My sister has obsessive compulsive charactertics, phobias, extremely frugal. Has never been to a doctor(except for pregancies many years ago), and won't go...for this is one of her phobias. She babysits her 3yo grandson, and is stuck at home all day with him(no car). He is what my sister describes as "off the chain". He is totally unruly and no one takes him in public. I receive nearly 8 to 10 calls from her a day. I try being a good sister and talk to her about all her family issues with grandson, husband and her children.
Now what I am getting ready to type now...has been going on along time. She is what I have titled a "phone stalker". She has to know where I am, what stores I went to, if I have plans to go out that night, if my son-in-law has duty, when and where is everyone in my immediate family. About two weeks ago, she started being sarcastic during our conversations. She watched a B movie called Centipede on NetFlix. She wanted me to watch it so bad. She kept calling and calling....I hardly ever watch tv. That evening she called again. "Are you gonna watch it tonight"? I said my son and girlfriend are coming. She said "Oh that's right she doesn't like scarey movies". I could tell she was ticked off. Then out of the blue, same night, calls and asks if the girlfriend had moved into my house....cause she seems to run things.
She went to a school function at my grandson school. They had set up a huge table of last and found items. She told me that she had already went thru alot of the clothes before I got there and had sat aside a pile for her to pick up on the way out. I said...no way are you taking those clothes...she didn't.
If I don't answer the phone, next time she as accuses me of going out with friends and not letting her know where I'm going. "OH...what is it this time? Left your phone at home, battrey dead, vibrater on...didn't hear it?".
When my son went to New Orleans last week....she got so mad cause I didn't tell her who was picking him up from the airport, LIKE WHO CARES who picks him up. At that very point I decided that all this has to come to a halt. It was driving me crazy, no joke. I stopped telling her my business and our conversations on my side became almost quiet on my part except answering her and listening.
There is no such thing as visiting her, I have tried before, but with the grandson there...it is all focused on keeping his every want and need fulfilled...he dominates everything down to where she sits in the house. I am not going there anymore.
Part of her obsessive disorder....my son brought Mardi Gras beads back with him from New Orleans. She wanted some to send her grandkids in Neveda...my son said...of course. OMG the phone stated ringing as soon as he got in the door from the airport. He was trying to tell me about the family reunion he went to. The phone didn't stop ringing. Finally I called her and said what up. She said "I am taking a taxi to my sons house and borrowing his car and then I'll be down to pick up my beads...I want to get them mailed today before the post office closes."
These are some examples of what I put up with on a daily basis. Our last phone call was soooo sarcastic...it got rather heated...she and I both agreed that we would mine our own business. That was yesterday morning, she hasn't called since. I must say that I have felt so relieved since them...I feel like a Freebird. Question: Should I just leave it like it is? I in no way want to start all this stress again. Thank you for reading. P.S. I don't know how many times that she has asked me if I have mailed my Valentines package to her family in Nevada...she mailed her mid January...she just can't stand to have anything pending to do.
It sounds like she is living vicariously through you. When my sister was a SAHM she did similar things..maybe not as bad but she would call me all the time and just find out what I was doing. It got pretty annoying. Once she went back to work and got a life it stopped.
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
they are your friend.
boundaries are not limiting. they are freeing.
get them. learn them. love them.
khairete
S.
Don't call her. She will start it all up again anyway - YOU are the one who has to put the brakes on all this. She has nothing in her life except trying to control her sister, since she can control nothing else. Don't be a doormat.
When she does call, promise nothing. Tell her nothing. If you feel like you can't hang up, just say "uh-huh" ever so often, and even hold the phone away from your ear over and over when she is driving you batty. If you don't, then you are asking for her to continue this stuff.
She is your sister. When she asks why you don't tell her stuff, be honest. Don't stand on ceremony. Tell her she drives you nuts and you aren't going to live like this anymore.
Really and truly,
Dawn
Stop catering to her. Put your phone on silent, stop picking up... only talk when it is convenient for you to talk, don't give her details on your or your family's private life. If she harasses you and makes accusations because she is mad you avoided her phone call, then tell her to leave you alone about it and hang up the phone. Lay down those boundaries right this minute!! About the Mardi Gras beads fiasco, don't make promises in the future about sending her stuff or doing special favors for her, you can tell her she can buy her own Mardi Gras beads at Walmart/Party City.... Mail her a copy of Dr. Sears Discipline Book for help with her grandson, it may even help with her behavior in some small way. Tell her that it sounds like she could benefit from speaking to a therapist on an ongoing basis.
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...
Your sister sounds miserable, like she's dealing with a lot of anxiety. If she's not being treated or in therapy then she's not ever going to improve and your relationship with her won't improve. I'm a big proponent of "changing your own behavior can help change other people's responses to you" but I'm not so sure that would work with your sister.
I don't know how close you two actually are, but if the chance comes up maybe you could suggest that she talks to a therapist.
OMG. Its stories like this when I thank God I'm an only child. DO NOT CALL HER. She will start to call you again, and when she does, this is what you say..."remember when we both agreed to mind our own business and then we didn't speak for however long? Well, I have to say, it was REALLY nice and I would like for it to continue like that. I think we can agree that we don't need to speak daily and that maybe once or twice a week would be enough to keep in touch. Maybe you can call me once, and I can call you once." Then when you do talk to her, don't give her any details, keep it brief and if she starts up with drama, you end it. You do not have to put up with her mental issues, so stop doing it. Good luck.
It sounds like you need to set up boundries. I would call her when you have a good hour and say very nicely that you love talking to her. You love that she cares so much and worries about you. But guess what you are all grown up and got it under control. Not to worry about you. You understand this all comes out of love for you, and if she doesn't get the beads out or such it's ok. I know you still love me and I love you. Set a time to talk to her really talk to her and keep the commitment every day then every other and then every three. That way you both have quality time and you start taking her off the "drug" which is you. You need to be firm yet loving. This happens when we let little things slide without nipping them in the bud. I see it everywhere. To the point where my Mom hates the in laws so much because of things done in the past. I see it at work when I let something slide. It just becomes a snowball out of control.
I am so glad you are getting a break from your sister's calls so you can start to remember what a normal day should be like for you. I would prepare yourself for the next phone call. It sounds like she will start up again on the phone calls unless she has found another person to use as her drug (as Julie P. calls it). Look up agencies in her area where she can get help by googling "free help for OCD." When she calls, see if she can keep the conversation to a normal 15-20 min. and not be so needy or attacking. Be prepared for it to go back to the way it was. As soon as she starts being sarcastic or negative in ANY way, tell her you have to go. Hang up. Do not engage or in any conversation after she starts up. You cannot reason with irrational person. If she calls back, then give her the numbers for help. If the phone calls increase, tell her that you were able to accomplish so much without all of her phone calls that you cannot be there for her to be her punching bag or whatever it feels like to you. Each time she starts in, just remind her that you cannot help her but there is help available.
You have a family that you must attend to. They are your priority. Do not feel guilty that you are not sick. Do not feel like you owe her because she is sick. You only owe her direction to get the help that you cannot give her. You are not trained, I am assuming, so don't think you need to do anything beyond getting her a list of places she can go for help. Your own family deserves to have you not devoting so much time and energy to someone who refuses to get help.
And I thought the relationships with my sisters were bad!
Good Golly Miss Molly!!!!!!!!!
You need a break for sure...BUT you need to try to get her some help, some way! Go online, find a way to hook her up with a Doc/counselor who is willing to go to her (?) I don't know your or her finances or insurance but she definately needs help & you can't keep putting your dayz & nightz on hold to listen to her everytime she calls.
She is the WRONG person to be caring for this child, sounds like he is already headed in the wrong direction spending time with her certainly isn't going to help him!
Get some rest, try to 'regroup', then get serious about getting her help, if that's not possible then...love her...BUT don't forget you have a life, we all choose our paths, sometimes we have to put ourselves first & our own kidz...
I dont know that she necessarily has obsessive disorder. It sounds like she is completely bored and has no life. She is trying to take care of a kid who controls her. She has no control over her own life so she is trying to live through you almost. What a sad sole. And bless you for putting up with it for so long. You probably need to sit down with her and tell her that she is driving you nuts. I know that is easier said than done. I would be tempted to unplug my phone during the day, or tell her she can only call between certain times. Schedule a daily phone call with her, then she can get it all out in one shot. How frustrating!
