My 6 Yr Old Son Hates 1St Grade

Updated on September 09, 2010
K.M. asks from Fort Bragg, CA
22 answers

My son was fine in Kindergarten. I was a wreck most of the time with worry about how public school would affect a very sweet extra sensitive little boy. He did great. This year is the total oposite. He comes home angry and he's awful to us. Rude, smart mouthed, sulky, pouty, refuses to do homework and fights with me about everything. In the mornings he refuses to get out of bed and often cries and begs not to go to school. It's breaking my heart. I hated school, and did very poorly because of it. He is very smart and (I think) advanced for his age in many ways, but comes home everyday complaining about too much work in school and how his fingers hurt from so much work. Is this normal? Should I just wait it out? Or are these the signs I was hoping never to see that public school is not for my son? He hasn't said anything negative about his classmates or his teacher. Hasn't relayed any specific incident that caused him trauma. When he's nasty to me and I ask what's wrong, it is often a tearful "I hate school". What should I do?

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So What Happened?

You were all so right. He is warming up. He was in full day KG, but a full day of fun and games. I can't volunteer is class, but my Mom is going to come up and do it tomorow. More snacks (healthy as they can be) and more sleep have made a world of difference. Also, he was getting a granola bar in his lunch and eating it for snack at school: I switched to atkins bars. They have 15 grams of protein and only 1 g of sugar (opposed to 1 gram prot and 8-10 grams sugar) and they taste great. Thank you for all the advise. I'm still working on it, but we are on the right track now thanks to you Mom's.

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R.Y.

answers from New York on

Talk to the teacher first. What is she seeing in class? Is he a late in the year birthday then maybe he isn't ready. Can you observe him at school? My sister was a mess at home in early elementary school because she was such a perfectionist at school and it took so much of her energy (BTW she got very good grades and was very involved in activities later).

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L.M.

answers from Dallas on

Ok, I'm going to be different than your other posts... he's in culture shock and transition.1st grade is a HUGE jump from KG. I used to teach KG and they work a lot too, learning and adjusting to being in school. KG now is like 1st grade used to be when I was a kid and 1st is like 2nd. I teach 1st now and I truly believe it is one of the hardest grades for kids. I cannot tell you how many kids I hear don't like first grade after the first week or two and it breaks my heart. I want them to love school and we really try hard to make learning a lot of fun. I'm quite a goober! They eventually come around and love school again during the year, just in culture shock after the initial honeymoon period is over! What, you want me to work quietly and I have homework? They learn so much in 1st and they really get an insight in that school isn't all fun, art, centers, and songs. Learning takes a lot of time and effort and 6 year olds aren't always mature enough to handle it yet. It will get easier and he will adjust. There is so much they have to learn in this one little year. My goodness, just reading alone is a lot of work. At the beginning, we transition them slowly into the work load, learning, and homework but it's going to happen- spelling tests, writing assignments, math worksheets, and more. He's just used to having more freedom, choice, and fun. Watch him carefully to see if there's an issue with the teacher or a student, but if not, give it time (perhaps the first six weeks). If he's still really emotional, talk to the teacher.

Oh, as for the behavior.. my daughter's friend put it this way in 1st grade, she said that all day long she is trying so hard to be good and follow rules that she just can't keep it in all day at home. haha! He's tired and needs to let off some steam. He can't do it at school because he doesn't want to get in trouble and he knows that you're his mom and will always love him no matter what. My kids (9 and 7) are awful after school from about 4-6, I give them some down time in their rooms or in front of the TV for part of that, sometimes separately and that usually helps. Make sure he's also getting plenty of time to play and just be a kid after school. :)

Ok, that was long. I hope it helps! Good luck!

Update- I forgot. His fingers hurt because he is working hard and building up the muscles in his hands and fingers. They'll get stronger. :)

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R.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

I suggest arranging a meeting with your son's first grade teacher. Explain how things seem to be different this year than last year, and work together to find a solution that will make your son happy to be in school.

I hope this helps!

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K.H.

answers from Boston on

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I hope your son does adjust and does learn to like 1st grade. I agree with the other poster that you should talk to the teacher. My nephew is also a perfectionist at school (the teachers usually say they would like a classroom full of him), but he is a wreck when he gets home from school. Often getting to run (and I mean run) around after school has helped him release some of his tension from the day, but the beginning of the year is always tough for him. If the school year just started, your son might just be going through an adjustment period too. Try talking to the teacher, talk to your son, see if he can get some extra sleep and hope things get better. Good luck!

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J.W.

answers from San Francisco on

I can only agree with everything said about the adjustment period. More sleep can only help. My son (now 3rd grade) said he hated school for the first time. When I asked a few more questions he finally said that he actually loved school, he just didn't like getting up early to go to school. KIds need more sleep than we think, especially during these emotional times. And food!!!!! Lots of snacks first step in the door, before you ask him any questions about his day. Hang in there, it will get better!

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D.C.

answers from Fresno on

Hang in there, mom! Most of the kids in all the first grade classes in my daughter's school are having a very hard time. We had a back to school night and the teacher explained it typically takes kids 6 weeks to adjust to first grade. She suggests some extra attention, hugs, and kisses because it's a huge adjustment for our kids.

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A.T.

answers from Stockton on

Try to volunteer in the class if you can so you can see for yourself what is going on. He may feel guilty for leaving you and enjoying himself at school so he is confused. My son often will ignore me if he had a fun day with his dad or vice-versa because he is afraid the parent he had the special time with will feel jealous if he is nice to both of us at the same time.
I volunteered in my son's K class last year and really learned a lot from it and was able to help with homework etc. better - I even try to use the terminology that his teach uses to make things less confusing for him.
As for tired fingers - kids try to write and color by squeezing the heck out of the crayons and pencil. Work with him to relax his grip and show him how to stop and take a little break once in a while. He can shake his hands and wiggle his fingers to relax the muscles - piano players do it too.
If you can't volunteer befriend one of the volunteer parents to get the 411 on how your son is when you aren't around.

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L.L.

answers from Hartford on

Was he in half day kindergarten? I saw a huge change when my son went into 1st grade and finally figured out it was because he was adjusting to the long day. He was over-tired, over stimulated, and really hungry when he got home. So I moved his bed time back an hour. Cut out any extra activities for the 1st 2 months and gave him some time to adjust to such a long day. If he takes the bus, this can add an hour or more to his day. I would drop off and pick up any time my schedule allowed so he could have more veg out time. It is a hard adjustment and probably will not be a school long thing. See if some extra sleep helps.

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J.C.

answers from Sacramento on

Mom, I would call the guidance dept at your son's school asap and talk to the counselor there for some suggestions to help your boy. They have expertise in this area and should be able to offer some insight and help.He or she may even want to meet with your son to talk before or after schoo which would be good I think. Maybe he will open up to someone else and talk more about how school could be better for him. Just wondering, did your boy go to preschool at all, or did he stay at home with you. Was his kindergarten 1/2 day or full day like some states have? If he had no preschool and then just went only 1/2 days to kindergarten I imagine he is finding it tougher and it takes some getting used to for such a long day to be in school at that age. I teach young children, Pre-K age and it also may also just be an immaturity thing with your son. Sometimes when kids get into elementary school age and begin to see that their lives are no longer all play and have fun 24/7 they get upset and don't want to go to school or do the work,it can be a tough wake up call and realization.( wecome to the next 12-16 yreas of your life) as a student. As for his behavior issues at home they should not be allowed Mom and Dad. Being rude, smart-mouthed and arguing over homework needs to stop. Both of you need to sit down and calmly tell your son he is getting older now that he is in grade school and with it comes things that he has to do as a part of getting bigger that he may not like, but in order to do fun things and have privileges at home his attitude and behavior needs to get better. If after this talk within a day or so there are no changes, you and Dad need to take away, TV, video games, computer time etc, whatever means a lot to him, even a favorite toy he plays with often. Stick to your guns on this every day until things get better with him. He needs to see the consequences of bad behavior at home whether he dislikes school or not. Hopefully the Guidance Dept at school can shed some light on his dislike for school and help you and your son get through this. Good Luck.

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C.C.

answers from Fresno on

Let him adjust. If he went to half-day Kinder, then First grade is a big step. Suddenly they have a ton of "real" work to do and it's hard for them to ramp up to that after a summer of being on their own schedule, playing and having fun all day! My daughter just started First grade and the first week the teacher approached us and let us know that our daughter was being really clingy to her, whining about everything, not keeping up with her work, etc. Knowing our kid (she is not super sensitive - quite the opposite), we took the approach of laying down the law for her. If she was clinging to the teacher, whining, crying, talking in class and not getting her work done, not only was the teacher going to pull her green card (they use a card system to track behavior in the classroom), but she was going to catch hell at home for it too. The teacher told me yesterday that it was like a new kid had come to class this week - my daughter suddenly began to realize that First grade is a whole new world that is NOTHING like Kinder! Because your son is more shy and gentle by nature, it may take him a little bit longer to adjust. Maybe in your case he just needs a soft place to land at the end of the long school day. Maybe he needs to go to bed earlier, eat more at breakfast, who knows what, in order to support him as best as possible during the school day.

Good luck - I'm right with you, first grade is way harder for moms and kids than Kindergarten!

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B.R.

answers from Sacramento on

Have you considered being a classroom helper? Most teachers welcome parent volunteers, and doing that once or even twice a week can give you some insights into what's going on. It's also a good way for your son to see that you are interested in his life away from home. If you are available to do a morning a week, I highly recommend it. There have even been some studies done that seem to show that the kids whose parents volunteer in the classrooms tend to do better in school.

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T.V.

answers from San Francisco on

Ask your son if he would like to repeat Kindergarten because he's not quite ready for first grade? If he says no, ask him if he is ready to make some changes in his current behavior or he will probably need to go back with the younger children.

Blessings....

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J.Y.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi K.,

I understand how heartbreaking this is for you. I'm of the opinion, and I have heard and read information to support this, that many boys aren't ready for first grade at age 6. He may be better off doing another year of kindergarten, with a different teacher to make it a whole new experience, and starting first grade next year. This is not a punishment or a failure on his part. He is simply exhibiting signs that he is not ready. Children should not be this resistant to school unless there is something very wrong, for HIM. I would talk to the teacher about this possibility or see what else she suggests. I volunteered with my first graders and they really do get down to business all day. Many kids are so tired halfway through the day. Most seem to improve as they mature and age through the year but, if it was my child, I wouldn't want him to go through that torture if it is in fact that he just isn't ready. It has nothing to do with him not being smart enough. I'm sure he's very bright but holding him back a year is better to do now than later in his life. I have seen many kids repeat a year at our school and it all seems to work out. Just think of it this way, he will probably be near the top of his class for the rest of his schooling since he had that extra time to get ready for the vigorous work.

Good luck. Making these decisions seems so emotionally difficult at the time but as it all becomes more normal, everyone forgets that they went through such difficult times.

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D.F.

answers from Boston on

Sorry he does not like first grade. My children loved the Elementary grades. Your son sounds more like he is having a temper tantrum because of the work that is needed in first grade. Maybe homeschooling is an option for him. I mean going to public schools do not make you rude, smart mouthed, sulky, pouty or make you refuse to do homework. Its what you let him get away with at home. Sorry.

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P.C.

answers from San Francisco on

I would guess something is wrong but he cannot communicate about it.Ask to observe.Another possibility is.......sometimes irregardless of how smart a child is, developmentally he may not be ready for the academics. Check out Waldorf education.

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S.S.

answers from Sacramento on

My daughter is also in first grade this year. She is also extra sensitive and sweet. Here are several things that I do to make the day easier for her.

1) Make sure your son has nutritional meals and snacks, even at school. And right after school. He could be hungry! :)

2) Make sure that your son is getting 10-14 hours of sleep every night. It is hard when transitioning from a 1/2 day Kindergarten classroom to a full day in First Grade and he could be tired from a long day at school.

3) Are the things he is learning much harder than in Kindergarten? I've noticed that the new math book that the school adopted is VERY difficult. My daughter is bright and the math homework is very hard. She gets frustrated doing the math homework and often I get frustrated trying to help her! I was just discussing with my husband that I didn't expect her to be adding 10 more and 10 less with word problems that include extra information for another month or more. I thought they would be working on the basics right now. Especially since I used to teach 2nd grade before my kids were born!

4) Talk with the teacher. Tell him or her that your son is very different than he was in Kindergarten. Tell the teacher what your son is telling you and what you are observing at home. Find out how your son is in the classroom. If the teacher doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary, it will at least bring your son to the teacher's attention to be more observant of the situation.

5) Volunteer in the classroom. However keep in mind that a) you may not be in the classroom for you may be running off copies and b) your son may act differently with you in the classroom.

6) Does your son have friends to play with during recess? My daughter had a hard time with friends at recess for a few weeks. It was very hard for her to find her friends from Kindergarten since they are in different classrooms in First Grade. I ended up having to arrange her to meet some of her old Kindergarten friends at a specific spot until she was able to meet up with friends on her own.

Hopefully you can figure out what is making your son have such a hard time with First Grade. I hope that it is just the transition to first grade and not something else! Good luck!

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

This is pretty normal. Most kids get used to it and start to love school again in a few months, but it DOES take awhile. I would suggest that if he's consistently unhappy by xmas break over unresolvable problems to start looking into alternatives (homeschool, private school, etc.)... but in the meantime to just try to solve what causes you can, and wait it out for a bit.

One thing to *definitely* look into is how much sleep he's getting. Most elementary schoolers still need 12 hours of sleep, but most don't even get 10. All you have to do is look back on that first year of sleep dep to see where some of his unhappiness is coming from if he's consistently low on sleep.

Another is low blood sugar. Some schools have *ridiculous* food schedules. My son's school started at 8, and then they had lunch at 1045 (2 lunch periods, and they had the early one). That meant that he went nearly 6 hours without food. By the end of the day he was falling to pieces, along with all of his classmates. A way to combat this (if you can't get a snack into an IEP or med plan), is for *super* "unhealthy" lunches. FULL of fatty foods that will last out the hours and hours of mental and physical activity with no chance for a break/nourishment, and to have a snack ready in the car to eat on the way home, and more healthy food to be snarfed up once home.

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H.S.

answers from Cincinnati on

I'm so sorry he's going through this in a rough way. I'm not sure what public school has to do with it. In a private school that you're paying $$$$ for, he could hate it there, and that well, would really suck. It's early in the year, maybe in 2 weeks from now, he will have made a good friend and love going! Leave pictures of you, dad and siblings in his backpack to look at when he misses you. Do you have the teachers email? I'd ask her how he is in class. She may be having zero problems with him. And when he's at home with you, he's possibly exhausted and taking his frustration out on you. Find out how he's actually acting in school. It may make all the difference to learn that he's enjoying his day there. Good luck.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

The first thing I would do is talk to the teacher and see if there is a problem at school. Maybe he's being bullied. On second thought, I'm not so sure a teacher meeting would be totally beneficial, but they will lie. They will say nothing is wrong because most of them don't really pay too much attention to bullying at this young age - they don't take it seriously, but it is serious, especially to the one being bullied. That would be the first thing I look at. perhaps you can arrange to volunteer at the school so you can get a first hand look at what's going on. Or, it could just be that he's figuring out that 1st grade is harder than kindergarten and that there is a lot more work. I know I was absolutely SHOCKED at the amount of homework my first grader had a couple of years ago. So, it could be a problem at school or just the fact that he doesn't want to leave the kindergarter easy days behind quite yet. I think if you're able to assure yourself that it's not a problem at school, but just that he isn't used to and doesn't like the amount of work that is required of him, you will feel better and not so heartbroken when he cries about not wanting to go. School has just started - give him a chance to adjust.

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L.O.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm just going to echo the responses of others and say that volunteering in the classroom is the best thing you can do--that way you can see your son and the other kids in action, see if he's being picked on by other kids (ask the teacher not to introduce you as "Johnny's mommy" but just maybe even by your first name so you can remain 'anonymous' and see what the dynamic is. And I would also talk to your son's teacher about how she feels he's doing--strengths and weaknesses--although it's probably pretty early on for her to have much personal, individual feedback. She's getting to know upwards of 20 new kids and their parents, so if she's got individual feedback at this point, it's probably because he's a standout, one way or another.

And there is also the possibility that he's a late in the year birthday and would indeed benefit from one more year before the 'real school' starts. My oldest son was a late October boy, held back in preschool so he started K at almost 6, but then encouraged to skip 2nd grade and from then on he was simply too young, and sensitive to boot. Boys need more time. Give it to them, or you may regret it later, as I have to this day.

Maybe even homeschool for a year, then start 1st again in a year when he's older.

best of luck.

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M.B.

answers from Sacramento on

First grade is a hard transition. Hopefully it's just the transition which he will adjust to soon and not a student or the teacher.
Make sure it's the class and not the teacher.
Make sure he gets enough sleep and something good to eat in the morning that is filling (cereal seems to run through the system then they are hungry again.).
My stepdaughter went through this. Kids seem older at this age but they are still little kids and the longer days/harder subjects seem daunting to them. She adjusted a few weeks later.

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M.T.

answers from San Francisco on

Talk to his teacher. Children do go through growing pains with new school years, but you want to get to the root of this quickly. Hating school when you are 6 is not what anyone wants, including his teacher. Talk to her/him and work on helping him figure out what it is that is bothering him.

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