My Screaming Toddler

Have you read The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Karp ? he has great ideas for dealing with tantrums. to sum it up quickly "put her feelings into words..."you want all the markers in your hand, you want them all!" "You dont want to wear the hat-you don't think you'll look like you in the hat"
I dont think you should force her to sit on the saddle and wear a hat if it freaks her out, but the one marker at a time etc etc you'll need to try to deal with. As this if my third child I pick my battles, some things I just let go but the important ones I hold my ground. But I give choices all the times, little ones dont get to control much in their lives and we have to teach them how to make decisions. So give her CONTROLLED choices all the time like the blue marker or the red? the yellow toothbrush or the green?, use the upstairs bathroom or downstairs? he forgets he didnt want to brush his teeth, use the potty etc. too many choices are overwhelming and can take forever to decide my son is 5, I still give two sometimes 3 choices. My daughter is very strong willed - a real pain when she was 3! but kinda great as a teenager dealing with peer pressure!

The worst thing you can do with a child like this is to constantly try to make them happy. I know that sounds odd or wrong, but trust me - these are tiny control freaks. When everyone tries to keep this type of personality happy, things get worse. The more they are catered to, the more they feel that EVERYTHING in life should go THEIR WAY, and the more they freak out when it doesn't.

When she starts screaming about markers, instead of trying to calm her down or distract her, just silently and immediately take the markers away. If she asks why or howls that she wants them, just calmy and quietly say a brief sentence or two - "No, no coloring right now. It obviously makes you upset." Chances are that at first, this will enrage her, but when you react the same way every time, she'll start to adjust her behavior. If she screams about the TV, turn it off. If she screams about lunch, take it away. If she has a fit about something like choosing her clothes, just say, "OK, choosing makes you unhappy. I'll choose for you." Then STICK TO IT. Do not back down because the howling gets worse. We need to teach our kids how to be happy, functioning adults, and they can't learn that if they never learn to handle a single moment of frustration.

The quieter and quicker you are, the more effective you'll be. Don't let her scream for 10 minutes and then take whatever it is away, do it immediately. Don't waver, let just one instance slide or start trying to negotiate. Never say, "Oh, you don't like the blue one? How about the green one? OK, OK, they also have purple. How about that? Maybe another store will have a pink one." If she starts howling about the blue one just say, "OK. You don't need it," and walk away. Keep walking! Do not turn around and give her a 2nd chance if she promises to be quiet. She has to show good behavior FIRST, not after a fit.

I have 4 kids, and 2 of them have been control freaks. :) Occasionally, my 11 year old (my youngest) will still miss out on a treat when the rest of the family gets one, because she'll try to hijack the choices. For instance, we'll go for ice cream and I'll say that everyone can get a cone, but she"ll want an enormous sundae. She'll complain and pout and wheedle, trying to get the huge sundae, but I'll tell her, "If you don't want a cone, you don't need anything." She'll figure I'm bluffing (I don't know why, I never have been before) and then sulk when everyone else has a treat and she doesn't. Sometimes, when she's with someone else (an aunt, friend, teacher etc.) they'll give in to either her "negotiating" tactics or a full blown shrieking fit, and think it'll calm her down; EVERY SINGLE TIME, it turns her into a monster, and they're shocked. She doesn't try the full blown tantrums on her dad or me, and hasn't since she was in diapers, because she knows it won't work on us. Despite heading into puberty, she'll still do it when we're not around, if she thinks it'll work. If she's like her big sister, pretty soon she'll realize that it alienates people she wants to like her and she'll give it up entirely.

Hang in there!!!!!

All kids 18 to 36 months throw tantrums on occasion, some more than others. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, it just means your daughter is frustrated and doesn't know any other way to express her feelings. My daughter who is 2 doesn't throw too many tantrums, but she also doesn't "go along" with many things like wearing hats or posing for pictures ( i have millions of her frowning and grabbing for the camera ). So I don't push her to do these things, even if all the other kids are. Yesterday we were at the library where 20 other kids were dressed up like fairies and dancing around (so adorable). My daughter looked amused and went up for some fairy wings but as soon as they were on, she got that look like she didn't want to wear them and things would turn ugly. So I quickly took them off and she was happy again, happy to just watch the other kids. So don't push her on the things that aren't important, unless you want to see a tantrum.

The best thing is to try to foresee tantrums, don't do things when she's overtired or hungry or thirsty, or some things that you know would just be too frustrating. And trust me it does get easier, I think the hardest time was 18 to 24 months (for me). After she turned 2 she could do a lot more on her own without my help. Your daughter will not be stupid or unhappy forever, she is just going through a phase, stick with it!

If you're looking for a good book I recommend "Making the terrible twos terrific!" by John Rosemond, its very helpful.

Read the book Raising Your Sprited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It might help you understand a little bit better what is going on. Also, does she talk? She might be frustrated because she is unable to communicate what she has in her head. She is probably very smart, but she may not be able to get her thoughts out verbally fast enough for adults to grasp them. You should try sympathetic listening with her. Put her feelings into words. "You are mad because you want to hold 2 markers when you color" and see what she does. Sometimes just knowing that an adult understands what you feel can make a big difference. (BTW, why not let her color with a handful of markers at the same time? Maybe she was trying to make a rainbow with one big swipe...my kids do this all the time.) she might have an idea how she wants to try something, but she is frustrated because she is not allowed to try it. I would let her be creative and try to find out what she has in mind before trying to get her to do stuff the "right way". Also, another thing that worked for me was to use a timer to get her to transition from one activity to the next. "in five minutes when the buzzer beeps, you need to wash your hands for lunch" That will give her time to finish what she is doing before she has to stop and eat lunch. That helped me a lot once my kids got used to the idea. Good luck. You and your daughter will be fine, but read the book!!

hello my dear cori....oh man, i have a 20 ms old boy - i'm in THE SAME BOAT...i call him my little angel w/horns (not to his face) but still! he does the same thing, i think it's the age. it's so hard to not blame ourselves, but please don't b/c you'll only (and me too) be discouraged to keep trying to do what you know's right - discipline, structure, love, etc. y'know? :)
also, someone recommended that book Happy Toddler or something... i've put in a request for that at my library, apparently VERY helpful, but haven't read it yet of course. i'd recommend that b/c a LOT of mommas told me to read it too.
good luck sweetie, don't give up, don't blame yourself, if you believe in a higher power - PRAY, and most importantly please know you're not alone and i struggle DAILY (do you hear me?...DAILY!!) w/my angel that i adore! :)

good luck & take care!

You probably have a normal, high-spirited toddler, and you must learn to pick your battles. To be honest, it sounds like you are trying to control her and have her do what you want her to do. Can she talk or at least communicate with you via sign language? I was able to head off most of our tantrums by finding out what my daughter wanted to do, and if it wasn't going to hurt her, me, or our pets, I'd let her do it. Children this age want to experience the world on their terms as much as possible, we as parents can facilitate this as long as it's safe. More structure comes into play as they get older (3 and up).

My child does throw tantrums, don't get me wrong. But she can tell me what's upsetting her or I tell her "I can see that you're very upset, can you calm down enough to tell me what's upsetting you so I can help you?". If her fit is violent enough that she could hurt herself, I hold her facing away from me with her legs under mind (to prevent kicking) and hold her hands (to prevent pinching), and just breathe deeply and say "shhh...." when I exhale. She starts to relax as she feels my breathing and then she can communicate with me.

Sounds to me like you have a normal "almost 2" aged child. She's not stupid or will she be... She knows what she wants and doesn't want, but still isnt sure how to properly communicate that yet. Give it some time... Don't think you did anything wrong. They call it the "terrible 2s" for a reason. The "terrible 2s" start at about 18mos and continue into the "tremendously terrible 3s".

Hi there,
My daughter had a meltdown yesterday. I've never seen her act this particular way before (that extreme) and it brought me to tears. (I'm also almost 8 months pregnant) She might have a small tantrum maybe once a month or so, but this one was awful. I couldn't believe this was my kid!!!
It was over something so simple that I couldn't believe she was doing it. I had to put her in a time out for talking back and she just kept screaming. Even when I tried to talk to her calmly, she would still scream. Finally, she screamed "pick me up!!!" she was in the doorway of her room, and I went to her and said "why?" Then she screamed..."PLEASE, you put me in a time out!!" I couldn't resist and picked her up. It least she was obeying and not leaving her room. She calmed down, and actually said she was sorry for screaming. I was crying and she started to wipe my tears away (she is 3 years old) It was very sweet, but it was like a light switch. I asked her why she wouldn't stop screaming and she said she didn't know. I just let it go because she was hugging me so tight. Everything was fine after that. Kids can be so weird!! But, anyway, picking your battles are always the best. I don't believe you can teach her not to have tantrums, but in time, she will probably grow out of it. I think contacting a play therapist sounds like a great idea. I'm sure she knows a lot more then you think she knows, and she won't be "stupid". If she wants to hold two markers at a time, then you should let her. It's no big deal, they can make really interesting art that way!
Public tantrums are devistating to deal with. The only thing to do is to take her out of the situation.
Good luck toyou!

I'm not sure how verbal she is but it sounds like she is very bright and just can't express herself- she probably wants to do so many things that she isn't capable of yet and it really frustrates her. It may help to give her empathy and language, e.g., say, "wow you must be really really frustrated! You're frustrated! No one likes to feel this way" and things like that- help her verbalize what she feels. I did this a lot with my daughter (now 3) and now she will say things like "i'm crying because you made me brush my teeth" or "i'm sad because I don't want to eat that".

I took a really helpful class called Positive Parenting (also a book by nelson?) and it went through 4 possible motivations that can drive undesired behavior and how to respond to those motives.

I'd highly recommend the class- look for it in your area or check out the books.

Sorry have to run hope this helps!

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