My Mother in Law ! - Spring,TX

If it were me (and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things with my MIL either) I would just politely decline her offer. Period. No explanation needed - and if you need an excuse, just make one up, why you can leave him there for that moment (" oh thank you, but we have X plans later on, so it is easier on all of us if we take him along...).
Keep on visiting and fostering their relationship - but under supervision.
I tried to explain our reasoning behind certain things that we want or don't want for our daughter a long time, but they always ended up feeling offended. Not worth it.

I know this will sound drastic but do NOT leave your son alone with her again. Unfortunately she is not responsible enough to take care of an infant and it's better to nip it in the bud before he falls on his head while she is taking care of him.

God knows we moms need a break with our hubby/boyfriend from time to time and if someone offers to watch our baby we appreciate the help, especially if it's family. But, family or not, if they're not willing to do a good job then it's not worth it; you will be stressing out every time you leave him with her and will not have fun anyways.

My MIL is 65 and very much healthy and active but I don't allow her to keep my 9MO baby girl if I'm not around.
I took this decision because of how irresponsible she has been when taking care of our oldest daughter; the only time we left her to go have some couple time, she went to bed with her boyfriend ( a 40YO man) and left my oldest daughter(she was 4 at the time) in the living room watching tv alone.
she didn't even care the balcony windows were open and she could have easily climbed out and hurt herself. When we got back my MIL and her boyfriend were sleeping comfortably in her room and my daughter was sleeping on the living room floor in front of the tv still on!

I have never allowed her to keep any of my girls again. she is ALWAYS offering when she visits and God knows I need a break, but I rather watch them myself and NEVER go out than to leave them with her and risk their safety. I never give a second chance to anyone who puts my children's safety at risk, family or not.

I think the best course of action is to not leave her alone with your child. At 73 she really isn't the right person to give primary care to an infant/ toddler regardless of the differences in care standards.

Your MIL is 73 years old and now you know what she did when she had your child, the simple solution is to just not let her watch your child when you are not there. If she asks to watch him you simply just say you appreciate her offer but you want to take him with you etc. She raised her children one way and it is unfortunate that today we have to be so careful but we have too and in her mind she feels she did that with her children and they are fine and there is nothing wrong with it. At 73 years old you are long past your child raising days and things change. I would let her enjoy your son when you are there so you can keep an eye on him. You might also show her how you do things but in a nice way. Do not let this cause a rift with your MIL as you can have a wonderful relationship without having her babysit. As for a grandmother giving a child something to eat that maybe the parents normally would not let them have, ask yourself is it really hurting your child? She means no harm to her grandchildren and only wants to love them the best way she knows how. Have a little patience with her and don't talk about her behind her back. It isn't worth ruining your relationship. I know she has a lot of good advise and knowledge and she may just be able to help you in that way. I have grandchildren and of course I know never to leave them outside by themselves, but I do know that I love my grandchildren and enjoy being around them and I do give them that ice cream cone once in a while or that soda that you might think is horrible, but it truly isn't going to hurt you child to have that once in a while and sometimes that is what makes it a special trip to Grandma's house. Let your children grow up to love their grandmother just the way she is. She deserves your respect. You married her son and I take it he is OK so she must have done something right. I would find me a good reliable babysitter that you know and trust for those times when you need to run errands or go out. It will be better for both you and your husband in the long run. Remember Grandma isn't going to be around that much longer so enjoy her. Good Luck to you.

You are right to have concerns , she is just doing what she did with her kids & probably doesn't think the world has changed that much. You will just have to make excuses if she asks to watch him again , keep visiting but make sure you stay with her......I think I like her though from your description , she's sounds funny!

In my opinion if she is not going to do as you have requested then she shouldn't be alone with your son. Especially if she has said she just does whatever she wants anyway. But do still visit with her as a whole family. My MIL is a closet alcoholic, so there is no way we would ever leave our son with her. She's not supposed to drink according to her divorce papers while she has my sister in law on the weekends and she still does. So I know I couldn't trust her with my son for any amount of time.

I can't believe all the people making excuses for her and worrying about her feelings! She has made it clear she doesn't care about yours. No way should she watch your child. If you want to put off the confrontation, you can go the excuses/declination route, but if she asks, you should be honest with her - since she is not willing to respect your wishes, you simply cannot leave your child with her and you are concerned for your child's safety. I wouldn't lay in to her, but I wouldn't worry too much about her feelings either. She's the one who's willing to lose the relationship, not you.

You need to find and read the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. This week.
A huge part of the problem is that the family knows they have to "stay on her good side or life is terrible." She is manipulating everyone to make them act the way she wants them to.
I can tell by your post that you were hesitant of leaving your child even before you did so. Go with your gut instinct. Moms have good instincts about what is best for their child.
Find and read the book!

Make up a polite excuse. If you are not comfortable leaving your child with her, don't. Listen to your insticts. Only allow her to watch your child if there is another responsible adult or teenager there to help. I think anything you say is going to hurt her feelings, so you are going to have to figure out a way to say little.

My response is a little late, but I think it is worth adding to this discussion. You have plenty of reasons to be concerned about your MIL. I don't always agree with what my MIL and SILs do, but they have never endangered my children. If I were you I would not leave my child unattended with your MIL. But, for family harmony I would not confront her or even discuss anything more than you already have. Make sure you and your child spend plenty of time with her together. The next time she offers to babysit thank her kindly for her generousity, but don't agree to it or even make it seem that it is a possiblity. Just tell her what a wonderful and thoughtful grandmother she is and make a date to do something with her and your son. No drama or confrontation necessary. You have already decided what needs to be done. You already know what she will do if she has your son unattended. There is no need for further discussion, because your mind is made.

Ok, so my gut reaction is just don't leave your baby alone with her. Period.

Oh girl, you are gonna get a lot of responses to this one! I (sort of) know how you feel, my MIL is similar. You definitely need to put your foot down, this is not a matter of something trivial like what color shirt he should wear, it is a matter of safety and possibly life and death. Yeah I know that could sound extreme to some, but not most mamas! I would suggest talking to your husband about it first to make sure you're both on the same page. As far as what you tell her, I suggest letting her know that you both are willing to bend on some of your rules, but not certain others. Or common sense! Then list some examples, including the ones you mentioned in your letter. Let her know that you are not willing to budge on these things because it involves your son's safety. Tell her that you really want your son to have a healthy loving relationship with her, but that you are not willing to leave her alone with him if it means risking his safety. Also, remind her that you and your husband are the parents, not her! She had her chance with her kid(s)! I know it's probably hard to confront her in a tactful way, Lord knows I probably couldn't do it. Good luck!!

Hi L.
I don't want to make it sound like your MIL doesn't care because I believe she loves her grandbaby. You said you live in the UK, it could be a cultural thing. I remember a long time ago a visiting couple from another country left their kid outside of a restaurant in America. Our country was livid but we found out that the couple's country does that all the time. Plus, my grandmother's generation raised children differently than the way we do it now. There are so many different changes, for example, when I was growing up we didn't have car seats but when I had my child, we had car seats. So keep things like that in mind when you speak to her. Now for a reality check. My in-laws were watching my children (ages ranged from 8 to 4 months), and they let them go play outside. They didn't watch them at all. One of my 4 year old got lost. She went down the street to play with another kid (Thank God). My hubby went off on his family and I let him convince me to let them watch my kids again. This time, they got into a car drunk, no car seats, no seat belts. We got there just in time. They were about to leave. Now I went off and I told them they would NEVER watch my children EVER AGAIN without me there. I wanted to say they weren't ever going to see us again but I realized that they are my husband's family and he loves them dysfunction and all. So I said never watch and they haven't. You know your in-laws better than me but I would say NO, she should NEVER be alone with your child. There are some GREAT in-laws out there, who will love and take care of their grand babies. Than there are in-laws who love their grand babies but don't have a clue. So she may change once you tell her why and than again she may stay the same. You and your husband need to have that conversation with her. I hope this helps!

OMG if you could see my face! LOL I don't know anyone who's not over protective with the first baby so please don't feel bad about that if you are. My MIL was like that between our baby and her kitten. Guess which one was more important to her?? Yes, the kitten! It was like she forgot what it's like when you have that first baby. There was no compassion towards me or my feelings as a new mom at all.

Long story short, my daughter's first overnight visit with her grandmother was when she was 3 years old! he's 7 today. Our second daughter, same thing. She's 3 now and her first overnight stay was 4 weeks ago. I felt this was best for our kids. I made it clear to my hubby how I felt about the safety of our kids and believe it or not, no one questioned me. I will tell you that my kids love their grandma and the relationship with her is better than the one they have with my mom. They are very, very close!

Your son will have a healthy relationship. Copnsider supervised visits with his grandmother.

I think she has given you the best answer: She will do what she feels is best when you are not around. Period. Now it is up to you to decide if you would like to leave your son with her. She and he can have a wonderful relationship, in your presence or until he is old enough to be cared for without a lot of supervision. I'm wondering what advice you would give to another mom in this position? What is most important? I would hope you would choose safety over your mother-in-law's feelings. Harsh, but what alternative it there?

Best to your family,
Jen

I haven't read the other responses, so sorry this is probably a repeat. But you are your child's advocate. If she won't adhere to what you ask then you cannot leave your baby with her or you have to accept how she handles him. My MIL does some things differently than me at times but nothing that would put my children in danger and that is where I see the problem here. Of course have her over, take your child to her place, enjoy holidays, but if she won't accept how you run things and you cannot accept how she does things you really don't have another choice about leaving your baby with her. Your husband probably won't really get too involved but if she does complain to him about not being asked to watch the baby just tell him how you feel and that may lead to things getting resolved better. Men can be bulls in china shops but sometimes once they get in the mix things get solved. Until then or if that never happens I personally would not leave my child with her. Best wishes!!!

Your husband is the person primarily responsible for the relationship between your family unit (you, him, your kids) and his parents (however many there are) - especially around difficult issues. Same goes for you with your parents (this usually only presents conflict if your parents are difficult or if you disagree with your spouse about the course of action to take).

If it doesn't feel safe to leave your 8 month old with his elderly grandmother (who may not have the energy to care for an infant - when I'm 73 I'm not sure I want responsibility for an 8 month old, even for two hours, gotta say) don't leave your 8 month old alone in the care of his elderly grandmother. Make sure she gets to see her grandson but isn't solely responsible for him. Maybe this is just something she cannot handle. That's OK. She just is who she is. Dealing with reality is much better than ending up in the ER and being resentful and sorry you didn't listen to your instincts.

I agree with others. If she offers again just say no thanks you. I would just bringer your son for visits and that's it. Don't feel bad about standing up for the safety of your child. There is no rule that says Grandma has to babysit.

we have baned people from watching our son. its not that hard. when they ask say alright when we need someone we will give you a call. we rarely need anyone and only have about three ppl we trust. she is 73 and raised kids very differently than we do. my grandmother will often say things like we did that and our kids were fine. next time she says something like that i am going to tell her " you also painted your cribs with lead paint and we now know better". when she wants to see your little bit go with them. he cannot be left alone with her untill he is old enough (5or older). the stroller could have rolled into the street, cats could have jumped on him, ppl, the stroller could have tiped over, birds, some one needed to be there. so sorry your having to deal with this. our aunt said to us " if you dont stand up for your son and do whats right, keeping him safe who will". since then it was easier to tell people no or go with him. stand your ground momma. you will learn to be a momma bear. she can only make life tough on you if you let her. water off a ducks back.

nope you cant leave an 8 mth old outside youre house unsupervised, thats just thick - dont tell her that tho lol.

she is obviously out of touch, things were probably different when her kids were young and she probably did that sort of thing.

also babies who cant sit up on the sofa is not a good recipe.

you are not overeacting, its going to be tricky to explain to her without hurting her feelings, but if she watches him again, tell her she cannot leave him outside, or on the sofa unsupervised

Nope I would never leave her alone with your son again. Visit her but stay at the house. She's doing nothing different with your son than what she did with her own children which is ok in her mind. You aren't going to get her to come around to your way of thinking and you would be putting your son at risk by leaving him there.

You are right in your decision about not leaving the baby with her..I am so sorry..I don't think her age has anything to do with it..I would trust my children with my MIL and she is 77..but she is responsible..I know 44 yr.olds who are just as irresponsible. I am a 58 yr. old grandmother of 8, and I have taken care of my grandchildren ever since they were born. More some then others. They come and spend summers with me and their parents have no fears. I do as they ask to a certain degree, but like I tell them this is how I roll, if you feel you do not want them here, do not leave them..Of course, I would never endanger them or anyone elses' child, and before I do anything new with them, I call their parents first.

Of course they have been with me every summer and spring break for the last 2 yrs. cuz I just moved here to this city, but in Killeen they were with me every weekend, just about.

It sounds like it might be safer and better to hire someone to watch your child. Having gramma come over when you are home to help, might be the right answer to the problem, if asked why she can't watch him anymore on her own tell her that your childs safty is important ant the she can't leave him by himself even for a moment to get milk,go to the bathroom etc. with out being in a safe place. Being left outside on the porch by himself just is not done, because people will kidnap him just read the papers and listen to the news....

It doesn't sound like you've had to deal with much difficulty in your life. It sounds like you probably knew how your MIL would handle this prior to leaving your son with her. So, it seems surprising that you were surprised by how she'd handled it. If it's upsetting, don't leave him with her again, it's pretty simple. And make sure your husband takes the lead on the situation.

When my son was born (nearly 9 years ago), I had similar problems... not with my mother-in-law, but with my own mother! She was only 61 at the time, and was much younger that her years would have suggested. As we could not really afford daycare, and were not thrilled with the idea of putting a newborn in the care of strangers... my mother and my two sisters volunteered to care for my son at my home.

While I was grateful for the help, it quickly turned in to daily debates and an all-around nightmare! My oldest sister often deliberately did things or did not do things that I had specifically asked. My mother constantly tried giving him cereal and solid foods (banana, peanut butter, etc.) well before he 4 months old and wanted me to leave his car seat at home so she could go out during the day (because she was "bored" at my house all day). Granted, she was not elderly or senile in any way, but she didn't pay the greatest attention when driving, and was often forgetful.

I explained on several occasions that she should not be feeding him any type of cereal or solid food because he wasn't old enough and might not have been able to swallow it properly, AND it could cause food allergies. I also explained that I did not want her "toting him around town" just because she was bored... if she had errands to run or doctor appointments, I asked if she could please schedule them for days when she wasn't watching my son. She would also often forget to keep record of his bottles and diapers (ie. when and how much he ate, and when she changed him and whether the diaper was dirty or wet).

Even after explaining my reasons and repeatedly telling her that I did not want her feeding him solid foods, I continued to find evidence that she was doing it anyway. I eventually had to hide all the cereal bowls, spoons, and packages of baby food and cereal in an effort to prevent her from continuing to feed these foods before he was ready.

She also informed me at some point that since I refused to leave his car seat, she had purchased one at a yard sale so she could go out during the day. I absolutely put my foot down, since the car seat appeared to have been manufactured sometime during the early 1970's!!! I eventually gave in and began leaving my car seat, but even that wasn't good enough. She then started asking me to leave the stroller, so she could simply walk across the street to the mall... down our residential street, and across 8-lanes of traffic with no sidewalks or crosswalks of any kind. ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I felt the need to keep the stroller in my car at all times, to prevent her from doing it anyway.

It was a constant battle with my mother, with her often "reminding me" that she had raised three children and she wasn't doing anything with him that she hadn't done with us, and that we had all turned out just fine. After months of heated discussions with my mother, and being told that I was overbearing, and that my requests and "rules" were ridiculous, I decided to enroll my son in daycare.

To end the situation, I simply "reminded" my mother AND both my sisters, that while I appreciated their offer to care for my son, I was his mother and that they should have respected my decisions and choices regarding how I wanted them to care for him. Since they were unwilling or unable to do as I had asked, I had chosen to enroll him in daycare.

To wrap up a very long story... this is YOUR child... no one should be so flippant with his heath and safety. If your family is unwilling or unable to address your concerns, they should not be entrusted to care for him.

I would say never let her keep your child again- continue to visit her but find someone else to keep that precious son. Your husband probably didn't react the same because he lived with her, knows her stubbornness, and knows he won't win so what is the point. Same scenario in my marriage for 12 years. I conveniently find a way to get my errands done without my In Laws help as much as possible. Not for the same reasons as yours but the reasons are important enough to me that I find a way to make it work. I make sure that my husband or I are there at all times now when we take the kids over. I don't want to isolate them from their grandkids so we just make it work that way.

I don't think Grandma can watch your son anymore. But that's okay - you can still visit regularly and make sure Grandma has plenty of time with her grandson. But if she offers to babysit, you're going to need a good excuse - your neighbor wants to do it, or you have a friend who owes you a favor. Whatever you do, you cannot leave your child alone with Grandma again. Good luck.