My SO Wants Me to Work.

He already works night. Why can't you work days? He can get up in the morning and take the kids to school and watch the little one. When you get home from work, he can either work or sleep (depending on if he works 2nd or 3rd shift). Any daycare would be minimal and then he would get a taste of having the kids.

This is a dumb question, but what does 'SO' stand for?

*I'm afraid to go back to work too but eventually I'm going to have to. Im going thru a divorce and I have toddler twins, one with a severe hearing loss in one ear. I have no money of my own and I can't collect alimony or child support until I move out. I can't move out cos I have no money, makes no sense. So I will have to eventually get a job. Last I worked was Novembe of 2007. I am so afraid first of all to be on my own with 2 yo twins and possibly having to work and finding the right daycare for my twins who are so attached to me and me them. It's very scary to me too. Like the others suggested, start with a part time job if you can get free childcare cos it is very expensive. And if it works out great if not quit. But at least you tried it.

*Good luck! :)

Here's some interesting food for thought: http://www.coeinc.org/Articles/HousewifeWorth.pdf
http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/collegeandfamily/p468...

Sorry, but I think his wanting you to have a job is very reasonable. How would you feel if he told you he didn't want a job? Since he works nights and 4 of the kids are in school I don't see your childcare costs as prohibitive. You work days, he watches the kids when they get home from school. Either he watches the littlest one during the day or he/she goes to daycare. It would be good for the kids to have a more involved dad. And honestly, you might be happier getting out of the house. Maybe you might even have enough money for a house cleaner once a month. You might be better off getting a 20-30 hr/wk job and trying to go to school so you will be able to get a better job in the future. DH and I have both always worked and neither one of us would have it any other way.

Sounds to me like you are making up excuses for not wanting to work. You can get a job during the hours your "husband" is home and day care would not be in the picture-that's what I did. If you are not getting your bills paid, then you need a job, period. You won't ever have anything, if you are not willing to work for anything.

I just read you SWH and I'm baffled that you qualify for food stamps and now want childcare assistance too, and then go on to say not sure if you would qualify for that if you were working. I see, just another excuse not to work. You are an able body and I'd bet you'd get over your depression if you went out and worked. You know how much better you'd feel about yourself if you did this? Please stop relying on others to help you out. you must help yourself first! Perhaps your SO other is just sick of your excuses and your attitude and you are percieving it as him being against you when in reality he is encouraging you.

If you get a job, your family income will go up but so will expense. Transportation costs, child care costs, clothes for work, meals at work, etc, can add up really quickly. You might end up with only slightly more disposable income after all is said and done. And, kids in elementary school will do better if there's a parent home to direct them to homework and just keep them out of trouble when they get home (learned this through personal experience, the hard way).

When he says "when are you going to start workin'?" just say "I work all day long."

Oh, as far as feeling overwhelmed with the house - I hear ya! But your kids are all old enough to start chipping in. We didn't have a dishwasher when my kids were younger, and even the 3-year-old took a turn with dishes (with mom or dad's help, but it was good bonding time). And the school age kids can vacuum, sort laundry (and even learn how to put a load in), dust, take out the garbage, set and clear the table, help cook dinner, even learn how to iron a shirt. Yes, even 1st graders (my son loved that when he was in 1st grade). At first, it will take you more time, and probably more stress. But you will be doing them a HUGE favor - do you know how many college kids have no clue how to fix more than ramen or mac&cheese or do their own laundry? And once you have system in place for kids helping take care of their house, you will be less stressed about it and be able to look at the other issue more calmly. :)

Luck to you!

Since your SO works nights...a night job probably is not an option for you.

Call around and get child care costs for 5 children for full day day care. If you work a 40 hr week @ $10/hr that's 400 minus taxes (even at 15% that's $60) so $320/week LESS childcare for 5 kids is not going to be really worth it for you to get out of the house.
Now if you have a CAREER where you could make 45K per year--yes.
Usually men respond to number-crunching math. So do your math & discuss it with him.
I really hope you don't part ways--you've got 10 eyes watching you & learning from you & depending on you. It would be a shame for his 3 girls as well as your son lose what they perceive as parents.
I think your best bet is to focus on doing better with your time management, organization and saving money rather than take a barely above minimum wage job with 5 kids.
www.flylady.net has great tips and techniques.
Good luck.

where I live daycare would be at least 950, and my job only paid 1350. We cant afford daycare, and it isnt worth it for 400, so we are going to work opposite shifts. Thats the norm for low income families. staying home is a luxury.

You said you worked before for minimum wage. I assume you would be working for minimum wage again. Get out a piece of paper. Figure out how much you would take home a week. Then, subtract full-time care for the child you have at home and after-school care for the 4 school-aged children. I'm guessing the number you're left with is not much-if anything. So, working would probably cost you money!

I have 3 children (1 in kindergarten, 2 at home). I have a Master's Degree in Education and it is cheaper for me to stay home then pay daycare for 2 plus after-school care for 1.

If he thinks you sit at home all day with your feet up, make him a list of what you do. My husband has always been supportive of our decision for me to stay home. He constantly says, "I don't know how you do it"--he's referring to the housekeeping, child rearing, errands, appointments, etc.

Hang in there!!

I think you need to look at the whole picture, and sit down and discuss it with him, starting with "I've been thinking about what you said about getting a job and I have a few concerns....

What hours would you be available to work, where he would be home to watch the kids, or would daycare be needed?
How much does daycare costs? What is that compared to your income?
What type of additional chores would he be doing to help out around the house?

I also think that getting out of the house, spending time with adults, and not having to depend on him for income, would improve your anxiety and depression.

Good luck.

Sit down with your SO and do the math. Where you are at right now, do you have the skills and/or training to get more than a minimum wage job? Write down how many hours you would be working and do the math. Then write down how long your kids would have to be in day care and call around to get some figures on how much that would cost. Don't forget to add in expenses such as gas for your car, money for eating lunch out(even with the best of intentions, it can be hard to always make your lunch) and money for new work clothes and shoes.
How much would you actually be making after that? With one child in day care, you might come out ahead, but with 5 you have to be making some pretty good money to make it worth it.
And as for cleaning- your kids are old enough to help out- give them chores and teach them how to clean. My 6,9&10 yr old's do dishes- the 5 yr.old helps with laundry. They know how to use the vacuum and sweep floors- not to say my house is nice and shiny- but they do help out and it takes a lot of stress off of me. You do have to be prepared for the fact that the dishes won't be that clean the first couple of times though and teaching them how to do it takes a little while- you will be tempted to just do it yourself because you can get it done faster and better. But don't do that- you will be missing out on a great way to teach your kids how to become independent and help others.
I had my kids help me make dinner the other night- it took an hour longer than it would had I done it myself- but they really had fun helping and they ate every bite!
Don't feel guilty about not having them in a ton of after school activities either. We have boy scouts and girl scouts and that is it.(we have 5 with one on the way) and I used to feel guilty that we couldn't afford to put our kids in soccer or dance until I realized that my kids actually had time to play after school and their friends didn't because they were always at practice or a game. And my kids don't' seem to miss not being in anything- when they get to older grades, I will encourage them to try out for different school sponsored stuff but I am okay with not signing them up for everything right now.
Anyway, it is really easy to get overwhelmed with 5 kids and everything it takes to be a SAHM- I think your SO needs to support you more, but I also think that you need to find an outlet for you. I draw and paint and read. Others exercise or join a book club or knit. Find something to help you relieve your stress and remind you that you are a person too! Take a class- even just a bible study, where it's just you and some other girls for a while. It doesn't' have to be expensive, but try to make it more of a priority.
Good luck!
C.

Sit down together and go over your budget now and then what child care and you would possibly make and the extra chores he would have to do since you would be working make the 2 lists and then see if you have any extra money if you go back to work. For us my husband wanted me to stay home than resented not having the little bit of extra money.. but it was very little.

Chances are child care assistance could help with the cost of your child care but even if you worked part time during the day you would have an income.

I have found when I worked outside the home that I was able to get much more done at home. There is time to do all this plus more like homework and spending time with the family. Ask any working mother at this site.

You can work in the school system, as a substitute, or maybe as a teacher assistant, working with kids with special needs as an aid is very rewarding too.

There are probably several Mothers-Day-Out programs in your area too, they might be needing teachers too. They are usually during school hours and only a few days per week and your little one could go along. I did find that I hated child care when I had kids at home and choose to do something else until they were older. I was a bridal consultant, a wedding planner, a computer technical support person in a call center, worked for over 10 years with persons who have developmental disabilities, and some other part time jobs. What I am saying is there are all kinds of jobs out there and most are rewarding in any kind of sense even outside of the paycheck.

You could check with your employment office and see if there are individuals needing a helper of some sort too.

I have ALWAYS found that when I worked outside of the home I felt better about everything. I had a break from being at home all the time, I had the ability to have extra spending money so I didn't feel so dependent on my husband.

Another thought too, if you only have one child home all day why are you stressed out about the house? If you schedule your time well I don't understand why the washer and dryer aren't running while you are doing something else. I choose to not stress about the house and the kids have chores. Their rooms are their responsibility and papa helps them. If their rooms are not at an acceptable level they don't get certain privileges. They have a job to do just like everyone else. It's their responsibility to do their jobs.

A family meeting sounds like a good idea at this point. Each person should have assigned jobs. Even hubby. My hubby helps the kids clean their rooms, does the dishes and takes out the trash. He is also responsible for the outside work. If he chooses not to do it he is welcome to hire someone to do it for him. Not my problem, I just want them done, he can pay them.

There is no reason school age kids are not doing dishes after dinner and putting their laundry in hampers and learning to wash it themselves, with supervision of course until they are proficient. They should have chores, they live there too.

Of course you are "afraid" to work thats because you're not stupid. These people who are giving you a hard time for not working -maybe they dont know what it's like to work AND do all the house work, cooking, errands, babysitting. I'm sure he's not going to help more around the house when you start working because he will always claim to "work harder at work than you" and "make more money than you". Even if you find a job while he's home he doesn't sound like he'll do any cleaning while you're gone. He sounds lazy. Tell him FIRST he has to prove his worth around the house and his ability to be a good father who's willing to drive kids to afterschool activities, take them to Dr. apts and make them healthy meals and THEN you'll get a job. but he goes first.

Please don't take this the wrong way...but I think you are AFRAID to work. You say it a few times in your post. I think maybe you are afraid of change? Change can be a good thing, and a very scary thing all at the same time. I have been through a LOT of changes in the past three years and all of them were scary at the time. I had my first (and only) child, and then decided to be a stay at home mom. I was definatley afraid when I quit my job. I had always worked, and the thought of not having a job frightened me. But I did it, and it turned out to be the best thing at the time. Then we moved away from home. Another very scary thing. But it was ok. We lived away for a year and a half, and then decided to move home. Again, I was afraid we were making the wrong choice and I was scared. But the move home turned out to be a great decision. Once we moved home, I got my old job back. I was VERY afraid to go back to work. I was worried about leaving my child, I was worried because I had been out of the workforce for 2 years. But going back to work has been another great decision! I love being back at work. I love my job and my co-workers, I love getting out of the house and the extra money is awesome. We have been able to buy many extra fun things, vacation, college savings etc. Don't be afraid to work.

It sounds like you are not too happy at home either. Maybe working would be good for you. It would get you out of the house and force your SO to step up at home. And hey, if it doesn't work out, quit. Its not permanent. Find a job (maybe even part time) see how it goes, and if you don't like it then you quit and go back to the way things were.

Or you can always try to find a way to make money by working at home. Sell Avon, or maybe find a few kids to babysit inside your home. Either way, I hope things work out for you. Try not to be afraid of anything! Change can be a good thing.

I was always super ambitious. I thought my career was everything. Then we got pregnant and moved across the country. I decided not to get a job since I'd just leave it a few months later since I knew I'd want to stay at home with the baby. She's 17 months now and our next one (a surprise!) is due in 2 weeks. I couldn't imagine not being with them but almost more than that, I feel like I really SHOULD be home to keep my house running. From time to time, my DH and I do check in about whether a job would be beneficial and so far, we just get more creative.

So:

Have you ever read the Tightwad Gazette? Yes, the book/s are old (I think the last was published in 1994?) but they are amazing! They'll give you all sorts of ideas on getting your house where you want it to be, usually w/o spending money at all. From garage sales to simply learning to turn down situations that might cost you money you don't want to spend, these things are invaluable to my family. There are editions 1,2, and 3 or you can find "The Complete Tightwad Gazette" which I believe combines the three. (We have the separate books.) And the books were compiled out of a newsletter so it's not an intensive read. It's more like a quick few paragraphs to maybe 2 pages on a topic. Really fantastic to keep, say, in the bathroom.

I had a similar problem w/ my husband, keeping him focused and remembering that his work day may be over and he got to leave the office but I did not, but my main point is the books so I'll leave it here. I really don't know how I would get through these early childhood (read: very tight financially) years w/o The Tightwad Gazette.

I would tell him that since he's so lazy about helping with the children and housework - you working is out of the question. That isn't even beginning to get into the explanation that if you work, you wouldn't even be able to pay for the childcare fees you'd be slapped with since you won't be home and not home after school. Your salary will not cover it.

Daycare and after-school care is EXPENSIVE!!! A minimum wage to even $10/hr won't cover the costs of such a venture. He needs to get a reality check.

I would tell him that he needs to watch the kids some days while you do some interviews and that he is in charge of dinner and the house. If the house is a disaster when you get home and dinner isn't ready, then make a BIG deal about how even IF they want you to work for them, you can't! look at the house! Why didn't you plan dinner? What were YOU doing? is the homework done? Why not?

An option is.... a night job.
I know some Moms... that do that.
So that they can be home with their kids.... and meanwhile make a little money.
But then that would mean, your partner would have to take care of the home/kids.... at night.
AND you both would not see each other...much.

I am wondering if you have done the math here to see if it is even financially feasible for you TO work. If you were only making minimum before I would imagine that would be what you would make again. Figure out how much it would cost to put your child into daycare. Then figure out your expenses related to work (gas, clothing, parking or whatever) It may turn out that it will cost more for you to work. Plus-who is going to watch ALL the kids during the summer break? That would cost a fortune I can imagine. I would also put in writing everything that you would expect from him if you did work. All of the chores he would need to help with. That right there might change his mind! And don't be bitchy about it-just matter of fact.

I agree that you cannot work with your husband not helping at all. It would be just too stressful and out of control. If it does come down to you getting a job I would hope that you would make sure that he does his share. And DO NOT jump in to do his. Just let things fester. Hard, I know. But it may prove your point to him.

Would it be a reasonable compromise to return to work once all your children are in all-day school? At least then, child care costs would be minimal, if anything. Perhaps you could even work while they are at school and be home when they are home. Yes, you'd still have the house to care for, but at least you'd be with your kids when they were home, and you'd have the extra income with little or no child care costs. Just an idea.

Sorry if I repeated... didn't read your responses...

If my husband didn't help around the house, I'd be afraid to go to work too. And him saying 'Oh, I'll figure it out once you get a job" is a poor excuse. I'd tell him to show me through actions that he is capable and willing to help around like he should. Yes, the kids should help too.

As for extra income and time with the kids. I've always believed that running your own business or working from home works best. That's what I do now. That way the parents and kids are together more often. You've had a lot of good advice here so I don't know what else to add. I am not a big believer in therapy (depending on why the person is seeking it). If anyone needs therapy, it sounds like it's your husband! I hope you have some family or close friend you can turn to as well.

Ideally he should sleep a bit then get up and take care of the kids while you work, but forcing someone to take care of the kids, even when it's their own doesn't end well (resentment, yelling at the kids, oversleeping, etc). Tell him when yall have a nanny you'll get a job. He doesn't help around the house AND you have a job already your a mom taking care of your youngest at home. Tell him you don't want your youngest in daycare so you are staying home. Don't let him push you into a job. Tell him if he can find you a stay at home job you'll do it. Good luck. I felt like I was reading a job manual from the description of your day lol... sounds like you have a full time job already!

My husband adn I sat down adn did a budget with me working and with me not.
If I worked I would spend all my paycheck just in daycare, diapers, babyfood, formula, etc. With me at home all this was eleiminated, I made the baby food, did cloth diapers, nursed the little ones.
Also with 5 kids consider hiring a cleaning agency and show him how much that costs.
Then see if you can afford to go to work.

Hi Momof5,
Have you thought about providing child care in your home for other children? I have a friend who does that - she started because she needed to work but also wanted to stay home with her children. She makes a nice 2nd income from it.

That way you could have your littlest home all day, and be home when the others get home from school.

Just a thought.

If you can pull it off...with young kids and the cost of daycare you are going to be exactly where you are at minus any piece of mind if you just go get a job for the sake of appeasing your SO.

I would see if you can find a way to do a bit of schooling instead (online, weekend classes, whatever) so that when the youngest finally does hit school age you can feasibly get a better paying job or skill that will allow you to make more. It is going to be slow going and require a lot of hard work, but worth it in the long run.

Otherwise...since your SO works nights, and the weeks are flying by...get a part time weekend job. I have a couple college degrees, but chose to stay home for a few years with my kids. My house was a disaster, and I was miserable. I took a part-time waitressing/managing restaurant job just to get a few spare bucks (generally from $15-$50/hour) , but more importantly to get out of the house. Best thing for me and my husband. I felt better about myself for contributing, and we had some extra $$. I was also able to be around adults and have a fun social job. The biggest benefit, though, was having my husband care for our two kids while I worked...he realized REAL FAST that staying at home with the kids was no picnic. It made the time we actually spent together better...and more importantly I felt better.

You have gotten so many great responses, I didn't read them all, but I don't see how you can afford to work. Does your SO work evenings or nights? If he would need to sleep during the day, you would be paying for at least 1 child fulltime, gas to get to work, lunches from time to time, clothing for work, extra taxes, your income might put your family in a higher tax bracket, meaning he will also pay more in taxes. Is he willing to watch the other kids before/after school, help them with an after school snack, start supper, do some housework etc. You must figure all those costs into your paycheck. Do you have 2 vehicles? Sounds like you would need it or pay public transportation. However, your kids are all quite capable of helping.... they can help with the dishes, set and clear the table, keep their own rooms clear, have a weekly chore suh as dusting, vacuuming, help with the bathroom, laundry etc etc.
Before you sit down with your SO, call some local daycares and get prices for childcare depending on the hours you need.

The other thing is to look into a home business, some are very affordable to get started and you get wonderful tax breaks. Some can be done right from home, no going out doing parties or delivering products. There are work from home jobs, but very hard to find something flexible enough for your schedule. if you are interested, go to my website and request free information.
www.LiveYourDreamsAtHome.com