My 5 1/2 Yr Old Is Driving Me Crazy

Kinder takes a lot out of a little guy. He is good in school. That is great. When he gets home he lets down his hair so to speak. He is being a,perfectly normal 5 1/2 year old. School is hard work.

I don't see a problem. Mine is always getting poor behavior marks at school for not paying attention and talking, and is falling behind in academics, like reading.

At home he's a ball of energy. Pants like an animal, bounces off walls, won't read, runs...today he ran into a wall and has a HUGE bruise. He's just like on fire!

If he just ignored me, life would be so easy!

Your Husband, is right.

Kids are at "work" all day, at school. Being on task/listening even if tired or hungry/following direction and doing many things, all day.
When they come home after school, they OFTEN need to deflate.
Which means, just gelling and relaxing. Much like an adult needs to do after a long hard active day at work.
But kids are younger. But they too have a long, day. So, they do when they come home, need to unwind.
When my kids come home from school, I do not expect them to fit into a rigid routine right away, nor exactly. I let them.... unwind. Deflate. Relax. Before I start giving them orders or things to do. And my son (who is 6), will actually tell me, in a NICE way as much as he can muster "Mommy, I just need quiet now... please. I'm tired. I just got home..."
My daughter just zones out too, tired.
I let my kids, just relax after school.
They need, that.
Then, once they get refreshed and have relaxed in their own way and had a snack... then they do homework and carry on.

A child cannot be on task, spot on, exactly doing things exactly... all day and all night. At some point... a child NEEDS to just be, and just do, relaxing non-thinking things and to have their own time for it.
Everyone does. Even adults.
Everyone needs, a time to just deflate.

With my kids I know their cues. When they are being short, unintentionally... I KNOW they just need to be let be.
I will also tell them "I know you are tired and need to unwind. You just got out of school. Let me know when you feel better..." and I let them just relax. By telling them this, they ALSO learn that *I* know too and that this is how it can be communicated. And it is not a battle.
Likewise, when *I* am tired/burnt out and my cup is full or beyond full... I will tell my kids "Mommy is tired and I need some time to just do nothing... please give me a 1/2 hour." And they do.
It is a 2 way street.

Think about it: ALL day and ALL night, kids are told what to do or not and they are expected to be perfect in everything. We Moms get tired of saying it and the kids get tired of hearing it, too. As Moms with kids... "hearing" them all day it can be hard too. And I know that we too, can "tune out" our kids. Our ears and minds, get so FULL of kids too, telling us what they want or not or what to do or just from their everyday noise.
Right?
So for a kid, that has less maturity than us adults... they too need down time.
Just like, us. So we need to know, their cues.

My late Dad used to say: If a child cannot unwind AT home... then WHERE can they? The home and the parents needs to be, that place.

You can help your child, by teaching him HOW to say... he needs to unwind. Just tell him. And so he knows, it is not a "bad" thing to need... and that it is not a "bad" thing to tell you and express to you.
I taught my kids that. They will communicate that to me and my Husband. It also teaches self-reliance and self-awareness.

Also: make sure your son is getting enough sleep.
If not, they get like this too, and can't function in school or once at home.
Inattention is also a sign of lack of sleep.

My daughter summed it up after about a month in kinder (she was the same way): "I'm just tired of making good choices" Your husband is right. He's worn out from following rules.

When I need my daughter to pay attention, I touch her shoulder or the top of her head and make sure we have eye contact...

School is hard.

When they are concentrating on something else, they hear nothing going on around them.
So in order to cut down on the repeating yourself, get his attention before you tell him anything - have him look you in the face, say to him want you want him to hear, then have him repeat it back to you.
Sometimes it takes turning the tv off, putting the toy down, come here and stand in front of me, look me in the face (each eliminates distractions) and when you have his FULL attention, you won't have to repeat yourself as often.
Keep instructions simple.
"Clean up your room" is too general and not specific enough.
Break it down to "put your cars in their box"
and when that is done "put your books on the shelf"
and when that is done "put your socks in the hamper", etc.
It's really common.

Welcome to the leftovers. He has given his best during the school day and you get the leftovers of his energy and concentration. Believe it or not, that's what you give him. You give your best time and concentration during the day and he gets what's left of your patience. Try to work together.

I tell my kids that school IS work for them. In the past they have seen me stressed out from school or work, so they appreciate the fact that I acknowledge their effort. They can let me know if they've had a paticuarly rough day and need some alone time. Our first grader is almost always cranky after school. When I reprimanded her for it one day she said"wouldn't you rather I do it at home then at school."
Anyway, sometimes I find all we need is a good laugh together to reconnect. Maybe if you talk to him he can recommend what would help.

I hear you. Oh, boy, do I hear you.

One thing that has really helped me a lot is to practice 'connection, then direction/correction' (whichever is necessary). This means that instead of giving my son (same age) a direction cold, I go over to him, put a hand on his shoulder, and find out what he's doing. THEN, after I've made a connection with him and given him an acknowledgment of what's important in that moment to him, only THEN do I give a direction or a correction. This seems to work a lot better for us.

I do also prep him to repeat things, too. "I'll say it to you and you say it back to me: 'It's time to get my shoes on.'"

Sometimes, if I see that it's an avoidance (he suspects he might be asked to complete a task, etc.), then I'll gently guide him away from what he's doing and ask him to 'sit in this chair until you are ready to hear me/ready to do what I ask.' Sometimes, after having connected, physically removing them from their preferred distraction can help.

None of these work ALL the time, and there are times that logical consequences are instructive ("Oh, yeah! I guess you can't have your dinner because you forgot to set the table. Go ahead and fix that now." with a smile.) I have a kid who is sometimes really on another planet, and I do think it's the overload of school. Do make sure your son has some unscheduled time after school each day if possible. (I don't think it's a question of overscheduling, however, as a nanny I noticed that even half-day kindergarten kids can end up being 'wiped' and needing a quiet time or nap after school, or some quiet playtime alone. They did a lot better on the days we could ensure this.)

Touch him and say, "I need you to listen to my words."

Or tell him, "John, look at my eyes and listen with your ears.". then tell him what you need to tell him..

Your husband is correct. Your son holds it together all day at school, at home he can relax and not have to be "on" at every moment.

You just need to train him for home.. It is like Charlie Brown.. the adults are always giving orders, asking questions.. after a while, They get good at tuning us out.

In our home, we also do not yell across the house. (not that you do) We walk to the person to speak with them.. We have always done this.. This is how we make sure they hear us.

I think your husband has a good point too. That being said he still needs to listen to you!!!
How much video games and tv does he watch - that can impact real-world focus also.
We have a routine after school, empty backpacks and lunchboxes, then they get until dinner time to decompress with tv or playing. No video games during the week for us. In my experience, kids always have the worst behavior at home because that's where they feel comfortable.
And although it requires more effort on your part, make sure to use you feet and get in front of him when talking or telling him to do something, don't yell it out from the other room. That usually ends up just being a waste of time and makes you frustrated.
Honestly, sounds like normal 5 yr old behavior. You could also try dropping in a favorite key word like ICE CREAM to try and get his attention!

I think your hubby is right. This is something that is VERY obvious in kids that have autism spectrum issues - not that your kid does, BUT if it's something that is WORSE in the spectrum kids, it wouldn't surprise me if ALL kids need to decompress when they come home. As adults, we do it and take it for granted. Our kids are basically "at work" just like we are, it's just called SCHOOL. Maybe give him some time to relax when he gets home and then see what happens :)

Your husband is right.

But I feel you and it is hard. I have one boy like this, my youngest (out of 6 boys, he is by far the worst at this)...he recently came home with a library book that was all about this, it was called "Listen buddy" (I think?) and it was about a rabbit that had the same issue, listening but not hearing...so now when my youngest is not paying attention and I have to repeat myself, I say "Listen Buddy"...and he is starting to get it...a little. It's a cute book and might be worth looking for?

Sounds like you have no structure at home and is not consistent with discipline. He is not taking you seriously because he might sense you are not.

A small snack when he gets home, then immediately a nap/rest for at least 30 minutes to one hour. If he gets up acting up....he needs more rest (perhaps more nap time or an earlier bed time). In addition, does he have a balanced diet or any other health issues that need to be addressed?

This is a huge issue for my autistic daughter. She's typically a very good girl, but on her more difficult school days she has more trouble at home. We've realized that she "used up" her allotment for coping while at school and when she gets home she's in her safe place to detox and not have to worry about other people judging her or getting into Big Trouble. It's a lot of pressure.

The same could be said for my other daughters but on a smaller scale. As the girls get older they learn to modify this a little better each year. When they're not so good at modifying the attitude or behavior, then they get to spend some quality time alone in their room. I tell them to get reacquainted with themselves and to do a fun, relaxing activity like coloring or playing with some modeling clay.

With my autistic daughter I take out her "sensory kit" and have her do some sensory activities and feed her sensory diet. She seeks out alone time and so I also let her have as much alone time as she needs.

Children behave at school because:
the expectations are reasonable for their age group and carefully explained
they follow a routine which helps them feel comfortable, they know what those routines are
the rules are VERY consistent and they know what the rules are
No teacher gives out directions in the middle of recess, free play time, center time quiet reading time or (TV computer time) those activities are stopped, and children are drawn back into a "listening time" seated at tables or on the rug. Signals and warnings are given to end these self directed times.
Try to pretend for a while that you are a kindergarten teacher. Establish some routines. Give your child a lot of "quiet time" after a long day at school, then have a special place where you sit together at the kitchen counter or table or couch and talk and expect his attention. Make an illustrated set of direction, like a checklist for morning and evening routines and instead of asking him to brush his teeth and put on his clothes, direct him back to his checklist and have him check off his responsibilities as he goes. This will be more work for you for a while, but worth it in the long run!