My 4 Month Old Uses Me as a Pacifier and Can't Fall Asleep Without Nursing First

I read in Parenting magazine, try to replace breast with another comforting object such as a hand sized blankie. I never tried it, though the author of the article did with an older baby.

All breastfed babies nurse to sleep as the natural norm. The boobie isn't just food - it means that mom is close and they draw confidence and security from nursing with their mommy. And EVENTUALLY, they all will naturally wean themselves from the tatas. Do not space the feedings - you will decrease your milk and he is young for that.

Pacifiers can reduce your milk supply - if he is sucking on a pacifier, he isn't sucking on you. If he isn't nursing on you, then he isn't triggering your body to make more milk. Basic a very exact supply and demand that very often gets screwed up by bottles and binkies.

I would wear him. Get a BabyHawk or Moby Wrap (the only 2 I would recommend for nursing moms) and wear him. He will fall asleep on you, but your arms will be free to cook, play with your son, etc. You can even nurse him in either. This is how humans have done it from the dawn of time (you couldn't exactly leave the baby in the cave to play with the toddler outdoors - he could get eaten!). Third World countries still rely heavily on wearing their babies.

I teach babywearing for hospitals, midwives and doulas. I also help postnatal moms with breastfeeding issues. I run the 80 member Cape Cod Breastfeeding Moms Group on facebook. Feel free to join up with us!

BabyHawk: http://www.mymammasmilk.com/BABYHAWK.html

Moby: http://www.mymammasmilk.com/MOBY.html

I agree with the 2 gentler approaches. I nursed my daughter until she was 3 1/2 years old. Yes, extended nursing!! She was a little on the needy side like your little one. I solved the problem with co-sleeping and baby wearing. I used the sling for times when I wanted/needed to be awake and moving around, not laying in bed cuddling and co-slept so I could get some sleep at night without having to really wake up to feed. With the sling I had at the time I found I could put her down in the sling and then slide out of the sling myself. The sling then became a blanket. It didn't disturb her and she would sleep by herself for a while.
Pacifiers will reduce your milk supply. The way you maintain your milk supply is by allowing your little one to nurse on demand, even if it is just comfort.
Nursing is not just nutrition. It is an entirely unique and special relationship you develop with your child. The whole point of nursing, aside from basic nutrition, is to develop a special bond with your baby.
Try the baby wearing and see what happens! And yes Dr. Sears and the "No Cry Sleep Solution" are awesome resources!
Good luck!!

Yes, he is absolutely too young to try to Ferberize (commonly referred to as cry it out). It is not recommended to begin any kind of Ferber method until baby is at least 6 months old and even then you'd never catch me doing that to one of my babies. Babies have to be taught how to sleep. They don't automatically know how and leaving them to cry on their own doesn't teach them a thing about sleep. It teaches them I'm here on my own and no one will come to help me. It also causes stress hormones to flood their little systems. Not a fan of cry it out in any way shape or form!

I have to respectfully disagree with Dawn B. You can not say that a breastfeeding 4 month old doesn't need feedings at night. Breastfed babies are hungry when they are hungry and that includes the middle of the night. Some breastfed babies don't really make it thru the night until they are weaned. That's just part of the game. Breastmilk is digested and used much more efficiently than formula and that's why breastfed babies need to eat more frequently. Breastfeeding is about feeding on demand so no you can't space the feedings out more unless you want a screaming baby lol!

Here's an invaluable trick I learned from the No Cry Sleep Solution book. Once he gets to sleep via nursing you gently put your pinky in the corner of his mouth to break the seal and then pop your finger under his chin to keep it closed. It worked amazingly well for both of my exclusively breastfed babies! And don't nurse him to sleep in your bed. Get a comfy chair for his room and nurse him up there. Let him get good and asleep like 10 mins into the sleep cycle and then stay very close to him when you put him down so he doesn't get that falling feeling. Also you might try swaddling him for nap time. Both my kids liked to be swaddled until they were 6 and 5 months old.

You need to develop a consistent routine for nap and bed time. That's the key. That's how baby learns what to expect and what is expected. Not to say that you won't have some tears but you wont' be leaving him to just cry on his own. I highly recommend checking out Dr. Sears, The baby whisperer and No-cry sleep solution. All have great info that you can use to put together a routine that you feel comfortable with and that is good for baby.

And please don't leave your 4 month old in your bed alone. It only takes a second for them to wind up on the floor. I learned this the hard way with my second. And I felt horrible for days and days.

I think you can do a few things. First, I would recommend the book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I think it has a lot of good advice. I also nursed my first every 2 hours until he was about 4 months old and I was exhausted. Around that time I started doing a couple things. #1 I started to schedule his feedings 3 hours apart, at first he protested but he caught on pretty quick, I just tried to distract him with other things it helps to have your husband around when you start this (maybe on a weekend?) so someone besides you is there to soothe. I offered a pacifier at this point and he took it pretty well but I know every baby doesn't like them. Eventually we went to a 4 hour schedule which I think helped him learn to eat more at each nursing so he could start going longer at night. #2 I started cry it out at first JUST for naps. I would nurse him, rock him, and put him down in his bed. It was hit or miss for a while but eventually he got it and he never cried for very long. There are lots of ways to do cry it out but for my baby it was best not to go back in because it upset him more. Some babies are ok if you go in every 5-10 min and pat, etc but don't pick them up. I think starting with naps is good because you can distract yourself with other things and not stress about it and you aren't exhausted like you are at night so you are less likely to give up. #3 Swaddle. It may sound strange to start swaddling a 4 month old but it helped me to swaddle, then nurse, then put him down. That way he still had that tight, snug, warm feeling. Not all kids like being swaddled (I just had a second and he hates it) but it might work, it worked magic w/ my first. #4 start night weaning. I started this after we got naps down pretty well. I started by when he cried at night I would go in to his room and comfort him three times, binkie, rock, pat, etc. but not feed. If I had to do it more than 3 times or if I could really tell he was just super hungry THEN I nursed him, but I didn't let it be my first response any more. I tried to push him back a half hour, then an hour and eventually I got it so I was only nursing him at 10 before I went to bed and at 6 and once I got this down within a month or so he was totally sleeping through the night after doing a little cry it out at night.

Other things I did-- started having my husband put the baby to bed with a bottle of pumped milk. I didn't want to be the only one who could get him to sleep. My husband struggled with this but eventually they found their own little routine and it was so nice to have a break a few nights a week and to be able to go out and know that my husband would have no problem putting the baby down.

I do think that sometimes we think the breast is the only way to soothe our babies and then we get sort of stuck in that but there ARE other ways to soothe.

Personally, I would put him in his own room immediately. I bet it won't take as long as you think or be nearly as traumatic as you think for him to start sleeping in there. I would guess if you start to develop a night time routine, nurse, rock, etc. and put him down in there then go in to comfort and reassure him that you are still there he will be fine in there within a couple nights.

This is totally normal! Breastfed babies like to suck to sleep. That's why bottlefed babies had pacifiers invented for them. ;)

There is a whole book dedicated to removing that suck-to-sleep association, and for help with getting baby to sleep a bit longer at night. "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. She has great advice for continuing to breastfeed and for either getting baby out of the bed, or making the bed a safer place for baby. I can't recommend the book enough.

If you do welcome baby (safely) into your bed temporarily so you all can get some rest, know that you aren't the only one to do so. Our son slept in our bed off and on for the whole first year because we all slept better that way. I found that when my husband and I were RESTED we were much kinder to one another, and we were able to find other ways/places to be intimate. Sometimes our son would go to his crib for a few hours so we could have alone time before he woke for his first nursing, sometimes we would go visit the bedroom floor or other parts of the house and leave babe resting in the bedroom on his own.

Do whatever works best for you, your baby, and your partner. My husband really cherishes those close months from when our baby was small. He still remembers being woken up by tiny little hands and wouldn't have traded anything for that kind of bonding...

He's only four months old. He needs to nurse on demand, including nursing to sleep. I agree with trying wearing him in a wrap or sling so that you can attend to your older child; or nursing in a chair rather than the bed. I absolutely disagree with any kind of sleep training.

Updated

I let my daughter nurse to sleep. Eventually she did learn to sleep on her own, so don't worry about bad "habits." Children grow and change all the time. Do what is best for you and remember your baby is doing this because he loves you and is feeling comforted by you.

Can you put the crib next to your bed and lower the side? Or try a co-sleeper? As far as nap time during the day, have you tried wearing your baby in a sling? You can nurse your baby in the sling, let him sleep in the sling, and go about your business.

Don't space feedings - infants should be breastfed on demand. They instinctively know what they need, when, and how much.

Good luck!

My son was the same. We finally got through it, but it did take a long time. I have no real suggestions for doing this, you just have to try different things (and retry), and at some point you will find one that works for all of you at the same time.

Nursing every couple of hours at 4 months is good, you should always nurse on demand, and it sounds like you are doing fine with that. Since you feel you have a sleep problem (which is what my husband and I felt as well), you should try to fix it, it will save your sanity. I wouldn't let him cry it out though, we tried getting my son to sleep in his crib at that age, it didn't work (we didn't let him CIO). When he was finally ready, he did start to sleep in his own crib (maybe 7 months old), but as with all things related to babies, it didn't last long. We have to start over every month or so (he's now 18 months), since he gets sick, is teething, or just gets out of whack. Do what feels right for all of you, even if it takes some time, it will work out.

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You may have already tried this, but have you tried giving him a pacifier after breaking him off? By now you probably have a good idea of when he's truly eating because he's hungry versus comfort sucking. And while that's a great part of BF'ing, you need your sleep and your bed. :) If nursing is going well and he has established a good latch, there's no reason not to try a pacifier. I used to wait until my daughter would drop me, then root and whine because she still wanted to keep sucking, and then I would pop in the paci, then transfer her to the crib. It was one of the tricks that helped me get her napping. Thank goodness she found her thumb so she doesn't bother with it anymore... also, she's still nursing at 7 months despite the paci and thumb sucking.

I also agree that you should stop nursing him in your bed and develop a routine that you stick to like crazy. Can you nurse him in a comfy chair with the room totally ready for naptime/bedtime? I used to nurse my daughter with the lights out, sound machine on and in her sleep sack so the transition to the crib was easier.

I personally don't think 4 mo is too young for a little CIO. We used it at about 4.5/5 months old... Do what you feel comfortable with and trust your gut on that one.

Good luck!

Sounds like nursing is not the issue, but the co sleeping. Why not nurse him in a chair w/a boppy pillow, then lay him in his crib?

hi,im a mom of two beautiful children and have kind of experience obout this because i breastfeed bout of them.so when the babies are breastfeeding they are so close with you because that is the special moment for the baby and they did not want to stop that :)they enjoy when are on the brest,so and you but is diferent when u have another littel one in the house,the babies dont know much so u need to spend more time with ur yungest one.and i think your baby need a pacifier so after is done with eating u'll give him pacifier so he can continue to sleep.its going to be hard till he got use on that but is going to be easy for you.now ur baby is four mos so breasfeeding is not more than 15 min. after that paciefire and dont leave him in ur bad that's soo wrong cause after that they dont want they'r own bad!!
plus if he is not geting up so often during the night u can leave him in his room(not in basenet next to you) and that's how u can have privacy in ur badroom :)
good luck honney ..

Nursing is definitely different than bottle feeding. Do NOT put him on a schedule. YOU NEED TO NURSE ON DEMAND. You can not use your breast to soothe him too much (at least not at this age......)

Our second was the same as yours. Used me as a pacifier all the time. But, it was really convenient when we were out and about because I was always available and could't loose his "nuk"! LOL. Our daughter was about 2 1/4 when our son was born. So, the 3 of us would nap on the couch together. (Had a sectional so it was big enough.) I would lay down and nurse the baby to sleep and our daughter would have her head right next to mine and the 3 of us would fall asleep happy as can be!

I pretty much always nursed him to sleep. (Nursed till he was 18 months.) However, we have a Kolcraft bassinet with a LIGHTED MOBILE that worked wonders. Has to have the lighted mobile. So I would lay him in there after he fell asleep and if he would wake up, just push the button and he would watch the soft lights till he fell back asleep. When he woke for his first night feeding, we would co-sleep the rest of the night. I would be in the middle because my husband was scared he'd roll on top of the baby. I would pillows along the end of the bed and sleep with him in my arms.

Don't worry too much. Once this stage is over, you will miss it...... You're going a great job by nursing your child and attending to his needs.

N.,

When I read your post title I thought, "sure he can, you just have to show him how!"

I've read the replies so I won't make this long...

I have a 6 month old who has been breast fed also. I also have two older children. We have used a "modified" CIO that I feel is a nice way to train them to sleep on their own. Here's what helped us with our little guy...

I nurse when he wakes up NOT before he goes to sleep. By doing this, not only are you retraining him, but you will also know when he's tired, because you can rule out hunger. At your sons age he should be able to stay awake about 90 minutes at a time. So start with the first morning wake up. Feed him when he wakes, sitting on a couch or chair NOT in bed anymore. Then keep him awake. At about 60-90 minutes awake start watching him for signs of getting tired. As soon as he starts staring off into space, slowing down, eye rubbing, yawning, etc. you KNOW it's because he's tired. Now start a "naptime routine". Whatever you plan to do EVERY TIME he gets tired. Don't give in to nursing him - that's cheating. I'd suggest rocking in a chair, maybe with a sound machine or soothing music on. You can even let your 2 yr old be in the room with you. Then put the baby down awake. He's going to cry, but you KNOW he's safe. Put away laundry, keep walking in and out of his room so he can see you, talk to him, but don't PAY ATTENTION to him. If his fussing/cries turn into SCREAMS, pick him up, pat his back, shush him and as soon as he settles down, put him in his crib again. Do this over and over and over until he "passes out" from tiredness. If he doesn't pass out, and seems "awake", then take him back downstairs and start all over again...let him stay up. Skip that nap. If you're sure he's awake, feed him and wait 60-90 minutes again.

That's it. That's the pattern. Do this consistently, as best you can. And you WILL retrain him not to nurse to sleep.

At night, sit in a chair to nurse him. Then put him right back down in his crib and walk out. Again, if the fussing escalates to screaming, console him, without nursing again, and put him back down.

It makes for a long weekend, but once they get it, it's such a relief!

Email me if you like. I'm happy to help. Been there - done that, just a month or so ago.

So, I agree that you shouldn't use the "cry it out" method as some others moms said, but I do understand how you feel with losing intimacy.
I think its GREAT to let your little one fall asleep on the breast- it gives them nurturing and security.
However, you also need at least a LITTLE alone time with hubby!!!
We solved the problem by having our son's crib in our room. At four months I would still breastfeed to sleep (or at least close to sleep), but then I would walk out and see what happens. If your little one cries, wait one or two minutes and then go in, cuddle and kiss but don't feed (especially if you JUST did it).
He'll understand then that you are still there and love him, and he'll start the process of being able to put himself to sleep.
Good luck, and I think it's SO awesome that you are breastfeeding and feel so good and strongly about it. I'm still breastfeeding my little guy (15 months), and its made our bond stronger than anything. :)

Absolutely you cannot CIO on a baby this young. I don't agree with CIO, but especially not on a young baby.

I think what you need to do is get him to nurse in a different position. I nursed my boys sitting up EXCEPT for the early morning feeding (like 3am or 4am) I brought them into our bed to nurse so I could continue to sleep. That way when my youngest was nursing I could nurse him on the couch by my then 3.5yr old.

Introduce a lovey for him, a small stuffed animal or a blanket, that he can hold while nursing, to help transition from nursing to alone time sleeping.

Also, get a sling! It was a lifesaver for us when our youngest was little and not yet sleeping very well on his own. IT kept him close and calm, and it kept me on the move with our oldest.

But dont' worry about it. My boys both nursed to sleep forever (my youngest until he was almost 2) and both of my boys are excellent sleepers with no sleep problems at all. You can't over use your breast. Its there for a reason. Invest in a sling (we used a Hotsling) and find a new position to nurse in (sitting up, on the couch or a chair) and keep at it. You are doing great. :)

HI N.,
I'm sure this is a difficult situation to be in. I know your baby is so young, but he really needs to learn to fall asleep on his own. That's where sleep training comes in. I have a great on-line book called "Sleep Sense Program". I can send it to you if you want (and anyone else who might need it) This book really helped my family figure things out and showed me what I was doing wrong and how to fix it. My email is ____@____.com
I hope to hear from you soon.
M.