My Extended Family Is Backwards!

My grandmother loved my older brother with all her heart and she hated me since the day I was born. She went so far as to tell me she was his grandma and not mine and I was only born b/c my parents could not afford servants. She spoiled him and hated it when my brother and I got along. She would take things from me to gift to him and when gift giving time came along she'd have bags and bags of high priced fun stuff for him and say to me, "Sorry, I couldn't find anything you'd like." Did I metion she lived with us and took care of us while my mom was in grad school and working?

You know what? I came out OK. My brother has a hard time holding a job... all that stuff that goes along with being spoiled. I have children now and I can't imagine how a person could be as rotten as she was to me. That made me reflect seriously on what HER life must have been like if she was capable of causing a child such pain. I imagine what someone would have to do to my wonderful loving daughter to make her turn into a monster like that. And when I imagine that I can only have sympathy for her, and compassion. I forgive her. I was hurt and angry for a long time but now I realize that I am no worse off for it. I know I was loved by other people and deep down, probably by her.

Your kids will be fine. The others probably won't and that is too bad. Your kids know you are on their side and that's all that matters. Everything else just makes them stronger.

It is in every family. Don't worry. You are not alone. My son and my nephew are 18 months apart. Everyone in my husband's family just ewws and ahhs over my nephew, who is an animal if you ask me. He has no manners, picks fights, walks around with boogers dripping out of his nostrils, eats like a gorilla, makes terrible grades in school, is a tattle tale, every single one of his teachers since pre-k could hardly wait to get him out of their class (he and my son go to the same school) he is completly disrespectful to my mother and father in law...oh, the list goes on and on.....however, I do love him and when I am around him I try my best to show him how to be a decent human being. I feel bad for him because, sometimes, I feel like I am the only one that cares enough about him to not ruin him.
Anyway, I try my hardest not to show favoritism when I am around.
Funny thing is...he can't get enough of me. He is really crazy about me because I think he really craves structure.
Last week he drew a picture of me...it was the cutest thing....me with a little baby in my stomach ( I am 7 months pregnant) with my hair flipped out and 3 long eyelashes on both eyes. On the bottom he wrote "To Sera, the best ante in the world." Needless to say it melted my heart.

I understand, for i have been one of the "good" kids that never got any attention. Now that i am 27 years old this is what i see. My bother and one of my cousins were the worst kids always in trouble, bad in school, did drugs, got kicked out of school, couldn't take care of themselves and so on... anyway my aunt's and mom were always doing stuff for them, my aunt would come pick my brother up and take him shopping all the while i am sitting at home, i once asked "do i need to rob a store or something to get some attention", anyway like i said now that i am older the way they see it is that i was "better off", i didn't need as much attention because i was a good kid, i did great in school (first one to go to college), i had tons of friends, was active in school, worked part time while in school, went through EMT school while a senior in highschool, and because everything "seemed" to be easy for me no one noticed what they were doing. So, if i were you i would just leave it alone, those kids will have a much harder time in life and probably need the attention right now, your girls will do very well in life and all they need is you and your husband's attention. The girls may be a little jealous right now but they will grow out of it. I have and i have a wonderful husband, a one year old son and my brother and cousin who are both 2-3 years older than me are still having issues in their life, although they are much better, they took much longer to "grow up".

Good luck!

We have similar issues in our family as well. I have found it to be (well and my MIL told me) that since we are the "good" parents (you know responsible, make our children behave) that they don't worry about us and I know that creates a "soft spot" for the other children whose parents aren't really being the parent. That is the answer to "why". The family isn't doing anything to help build the character of the other children, but you are doing that for your children.

I can completely relate with you and I have been there before. It is difficult. I can tell that you are a very intelligent woman and a wonderful mother. I know that you do not mean to be petty or offensive and you truly are doing all the right things. It's just hard when the kids start noticing and getting their feelings hurt. After so long it's hard to keep in. Like someone said below- don't be so quick to rush over or call to chit chat. You don't have to be rude but they need you more than you need them. Find a way to keep busy doing other things so that your kids don't notice much and have more opportunities to have their feelings hurt. I let my children know this... the others can act however they choose...but they(my kids) are smart, and smart enough to know the truth and how to behave and I am so proud of them for that. Soon enough, no one will want to be their friends. We still love them and will treat them the way they deserve to be just like us. But...we will not take part in the ignorant behavior and we can do our best to love them and hope they choose someday to see what wonderful people we know they can be. It's too bad the ones we love can make things so difficult sometimes but your childrn will undoubtedly have a huge advantage in life and may also learn some wonderful lessons about how to treat others. Keep moving forward- you are a wonderful person and mother!

It's that way in our family too. My MIL played favorites between her two sons, so it naturally extends to the grandchildren. However, it is so bad, that my kids don't even realize she is a grandma, and we don't even have a "grandma" name for her...we all just call her by her first name. Or sometimes the kids will say she is just Daddy's mother. I don't care that she likes the other kids more than mine, but it will not be tolerated for her to play favorites between my children. For example, one daughter has been invited to spend the night, but not the other that is very close in age...so nobody stays the night. We limit the times we are around them, and in fact, we were discussing skipping Thanksgiving and Christmas with them this year, and just go for New Year's when there is no gifts being given.

Interesting but I notice this as well with my in laws. It seems that in laws(usually MIL) of certain families tend to favor their daughters' children over the sons'. I suppose it stems from feeling they have more say so with their daughter's children. The wives of sons are usually seen as "outsiders" by the mom and sisters of the son. I am always suspicious that my MIL and her daughters(my husband's sisters) gossip amongst themselves about me and my parenting. I'm the oldest of 4 and the only one on my side of the family with children as the others are too young but I cannot imagine my parent's treating my brother's children any different than my own. But as you said, the extended family you speak is "backwards" and perhaps they are jealous of you or who knows. They obviously don't have manners. Just be confident that you are raising wonderful children and they have you,your side of the family family, and their friends. At the very least, they have an example of what NOT to be. :)

Okay well do the children live with the Grandparents? It sounds like it and as if the grandparents are the "real" parents. I'm not saying it's right but if they live together as family unit I would see how they are the more favorable to thier children. It happens in every family It's wrong but you can't do much about it or it will tear you down and make you questioned yourself. You are a good Mother and you shouldn't be put in that position but it's life. I would just not go over there. Only go when they invite you. Don't call them and make it seem like you'll are doing fine and dandy. Let your children know that they are loved and try not to let it bother you. I know what you mean about people rewarding bad behavior. My cousin buys her kids i-pods, Zunes and just some unneeded stuff that is high price yets she ask my mom for 30 dollars to send her DD to a dance thing. I'm like don't buy her those things and maybe you can afford dance. But my Mom gives them stuff and money and they are soo ungrateful. Example We went to Sea Wrold and My mom bought them [6] season passes and they didn't say thank you. on the other hand my oldest cousin was mad b/c she wanted Six Flag passes... So you see it's in every family...
It's great that you are homeschooling. I wish I has the patient with my little ones.
Like I said it always works out that way no real answer... sorry.
Good Luck

My question is WHY are you allowing your kids to be treated like this.
I understand that you have vested allot of time and nuturing into raising your kids to be well adjusted young ones, and I applaud you for this.
On the other hand, I strongly believe that we parents(some people will disagree with this because of the wording, just think about it.
To me the job of parents is to manipulate a childs character into a positive, productive, mature INDIVIDUAL.)
As I try to compose the elements of character in my kids, I will always teach them that they do not have to ever except bad, demeaning, hurtful treatment. I'm not saying be all out tacky with standing up for themselves, but there are ways to protect ourselves from becoming a posterkids for doormats-r-us.
What I'm trying to say is there is going to be times as your kids get older nonrelatives are going to pick on your kids, how do you want them to respond. If you can't resolve this keep your kids away from these people for a while, when asked why are you not visiting then maybe tactfully approach the situation.