My 5 Year Old Won’t Wear Underwear, No Matter What… Should I Force Her To?

Interesting first post. I am hoping this is not real for many reasons.

If you're choosing to homeschool because you're not going to require her to wear undies, how the heck are you going to make her do her work when she doesn't want to? Homeschooling, done well, requires a lot of hard work, discipline and the ability to be the bad guy who makes the kid responsible for their work. If you "can't make" her wear underwear, you need to reconsider homeschooling.

Please consider parenting classes.

homeschool?
really?
i mean, i'm all about it, but not because you're helpless in the face of your daughter's intransigence over something.
if she won't put on underwear and also refuses shorts or leggings or pants, she sits in her room until she gets bored enough.
i'd give her a degree of control over her wardrobe, but not the point of going out into the world under-dressed and 'flashing the entire congregation.'
i'm responding to this as if it's a real question and you're not a creep.
i do suspect you're a creep.
ETA- the SWH drips with gotcha.
pretty sure this is a creep.
khairete
S.

Welcome to Mamapedia!

First off, since you are now on a national forum, please change your profile photo immediately! You absolutely cannot put your child's photo up for all to see!

Secondly, I don't understand why this is a problem. If your daughter does not wish to wear underwear, you simply stay home. No church, no park visits (not just "no jungle gym"), no supermarket to get snacks, no play dates, no movies, no trips to McDonald's. You take the emotion out of it - no begging or pleading, just simply "I'm sorry, we don't go out until we are dressed."

The reason the other moms are giving you the "bad mother look" is that you have given your daughter all the power here - you have resorted to bribery with all kinds of new undies and leggings. Your daughter understands that she has all the power in this family, and that you are not in control.

She's 5. You don't explain things to her if she cannot understand them. You simply say, "No, we're not going anywhere until you are dressed." And that's it - no long harangues, no jumping through hoops, no letting a kid be the boss.

I don't know why you are looking at home schooling as if it's easy. It's extremely difficult and requires all kinds of organization and discipline by the parent. If you are having trouble standing up to a 5 year old on clothing, how will you ever enforce curriculum issues, study hours, lesson plans and so forth?

You've made no progress because you keep changing the rules and parameters - long dresses and so forth (which is ridiculous because she can pick them up). If you don't think it's "safe" to go without underwear (your words), then why do you give in? Do you let her ride without a seatbelt? Skip brushing her teeth? Skip doctor visits and vaccinations? Find your backbone, Mama.

Underwear is not optional for a 5 year old. As the parent, why do you think it's ok to let her be in control of this? Diane B gave excellent advice. Until she is dressed appropriately she doesn't go anywhere. Especially anywhere fun. Sorry, that's how it works. Would you also take her out to walk on asphalt on a scorching day without footwear? Or in the snow without shoes/socks and a coat? What if she refuses? It's the same thing. Really. It is.

She's 5. If you don't figure out now how to set the rules for your household, you are really going to have a disaster by the time she's a teen.

My son has sensory processing issues that were worse when he was young. He refused to wear underwear bc he was uncomfortable. He finally started wearing it at age 7 or 9. I can't remember now. But he wore sweatpants every day...there was no flashing going on! Your daughter ABSOLUTELY cannot wear a dress with nothing under it...that is not an option. She has to wear leggings or sweat pants or SOMETHING under a dress. If she refuses to listen to you on this get rid of her dresses. That is not good that you have let her go about doing this and she thinks she can get away with it. It's not just safety...it is unsanitary. It is also against the law. It is also something that can completely offend other people...how would you like it if a little boy was flashing his privates to your daughter? Are you a parent who has a hard time saying no? Are you a parent who gives in to please your child? That is not good parenting...it is your job to teach her what is right and what is wrong. Since you are likely to give in my advice is to get rid of the dresses. Buy her only comfy sweats, overalls, and soft pull on pants with no button/snap. My daughter is 7 and I have to tell you that a 5 year old knows better than to lift up their dress and flash everyone their privates. That is something a 2 or 3 year old might do. PS - Girls now a days don't just wear underwear under dresses. They wear something over their underwear so they do not accidentally flash their underwear to people when playing. So most girls wear underwear AND tights, or leggings, or bike shorts, or capri leggings when they wear a dress.

Um, judging from your response to another poster (whom, I can assure you after several years on this site, having seen this woman give well-thought advice and nothing creepy)...

YOU have a problem with boundaries. What you said to Margie G was incendiary, combative and totally blaming her for what you did, which was post something that's pretty much an example of parental outlier behavior coming from you.

First, no right-thinking person would take their child to church without underwear on under her dress. This isn't a toddler playing naked at the river, it's church. You teach your children to dress appropriately for such occasions.

No right-thinking person would jump to 'pedophile' conclusions toward a poster who, rightfully, I might add, thinks something odd is up. She's not the only one. Are you going to send nasty-grams to everyone who questions your odd, no-boundaries situation? If this is real, get professional help, either for her sensory issues or for your parenting issues.

If you foresee homeschooling on the horizon because of this... you are in for a rude awakening. I'm all for homeschooling and it is WORK. I know; we do it.. I have to be in charge and make my kid do stuff he doesn't want to do. If you can't get your kid to wear underwear, really!--you are not going to get them to do activities they would choose not to.Seriously consider your path...

Oh, NOW you tell us that your child has already been diagnosed with Sensory issues?

How helpful it would have been to inform us of that in your original question. How could you leave that out? You're outrageous.

If you think that home-schooling is the answer to a disobedient, rebellious child who refuses to act appropriately in public (assuming that said child has the intellectual capacity and mental resources to comprehend and obey), you are headed for disaster.

Homeschooling (and yes, I've homeschooled at times) requires discipline, both on the part of the child and the parent/teacher. Sure, there is a certain amount of freedom to select your own curriculum, or structure your homeschool in such a way that accommodates your family. Some people homeschool while living on a farm, and farm chores outside are part of the daily routine. Some people choose a fluid curriculum, where the child's interests dictate the curriculum. But regardless, a certain amount of discipline is required. There are several ways to arrive at a solution to a math problem, for example. Some homeschool parents choose Cuisinaire Rods, some go strictly by a textbook, some explore math in artistic or scientific or creative ways, but they all arrive at 2 + 2 = 4, not 2 + 2 = donkey or paint. Even if the point of the homeschool is to help the child direct the learning, there still are standards that must be met in order to fulfill legal requirements, and that means the parent has to be in charge.

Now, if your child cannot abide any clothing on her body, if wearing socks reduces her to tears, if she can't sit still for a minute without fidgeting painfully because of the weight, texture, or closeness of clothing, if clothing seams cause her anxiety and physical pain, then get her evaluated for sensory disorders immediately. If she is properly diagnosed as having a sensory disorder, there are clothing companies that make clothes for these kids, without seams, in particular fabrics, etc.

Also, have her medically evaluated. Perhaps she has an infection, or a parasite, or a skin condition in the area that underwear might touch, that makes underwear unbearable.

But if your child is wearing shoes and socks and shirts, and has no physical or emotional or sensory disorders, and she simply refuses to comply with perfectly reasonable standards, then you've got to step up.

No jungle gym when others are around? I'm assuming that means it's ok when the park is deserted. What you need to do is pretty much restrict all pleasurable activities. No friends over, no park or playground, no sitting in front of the tv or video game or computer, no tablet. Right now, she's the queen of the castle, and she is dictating your life. You don't have clear rules. No underwear is ok at some times, we'll try to disguise the fact that you're not wearing underwear by various means, mommy won't go to church because you demanded inappropriate attention...your child is living in chaos, and she's the master of it.

Time for playing hard ball. You have a potentially HUGE problem on the horizon. She could end up sexting when she gets older, being promiscuous, and a teen mother.

No more dresses. Period. She wears what you put on her, period. You put all the dresses away where she cannot get to them. Show her overalls in the store (Osh-Kosh-B-Gosh has them) and tell her that wearing THIS is in her future if she doesn't stop fighting with you over covering her bottom.

I'd be spanking her bottom if she had it bare, if it were me. And I don't say that lightly. Flashing the entire congregation at church? A five year old knows better. They have poor impulse control, yes, BUT, they know better. And she did it on purpose.

No to homeschooling. Yes to demanding and punishing for showing her bare bottom to people. You are doing nothing by not taking her to the jungle gym or park. That's for you. Instead, you punish her harshly for not covering up. And you don't let her decide that she doesn't have to...

ETA - If she has Sensory Processing Disorder then that changes your WHOLE question!!!
Then you ask for Moms (and there are plenty out there) on how to get a child with SPD to wear underpants. Whole different question!!! So don't get your panties in a twist when people tell you to stop your disobedient defiant undisciplined TYPICAL child to put on her underpants. When you don't have a typical child and you have a SPD child you use different methods...which your therapist should advise you about...she is in therapy for this right? If it is so bad she can't wear certain clothes then she needs therapy....so get her and YOU some on how to handle SPD.

Underwear isn't a choice. Everyone wears them, period end of discussion.

Unless you are of an age where you don't want pantylines and then there are G-strings.

If there are no sensory issues involved..like she will wear socks and clothes with tags, etc. Then you put your foot down as a mother and tell her to put them on. No dresses without them and no leaving the house without them.

She isn't the boss or in charge, you are and that to me would be a non-negotiable issue.

She is the child, you are the parent. End of discussion.

If this is a sensory thing then then get her the softest undies or shorts you can find (Hannah Anderson is good.) Then you stop making it a choice! Do you "let" her not wear her seat belt? Of course not. Unless you live in a nudist colony she needs to keep her privates private.
If she won't comply then make her favorite things conditional upon it. I'm not a fan of punishment per se, but I certainly wouldn't be taking her to the park or anywhere else until she learned how to keep her pants on. Maybe being stuck in the house all the time will help her get over it.
If you have other children take them out when daddy is home and leave her with him.

I see you've changed the profile picture. Reported.

shortly after potty training i would let my kid go "commando" only at home.. they wore undies or a pullup when we were not home. period. there was no discussion. i told them they were wearing undies, and asked them to choose which ones to wear.
your the parent. be the parent. you tell your child whats expected and if they don't comply with it then they may sit in their room till they put underwear on.

ETA

You would probably benefit a great deal from taking Love And Logic parenting classes. They will help you learn how to parent your child. Natural consequences teach your child that their choices have consequences. If a child isn't dressed right they don't leave their room until they put the clothing on. She doesn't make the rules, she is a child.

As to MandA M. What would you do if a 5 year old girl was sitting in front of you at any meeting and was pulling her dress up and showing you her genitalia? Would you smile and think How Cute? Or would you look at the parent thinking What are they thinking?

This child should not be going commando in dresses and showing everyone she's naked. That's not okay. If she doesn't want to wear underwear when she's an adult that's an adult choice.

***************
Well mom. What you do is take away all the dresses and skirts. Period. What sort of mom would let her child wear those without underwear? Sorry, no way I'd allow her to not have pants on every single day. I would also not let her wear shorts unless they were tighter, like bike shorts that fit snug against the thighs. No booty shorts or basketball style either. She'd wear clothing that completely covered her girl parts or she would wear underwear.

I'm not the mom that lets the kid do what they want when it's a wrong choice. A child not wearing underwear and wearing a dress is a wrong wrong wrong choice.

Now. I understand that there are sensory issues sometimes but showing their private parts is not allowed. Period. You have to cover it up one way or the other. Pants or underwear.

Our girl always wore underwear BUT I bought her booty shorts for gymnastics so she wore them under her dresses/skirts every single time. She is a teenager and still wears booty shorts under them. Just in case, right? The booty shorts were a Lycra/Spandex blend. NOT cotton. Cottons sticks to other fabrics and you have a mess of static and clothes bunching up, etc....

You are the parent. You put the underwear on her and swat her if she takes them off. That's me. I'm the parent not a negotiator.

You sound like a push over. Sorry. You're the mom and you pick her clothes. Either she wears pants and snug fitted shorts or she wears underwear and does not take them off.

No need to home school her. YOU ARE THE PARENT, be the parent. She has no say in this. Period.

She has 2 choices now-pants or dresses, make it 1 choice until she decides to wear underwear every single day. You take all the dresses and skirts out of her room so there are no other choices but pants and TIGHT fitting shorts that don't flop around when she is upside down.

Well this is pretty easy to me.
"I am sure that not wearing underwear feels great!!
But that's part of the rules when we leave the house.
So....if you wear underwear we can leave the house (and go to _________!)
but if you do not want to wear underwear then we need to stay at home. Your choice!"

Then you do it. She doesn't need to be shamed. Wearing underwear SUCKS! Right?! Seriously, so much more comfortable without it (and BRAS for that matter, amirightladies)! You just shrug your shoulders and let her make that decision. Might mean you all are staying in the house for a couple of weeks, but she is going to get bored. She will want to see friends, go shopping, play outside, ANYTHING...and then you just repeat, "are you wearing underwear?! Lets see!" and if she is, out you go...if she's not, "oh honey. Sorry! You forgot your underwear! When you put some on we can go."
You are going to have to be firm. But if SHE makes the decision to wear the underwear it's going to be a lot easier then if you are forcing it.

Just buy a couple pairs of shorts she can wear under dresses.

I don't wear underwear most of the time. I don't see why anyone at any age needs to if they don't want. There just seems to be some sexualized opinions out there that make this idea "inappropriate" (your church...seriously? shame on them.)

I bought my daughter some little biker shorts so she wasn't exposing herself when she plays. She doesn't wear underwear underneath them, and I don't bother fighting the battle anymore.