My 4 Yr Old's Attitude Is Horrible

The problem with "explaining the words he should use instead" type theories, is that they assume the source of the swearing is not knowing what he should say instead. hello. He knows what he "should" say, he wants to swear and there is no effective deterrent. Time outs for 4 year old boys rarely matter. I mean I get it, they're a "school" so they can't REALLY discipline him, nor should they have to.

I think your gut is correct. You haven't been strict enough. Be firm, and double up the consequences until it's worth it to him to control his language. This won't get easier at five or six, so clamp down now! This book is great for boys this age, Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

My son is four, and if I heard he was swearing at school, the first time, he'd get a warning and I'd letting him know I would check with the teacher every day to make sure he was talking nicely. Anymore swearing and he'd have a good spanking when he got home. If that didn't work, the next time it would be good spanking plus time out in his room with NO TOYS. Next time, those two things PLUS favorite toy or activity removed..etc adding onto that as it went. But my son does NOT swear because this happened one or two times when he was three, and he knows the results would never be different. He is capable of a really venomous, "DANG IT!" though.

He hears swearing all the time. So did I as a kid. It has no bearing on what he's allowed to say as a child. Will he swear when he's older out of ear shot of adults? Who doesn't?! At least he'll KNOW it's not nice and he'll have impulse control not to do it in public and around people who would be offended. I cant' STAND the little kids running around swearing today. Yuck. My friends and I were way too scared of our parents to pull that nonsense. Good work taking this seriously.

Set an example with your language and don't expose him to swearing under any circumstances. To me, that's the best way to avoid this problem all together...but you CAN move forward and change what he's being exposed to, and REALLY stress how awful it is to use dirty language. And you'd be surprised where you can find nasty language...apparently, PG movies allow swearing now.

My 3 y/o was kicked out of day care because of her “behavior”, best thing that happened to us. Without going into too much detail about her situation she was getting picked on and wasn’t being engaged enough. Now we have a new sitter and if we have issues the consequences are the same regardless of where the behavior was displayed. It might pay to make a few surprise visits. I showed up early on a few occasions during her final weeks and witnessed the older boys playing keep away with the provider doing nothing to intervene. We trust that the people who are taking care of our kids can hone into the underlying issue but we as parents are the ones who really must figure it out

I would try approaching this in a positive manner. You say that he needs to learn other ways to express himself when he is upset. You need to teach him these - model them yourself, give him the words to express what is wrong and practice with him. Assume that he is doing the best he can but he is only 4. He doesn't have all the tools he needs yet, his impulse control is limited and his feelings are big.

For 'bad' words, I told my son that these were grown up words/words that hurt feelings/words that were rude and then tried to get him to tell me why he said the word' so something like ' stupid is a very stong word, it hurts feelings - you are mad that you can't use the markers first?

Some 'bad' words they say because they are funny - 'fart' for instance. You can do several things - give them situations when it is ok to say the word (yeah, you're not going to get your 4 year old to think gas is not funny), situations (school, restaurants, grandma's) where the term is 'passed gas' or whatever you want and you can calmly correct the term and move on (if he doesn't get a reaction - positive or negative- the game is no longer fun).

Ask him why he is not listening. And ask him how you and the teacher can help him listen better. Maybe the kid he sits next to makes faces and distracts him. Maybe he doesn't hear what the teacher says clearly (he may need to watch the teacher closely while she is talking), maybe he needs his eyes checked and needs glasses.

Some children only listen well if they have a personal connection with the speaker. Does the teacher greet each child individually when they arrive and make eye contact when they speak to the kids? Most experienced teachers do. Some newer teachers assume the kids will/should listen just because they are the teacher. At my son's Montessori kindergarten, the children say good morning to each teacher, make eye contact and shake hands when they arrive in the morning and when they leave in the afternoon. When the teacher wants their attention, she looks at a child and uses his/her name. When a child is squirmy/not paying attention in circle, she uses his name to get his attention.

How much active time do the kids get? It is not realistic for us to expect all 4 year olds to sit quietly for 60 minutes at a time. They do not have the attention span for this.

is he in a team sport? Emmy went to a birthday party at a Karate place and then a sample class and the first half of class is about respect for yourself and others and they all seemed to listen to the "sensais---is that what theyre called?) they even said if the kids are in the class and behave bad at school or home they want the parents to tell them and they will go over it with them and take away karate privlidges. My daughter always listened to her coaches more than M. when in a sport and it helped at home a lot too. Maybe try that? Also if my daughter is bad at home her conseuqences grow more than J. time outs---putting away barbies for the night, throwing away a favorite piece of candy...

I didn't see anything in your question about coaching him on how to respond when he's upset, just that he gets a consequence. If you're doing this, please disregard this suggestion.

Consequences are definitely good! He also, though, needs some help figuring out how to express himself when he's upset.

You said "he knows...he needs to learn other words to express himself..." have you given him some words he can use? Feeling words? Funny words?

No matter the age, simply telling someone what NOT to do won't help them learn what TO do. When he gets upset at home and responds innappropriately, give him the consequence but also help him explore and understand what he's feeling and give him words he can use instead. Keep at it and he'll start to use the more appropriate response. It doesn't sound like he's intentionally defiant, just that he doesn't have another way of expressing himself.

oh my i think we have the same child ( but i have a 4 year old daughter who will be 5 in march). she doesnt get sent home with notes but her at home attitude is horrid!. shes at the your not the boss of me thing. theres some days where i think my 4 year old is bipolar. the best way i deal with it is i make her sit in her room until she is ready to act right. there is no time limit its totally up to her on how long she will be in her room.

If this is a C. in his normal behavior, I'd be a little suspicious that there is something about school that is upsetting him. My kids usually save that kind of behavior for home and act like angels at school.

At this point, I'd say a good long talk with his teachers is in order. Maybe he is being bullied. Or maybe he is really bored. You might want to think about enrolling him in another preschool in the fall and wait another year for kindergarten. He may need more time to mature. School should be a fun and positive experience for kids this age. Where I live, a lot of parents red shirt their kids--especially the boys. Maybe putting him in a different preschool will help get him ready for kindergarten. Good luck to you. This must be very stressful.

Please check out 123 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan. It's simple, can be used at home and at school, and does a great job of helping kids make the connection between actions and consequences. I've used it with my own kids as well as children I work with that have diagnosed behavior problems.

I have the same problems with my 4 yr old daughter, and I think the xmas break for 2 weeks only made matters worse. I agree with one of the other posts in teaching your son other language to express his feelings. At my daughter's pre-school, they are teaching just that, ways to deal with anger & words that express their anger. Their is ALOT of emphasis on feelings in her school. We don't do time out's here either, they don't work. Instead we've found taking her babies (stuffed animals) away after a warning & counting to 3 works, and also taking away privledges (like computer time). She earns back these things when she is told something ONCE and listens. It took about a week to sink in & we had to stick to it, and now, she gets it. Also, could the school possibly be a bad fit for your son? My daughter was in a very strict pre-school to start with & was miserable, I changed schools and she's improved. I'd spend a little time in the class if your schedule allows & see what the atmosphere is like. Good luck, this age is tough!