've stressed to him he cannot talk of guns in school. However he'd still talk of it. So we ended up taking all killing shows (tv and movies) away from him so he cannot watch. THAT has been the help for us with my son's killing fascination. He still wants to hunt (and does have a bb gun he is 8 yrs old) but he no longer tries to "impress" his school mates with stories of killing. He even got to walk along with deer hunting last year (I was a nervous wreck until they got home!) but for the guns issue I'd see what he is watching on the tv and cut that out first. my husband watches the gorier the better so it's been a challenge to get the kids out of the room and not watch the tv, but it has so helped him with his killing fascination. GOOD LUCK!

Susan mom to 5

I too think it is strange that the day care provider doesn't notice this behavior. Therefore she needs to be involved in the conversation you have with his parents. That is the only way to get to know what is really going on. How she wouldn't know about your son saying what and how much food/milk this other child can have at lunch is strange, I would wonder where she is and or if someone isn't being honest here.

As for the playing hunting, I don't know if there is something more age appropriate for a 5 year old to do, but realistically it sounds harmless, but it might not be. It would depend on how it talks of it when he isn't playing hunting.

I guess I would also talk with your son too, and see what he has to say.

I think you are doing ALOT of great things. My daughter is in kindergarten and has a bully bugging her. It was humerous when another parent was telling me that they're child is dealing with this same bully. I was like oh ok. My daughter was stabbed with scissors and some other horrible things. The mother is very stuck up and doesn't believe her angel would do anything wrong and hasn't changed her daughters behavior or made any attempts to apologize. Anyways enough with my story.

I wish more parents were like you, you are being very proactive and handling this right. I can't think of any other other things you could do. Maybe have your son do something nice for the other family like bake them something or invite the other boy over and that would teach him a lesson and help the situation but overall I think your doing a good job.

I guess you could always try the hard mean lesson too if that doesn't help and treat your son the way he's treating other's just to get the point across like telling him he can't eat at the dinner table with everyone or he can only have two sips of milk etc. It's harsh but it'd work quickly.

I think the first thing to do would be ask your son about it in a non-accusatory way. There are 2 sides to every story. I teach kindergarten and find it rare if someone is being mean to someone else for no reason - there is usually something going on. Not that there aren't bullies out there! Good luck!

Might be a good idea to meet with the other parents, kids, and the daycare worker. The daycare worker may be able to help work as a mediator and tell what she sees. Above all, it's important that the kids know they are there to discuss feelings and what is happening in order to solve the problem of the other child being afraid of your child, not to scold or shame anyone. If you scold, shame, or punnish your child over this, he is likely to be dishonnest, making problem solving impossible. Rather than placing blame, approach it as a learning experience. For example, "It sounds like when Billy says xyz, Hal feels scared." Encourage everyone present to say what they see and how they feel about it, even parents, "I feel sad to hear about son being scared at school," "I feel sad for Billy," "You are a nice boy, so I'm concerned about what is going on," "I'm sure you don't mean for him feel scared, how do you feel about him?" Treating your child with this respect and asuming he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings is usually the best approach. If you assume malice on your son's part, it will become a reality. If you assume kindness, that too will become a reality. I'm an ex-teacher, so have dealt with this a lot :) Best of luck!
:) M.

Hi J.
I get a once a week email from a site called Kaboose.com This just happens to be the subject of this weeks email today. Here is the link. http://www.kaboose.com/features/healthykids/bullying.html...

First talk to the daycare provider, again, to see how your son is acting AND how others are acting around him. If she sees something is odd, she needs to let you know.
Second has something drastic happened in your sons life? Loss of something dear to him, moving, NEW daycare? Those are all things that can make a child act out.
Third talk to your son, flat out ask if there is something bothering him, then let him know a parent talked to you about things going on at daycare and you want to talk about it. Keep it calm and don't pressure him or he will clam up and if he says he does those things, don't punish him, tell him what is acceptable and not, if it happens again, then find the correct punishment for him.
Fourth if nothing else listed above supplies any answers to you, try counseling with your son. He may open up to a stranger before you, since he won't fear a stranger is going to punish him.

Another thing to think about is are you sure your son isn't the one being bullied? I used to get bullied all the time, but one child's mother would tell my mom that I was the one doing things to her child when in reality it was the other way around. Maybe that mans son just doesn't want to get into trouble?

Good Luck J.!
Keep us posted!

H.

I don't know why no one is saying this but the best thing you could do is sit down with your son. Both you and your husband. He needs to know that it is not alright to pick on or frighten other people. Where I think it's nice you want to put them in something together it may not work. Face facts, there are going to be kids he doesn't like and he's just going to have to live with them. Best to teach him that now rather than later.

As for the hunting, prolly no harm in it. I do think it very important your husband play an active roll in telling him it's not alright to threaten. If he knows his dad, who has experience with guns, doesn't like support that behavior it will mean a lot.

As a former care giver (15 years) I say trust me on this.
As a mom I feel for ya.