My 5Yr Old Son Wont Listen

First, you have to stop yelling. Yelling doesn't help the situation. Next, read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Pullups at night.

Try reading the book "Have a New Kid by Friday". They sell it at Mardels.. It worked wonders for my then 2 1/2 year old.

I have the same problem with my 6 year old boy and would love to hear from other Moms dealing with this every day.

You already have lots of good advice, so I will just comment on a couple of things. My 5 year old is not dry at night ever (maybe 5 nights in his life), so he wears pull-ups and there's also a mattress cover on every single kid's mattress in the house. I had the same issue as a kid, so I know how it is. He'll grow out of it, and it is very common.

On the cleaning issue, I agree that "clean your room" is too vague. I usually tell my 5 year old how many things to clean up (usually 10-20 things in the toy room) or if they are helping with downstairs, I give the 3 and 5 year olds specific jobs. "Pick up all the dirty clothes and take them to the laundry room" or "Pick up all the garbage and throw it away" or "Pick up all the blankets and put them in a pile." My house isn't spot-free (not even close), but if they help pick up a little bit, I think it's sufficient for their ages. Other chose they can do at this age - clear off the table, set the table, dusting (as long as there are no breakables). But I am usually close by and I remind them if they get distracted to get back on track. I really wouldn't expect any 5 year old to stay on track cleaning if they could get away with not.

I don't freak out if he takes all day to do his assigned chores - but he doesn't get to play computer or watch TV until they are done. And I stick to it - if I see him doing one of those things, I remind him chores aren't done and force him off. If he does it more than once or twice, I tell him that if I see him doing that again before his chores are done, that he won't have any for the rest of the day or that he won't have any tomorrow (games or TV whatever he is doing). Just the threat has always worked, but if it did happen, I would follow through with it, even if it meant unplugging computer or TV or turning off the breaker lol Or putting him in his room if he disobeyed, etc.

One thing I haven't tried yet, but you might want to - a chore chart. A few reasonable things that he must do every day before TV. It would be visual (google for pictures of: brushing teeth, getting dressed, toilet, cleaning up toys) then make two pockets out of file folders with his name and something like "to do (with a sun)" and "done" and on the done folder is a picture of a TV. So when he does one, he moves it to the done folder and when it is full and the first one is empty, he gets TV time. Maybe 2 more folders for night time (moon) and a book on the done one - when he is done with night time (pajamas, potty, brush teeth), he gets a book or story in his own bed. Lay with him in his bed and actually tell him a story (dads are great at making up stories and boys LOVE it!). My boys absolutely love when dad tells them a story (he makes up stories about dragons, knights, ninjas, wizards, superheroes, quests, swordfights, and all sorts of things I would never think of :).

Anyways, this is longer than I meant it to be, but at this point it really is conditioning all three of you on how things work in your household. It will be super-frustrating at first because he will test your resolve and try to pit you and hubby against each other. But you have to be on the same page for reasonable expectation and consequences and stick together and stick to plan. :) Good luck!

If your husband doesn't buy in then you've got a tough road ahead. If nothing else, tell him to support you in what YOU decide to do.

I once heard a phrase called Commando Parenting. The principle is very simple. Take away everything and make them earn it all!

Take all toys out of his room. Unplug the tv. Take away all video games.

You are the grown up. You make the decisions. NO choices on clothes, food, etc. unless he earns it.

He sleeps in his own room. Period. Even if it takes you until 2am to get him to sleep. It's not an option. No matter how much he fusses, whines, gets of his room, etc.

Your son doesn't appear to listen to you because he can just go do something else. He has other options to "play" or screw around other than listening to you.

He doesn't have to go pee before bedtime because there's no loss of privledges if he doesn't listen. He still is getting what HE wants.

It doesn't matter if YOU tell him not to drink because HE will just get more to drink when HE wants.

If he wants tv time, make him earn it.
If he wants his bike, make him earn it.
If he doesn't listen, he loses something. If he has nothing left to lose, he can sit in his room with NO toys, only books and crayons until he's willing to do what he's told. It could be 2 minutes, 20 or 1/2 the day. When he comes out, it's to do what YOU said.

It's not easy. But it's a simple plan.

If it's time for breakfast he eats what you put out. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to eat.

If you stick to your guns, YOU will very quickly be in control again.

I am not a militant parent. But I think that parents need to run the show. When kids feel that they get to make the decisions they don't listen because they don't have to. The way to get control of your son is to take away all distractions and things that allow him to "play" instead of doing what's expected of them.

Good luck!

Both you and your husband must do this every time.
Start your requests to your son with "listen to my words." then give him the direction. After you have given him the instructions tell him "tell me what I just said." Have him repeat it to you. Then tell him to "go and do it now."

Asking a 5 year old to clean up their room is too vague. You need to give exact instructions. Hang all of your cloths in the closet. Put all of the clothes that are on the floor in the dirty clothes hamper. Put all of the cars and trucks in your toy box. Only give one instruction at a time.

Another thing is to give a time limit. "You have 1 minute to brush your teeth." Place a timer in the bathroom. If he does not do it, tell him he will loose the TV that night.

Give him a heads up for what will be happening. "In 5 minutes we will be leaving, put on your shoes now."

If your child does not do as instructed take away the TV. Throw all of his toys that were on the floor in a garbage bag and tell him until he does what you have told him, he cannot have them back. Stick to what you tell him, no matter what type of fit he throws. Step over him and ignore him.

I am going to let others tell you what to do about him sleeping in his own bed. I would just place him in there with a bedtime routine and make him stay there.. He may need a night light, a sound machine and a alarm for him to get up and go potty.. No secret to me, just do it and stick with it no matter what.

You've received some good advice, but nothing will work unless your husband supports you. If he doesn't, then he will constantly undermine your efforts and your son will learn that he doesn't have to listen to you and Dad will back him up. Work out a plan together. Good luck!

First of all, I would stop yelling (easier said than done, I know...trust me!). But, he isn't responding to it and is likely tuning it out, so you're just upsetting yourself. Secondly, you are going to have to find some form of discipline that works because it sounds like he needs it desperately. If he is supposed to be cleaning his room and he turns on the TV instead, then you turn the TV right back off and tell him he isn't allowed out of his room until it is clean. You are just going to have to stick to your guns. If he doesn't pick up his toys like you ask him to, you tell him that whatever isn't picked up is being put in a bag and taken to a donation center to give to children that will appreciate them. Then, FOLLOW THROUGH! I guarantee the first time you give away his favorite toys (and DON'T replace them), he will learn to pick up after himself.

As for the sleeping, if you don't want him in your room anymore, then you are just going to have to put your foot down and make it happen. He is 5 years old....plenty old enough to have a discussion about expectations and then follow through. You could start by putting a mattress or some other pallet on the floor in your room and start him off sleeping there. Then, have him start sleeping in his room once he is used to sleeping somewhere other than in your bed. If he gets up in the night and comes to your room, take him by the hand and walk him back to his room. Put a nightlight and a radio in there so that you can turn on some music for him to go to sleep to. You can buy a removable mattress pad for the bed so that it is easier to clean up messes. If he's in his own bed and he wets it, then make him take the sheets off and put them in the wash. If you start giving him some obvious, natural consequences for the things he is doing (such as having to clean up his pee, losing toys because he doesn't clean them up, having to spend long periods of time in his room instead of watching TV because he won't clean up), then he will start to do what he is supposed to because he won't want to deal with the consequences anymore.

The bottom line is that you are going to have to start coming up with some consequences and then follow through. It sounds a little bit like he is running the show and he knows it. He probably also knows that your husband is a softie, so you will have to spend some time talking to your hubby about what you would like to see your son do and how you would like to approach it going forward. Tell him that you realize that the yelling isn't the answer and that you are willing to use some other methods, but that it is NOT too early to teach him some responsibility in the home. Somehow, the two of you are going to have to be on the same page about all of this.

You can even make a chore chart and give an incentive of some sort for doing them. It doesn't even have to be money. He could earn special outings like the zoo or the movies, Chuck E Cheese or somewhere else fun that he may not get to go too often. Another thing that worked when I was potty training my daughter was that she liked to go to the dollar store and pick out a toy or a book. It was cheap (only a dollar), but SHE got to pick the reward, so it was a big hit! Try to keep the yelling to a minimum, but set clear expectations of what you want your son to do and when. Set a timer and tell him he has 10 minutes to clean up his room or toys and then you can go outside and play or do something else he wants to do. You may also need to help him understand what "clean up your room" means. That term may be overwhelming. Give him specific tasks until he understands what, exactly, you want from him. Once that is clear, then he should be able to do it on his own. Give him the tools he needs to successfully complete his chores and set out the consequences if he doesn't. I truly believe he is old enough to understand all of this and just needs to be shown what to do and have the consequences enforced.

Best of luck! It can and will get better!

It sounds to me like there has been very little training going on. So let me describe what training is.

Training is joyful and fun. Training is full of games and songs and clapping hands. It has no yelling, no fussing, no assuming your child knows what to do or when to do it. It is "mommy show, mommy do, baby follow" time. You brush your teeth together. You sing a song about brushing teeth. You read stories about brushing teeth. You do this for WEEKS, not once. That is training to brush teeth. You spit your toothpaste out together. You compare your shiny teeth and smell each other's breath. You make it FUN.

You use this technique for everything. You clean together, singing cleaning songs. You don't say, "Go Clean Your Room!" and make it horrid drudgery. You make sure his things are kept in bins and baskets that he can reach and easily put things into. At 5 he should be able to make his bed. But you must do it with him. Every day. FOR WEEKS. And it should be full of high fives and songs and tickles...and later it should be a race on if he can make his bed faster then you can make yours with each of you getting ready, yelling "mark, set, GO!" and running.

As for wetting the bed, you have got to COMPLETELY change your attitude about this. Your son is not wetting your bed because he doesn't care. This is a developmental thing. For goodness sakes, put him in pullups at night and if you are going to co-sleep, have a good night's sleep. If you are not wanting to co-sleep anymore, then get him in his bed. Since you've allowed him to sleep with you for five years, start sleeping with him in his room for a little while. Slowly work him into his own room and own bed. And if he won't use the bathroom when it is appropriate for him to, make other things dependent on it. For example, my 3 year old doesn't like to go potty in the mornings. Too many other things to do. So he does not get breakfast or movie or anything else fun until he goes. We refuse him KINDLY and with NO RIDICULE. Just enforce the rule firmly no matter how he may cry, whine, or lay on the floor and kick. Then he will get up, go potty, and our day continues on.

The yelling is simply training your son not to listen to you. Because it is fruitless and useless if you have not trained. And training should begin before your baby is 2, so it might be tough to get it started at 5. So my suggestion is to unplug your tv, tell your son it isn't working right now, and start to interact with him in a way that makes him want to spend time with you learning how to do these things.

Be consistent, be thorough, be giving of your time, and hang in for the long haul. You will make changes but the whole thing is going to take a lot of time. And reading books with your boy will help him learn the art of listening as well. Read, read, read to him on the sofa.

Good luck.
VickiS

It sounds to me like you need Jo, the Super Nanny! So sorry for your problems! First, your son is ruling the house - not you or your husband. Sit down and write out a list of rules. I know he can't read but write out the rules anyway and put them on a large posterboard. The rules will be posted in the kitchen or den. Sit down and read him these rules. Tell him that when the rules are followed there will be rewards and when the rules are not followed there will be consequences. Have a chart with spaces for stars on it. Whenever he follows a rule without being told twice, give him a star on the chart. At the end of each day count up the number of stars. When he has a certain number of stars - say 10 stars, he gets a reward.

The rewards would be on another chart or you could write on pieces of paper what the rewards would be. When my son was little I would buy small toys at the dollar store and put prices on each item. He would need to "buy" the item with his reward points. When he got a certain number of reward points he got to go shopping in the suprise bin. He really liked this system.

Consequences could be: (1) no desert with dinner. (2) no TV. (3) No toys. (4) go to bed early. If he breaks rules you could take away a favorite toy as a consequence. He would have to "buy" back his own toys with his reward points! That would not cost money either which I like. The extra toys would be extra rewards. He could buy back his own toys with the reward stars or purchase a new one.

When you take away toys - make him BUY the toy back with stars for good behavior. Put the toys in a bag and put them in the attic or somewhere that he can't get to them. LOCK them away! Do the same with the TV. If he persists in turning it on when he's supposed to be brushing his teeth, etc. then TAKE THE TV AWAY! He just lost the priviledge.

Also, get him out of your bed. He's too big to be in your bed - especially if he wets the bed. It may take you a few nights to do this but I've seen the Super Nanny get parents to do this successfully. Just put him in his own bed (with a rubber sheet under his sheet) and tell him to stay there. When he gets out of the bed and comes and gets into your bed, pick him up, put him back in his bed and say good night. Do this AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES. You and your husband take turns putting him back into his own bed. Eventually he will stay in his bed and sleep there. DON'T GIVE IN. DON'T LET HIM BE YOUR BOSS!

Don't yell. When you yell HE is in control. He will learn to yell back by your example. Use a calm voice and be firm. Don't bargain. These are the rules. Follow them and get rewards. Don't follow them and you get consequences. It's as simple as that.

I believe that all actions have consequences no matter your age and the younger you start to learn to make good choices the better. I give my kids a choice (7yrs & 4 yrs) you guys can clean up or I can do it, if I do it say good-bye to whatever it is I touch. (The hardest part is following through) then donate the toys you’ve taken and don’t replace them. If he complains tell him “I know that is terrible that the toys were donated when you weren't done with them, I hope you make a better choice next time” I also give my kids all kinds of choices like “do you want to brush your teeth now or after you clean up” “ do you want to ware your jacket or hold it?” “you can watch TV now for 10 mins or after you _____” Give him 5 mins to brush his teeth if he takes longer tell him “Oops look at the time we are not going to have time to watch TV or read book (whatever it is) since you took so long to brush your teeth” You may want to stand around and help him with, where to put the toys and what toys go where, as well as making sure he brushes right. As far as the bed wetting, they do have those pads you can get at the store that are disposable (they are in the area with the Depends) it makes it easier for clean up. They also have those alarms you can get that will wake him up when he wets the bed a little but they are expensive, talk to your child's doctor.
When he comes to your bed at night just walk him back to his bed every time, your going to lose sleep for a few days but in the long run he’ll start to just stay in his room.
I wish I had a magic word that would work I could tell you to use that would fix it in a flash but I don’t, I have learned that one of the hardest part of parenting is following though with what you say, at least for me but it does work. Also try positive feed back for anything he does do and try not to make a big deal of the wrong just state your disappointed and move on. Good luck!

First of all, you and your husband HAVE to put up a united front. Otherwise your son is just going to use the divide and conquer tactics. Yelling does not work (but we have all gone that route) but you can eliminate toys and tv for a longer period of time (for as long as his behavior doesn't change).
Second, I would mention his bed wetting and liquid consumption to his pediatrician. There are lots of tools and aides for bed wetting, and drinking too much liquids can be a sign of other issues.

One: make him wear a Pull Up at night.

Two: your son is getting too much negative reinforcement, and is thriving on it. Try letting some of the stuff go, some of the stuff you are focusing on doesn't matter that much.

My oldest son was like that, so I know. He's now 20, and nice as can be. And I regret yelling at him so much. It's really bad for your household. Stop it and lighten up about it all.

if you ask him to clean his room, and he turns on the tv (i assume it's in his room)... then i would take the tv from his room! if he won't clean up the toys when you ask.... bye bye toys! I wouldn't necessarily throw them out, but I would take them away and make him earn them back. if he doesn't care if you take them away, that's fine... he still won't be leaving a mess, or if he does... take that away too.

as for the accidents at night... I would look into those nighttime shorts for bed wetters. I see them all the time in parenting magazines.

Just some things that worked for me. First of all stop yelling. As soon as you yell you lose all control of the situation. Second, don't make idle threats. Your son is too young to care about not going places or having toys taken away, and he is smart enough to know that you have to take him with you and his toys will come back eventually. However a 5 minute time out facing a corner is pure torture. Set limits calmly, and don't make the goal to broad. For instance instead of telling him to clean his room, break it down into smaller tasks. Try telling him that he has ten minutes to put his shoes away or else he will have to spend five minutes in time out. Show him the timer and let him see you set it. Put it somewhere you both can see it. When the timer goes off, If the shoes are not put away then follow through, and put the boy in time out. I had to stand behind my daughter at first to keep her in the corner. If the shoes are put away then make sure to give big "thank-you's" hugs, and even a small reward like a sticker (no candy that can lead to other problems) As for wetting the bed some small bladders just don't wake up at night. I would talk with your pediatrician and try some of those "overnights" bedtime pants.

This is such a common problem. Your son is old enough to recognize the problems he's creating for himself and you. I strongly recommend the wise and useful techniques in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can learn how your children can propose their own solutions to classic family problems.

You can read part of this wonderful parent-workshop-between-covers here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... I think you'll be impressed with the possibilities.

I haven't read the other posts, but I would suggest expecting less and doing more things together. The dentist recommends that parents brush their child's teeth until the child is 8 years old, so brush them for him. Make picking up his toys a joint project where he helps...sing the Barney clean-up song as you go to make it fun. Tell him that he is only allowed to sleep in your bed if he uses the restroom 1st, his choice. Then if he still wets the bed, the next night he will have to both use the restroom and wear a pull-up, OR sleep in his own bed...his choice. Stop battling...

Sounds to me like your son might be in charge at your house. You need to take control as the parent. A five year old in charge is challenging but a 15 year old in charge is scary! My 3 and 1/2 year old knows how to pick up her room and can brush her teeth (sorta). i don't think you are asking too much. I think we do not expect enough out of this generation of children. Good luck. Check out shepherding a child's heart by tedd tripp

Just an additional thought.....if he is always thirsting and having to pee during the night, maybe you should have the pediatrician test him for diabetes.
Definitely have him wear a pull-up! Everyone of you needs a good night's sleep to be able to have a more pleasant day.

Your son is not too young to learn to be responsible and neither is your husband!

It might be a good idea for the two of you parents to read a book on what can be expected from a child at what age.

Personally, I would get the child out of my bed! But, really, your husband needs to buy into the program - you both need to be on the same page! And don't yell! You know that doesn't accomplish anything - go do some research! Read some books!

Whatever you decide, STICK WITH IT. BUT NO YELLING. I skimmed some of the other responses - some great ideas. Go for it, girl! You can do it! You can take control of the house again and get rid of the 5 yr old tyrant who is ruling you out of house and home (and sanity!)

After I sent in my answer I thought of something else so I decided to come back and add a little more. I like to analyze things and try to state them clearly, plus:

****** I thought of something that was very helpful for our bedwetter.*******

My analysis: Actually, you've listed several different problems here:

1. Child is disobedient and untrained
2. Husband is ignorant of child development stages and appropriate behavior (actually both of you could learn something here, thus my recommendation to read some books!)
3. Child is in bed with parents
4. Child wets bed

It will take some hard work to sort things out, but it sounds like you're ready to make some changes. First off, you and your husband need to educate yourselves on what children are capable of and then you need to decide what your family rules are going to be. That addresses #2.

Then you need to teach and train your child what the rules are, how to obey them and what will happen when he doesn't obey them. Tell him what will happen if he disobeys, then MAKE THAT THING HAPPEN EVERY TIME. That's #1

For #3. This is something that each family does differently when children are young, but eventually, we all want the children out of our bed! Follow some of the suggestions that others have offered. Plus, there have been other times on Mamapedia that this issue has been addressed. You could research it. Good luck!

For #4: ***********BEDWETTING ******** NOTE THIS********
This is why I came back. I realized that when our currently-in-his-20s son was young we used something to help his sleeping body learn to control his urges to pee in the middle of the night. I've temporarily forgotten what it was called, but we sent away for it in the mail. Maybe it was called Star Light? Anyway, it consisted of a battery with a very loud buzzer that you attached to the pajama top. The buzzer was connected to a snap that was snapped onto the underwear in the crotch area. When the child started to pee, the material between the snap got wet and conducted electricity and the buzzer would turn on. LOUDLY! We could hear it from downstairs.This startles the child and he/she stops peeing. (Our son would sleep through this loud buzzer at first)
When we first started using it, our son would be still so soundly asleep that we would spend several minutes waking him up to take him to the bathroom so he could pee. We used this thing every night until he stopped peeing in bed - it took many months! But it worked. With time, his body learned to respond [to the urge to pee in the middle of the night] with a, "NO, that ain't gonna happen here and now!" and he quit peeing in bed.
Later we loaned this gizmo to a neighbor and her daughter's body responded in a MUCH shorter amount of time. Our son just happens to sleep very very soundly - even now. As a teenager he had to put his alarm clock across the bedroom from his bed, so that he would wake up enough to actually be able to wake up and get to school. Too close and he would turn it off and fall right back to sleep and never remember waking up or turning off the alarm clock.

Sorry this got soooo long, but I thought knowing about this gizmo might help you and/or other parents. We loved it.

Try reading some Love & Logic books. It's NOT too early. 5 is almost too late to start making him listen. He is old enough to pick up his room, as long as you realize he's 5. Meaning, if he doesn't straighten the sheets all the way when he makes his bed, that's part of being 5, but if he won't even try to pull the sheets up, that's being defiant. As for your husband, ask him what he wants out of his son? A responsible adult? Someone that is pleasant to be around? Someone that will one day get a job and be a productive member of society? Well, that all starts now! Small jobs for small people. He can pick up the books and put them on the shelf, maybe they won't be straight, but he can do it. He can put his clothes in the hamper, he can put the legos back in the box, etc. At 5 my kids were helping me clean the house! A 5 year old can clean mirrors, use the toilet brush to clean the toilet, etc. All with supervision and guidance, but they can. Don't short change him! As for bed wetting, I think that is more normal than you think. I know of at least 2 kids that wet the bed until 6 or 7...one is still wetting the bed at 8 dispite no liquids late and going before bed, that is a whole other issue. The main thing is be consistant, and you really need hubby to be on board too.

I agree with the Goodnight pull-ups for bedtime. Some places that you can go for ideas on training are www.nogreaterjoy.org and www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com. You need to teach yourself to take care of the disobedience immediately, before you are frustrated. It is a difficult habit to get into, but it is well worth the peace that it brings to the household. I am working on it too. Praying that you are able to find a plan that works for you. You and hubby need to work together and be consistant

Your story is oh so familiar! I also have a 5 year old - a daughter. A few months ago she was still sleeping in our bed, throwing tantrums all the time, refusing to help clean up, refusing to brush her teeth or take a bath. It was a night mare!!! I feel your pain.

This is what we did, and it has been successful. We did a Yahoo/NoNo Board. Basically I went to Joann's and got a big cork board, covered it with fabric, painted the wood edges, stuck painted wood letters in it for the wording, ribbbons for the dividers, and pushpins to keep tallys. My daughter went with me and picked out the paints and the fabric - this got her excited about her board. The reason I made it elaborate is that it has made her take it more seriously. I put one section of "Yahoos" she can get points for - right now her yahoos are Sleeping in own bed, Taking Bath, Brushing Teeth, Helping Mommy, Picking Up Toys, Reading & Writing. She gets a point every time she does one of these tasks (I should point out that she can't read yet - she gets a point for asking one of us to read to her). The she has a "NoNo section she gets points under - right now her nonos are Throwing Tantrums, Not Getting Ready in the Morning, and Wetting Pants.

First thing in the morning I add up up yahoos, then add up her nonos. Then I subtract her nonos from her yahoos. This gives her daily points. I keep a running tally of the daily, weekly, and total points. Before beginning she has chosen a prize and we have set a goal associated with the prize. When she hits the goal she gets the prize! For example it was 50 points for a DVD, but 100 points for a barbie doll.

It really motivates her and she finds things to do to get points! The first night we did the board she slept in her own bed for the first time in years!!! She continues to do so.

Oh and by the way, she still wears pull ups to bed - I think that's okay at this age.

Oh yeah, I'm not going to beat you up because you've already heard it but try not to yell. I know its hard not to sometimes! Use the time out system. It is handy to be able to threaten with taking a point away from the board!

Another note, I did recently find out that my daughter has ADHD. Some of your son's behavior sounds similiar, you might talk to you pediatrition at his next wellness checkup.

Good luck!

It's obvious your son is running the show. I would encourage you to sign up for a class called "Love & Logic" I know the Keller ISD holds classes for a modest fee (like $10 or $15) and I'm sure there are others around here. If your school district has an early childhood PTA you might check with them. At least check out the book. http://www.loveandlogic.com/ As far as cleaning his room, you must give specific instructions. Like most kids, he probably has too many toys and is totally overwhelmed. Don't feel bad about bagging up a bunch to rotate out another time. Another resource that I've heard good things about and uses positive reinforcement is http://www.housefairy.org/

A lot of times kids will misbehave when they are overtired. You are going to have to be proactive in getting him back to his own bed. You have allowed it to go on, because you don't want to get up in the middle of the night and disrupt your sleep; it's easier to let your son crawl in with you. Try to get your husband on board with sending hime back to his bed. If your son sees a united front he will resist less. If hubby won't help, then it's gonna be up to you.

As far as wetting the bed, PLEASE don't punish your son for that! It's not his fault! He is only 5, and you would be amazed at the percentage of kids, especially boys, who wet the bed until they are 10 or 12 years old (I've been there, so I know!).This often has a horomonal component and it takes some time for their systems to mature to the point that they produce less urine at night. Most kids that age sleep too deeply to be awakened by the urge to go anyway. Put him in pull-ups (they are called GoodNights for the bigger kids) at night and let him be responsible for throwing them away daily. The next time you are at the pediatrician, tell him your concerns. They probably won't even consider this a treatable issue at age 5, but if it continues as he gets older, there are some medications and alarms you can try.

Good luck!

What I have started doing with my 6 yr old (who wasn't listening either) is that I got a good sized calender and smiley faced stickers. Each day, I started off with just three things she had to do. One was to flush the toilet after each use, sleep in her own bed like a big girl and obey. I kept promising her that we would do some thing very special that she likes if she kept it up for 3 weeks (it take about 21 days for something to become a routine). This last weekend, she was rewarded by going to the show "Disney On Ice".
My suggestion to you is that instead of punishing for behavior that you don't like, reward for behavior you want. It's much easier on them and on you. Right now, your son is going to continue to do the same thing because he's getting attention (bottom line, that's what all children crave from their parents) wether it's negative or positive. YOU have to change that and set the example for your husband as well as your son.