My Daughter Won't Listen

I read a great comment in a parenting book; it was that when the author got a Great Dane puppy, the breeder advised them to never allow the puppy to do anything they didn't want a 120-lb. full grown Great Dane to do. If a puppy can be trained to stay off the couch, a 5 year old can learn that Mom won't put up with disrespect anymore! You go mom!!!

Write the behaviors you expect on a dry erase board along with the days of the week and a reward section(storytime,tv, computer, whatever she likes)Explan that if she does what is expected she gets a smiley on the chart and can pick a reward.If you see an inappropriate behavior give a warning of a frowny with no reward, if she does it again give the frowny with no rewards for the evening.

You have to be firm, give it two weeks youll see amazing results

M. B.
Proud mom

I feel like I would be a bad mom if I didn't put my "2 cents in". IN MY OPINION, please don't believe that this is "just a phase" she is going through because she is five. According to one mom your daughter knows "how to get one over on you" is sooo right! Your daughter is only going to get away with a sassy mouth, bad attitude, not listening and general misbehavior because YOU LET HER! Do you think her teacher would allow her to act that way in the classroom and disrupt? Of course not! AND SHE KNOWS IT! Please put your foot down NOW! My sister and Broinlaw have not done that with my neice who is now six and she is very sassy! She is NOT A BAD CHILD, just sassy. Doesn't listen, talks a LOT. But she would NEVER dream of acting like that with me or my husband because she knows we mean business. We don't tell her five times to stop doing something or else.... We tell her, give her a warning and if she does it again, BOOM she's punished. Cries of "I'll stop, now!" don't work because she was warned. I have to admit, it is VERY HARD to do at first. But you'll see you'll both be happier. BE CONSISTENT with your threat. If you say, Clean up your room or there will be no tv for the rest of the night and she doesn't do it, remind her that you asked her to clean up her room and that this is her ONLY warning. If she still doesn't clean up her room in the time allotted, the tv gets turned off for the rest of the evening for her. She doesn't get to say, okay okay I'm doing it now. You asked her to do it before. So, while she's NOT watching tv she can still clean her room! Make sure whatever punishment you choose though it is appropriate to the misbehavior and to her age. She will be shocked that for once you set a boundary for her and you meant it! In a short period of time you'll see she doesn't like to upset mommy and be punished. If you need "Brava's! or That-a-girls!" you come back to this website and we will cheer you on! What can you possibly lose to try and be consistent with her and NOT let her get away with being sassy anymore? Don't be afraid to set her straight in public either. I don't mean scold or belittle her in front of everybody but don't let her think that just because you're at grandma's house or uncle Joe and aunt Suzy's house that she can misbehave towards you. Take her away from the situation and explain to her that if she doesn't straighten up there will be punishment involved. (Can't go to her friend's house next weekend, or no t.v. that night or take away her favorite doll/toy). She needs to know that you are the adult and YOU are in charge. She is five and your child. Also, don't let other family members "bail her out" either! If you're trying to discipline her don't let them say, "But oh, she's only five!" YOU are the one who gets to go home with her, EVERY NIGHT. You're the boss at home AND away from home! Grandma can spoil her until she decides to misbehave. Then you do what you have to do. Having them bail her out will only reinforce the fact that she has them wrapped around her little finger and that she can just run to them whenever she's in trouble with you. I hope you can stand up to those who will try and step in and save her! A simple "Thanks, mom - Uncle Joe - Aunt Suzy for reminding me how old she is, however that's not how she is supposed to speak to me/someone else." Your daughter sounds VERY smart who while she loves her momma, knows that she CAN get away with whatever she wants. Don't believe for one second that the "she's only five" routine doesn't work for her. She knows what she is capable of and she knows what you're willing to do and what you HAVEN'T done so far. Change it now, please! I wish you much luck and I know that you can do this!!! If your daughter is that smart, SO ARE YOU!!! Remember who is in charge. YOU! Let us know how things are going in the future please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J.

Hi, I think most kids are best, when there parents arent around, Not your falt just the way they are. My mother used to say mine were GREAT when I wasnt around, You must be doing something right if they are good away from home, Keep up the good work. L.

I wish I had asked this same question 10 years ago. I had the same problem with my son. Today, we are in family therapy (more for me than him) because I never learned how to be consistent. I too was a single mom, working and going to school. I valued the time we spent together and didn't want to be constantly disciplining my children. I would ground them for a day or week depending on the child and the offense (1 was 5 and the other 13). Inevitably, I would always give in. My oldest is now 23 and we made it though his teen years without incident. But my youngest, who is 15, never learned true consequences, so we are having a LOT of problems now. Thank goodness, the problems are not with drugs, alcohol, fighting or breaking the law in anyway. But he's failing in school... just because he doesn't want to do it. He is extremely disrespectful to me, but to others polite, gentle and really kind. If you watch Dr. Phil at all, I'm sure you've seen recently, that children only do what they're allowed to do. When the consequences are consistent and fit the behavior, children behave accordingly (both good & bad). If your child does well, use consistent praise & rewards, but if your child misbehaves, then again you must use consistent punishment. Your child will eventually (and it doesn't take too long with the little ones) learn his/her boundaries. Good luck to you.

L.
Single mom of 2 boys; ages 15 (still at home), and 23 (married and in the Navy)

R.,
My advice is to feel secure in the fact that your daughter knows how to behave in public. She feels safe and comfortable at home with her Mom so she "let's her hair down" so to speak. But if she doesn't do that when it is not appropriate then you are fortunate. Many children behave badly in school, at Grandma's, at their friends houses and are good as gold at home. Which would you prefer? I know which one I wanted when my kids were little!
K. Ianacone, RN, MA, MSN, CCE, IBCLC

WOW! I get the opposite with my daughter. When I am not around she acts like a out of control child but when my name is brought up she straightens up! She listens to me but not to anyone else.....gee....well from your side. Hmmm, do you follow thru on your dicipline? If you don't then maybe she doesn't believe you most of the time and knows how to over step her boundries. Good Luck.

L.

Hey, I've been a single mom all of my daughter's life. I know all kids are different but maybe this will help. I've always told my daughter about how "we're a team, we've got to stick together". So when she doesn't listen to me it messes everything up and things are just going to be really hard that way. Of course you still need to let her know that you are the mother, you gave her life, she needs to have respect for you above everyone else.

Hi R., do you set clear boundries for her and follow up with consequences? Try watching Super Nanny or Nanny 911. Some of the ideas on those two shows are great. Others, not so much but you can take from it what you need to in order to help your family. Good luck.

MOM IT IS TOTALLY UP TO U TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW OR YOU WILL HAVE MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU CAN HANDLE IN THE YEARS TO COME. MY MOM HAVE ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT IT STARTS FROM THE DAY OF BIRTH THIS IS WHEN YOU TAKE FULL CONTROL AND I HAVE DONE IT WITH MY BOYS, EACH AND EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM WILL RESPOND AS YES OR NO WITH SIR OR MADAM. I STARTED THIS FROM DAY ONE, I WOULD NEVER LET MY BABY FALL OUT BECAUSE HE/SHE COULDN'T HAVE THEIR OWN WAY I WOULD SIMPLY TELL THEM THAT YOU WILL NOT HAVE IT YOUR WAY. YOU MUST SET SOME RULES NOW OR YOU WILL BE IN FOR ALOT OF HORRIBLE MOMENT WITH HER-- RESPECT IS DUE TO ANYONE AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE! YOU ARE THE PARENT WILL SOON WONDER WHO HAS CONTROL OF YOU HOUSE!

Hello R.:

My name is T., a 53 y/o mother of 2 daughters and soon to be 5 grandchildren. I am sure you will hear this a million times that your child is a dream and you just know they are not talking about your child. However, think of this. Your daughter has heard your voice everyday of her life. Now she has new voices to listen to and is beginning to learn about learning, differences, school circulum, the whole world around her. She knows you are there, She counts on you being there every day! Her love for you is so deep, she doesn't have the need to show it, she knows it. Perhaps, try listening more. I know she seems only 5, but children of this age are very smart. My girls and now hearing the stories of my grandchildren send me into gales of laughter. This is nothing to worry about so long as you stay in touch with her. Ask about her day. Take a lead from her if she is talkative or pensive. Think about how you are when you come home from work. Sometimes we just need 30 minutes to chill.

Also, on that note of you being tired; are you sticking to your guns when you answer her or tell her do to something. Do you do things for her, just because you are too tired to argue. Don't argue. Just lay down the law. Do what I ask of you or there will be a penalty. Take away TV or Video. Get her attention, always remembering you are the mother. But she is a person also. You will work this out, I am sure. I was a single mom and these things seem overwhelming. She is growing. You try and take a few moments and just watch and if she wants you to participate in the miracle of a child growing. But children do want guidelines in which to live and help them set their own codes for their lives. Sounds like she is smart and independent! Did she get this from Mom? What could your parents have done ( as none of us are perfect) to have facilitated your growth, but kept you in line.

But mostly have fun with her. If not in 7 years you not be so prepared for her teenage years. And for a girl's teenage years you need your smarts, not yelling and stuff like mine did.

One thing my daughters taught me is they learned how to grow older by doing what I did. They remebered how I handled things. When they told me that I was horrified. I thought, weren't they watching as that decision didn't turn out so well, yet they are repeating it.

Best of Luck and much love to you both.

I am taking a class at Calvary Chapel in Melb called Effective Parenting in a Defective World by Chip Ingram. In one of the chapters it says that it is vitally important for a child to obey their parent the first time something is said to them. An analogy that was given to us was that a child was walking ahead of the parents and he was told to stop, the parents saw a car coming yet the child didn't and so of course he did not stop and was nearly hit by the car; same scenario, different outcome the child died, because he did not LISTEN and OBEY. You need to sit and look into her eyes(making sure she looks into yours) and tell your child that her life depends on her listening and obeying you the first time or she will have to suffer consequences (hopefully not suffering injuries or death). You will have to set these said consequences and adhere to them at all costs. She will learn that you mean business and will learn to respect you and the bounderies of the world.
Hope that this works for you, my kids are getting better about doing what their told. Of course it doesn't always happen in one day, but just stick to your guns.

I have a 4 yr and a 3. Both of my k ids are great when I'm not around.I think its just a phase they go through as long as you dont let them run all over you. They will grow out of it they are just testing their limits.

I had this same problem with my daughter when she was 5. I would ask everyone did she behave and they said the same thing she is the sweetest thing. I learned that she was exstremely smart and was working me. So I learn the technique of working her right back and now I even have to give my mom tips which I love. I found that my daughter was a people pleaser and that is why she is fine with everyone else. Disciplining her like sending her to her room or other forms of punishment did not work. When I would look at her and let her know that mom was disappointed in her actions and she knew better than to act that way you would have thought I just crushed her world. I thought this tactic was so not being a parent and showing good discipline but when I saw that it worked I was amazed. a big key with her is the fact if she gets embarred she shuts down so if we are out in public I have to take her to the bathroom and apply this. She is a very senstive kid and if she know that her actions her mommy then she changes really quick. She is great now and I don't have a bit of problems with her. Even when she doesn't want to do her homework I look at her and say that is fine but you have to tell you teacher that you decided not to do it and in she goes and does it. The other day she was writing her spelling words for homework and she wrote them so sloppy and I looked at her and said is that what you want to turn in and she said that the teacher did not mind so I explained to her that writting your spelling words also helped her write better but if she was happy with that work then I was fine. She went and redid it no agrument.

Hope this helps

How can I say this without sounding harsh? Usually when this is the case (she is totalyy different for everyone but you) it means only one thing...She knows she can get one over on you. Your daughter knows you better than anyone does and she will take advantage of your weaknesses, its only natural for kids to do this. You HAVE to put your foot down and stand your ground when punishing her or teaching her something. In time she will learn the new you and realize that no amount of fits or yelling or crying is going to get her her way.

there are many options here that you coudl do that wouldbe beneficial. it is rather normal for the childs age. i would suggest getting the book easy to love difficult to discipline by becky baily. its wonderful with ideas for this age. there are also classes called concious discipline classes. they have them in the palm beach area . if you are not in that area you can see if there are some in your area too.

thats my best suggestion. that book will be very helpful for you AND the child :)
sincerly,
R. Kraft CLD (CAPPA) CD (DONA) FCCE HBCE
mother of Emma & Jacob
Doula ,Photographer & Childbirth educator
http://www.Palmbeachdoula.com
click here for slideshow and turn up volume
http://www.palmbeachdoula.com/slide/whw.htm

Hi have you tried when she is being good you are praising her. Are you giving her other ways of behaving. WHen did you and the father seperated did the behavior start then. maybe counsoling could be used

It sounds like she is trying to get your attention. Are you occasionally giving your full attention to her while at home or are you on the computer and working on other things? Give her at least 20 to 30 minutes of your undivided attention each day and then help her find other things to work on while you getting things done. Have her help you in the kitchen while cooking dinner, get her involved in cleaning up the house. My daughter is four and she loves doing these things.

I can give more advice but I don't know what your approach is to discipline. I use Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline. She is a local expert who's method has been used in several local schools. She has a book called "Easy to Love, Hard to Discipline" that you can get on her website or Amazon. Check out her website at www.beckybailey.com

Hi R., You have to stay firm with your daughter. My kids are much older now, but i remember at that age it was difficult. I was a single mom raising 2 kids and it was hard. Kids are always better for others than their own parent. Do not let her get you to change yoru mind. If you say no,, Mean no and if she has a tantrum or says she hates you, oh well. She will appreiate you being tough on her later on

Keep repeating the 5 yr old parent mantra "this is just a phase...this is just a phase..." 5yr olds are learning independance & think they know everything (Kindergarten makes it 10X worse) but in the long run, they mellow out. Keep being fair (not harping on every little thing she does) and consistant (no means no-the first time).

First of all, she probably doesnt hear you the first couple times-she is used to you repeating yourself and knows she has a few chances before getting in trouble. The way I regained my authority was to make my 5yr old realize how often I was having to tell her to do things. I would tell her something, give ONE warning, then I would charge her 25 cents every warning thereafter ($ was a new & important concept to her so it worked). Then I focused on the problem ie - paying attention to the TV over me - no TV for the remainder of the day. Trick is ONE warning & then follow through with removing priviliage or giving punishment. I also ask my daughter how her teacher would react to being ignored. I make her take time to think about how her actions make me feel (& how that makes her feel).

Hi R.,

I have received many wonderful suggestions from a group of mothers from this web site. I have 3 children and my second daughter is exactly the same way. If you can find my posting, please read all the advice...I'm going to print them out and try them...one at a time until I get control of my daughter. I wish you tons of luck...I'm exactly in the same place that you are.

You have to show her that you mean business by disciplining her when she doesn't listen. I know sometimes with my kids I have to stop them, look directly in their eyes, explain what I want than ask them to repeat it. Ok, now they know. If they disobey, discipline them and be consistant in your discipline. Most days they listen but if I waver they know it and try to see what they can get away with. The hardest but most important thing is consistancy. There must be a consequence for their actions every time so they will not want to do it again.