My Daughter Calls Grandma "Mom" and Gave Me a Pet Name

This would not really be such a big deal with you if your child responded to and listened to you, would it? It's about power: Your mom has had the authority over your child and now you want it back. But you cannot just seize it after being away for what amounts to all the time your child can remember.

Please give your child time. She is VERY young still -- you do realize that, don't you? And you do realize that kids go through many stages of calling people and things many different names, and those stages change?

You also hae been away for eight months. To a child of less than two years old, eight months feels like her entire lifetime. She very likely cannot even remember anything that happened eight months ago -- so frankly, to her, you are a nice and very loving person who is in her life but not the person who has fed her, put her to bed, disciplined her, done fun things with her, made her do stuff she didn't really want to do -- in other words, parented her -- for all the time she can remember. Yes, you are her parent; please don't get wound up that I'm saying you're not. But young kids only know what they experience. Telling her a thousand times "I'm mommy" is not going to make you mommy to her. That takes time and your constant presence. You're back now and that's great, but if you focus on names and on your own hurt feelings -- you are going to blow this by making your mom angry and confusing your child.

Of course this hurts you and makes you sad, but you need to step back from your emotions here and put her first. I'm going to say that again: You need to put your own feelings on hold here and think like your young child is thinking -- you cannot shame her or blame her or scold her or she is going to run for comfort to....your mother.

Your child is NOT being intentionally disrespectful but is only acting on what her very young mind understands: "mommy" is the one who has been there daily and "boo boo" is this sweet lady who gives her a lot of attention just now. And please think about this: She hears YOU refer to your mother as "mom" so she is following suit since to her that is your mom's name.

Get your mom on board first and foremost. Talk to her with your child nowhere nearby and explain gently -- not defensively or angrily -- that you're hurt; and that you also realize that this is no one's fault, just a fact that comes about because you had to be away. Ask her for her help: "Mom, it is important to me to have Kid call me mom or something close to it. When she calls me 'boo boo' I'm not crazy about it but I do get that it's hard for her. I'm just asking you here not to encourage 'boo boo' but when she says it, to tell her, that's your mommy. If she calls you mommy too for a while that's OK but for now, please help me out by downplaying 'boo boo' and not raising it in front of family or encouraging it with Kid."

Then you DO have to be OK for a while with hearing your child call her mommy. If you hate being Boo Boo, then tell your daughter to call you Mama and leave mommy for her to call grandma - your child will get the difference. When she says Boo Boo, smile (don't scold) and gently say every single time, "Who's this Boo Boo? Only Mama here," and so on.

Again, please realize that this is not actually about the names; it is about both you and your child readjusting to each other after so long apart. Even if you visited her a lot while a school -- that's not the same to her as living in the household. You and she both have to adjust. If you can move out with her and not live with your mom eventually that will help her to adjust to you as mom, but also do not jerk her suddenly out of the home where she has done nearly half her life's growing. I'd read up on child development for her age and ensure that you do not ever let emotions or conflicts with your mom get in the way of your kid's needs. This is not, repeat not, an issue for discipline, and it is not an issue of respect for you from your child - though it will be an issue of your mom's respect for you if your mom cannot stop making it a family joke.

So am I understanding you right that you were gone for 8 months and your mother cared for your baby full time, and you did not see her at all? Did you guys Skype or anything? I think that this is all about the grown ups, so I think your mother is the one to talk it out with. Tell you mom your feelings and ask you mom to refer to herself as grandma and you refer to yourself as mommy. Like saying things to her like 'oh, mommy loves you' etc, and your mom does this saying grandma. It may take time, but she will sort it out. But your mom cannot keep reinforcing the current behavior or I think she will stay confused. Try to be super relaxed about though, I mean you have been gone and these things take time, it isn't about respect, she is very little and this is confusing. Hang in there!

Labels don't matter. Obviously her grandma has been taking more of a maternal role than you, so she is calling her "mommy."

Start acting like her mommy, and she will call you mommy in time. But if you need the help from grandma, then don't worry what your daughter calls you. It's more important that you get the help. Don't make your daughter uncomfortable, because you (I assume) had a baby too young and therefore need others to take on the mother role. This is where you suck it up.

In time, you will be mommy. Earn it.

HI, D.:

When you left your daughter with your mother, your daughter was
16 months old.

What was she suppose to do about bonding with you?

You left. You put your education ahead of your daughter's bonding needs.
This is your consequence.

You can never take away the bonding that your daughter has with your mother.

Rightly, you need to understand that it is good for your daughter to bond. Attachment disorder is a terrible thing.

She is not disrespecting you. You disrespected her needs to have a mother during her formative years.

If you don't like the name boo boo, have her call you dee dee.

In time the wound will heal. Learn a lesson for not only your child but other children that are born to mothers who disregard the needs of their infants.

Good luck.
D.

Well did your daughter live with just her grandmother while you were at school if so thats why. We live with my daughters paternal grandparents n her grandmother is grandma some times she slips up n calls her mom but not often. There for a while she was just calling her mom but I corrected her n told her dad n grandparents that they need to correct her that her grandma is not mom. Her granddad is popop

Hello

Do not worry. I am sure she will soon call you Mommy. My son for some reason decided to call me "Ki Ki" when he was that age. I have no clue why. I had the same concern you had. He would not call me mommy. Once he started preschool, with all the other kids calling their mom, mommy. He soon followed suit. It is said to say but now I miss being called "Ki Ki".

Tell you mother to start correcting your daughter as well, when she calls her mom: "No honey, I'm grandma, not mommy"

Part of the problem is that your daughter hears you calling your mom "mom" so she thinks that's who she is "mom." I doubt she attaches the significance to the name like you do. If she had heard you calling her "Lila" she would call her that too.

Your daughter was apparently with your mom during those 8 months - and those 8 months are very significant in terms of learning behaviors. She looks at your mom as the matriarch of the family - the one in charge. She doesn't see you that way because you've been gone.

I think you should just correct her when she calls grandma mom. Don't get upset over it - that won't accomplish anything. Consistent correction plus your presence in the home and taking the lead in caring for her should correct this before too long.

oh, my, the Grandmother could easily put a stop to this but it sounds like she is liking it. You'll need to have a talk with your MIL and then she will need to correct your daughter every time she calls her Mommy or Mom. While your daughter may be the one 'doing' this it, to me, it is the Grandmother's actions that have allowed it to solidify. It should have made her uncomfortable to be called Mommy by her grandchild in my opinion.