My Mom Has a Drinking Problem, What to Do?

The organization you need to be interested in is Al-Anon. It's specifically for the family members and friends of the alcoholic. Not only do you get to know people in the same boat as you, but you also get to learn how to handle typical alcoholic behavior.

For instance, it isn't unusual for an alcoholic, when confronted, to be defensive ("You don't understand!"), denying ("I'm not an addict like my mother!"), and even counter-accusatory ("Look at the problems YOU have!"). It's good to know there are ways to handle this and other challenges.

Some people function well - they do their jobs, pay their bills, etc. - but they are still addicted to liquor. A person who says, "Oh, I can take it or leave it alone," but who, when it's available, always takes it, has a drinking problem.

Unfortunately, she'll probably have to take the trip down into the abyss to realize her problems.

Al-Anon is really the only you & your father can do, at this point, because you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, and you can't control others, not matter how bad their decisions are.

My suggestion is to encourage your dad to get some help for himself. He can go to Alanon or to a therapist. But, in order to take care of himself, he MUST get some help. It might also be good for you to get some help. Codependency and alcoholism go hand-in-hand.

Good to luck to you. It's a tough road...

High-functioning alcoholics don't think they have a problem because they hold down a job, don't have a string of DWIs, and seem normal to those not close to them. Therefore, they live shrouded in denial because they aren't winos in the street or the drunks you see starting bar fights. My brother is a high-functioning alcoholic, also. We have yet to open his eyes to the problem. Our oldest brother died last month and his dying wish was that my brother get help for his drinking. Even that hasn't been enough. He just doesn't seem to think he has a problem at all, and WE are the ones that have the problem. We are just over-reacting in his opinion.
The best thing you can do is for you and your father to seek help yourselves. Al Anon or even some self-help reading can help you two get some better understanding of what you are dealing with.
I wish I had the magic answer for you. But until she realizes she has a problem and agrees to help, it will continue to be an uphill struggle for all of you. You just have to focus on keeping yourself healthy, both mentally and physically throughout all of this.

I am so sorry your family is going through this. Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects each and every member of the family in some way. The best way you can help your mom is to help yourself first. Go check out Al-Anon and get some support for you. They can help educate you about what to do/not do with your mom and how to take care of you. Al-Anon is a anonymous support group that can really, really help you. For your mom to stop drinking, she has to realize that she has a problem. Until she does that, you can't do anything fo her. You can pray for her and set your boundaries with her so you stay safe. You can also suggest she seek out AA or other treatment but you have no guarantee that she will be willing or want to go. I wish you the best. Please go to Al-Anon for you. I promise you that it will help.

Take care--

M

Not sure if this is possible, but get your mothers empty bottles together from one week.. then show them to her. line them up...

Just use it as a visual as to how much she is drinking.

Let her know you are concerned about her health. Her liver, her weight.. etc.

I would even suggest the 3 of you go to an AA meeting together.

You cannot force anyone to change, but you can ask them to stop and consider their choices.

Unfortunately, you can't do much for her. She has to admit she has a problem, until then....all interventions and telling her she's got a drinking problem will be met with "NO. I am not" and her hitting the bottle even harder..

I would STRONGLY suggest that you and your father go to AL-A-Non meetings to help you understand the behavior and work with her to get her sober.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I hope and pray that she will acknowledge that she has a problem and seek help!!

She probably won't see that she has a problem until she DOES hit bottom..... I just hope it isn't catastrophic when that happens......

Alcoholics do a good job of lying to themselves and others.....

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is not easy and does not only affect the alcoholic, although the alcoholic is the only one that can make the decision to change. I lost my mom almost 6years ago to this disease and I wish people would be able to open their eyes and realize that this disease is killing them. My mom was also a functional alcoholic when I was growing up. But it became worse, she was hospitalized and jaundiced. She became clean and sober for years after. But I think once you are an alcoholic, it is a battle that you must fight every day for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, my mom did so much damage to her liver that when she presented to the hospital with jaundice the second time, she only had 2 days before she passed. It is an awful, painful way to die and very hard for people who love them to watch them go through this. My only advice since you have already addressed your concerns to your mom would be to love her and support her and don't go away, even when she pushes you and she will. Maybe share some stories of others who have gone through this with her. It makes it's harder since she knows what it's like to have an alcoholic parent but an alcoholic is an alcoholic, functional or not, it destroys your body.

She has to want to get help for herself. She wont do it for anyone else, and probably wont do it until she hits bottom, which may never happen. My mother/stepdad are the same way, my choice was to distance myself from them and they are no longer allowed around my kids as they kept coming over drunk. You cant fix her. You could try and intervention, but keep your expectations low as far as outcomes from this.

You said your dad asked you to help him with an intervention....do it! It sounds like he's willing to spearhead the problem. That's the only way you're going to get her to see she has a problem is to have a group intervention. You will have a trained professional there to help...I would definitely do it. People who are addicted to alcohol are great at denial and sometimes the people around them have to be the "bad guy" temporarily to get them the help they need.

What's going on with your dad? Sounds like your mom didn't start drinking until the divorce. What caused the divorce?

Your mom is what is called a "functioning alcoholic" and they are much harder to deal with because they are still functioning. I was a functioning addict and didn't see that my addiction was a problem because I was functioning. Then, when I went to an NA meeting and started talking to people I realized that even though I was functioning, my life had become unmanageable in that I changed the way I did things in my life to accommodate my addiction.

Get some literature on functioning alcoholics and share it with your mom. Point out that her life is/has become unmanageable in that people who are important to her do not want to be around her. I'm sure there are other things you are aware of that you can point out to her.

If she won't see that she has a problem, there is really nothing you can do. You can't help her with a problem she won't acknowledges exists. But you can go to Al-Anon for yourself.

Families members can do a couple things: go to Al-Anon to get support for dealing with an alcoholic family member and hire a private intervention specialist that will coordinate a formal intervention. The first option is free, the second will cost you. You can go on the internet and find intervention specialists all over the country. There is no easy answer to this devstating problem for families but these two options are things families can try. (I'm a social worker that deals with alcoholics in the hospital and their families who are desparate to help them).