My Daughter Says "Why Is Daddy the Leader?"

I think you handled it great. When you revisit it, I would again focus on the fact that you guys love each other and are very good friends and that you "share".

I only have boys, but I can relate to wanting to teach your kids that relationships are two-way streets and each individual brings their own strengths and has their own roles; neither one better or stronger or more in charge of things.

One thing that my husband suggested when I was worried about how my oldest was viewing me (I didn't want him to see me as "weak" or any of the other negative impressions that kids sometimes have of their moms)....he suggested that we start letting my oldest son see some of our disagreements. That way my son gets an opportunity to see what happens when my husband and I have conflicting opinions about things and how we resolve it. He also gets to see me standing up for myself and disagreeing with my husband.

Of course we don't let him see all of our disagreements, but I think it gives him an idea that there is more to mom (and her relationship with dad) than meets the eye.

You handled it great! I just wanted to add that maybe you should have your husband explain as well that he is not the "leader" persay but that it is teamwork. I think she will feel more comfortable with it hearing it from the both of you. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page when answering this question because if he tells her something else, she will get confused. Also, let her know that everyone in their own way is a "leader". I love the honest questions of a child... keeps you on your toes!

You're Doing A Great Job Mama!

Heh, my 5 year old son says, "Mommy's the boss." Kids tend to see the more dominant personality as the ones in control - and in my marriage I am more aggressive then my husband. I can't really relate to giving in to my husband and the "you know wives" comments you made.. because that's not the dynamic of our marriage.

I think what you said is great - you guys are a team. Marriage is about balance and each person has different skills. You guys work together to accomplish everything. You might tell your daughter that there are many different kinds of marriages that work. Some husbands are stay at home Dads. Some women are more head of house. Some husbands are 'head of house'.. it's really about what works for them. People are different - so every marriage is a little different. There is no wrong way to have a marriage as long as both people are happy, and comfortable.

Good luck :)

I think you have gotten some good responses, some of which I totally agree with and some of which I totally DON'T. Different families, different roles, I guess.

The one thing that you might want to do is enlist your husband in this discussion. Does he see himself as "the leader?" If you want your daughter to know that she can do anything, I think that would be most powerful coming from your husband. Him telling her "I'm not the leader - mom and I are a team, and I hope someday you are part of a team too" would be really important. Of course, if your husband doesn't feel this way, if he thinks he is the leader, then that's why your daughter has that impression. And then its a conversation for you and your husband to have first.

Good luck. They always come up with the big questions way before we expect them, right?

Hello Susan.
I guess I would have asked her, "Why do you think dad is the leader?" "What does he do to control me?" Of course make it safe for her to just tell you her observations.

In our family it is pretty obvious we are pretty even in our family.
Sometimes my husband is the leader in a situation and other times, I could be considered the leader in situations.. Now that our daughter has proven her common sense and seriousness, we also turn to her.. She is an amazing young woman.

We have spoken as a family about our strengths and things we wish we were better at or are working on doing better at..
I am the financial, planning person. My husband is the participant, hard worker bee and our daughter is a look at the big picture.

We are all creative, but in very different ways. We are all considered very friendly but again in different ways.. I am loud and boisterous, my husband is kind and caring, our daughter is very caring but careful..

We all have a weakness for temper. My husband pouts and will not always speak his mind, I am a snapper, I snap and loose it and our daughter kind of just shuts down..

So when there is a disagreement, we have to each take a different role to get through the situation.

So maybe the thing to do is let your daughter know there are not leaders in your family, instead you all have a place that is just as important as the other, but in different ways. Let her know this is one of the secrets to good friendships, family dynamics and marriages.. Also let her know it changes all of the time and that is ok too..

Also let her know that she can be anything she wants. She is powerful, because she is a good person, who is very bright, and a hard worker. No body can really be her leader unless it is ok with her, but also it is ok to help others when they have taken on a leadership role.. This way they will do the same for her..

She sounds pretty amazing..

Wow -the responses saying the man IS the head of their household make me sad.

Anyway, I would ask her why she thinks Daddy is controlling you or the leader? Go from there. You have many other good responses hear about the two of you being a team, which means sometimes it will seem that Daddy is the leader, but sometimes it will seem that YOU are the leader. I would definitely make sure she understands that females do not, in ANY way need to "submit" to males, but that when two people are in a relationship there is a lot of "give and take" -not one person is always calling the shots. As far as protections goes, I know that my husband would do anything to protect me and our children, but I ALSO would do anything to protect us. I don't need him to be my protector -it's just nice to know he has my back -but it's also nice to know that I can have his and be respected by him and my boys for it.

I love your question & love the responses you got. Keep up the good work.

I think you handled it really well , explaining that there is compromise and give and take. It might help a bit if you sit down as a family and show how it works. Maybe even the next time there is a compromise, especially where she is concerned, you explain it directly to her so she can actually see it working. It is really something when our little ones get philosophical on us and ask those big questions.

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I think you should say, "Daddy is not the leader. He and I are partners. Sometimes we do things his way, and sometimes we do things my way." It's a good teachable moment for picking one's battles!

I will say that is says something good about the way you are raising her that she sees her parents as the leaders and recognizes that that is not her role as a child. We see a little too much of kids running families these days, so kudos to you and your husband for being leaders in your family! :p

When they're young, usually the answers need only be simple. I've had my children ask why daddy is the "boss." I said "He is the leader in our home and I help him lead..."

Wonderful question, thoughtful responses.

I would probably let my daughter lead with whatever addition observations or questions she had, but next time the subject comes up, you might ask her if she notices that everybody has different personalities and "styles."

When it happens in a relationship that one partner is very good at making decisions, setting deadlines, and getting things to happen, (s)he tends to take that role, and it looks like (s)he's the leader. But that leadership doesn't happen without the agreement, support and full participation of the other partner.

The "following" partner maybe quite content to be the support person, because his/her aptitudes may lie in quite another area, like seeing the big picture or the value of a strong relationship, even a skill like doing a better job of listening, exercising restraint, or showing tenderness. So he/she may be the "leader" in the area of interpersonal relationship, while the other is the practical, rubber-hits-the-road partner.

Your daughter will probably be able to observe a very general gender difference (with MANY exceptions in both directions): males tend toward the practical decision-making; females tend toward the supportive, cooperative role. Both are wonderful and essential. In fact, couples choose each other, consciously or not, partly because their combined aptitudes and skills help round each other out. A marriage is like a bird with two wings, and it won't fly straight unless both partners equal contributions that balance the whole.

Daddy isn't controlling me, he is taking care of me.

I have addressed this with my son who has been curious about "who's in charge" around here...

Easy pecking order here....God, Daddy, Mommy, him...then the dog.

It doesn't mean that Daddy is MORE IMPORTANT than us, he's just the leader, but he answers to God and God's "rules", and Dad loves us, so those are the things he keeps in mind when making decisions for the family....and so on......

You can explain that "God designed it that way". Every human has a body part, and one of those have to be the head. Daddy just happen to hold that "position" based on his makeup physically. His role is to plan for the rest of his family, provide and protect them. Then every body also has a neck. Mommy just happen to hold that "position" based on her makeup emotionally. Her role is to prepare, nurture, and counsel her family. The limbs, which is the rest of the body is her and her siblings if she has any. They go where mommy and daddy go based on their guidance, experience and discipline. Together they are a team. One body part is not better than the other, they simply have to play the role that suits them best. In light of the situation, the head can do and turn wherever it wants, right, but it's the neck that keeps it grounded.