My Friends Son Is a Brat

One thing you might try is the "stare down." When he misbehaves and looks at you, just give a simple non-angry stare until he looks away. DO NOT look away first, or he has won. This is an amazing discipline trick.

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So glad we aren't the only ones in this situation! Our very best friends also have a bratty son who has absolutely zero discipline anymore (they took a 4 year old to see Iron Man 2...seriously?!?!?!)!!! We originally thought that maybe it had something to do with the fact that his mom was going to have a baby, but we have found that we were just kidding ourselves. He sucker punched our son in the gut and if they play a game together he ends up calling our son names and being a poor sport. Anyways...we decided on a few things.

1. We have now limited the amount of time we spend with them. Until their son can learn to behave, we don't purposely spend time with them like we used to (the mom has definitely picked up on this which is a good thing).

2. Whether mom and dad are around or not, we will tell him that it isn't polite to "talk like that, say mean things, hit, etc.". I don't want to be disciplining another person's child, but if they aren't going to, I also need to look out for my son's best interest.

3. We have decided that if he ever hits my son again we will sit down and have a heart to heart with them. We know that they will probably be offensive and may not want to talk to us for awhile, but sucking punching anyone's child is not okay. If they truly are good friends, they will eventually get over it and move on.

I hope this helps and I hope that both of our situations get better soon! It must be the age!

You can't talk to her about it.

We had a similar situation on vacation this year with some friends. Love and adore mom and dad, kids were a nightmare - all the things you describe in your message, and the discipline just isn't there (but, mom and dad think it is). They were apologetic repeatedly.

My husband thought about saying something to the dad. I talked him out of it. How would you feel if it were your child? You'd get defensive and make excuses because it's a reflection on your capabilities as a parent, too. His approach was going to be that the dad needed to get a handle on it before they lost kids. In retrospect, he's glad he didn't say anything because he realized how he'd feel if it was one of our kids.

We found ourselves overparenting to make an example of how to be a parent. That's the real issue, not the child. He's simply doing what kids do, and she's allowing it.

So, I think this is a no-win situation. Limit your time with them. If she ever asks, make the hard decision if it's worth the friendship.

Good luck.

I understand where you are coming from. My best friend has a son who is 4 months old than mine. They've grown up together and are best buds, however he is very difficult to deal with most times. When we meet out to eat, the entire dinner revolves around keeping her son in line. It's frustrating to say the least, and I certainly don't want my son to act the same way. Since we are such good friends, and I know she's trying desperately to have her son behave, I simply speak up. If he's acting up around me I say something to him. I let him know what I think is acceptable behavior when we're out together and tell him if he can't cooperate with us, that we can't hang out anymore. That usually works. I know she's trying her best to keep him in line, but at some point they just seem to respond better to an "outsider". He knows me really well, but when I raise my voice to him, or give him a stern look, he changes his tone. I believe that it takes a village to raise our children. I would expect the same response from her. I want my son to know that he can't get away with bad behavior period. Whether I say something to him, or someone else. He should respect his elders! The next time you're together lay down the law and see what she says. She may be grateful. You never know. If she happens to take a offense to it, then you know where her lines are, and you might want to discontinue the play dates. Good Luck.

If her son talks back to you and she does nothing. Tell him what you would tell your own son. If he hits your son, tell him no hitting or your son will not be able to play with him. Tell him it not nice to hit. Then turn to the mom and ask her if its ok to say that to her son. Most cases she will be fine with it. IF she is not fine with it, find a new friend!

I like Dawn's advice. Years ago when we lived in Japan i had a best friends who's daughter was beyond a brat, we used to call her the spawn of Satan, she would not only trow temper tantrums and hit her mom she would bite her mom, and everytime we all hung out her child was horribly controled. my kids knew how to behave, and they never copied her or anything she did, my little girl was only a year or so older than her's. Just keep raising your son to obey and respect, your friend will see the difference between your sons behavior and hers, like dawn said don't let your son play at her house. Juliwe

I have had the same situation happen to me. I decided to really limit the amount of exposure. My son just didn't play as much with the boy. I tried to point out a couple of issues I was having with her son when he was at my house and she just made excuses for him. My son, at times, would exhibit some of the bad behaviors. I decided the pull back on the friendship b/c I felt my son's development was more important than being friends.

Be an example to your friend and help and support her where ever you can. You have no idea what may be happening in her private life or what my be happening with her child outside of your play dates.

I was that mother when my son was four years old. I did all I could to be consistant with discipline, but the tantrums were out of control. My son never hit another adult, but he did have problems interacting with other kids. Some times it was great, sometimes, he couldn't handle whatever was going on and would hit or otherwise be inappropriate with the other kids his age.

The women I thought were my friends turned on me, would no longer allow their children to play with my son and had nothing nice to say about me or my parenting skills. To make a long story short, it turns out my sweet son has Aspergers Syndrome, a high functioning form of Autism. We didn't know why he acted the way he did, and we were doing the best we could with the limited information we had. By the time we got a diagnosis and these "friends" learned what was really going on, they had so completely turned on us, the damage was done.

This is not a woe is me story, my son is now 12 years old and doing better each day. You just never know what may be happening when you are not around. If you must speak to your friend, ask her if everything is ok at home, ask her if there is anything you can do to help her. Your caring example may be the one thing she clings to as she struggles to raise her son. Walk a mile in her shoes, then see what you can do to make it better.

Bless you for caring enough to want to know what to do!
G.

If it's that bad don't have play dates anymore. Some people don't respond well to being told how to raise their children, so don't go their. Try your best to lead by example and if your child is misbehaving like the other child make sure to set your guidelines so your child understands and maybe the mom and child will understand to.

If the friendship is worth holding on to then talk to her.

I had a "friend" who's kid was a total brat! I used to babysit for them and bring my son over there. My son was around 1 and their kid was about 2 1/2. One day after leaving their house my son hit his dad..

Needless to say my hubby was pissed. We decided that we weren't going to let our son around their kid because he always came back with a bad attitude and there wasn't really a friendship there to begin with.

Here's what I think:

1. Your house your rules. If her son isn't behaving and she isn't stepping up, politely inform him that "we don't hit". I don't think it's inappropriate to let another child know what your "house rules" are. Perhaps by doing it in front of his mother she'll actually discipline him - that's NOT your job.

2. If the playdates at your house still are a wreck due to his behavior and her lack of control try either ONLY going out with her, gently talking with her about why you don't want to have them over or just meet out in "neutral" settings like parks and zoos.

I too have a difficult time when other people don't manage their children. I have had to learn that this is MY problem. Clearly, it doesn't bother them. I've even had my kids ask later, "Why does he act that way?" (in a dumbfounded tone). It takes every ounce of my self restraint to tell my kids that "those kids" have different rules than we do. And that there's nothing wrong with different rules, that just doesn't fly in our home.

When it comes to having people in my home, I try to use the "we" wording...that way I'm not attacking the child. I have found that more often than not the parent of that child gets the hint and steps up in managing their child.

As far as talking with your friend, that's very touchy. I've lost friends over conversations like that... The best I've managed to have with friends recently is to say, "Gee Susie was doing that last month too! I think it's a phase kids go through. How are you handling that???"

ask permission to put him in time out...........when your son sees you doing this he wont want to mimic it

No matter where you are, your son is being exposed to things that are imappropriate. Our neighbors sons are the exact same way, so we significantly limit the time they spend with those boys, but becasue we live across the street, we can't completely cut it out. Everytime our kids are outside, they just come over....and sometimes they even play in our yard, when we are inside eating dinner. Ugggg.

I have a friend whose friend had 3 kids who were out of control and she told her, "Look, I really like you and hanging out with you, but your kids are not good influences on my kids, so if you want to go to coffee, I'm great with that, but we are going to have to end the playdates." Interestingly enough, those unruly kids are now some of the most well-behaved children I see. That honest comment was probably the best thing that could have happened to those kids. Even her OB told her, "You need to get a babysitter when you come for your appointments." I guess after enough comments, she realized.

You don't have any control in how she takes it, but you do have control in the exposure to your child. We also use those kids to turn it into a lesson. When we are at a restauraunt, etc, and they see kids mis-behaving, they all stare for a minute and then look at me, "We don't act like that" because that is what we always say to them when we kids acting up. Reinforcement that it's not how we act in our lives.

You can't talk to her about it unless you don't want her to speak to you again. I would limit greatly the amount of time your son spends with hers...that is about the extent of your ability to change the situation.

Just had a similar situation with a friend with whom I could not end the relationship so had to come up with something. It turns out that this mom was at the end of her rope and was desperate for someone else to take the reigns a bit with her son. I like the suggestion of getting some one on one time with the challenging kiddo (sans mom) because as soon as mom asked me to put him in time out and left the room to compise herself he was as good as gold AND was much more respectful to me and my kids for the rest of the day. I think he knew I was not playing around and just because I was somewhat of an unknown discipline entity, he was a little worried about pushing me too far. The other thing that made the difference was that I HAVE been there with my kiddos and I had a ton of books which I loaned to her (with specific suggestions about what worked for us.) Titles which worked well for us: Parenting with Love and Logic, Any book on raising 'Spirited Kids', Good and Angry, and Beyond Time Out.
Good luck!
:-)
jen

If you are both that good friends, would it hurt to help her guide her son. If her son hits, would she have a problem if you said "Brad, it is not nice to hit"..Sometimes kids listen to others versus their parents. Gone are the days of neighborhood helping to raise a child.

Take a time off from the play dates.
Don't cut it off forever, just take a break.

I couldn't have said it better than Kristy A, below. And I would add, if you are willing to end the playdates over it, then I think you should have the decency to say something about it first, which may bring you all to a solution. Kids are just little people with their own little uncivilized predisposition. She may have a harder time tuning in to how to control her son than you do yours and a healthy objective point of view may be just what they need to get on top of raising a better boy. :)
Aaaaand if you offend her, good riddance to bad rubbish, as my grandma used to say.

I haven't read all the responses.. but I thought the same thing with my son for awhile. b/c of where we live there are alot of older boys and i was worried my son would pick up on their behavior.. but my like my aunt basically told me.. If your son started acting out in school would you blame in on 'other' kids.. your son is going to pick up habits left and right all thru school and even just at playtime, or tv.. etc.. it's how you raise him that counts. as long as your son knows that that behavior is not tolerated in your home.. then you should be fine.. You may have to be a lil' more strict or up his butt, but i wouldn't necessarily end a playdate on terms that her son is a 'brat'. I have a friend who's son is 2 years older than mine.. he cries w/ everything.. not to say my son is not in the wrong sometimes but she, in my opinion, babies him while i'm more of a natzi mom w/ my kids.. but hey you do what you feel is right in your heart.. but you can't keep your son in a bubble the rest of is life.. he's got to live and learn. .good luck :)

I wouldn't bring it up yet, BUT I would limit your son's exposure to hers as much as possible. When she suggests a playdate, offer to meet her for coffee/dinner/shopping, etc, something without the kids instead. Just tell her that's what you would really prefer right now, is just hanging out with her and not with both your kids. Maybe that will just break the habit of getting the boys together. And that may be enough of a hint, as she probably already realizes her son's behavior isn't winning any relationship points. If she persists, you may have to be gentle, but honest with her. Because her son's behavior is so aggressive right now, your son and hers are not the best match for playdates.

I'm guessing your son is the younger. He may just have a feisty personality and it doesn't much have to do with parenting style. I think parents of the younger children tend to put to much blame on the parent when they see behaviors they don't like. I'm guessing in a year you'll be dealing with some of the same things. However, if it really is a parenting thing, the best way to ruin the friendship and end the play dates would be to offer her your unsolicited advice about what a poor job she's doing.

i have a couple of friends that have sons who are brats..my son and i talk about their behavior after the playdates..i also have a friend that has a daughter that has screaming tantrums a lot..my son and i hug things out..he gets a lot of affection..even when he's bad..yep..i say.."calm down..and lets hug this out" then we discuss..it has taught him to be more gentle..and he's not a wuss..my one friend's son was hitting my son all day..finally my son pushed him away and said "knock it off" and then my friend proceeded to whine that my son pushed her child! i was like..'your son has been hitting him ALL DAY!" her son still hits and is timed out ALL the time..my son not hitting and we hug it out..i never time out unless its beyond the hug..
i think you can still have the kids hang but its awful to see another child acting up..tell your friend to try the hug it out thing..sounds weird but time outs are not working for her..maybe her son is seeking attention..
maybe with a little love instead of being sent to sit alone would do him some good :)

xo

good luck

This is not easy, but if you see an opportunity to say something directly to the child, you should. Like, "We don't hit, we use our words." Or correct him, remind him to use please and thank you. Model for the mom, because she must be having a problem with this and maybe she doesn't know what to do. You might give her some ideas, and who cares if she feels bad, she needs to wake up and take a hard look at how her boy is acting. If she doesn't like it, she'll end the play dates. We're so worried all the time about what people are going to think if we say something to some's kid. I think this is unique to our country, because in other places, if a child misbehaves, people say something and it's not a big deal. Let's just help eachother! It takes a village, as they say.

Your house, your rules. If she can't agree, she needs to leave. I was just talking about a similar situation with my hubby. My daughter keeps trying to bring home bad habits from the babysitter. We consistantly discipline her, and she knows the rules in our house, so she doesn't get away with it. She still tries, but we do not put up with it...
Good luck
R.

You have two choices, end the playdates or use the situations to teach your son what not to do. He is old enough to understand bad behavior so when the other child is doing something innapropriate quietly remove your child from the situation and go outside or to the bathroom and quietly talk to him about good behavior and how proud you are of his good behavior and what good behavior for that situation would be. Also ask your son, does he want to keep playing with this boy? Maybe he doesn't like it either. If he says no then there is your answer. You can politely turn down invitations and eventually she will get the hint or maybe she'll hear you in the bathroom explaining good behavior to your son and take a hint or call off the playdates her self.