My Mother in Law Took My Autistic Sons Bottle Away Without My Consent!

I would be on the war path! I would be livid, and I would never let this child be alone with MIL again given his special needs (the older kids are a different story, but she clearly doesn't understand this little guy). I probably wouldn't say anything to her about it because you are not likely going to make her understand him, his special needs, or how to relate to them so you will never get the, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea!" speech.

Good luck!
-B.

For your son's sake you need to confront your mother in law. She needs to know that she has overstepped her boundries. Let her argue, let her get defensive, but by all means, lay down the law for her. Your son may not want to be with her now as he may now associate her with negative things and lack of security. If this is your husband's mother, then he needs to confront her also. I had to do this with my husband's sister and my own mother. They eventually got over their own feelings. I am my children's mother and I had to remind them of that (and it was not pretty in bothe cases). It is not a pretty site when you have to call your own mother on something and argue with her about it, but I did it for my kids. As I told my mom: I am their mother, I make the rules, and it is time to put on your big girl britches and deal with it.

I don't have any experience with autism. but....i wouldn't appreciate it if my mil(or my mom if she was still alive) would changed course on my child before my husband and i had decided to. things like bottles, potty training, pacifiers.. things like that, i think should be a parents responsibility.
my guess is she isn't very knowledgable about autism. just the little i know from knowing only a few aquantences with children with autism and reading on moms boards.. I WOULD EVEN KNOW NOT TO DO THIS.
yes you AND your husband need to sit down and talk to her. maybe not at dinner. but at a time with out the kids so it's not infront of them. be a united front. come prepared with printed information if needed. even if you have talked to her previously about what autism is and what sprectrum your son falls in.. i would bring PRINTED information. something she can read and not feel judgment.
i'm not saying y ou are going about prior conversations about this in the wrong way, sometimes we don't notice how WE are saying things either.. maybe preface the conversation with positives like we know you love our son with all your heart. we know you have raised a wonderful son(your husband) or other children. and that as much as you don't want your son to be different than other children, he is. and she needs to participate in you and your husbands parenting style. don't threaten that she won't get to see him. or anything like that. tell her by participating in the style that is needed for your son is only benefiting your son period.
and tell her as much as you know she was a great parent and did a great job with her children, if is now your husband and your time to do that same great job for your son. and you need her to be on the same page with them. for your son.
make it more about doing these things for him and not doing something for you and your husband.
if that doesn't seem to help , make a dr appt with your sons dr and have her some along for the sole purpose of the dr going over certain details about what your son needs directly to her.

goodluck. i'm feeling for you

we had to have a conversation with my inlaws a few weeks ago concerning things like not giving my 3 year old son rides on a riding lawn mower or letting a 6 year old cousin DRIVE the riding lawn mower with my 2 and 3 year old in the yard! (i about had a heart attack seeing this when we went to pick the kids up after staying with the inlaws for only the 2nd weekend ever..lol)they grew up on a farm so to them it's normal. my fil felt so bad and upset he called me a few days later and apologized saying how much they loved the kids etc. i felt sad too.. but i knew i had to stand firm on what i felt i could live with and letting my kids ride on lawn mowers wasn't one of them.
hang in there. not sure i was of much help
T.

Mothers tend to step on toes. My mom threw my nieces pacifier away whenever my brother had her. She did the same with my brother's girlfriend's daughter's bottle. I'll admit that it worked and my niece never took the pacifier again and the little girl finally got off the bottle. So in the end the parents might have been mad but it worked. My oldest is autistic. He does not carry around a blanket nor stuffed animal because I never have allowed it. The toys, animals, blankets, etc stay in the house. Therefore I have nothing to worry about when he wants to go to Kindergarten and they say, "I'm sorry but your son can't bring his blanket." None of my children had pacifiers, that way there was nothing to take away later. While she might has been mean in taking everything away at once, and while he was away from his parents too, he at least is off the bottle. By no means should you let her know you appreciate that though. Then she'll think that it was right. I think your husband has punished her enough in not allowing her to have visits alone with him again. Just say that you missed him so much while he was on their camping trip that you have a special night planned for just you guys. Also, print off some articles about autism and had them to her. Let her know that since he is her grandson you want her to be more educated about autism and how to teach and raise an autistic child. You might want to mention that you yourself have found a lot of helpful information in the articles.

P., I believe you need to take a strong stand and tell your mother-in-law that you are your childrens' parents. Explain exactly why you are upset and ask her not to do something like that again. If she is in doubt, she should not do it.

I have the same problem with my mother-in-law, who thinks my son is too old for a binky. She takes it away everytime she comes to visit. Little does she know, it just makes him angry at her.

I still remember 30 years later when my uncle took away my "sheetie". I don't have any idea why some adults feel it is their place to rip security items away from children.

Good luck!

Wow- I am going through something silimar right now. We decided yesterday that our kids will never be alone with my parents (and telling them why didn't go very well) because they don't do what is in the best interest of our children. One specific example is we were on vacation together and last year and they feed my daughter, who is alergic to nuts, NUTS! and we just got back from vacation this year and they tried to feed my son, who has mercury toxicity, FISH until I walked into the room and saw what they were doing. It sounds like your parents don't understand autism or don't care. We are putting our childrens emotional, mental and physical health before our guilt of my trusting our parents to be alone with them. Good luck with your situation!

P.,
I have a mil that is similar to yours. I would definately have dh say something to her. She has no right to make those decisions and you have perfectly good reasons why you haven't taken those things away from him. My mil gets defensive when we confront her too- and its ugly! But, my children's welfare and happiness is more important. My 9 y/o has Asperger's, and I'm well aware of the affect that change has on him- and to do that to a 2 1/2 year old with special needs is uncalled for to say the least.

There is no reason for you to make up an excuse to keep your own child!! I suggest you let her know that you are not happy with her actions and that she lied to you on the phone. She raised her children her way. It is now your turn to raise your children your way. She may not understand the additional needs of an autistic child. Perhaps that is where you could start the conversation. Bottom line is, after learning this the hard way, trust your instincts, they're usually right. If you are not comfortable with allowing your son to stay with your in-laws, then you don't allow it. Good luck.

Hello,
I do not have much experience with autistic children, but even I know that much change at once is dramatic. I'd ask an expert for verification of my feelings and then tell her why what she did was wrong and down right arrogant. I'm going through a divorce and recently told my in-laws where to stick it when they wouldn't listen to me regarding my son. He didn't poop for over a week while they had him because they refused to give him a suppository. I've never seen him in so much pain. I understand trying to keep a positive relationship with your in-laws, but sometimes they're wrong. They can either listen to you or lose priveledges. Good luck

I was put in a situation where my father in-law would give my step-daughter anything and everthing she wanted and would never ask us and most of the time we had already told her no and even sometimes told him she couldn't have what ever it was that she was asking for, things just got worse over the years and now we are the bad parents because he bought her love. She is now 20 years old and won't have anything to do with us.We now have a 22month son and he is NEVER allowed to be alone with our son due to he can't fallow our rules you just never know what other rules are not being obeyed. So here is my advice I know your is a little diffrent situation due to your son is autistic but stand your gounds it is your child you gave life to this wonderful little boy and it is your love and care that he needs. Don't be afraid to put your foot down and be honest and upfront with it now deal with it now they need to know that you are the one that is raising this child and your rules need to be followed especially where he needs a little extra love and care your the parents and no one can take that away.You will get the respect in the long run. So stand your gound and good luck!!!!!!!!!

I would talk to her about it -- it is not her child it is her grandchild -- she does not get to make decisions like that for him. You may make an excuse that night -- but then you will get in a pattern of making excuses -- so just be straight up with her, get it out of the way now and let her know you or your husband will not have it!

I agree with most the advice here. You and your DH are in charge of your son--not your MIL or other family members. I definitely think you are NOT overreacting and I think it is time to let your MIL know that you will not be parenting by committee. If she can't agree to do things YOUR way, even if she disagrees, then I wouldn't leave her along with your child.

Good luck! Family issues can be so tough!

my 20 month old has autisum and think you and your husband are right not let him be alone with your son. evey child has a security item even more so needed to autistic children more than ever when they are not with there parents i would tell her and if she argues with you i would lay it all out for her. explain to her what it does to her grandson and how you and your husband feel. she will either resect you for it or hate you either way your intrest is you son first and her feelings last. i hope i have helped.

Hello P.:
Maybe your mother in law does not understand that an autistic child has different needs than a child without autism. She probably sees your son as a 2 1/2 y/o with a bottle and while a 2 1/2 y/o with a bottle would be too old in a different situation it is not the case with you. I dont know your mother in law and not sure if she can be reasoned with but she needs to understand that you and your husband have a way of doing things and it works for you. At least you have your husband on your side and not taking his moms side, so that should answer your question about whether you have the right to get upset.
If she does get defensive then you simply need to tell her that your son was affected greatly by this series of events and that if she cant follow you and your husbands expectations then she simply will not be allowed to take your son out of your sight again. Yes this sounds harsh but what would you rather have, your mother in laws comfort compromised or your sons?
Good Luck
K.

She had absolutely NO RIGHT! You are absolutely right. I don't know that I would bring it up myself. I would wait for that opportune moment myself when she asks to bring him home and tell her that since her camping trip he has been more withdrawn. I would present her maybe with a good book about autistic children. Tell her an autistic child can not be cared for in the mannerism she decided was necessary and to read this book. I would tell her you understand she meant well but the road to heck is paved with good intentions! LOL!! I'm a little more harsh under these circumstances than most I must admit but I would have been livid. My son has A.S. and sadly no one treats him right. Everyone thinks he should be treated like a "normal" boy... and that just isn't so or gonna work. They make it worse on him which in return makes it worse on me. So their 5 mins of treating him "normal" causes me a great deal of drama, pain, and anguish. So I've stopped dealing with meddling of this nature in a kind mannerism I must confess but I’ve found no other solution.

I totally get how upset you are and I would be also. I would let my husband do the talking to her and just back him, because it is his mother. If he doesn't then I would step in of course. The reason I say I would let him do it because of experience with dealing with the other person's parent and thinking about how he has delt with mine. You may both feel she is in the wrong, however if you tell her and she gets upset he may take it out on you.I know when he acts the way he does to my mother, I get defensive even though I know its true. Don't make up an excuse because its important to be honest up front so you don't have to deal with this again in the future. because like you said Autism is difficult and he needs a different type of help then other children his age. Good luck to you and I hope this helps

Dear P., If that was me in the same situation I would have a hard time not ripping into her! As you say, autistic children need more security than other children and for her to just take things away from him that he is attached to is just mean. Whether she is just plain ignorant or is trying to treat your son like any other child she is not his parent and doesn't have the right to upset him (and you!) in this way. I would definitely let her know that what she did is way out of line and give her one more opportunity to treat you and your child with the respect and understanding that you all deserve. I am having a really hard time keeping cool about this as I feel very strongly that as a parent we should be consulted in every aspect of our child's care and to go behind your back and have your poor boy screaming is so insensitive and just WRONG!! Tell her exactly why you do not want her to watch him again and tell her to go buy a book on childrearing as she obviously needs to re-learn some basic child care issues! I don't care what child it is, you don't take their security things away from them until they are ready. You are your childs voice and you understand him better than anyone in the World so don't let her feel that you are in the wrong by being upset as you have every right to be mad as hell! I am mad for you! I hope I didn't go off too much but I feel strongly about this and I hope by letting her know how upset you are she will think twice before she traumatizes your son again. Good luck and God Bless to you and your family,
Shane

I feel so bad for you. I know it just makes me feel awful to know that my child has had an unpleasant experience. I think that you and your husband need to talk to your mother in law and explain to her that your son has special needs and major decisions should be consulted with the two of you first. Maybe she needs to be told how hard that is on him and that to lose both the bottle and his security item is extremely hard on him. Losing those items can be tramatic enough for a "normal" child.
When you speak to her avoid "you sentences" that make her feel as though she is being attacked. Try something like we feel that major decisions like should should be made my us. Explain to her how tramatic that can be to lose both of those at once. If she does not see your point of view you can also mention that his therapists would definitely back you up about how hard that is on him. (I assume he sees therapy). I don't know your mother in law, but maybe you two need to explain to her that she can only have your son if she respects the decisions you have made.
I am convinced my son is mildly autistic, but he has not be diagosed and I have had trouble with his paternal grandmother. Similar things where she doesn't respect what I want done for my child. It's very hard to talk to them. I hope that it all goes well for you and your son. Good luck!

I was just sick when I read this. I have no experience with autism but I know enough to know that children with autism are more easily upset and need consistancy in their lives. Your son was away from home, away from mom and dad, and then had his little pieces of security taken away too. This would be a lot for a child without autism to deal with. I suspect your mother-in-law feels she knows what is best for your child, not you. I think you should gently explain to her that children with autism have special needs and that she needs to follow your guidelines. To ease the tension a little you could even say you're open to suggestions - that you'll consider them, then decide if it's right for your son. But no changes to his routine are to happen without him. If you don't nip it in the bud now, it will just happen again. Some material from your pediatrician might be helpful to prove you're not just coddling him and you do know what's best for him.
My best to you. I hope you're able to work things out with your in-laws. Unfortunately, that generation seems to think they know how to raise kids and we're clueless.

I think that you and your husband should talk about what to say to his mother if she does asked to take him, because the answer would be NO from me. I work as a Para Professional and my specialty is working with autistic children. He needs that structure and security, he will let go of it in time, when he is ready. I don't know if you have heard of this place but they specialize in Autism and your school district should help pay for some or all of it. Your mother-in-law needs some education about Autism either from reading or going to a class. A class would probably be best. I hope that this helps.

Monroe Meyer InstituteMonroe Meyer Institute
444 S 44th St
Omaha, NE 68131

###-###-####

Yes...you should say how you feel to her. My mother in law and I have not seen eye to eye on a lot of things and I usually took the backseat and my husband would agree with me, but he never did anything about it. Finally on Easter a few years ago she had everyone over for dinner and changed the time of dinner a couple of hours before we were supposed to eat, up an hour. Since we were with my family we were late, but still early enough for the origional plan and they ate without us. I finally gave it to her. I made her cry because I felt so strongly about it. You just don't plan a family holiday and eat without your family...just like you don't take securities away from someone who depends on them without being the parent. Since then, our relatinship has recovered and we do alot better now, but she repects my opinion and she does not go against me like she used to all of the time. Maybe giving your mother in law some research on autism and why these kids feel and act the way that they do, it would give her a little more insight on the whole thing! You will never rectify the situation if you make stuff up and blow her off for the rest of all of your lives!

Autism or not, she shouldn't have done that move to your son. As my husband would say "God has given these children to My wife and I. We are grateful for your advice, but will choose, if need the course of action we find best suits our life and our child."
In othe words, thanks for that much needed or extremely NOT needed advice, we will take and do with it what we deem appropriate. Again, what she did was an obvious over step in her attempt to control a situation that she "assumed" was long past due, even when it wasn't her call to make.
All of us seem to have times when our advice or "knowledge" is not suitable or just plain not wanted. God help us all to know the times to shut up and stay out! Good luck with the conversation with your Mother in Law!

I can't believe you would even consider letting her have him again without the absolute agreement that she follow your rules concerning your son's welfare. It's not her decision to take things like that away from him. Has she ever spoken with doctors regarding your son's autism? Please, for you son's sake, don't make excuses, be upfront and direct with her, and if it means she retreats and doesn't speak with you for awhile, so be it. Your son's health is far more important than her unreasonably hurt feelings. This isn't about her and what is more convenient for her, or about her 'making him grown up'. Stick to your guns and insist she complies with your direction concerning all of your children. They are your precious gifts and she has no right overstep your guidelines to suit herself. If she doesn't like it, that's too bad, but his health is more important!!

P.,
Your MIL was out of line. It is your husband's responsibility to let her know while her grandparent/grandchild time is greatly appreciated, these actions were out of line. Your child has special needs that she cannot change. I would not leave your child with her until she has read up and/or attended classes on Autism.
A.

I would say something not in a mean way but in a way like you know that she did it and that you did not approve it. (repremand her like a little kid) My Mother in law does those things to my 7 year old and now she is starting to say stuff to her and me about when she leaves after a visit. Her kids wont ever say anything to her but I do and it makes me feel kinda bad but then my husband says well things like that need to be said. I don't bring it up after I say things to her that I don't like her doing to my kids and then it is dropped. I hope this helps you alot.

P.~
You have every reason to be upset!! There should be no big decisions made like that without the parents. And especially when you throw in the fact that your son has autisim. Does your MIL really understand why he needs those security things? I honestly think that she is old fashion...if you treat them like any normal child they will continue to act like a normal child. I really think that you need to talk to her about why you are so angry. I believe that if you lie now that it will only hurt your son in the future!