My 3 Year Old Comes Home with Bit Marks and Scratches

hi M. here we moved to kalamazoo last november and it took me 3 different daycare ladies to find the right one. personally I would have taken my child out... one time is an accident now it just seems careless. at this one daycare my son was at he came home with bruises and bites. because of the d-ladys son. my son towards the end would scream and cry terrible. i dont know where white lake is but a lady in Mattawan is wonderful i loved her she really looks after the kids and not my son was never upset to go their... so i would keep looking and find someone else....

As soon as I had another care place all lined up, we switched when my 3 yr old daughter experienced the same thing. It was so frustrating. The biting kid was her 1st cousin, so that made family stuff really awkward, but I had to put my kids first and save my sanity. P.

I agree with Sue. While I know some kids bite/scratch, etc, if it were my daughter, I'd consider my other options and probably move her.

good luck.

I know this is a hard decision, but what matters most is the safety of your child. He is not able to defend himself so you must do it for him. Personally I would remove my child immediatly. I used to work in a Daycre and it was our policy to document all incidents and explain how they happened. As a parent I would suggest you do the same. And I would document all conversations with your caregiver. This sounds extreeme but it will help you remember exactaly everything that was said. If your still not sure about removing your child you should surprise your caregiver with a visit at the daycare. Stay for an hour or two and observe. Seeing how the other children interact and how your caregiver interacts with the children may answer your question.

There are really two ways to look at this. In the end, you need to examine the situation, and follow your instincts.

The first way to look at this is that it's a temporary situation. The "biter" is going through a phase, and it won't last forever. If you generally feel good about the care your child is receiving, there is no need to remove him. There are "biters" at daycare centers, too. They're obligated to report incidents to you (and the "biter" has more potential victims to choose from), but there is no guarantee your child won't be bitten or scratched just as often at a center. Unfortunately, it just goes with the toddlerhood territory.

The other way to look at this is that it's one of the drawbacks of an in-home daycare situation. They're often watching their own children along with yours, and they MAY (not always) let their own children get away with behavior that you wouldn't tolerate. As others have pointed out, they also don't have to follow the same strict regulations. They're not obligated to report incidents, so when you see bite marks and scratches, you question what's going on.

Personally, I have my children in a professional day care center. I had my oldest in an in-home situation for a few months, but I removed her. I feel like I have more control this way. I know they're not being plopped in front of a TV all day. I know they're only eating what I pack. I know the teachers can lean on each other when they get frustrated or burned-out. I know my children are engaging in organized learning and crafts. And I don't have to work around someone else's illnesses and vacations.

Lastly, I'm sure you've already done this, but talk to your son about it. Teach him to be assertive, and tell this girl to stop hurting him. It truly helps to curb the behavior.

Good luck to you!

M.,

Remove him now! Your son's health and well being come before anything. You want him in a healthy, encouraging, learning environment. If the daycare provider cannot control her own children how can she provided appropriate care for your child? Plus, time that should be spend doing educational activities, etc, is probably being spend discipling her child. Children learn behavior-- you don't want your child to start biting, hitting, etc.

As you probably know, home daycares are not subject to the same strict policies and inspections as daycare centers are. And therefore, you can never been 100% sure what it is going on. My son attends Kindercare in Sterling Heights, which I love, but it is his 3rd daycare. We pulled him out of the last one because I went to pick him up one day and the staff ratio was off and I found cleaning supplies in his reach. Once you lose trust in your daycare you have to move him. You can't focus at work because you will be worried about what is happening to him.

I don't believe that the bitting policies at daycares are as strict as one of the Mom's indicated. I know that at Brendan's daycare you get a note if someone bites your child (and that child's parent gets a note) if it becomes a regular occurrence they take further actions. Brendan has been bitten 2x by different children-- but it never broke the skin and I couldn't actually see the mark. Younger kids sometimes bite when teething...but three year olds bite out of frustration and aggression. Which leads you to wonder if this 3 year is getting enough positive attention. I don't know if different steps are taken if a child breaks the skin (you have to bite pretty darn hard to even leave a mark).

I would check in with your pediatrian if the skin is broken...

Anyway, good luck. (FYI-- I love the Kindercare program and encourage you to check it out if you move your son. The Kindercare by me in Sterling Heights is having an open house from 6:30-8:30 on Tuesday--if you want more information let me know. I'm guessing there is a center closer to you though).

I totally rhink you should remove your child from that place since you tried everything and they will not fix the problem.

Not only would I remove my child from that daycare, I would also report her to the Department of Human Resources. Most daycares have a strict policy on biting to include the child being sent home for the 1st offense and subsequently being removed from that daycare if the biting continues. By the 3rd offense, the child is expelled (in lack of a better word) from that daycare.

DHS will investigate that daycare if the biting is reported. Which in my opinion it should be reported. I would also be taking pictures of the child to submit as part of my report.

The medical implications from receiving an open wound from biting is not worth bargaining over, especially when it comes to your child. Just think what is happening to to receive so many wounds? I, as an adult, would not like to live a life where I'm consistently getting stratched or bitten let alone being a semi defenseless 3 year old.

I have 9 kids in my house ranging from the ages of 1 year to 13 years old. If one of my kids came home with marks like you are describing more than once I would find another daycare. Once or Twice would be one thing but if it is happening alot I would reccomend you looking for another daycare.

W.

I would begin looking for another daycare. I'm sorry but I could understand every now and then your kid coming home with marks. Kids are kids. But that seems like a lot and since its the same kid. I think the mother should really keep a close eye on her kid since her kid is hurting others.

Hi M.

I know that is a hard situation because it is not easy finding good in home daycare. At the same time the mom should not be getting defensive but trying to work with you. I agree that you should explore other options. If you find someone else let your current daycare lady know that you really like having your child there but you hate seeing him come home with bites and scratches. Tell her if it can't be worked out you will be moving him somewhere else. Then if she can't do anything it is time to go!!! Good luck

T.

i would start interviewing new daycare centers, it doesn't mean you have to take him out, it just means that incase it gets worse or your gut starts telling you no, then you have a plan B. i beleave that if you run a day care center, then you should be educated on what to do in those situations, her telling you she doesn't know what to do about her own childs behavior, how does she hanle other peoples childrens behavior, it is the parents job teach there children what is acceptable and what is not. my daughter just turned 3, i hardly ever have to get past one. with shows like super nanny and nanny 911, there is no reason for day care providers to not be able handle a child. i hope everything works out. M. H.

Hello M.,

I know how frustrated you must feel as a naturally protective and nurturing mom, however, I can relate more to the embarrassment of the day care providing mother. My son is two, and a biter. We have worked with him since the start of the day care reports (around 1 1/2), and found that at first it was a way for him to act out his defensiveness (usually a retaliation after another child tried to take a toy) since he was unable to speak. However, even through time-outs and sit down talks - he still continued to bite. For awhile it ebbed, but would recurr at times he was experiencing an oral fixation (teething pains and/or thirst), and more at time he was feeling extreme bouts of exhaustion (small naps or late nights). This truly is something these children will work through, much like potty training and riding a bike. If you enjoy the daycare and find that he is in good care otherwise, keep him there but be honest and communicative with your son and your provider on what is happening and possible reasons why, plus asking questions as to how she may be able to see telltale signs before they happen.

Absolutely remove him from the day care! From the sounds of things you've already tried resolving the issue with the day care provider/owner without results. Your son does not deserve to be treated that way. Switching to another day care may seem like a lot of work but I don't think you'll regret your decision in the long run. Scratching and biting is unacceptable and I'm sure you will find a new day care that your whole family will love and it won't tolerate biting or scratching. Hope my opinion helps. Good Luck!
M.

Get your kid out of there and contact the state of michigan at mich.gov immediately! As any daycare owner would say...get out...now!

I would definitely take him out, especially if the lady is pulling a passive-aggressive "I can't make her stop". What will be next? At three years old a child definitely knows that biting and scratching are not acceptable behaviors. My daughter once got a scratch when she was two from another child, and she still has a small scar on her cheek. It's not worth your little boy becoming frightened or permanently marked. Since he's three you might consider a regular daycare. He'll have plenty of children his own age with age appropriate toys/activities (and not be in another child's home/personal space). And a report if an incident with another child ever happens.

I sympathize. My 22 mos old daughter is in a daycare that I love. There is a boy in her class who is probably 2-1/2 and is very aggressive. I have watched him take toys, shove, try to take food, etc from other kids. I know children will behave this way from time to time and never complained. Last week my husband went to pick our daughter up and the boy SPIT on her in front of him. He was FURIOUS. A teacher also witnessed this. The way that I handled it was to address it with the director - much like your husband did by confronting your caregiver. I advised that it was completely unacceptable and that if we saw that behavior again, we would remove our child. The director spoke to the boy's mother and he has not been back since. The bottom line is this: things will happen ON OCCASSION. The behavior cannot happen on a regular basis. I could not bear the thought of allowing that behavior to happen to my child. I'll say the famous "If I were you.." but I honestly would look for other options just so that you are prepared. Go to the library and check out some books on discipline, etc and give them to the caregiver to read and suggest that since the timeouts don't seem to be effective, maybe she can try another approach. If your son continues to come home with bruises/scratches that don't appear to be self inflicted, do what your gut tells you and find another place to care for him while you are away. Best wishes! N.

I'ed research your options. It will give you some control back. There is nothing worse than feeling like your child is being hurt and not being able to do anything about it. Even if your fears are not founded, you need to know that you can move your son if you need to. You may find another option for daycare that you like even more that you wouldn't have known about otherwise.
You need to put your heart and mind at rest and the best way to do that is to put the time in to research your options.

Good luck,
S.

M.,

I would remove him from the daycare - 1. she gets defensive instead of trying to find a solution to the problem and 2. he is your son that needs protected and it is happening all too frequently. I had a bite to my sons face that thankfully my in home daycare person immediately put a stop to it and told her parents she would not be allowed to come back if it happened again. It did to another child. I know your situation is similar yet different. After my provider quit suddenly, I relunctanly moved him to a daycare facility after much research and visits, went ahead with the move. It has helped him grow and come out of his shell in addition to learning how to properly interact with other little friends. good luck.

S.

Hi M.!

It sounds to me that you know what you need to do. If I were you I would take him out immediately and find a different place. Sometimes it is hard for young children to get along. It sounds to me that the girl's mother needs to properly discipline her. I had the same problem with my daughter, but I read some books and put what I read into action. If you really don't want to take your son out I would recommend some books for her to read. I found mine at the library so she doesn't necessarily need to buy them. I personally like Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood. I wish you luck!

Take Care,
A.

Good Morning,

My name is J. and I have two boys 5 and 14 yrs. old. I remember experiencing the same situation with my younger child in daycare when he was your child's age. In retrospect, my 5 yr. old was more passive and his playmates were sometimes aggressive. I would constantly tell him to "use his words" and tell the daycare provider what happened etc.. I would also instruct that he tell the child how he feels. "You hurt me." "Don't hit me, that's not nice." etc.. One thing about life is that early on we are exposed to different personality and people that aren't raised in the same atmosphere that would conducive to "a more gentler spirit" or whatever ... We have to learn ways to be vocal. Try some roleplaying with your son, and ask him what would he do etc...

Good Luck.

I am a mom of 4 boys myself and have delt with the biting thing from 2 of them. However when my older two boys were young (from 3and under) I worked in a daycare. While I understand the frustration of having a child that bites I also understand the frustration of being the parent of the child bitten. I can say one thing. When I worked in daycare there was a three srike program. If a child had an outburst that injured another child 3 times in a set amount of time (I can't remember if it was 3 or 6 months) that cahild was removed from the daycare. The reason they did this is because you can not protect one child while putting many more at risk. I understand that the child biting is the daycare providers child. So instead of her removing her child you may want to remove yours.

Although first I would talk to other parents to see if they are having the same problems. As a parent you know how hard it is to deal with some of the problems that come along the way and if your daycare provider can't take care of her own child what does that say about her ability to care for and handle other children and their problems. I know we as parents stumble along the way but if you are going to run an in home child care service you need to be better equipped to handle the situations that may arise.

I am sorry if some of this sounds harsh. However I left daycare when I was having more trouble with my own children. I truely felt that if I could not handle the problems with my own boys then maybe I was not ready to handle the problems I could possibly face with the other children in my care.

Botton line is this: Talk to other parents, listen to you head and heart, and above all listen to your child. If your child is giving signs that he doesn't want to go then maybe you need to find a new daycare.

I hope this helps and if you have anything you would like to ask me please feel free.

I do child care in my own home (1-2 children max at a time.) A little girl that i had from birth to 3 years started hurting my son scratching, biting hitting....just being mean. After a few months I had to stop watching her..my kids were my top priority and she was adding too much stress. I felt horrible about telling the mother they had to go somewhere else but it was the best decision. I would move your child somewhere else. My guess is that the biter/scratcher is acting out because thier personal space/toys/home being taken over.

Move to a new day care, there are a lot of good ones out there. It will take time on your part but you will find another good one.

M.,
If the mother is getting defensive then I would be more upset, she should understand that this situation is a big deal and should be explaining to you everyday what exactly happened to your son, that is her job, she is the care-taker. She should not get defensive, afterall, she would want to know what happened to her daughter if she was cared for away from home. I would try talking to her again, and if she gets angry, maybe it would be better if you found another daycare or care-giver. And, M., you are not being over-protective, you are being a concerned mother and you have a legitimate reason to be concerned!
G.

I would take him out, sorry but if my son kept coming home with marks from anywhere I wouldn't keep bringing him back. I bet she wouldn't let you continue to bring your son if it was her daughter being hurt.

M. --

Having been a liscensed day care provider for 12 years and now a spec. ed. teacher, my advice to you is to find a new provider. Your son has the right to a safe and secure environment, and it does not sound like he has that now. An occassional bite is not unheard of - but this sounds like it has gone to far.

Teachers have obligations to report certain things to social services -- and a situation such as this where a child comes in with frequent bite marks and/or scratches would send immediate red flags to me.

There are a number of things this provider can do to keep her child from attacking your son, starting with keeping her child separate from other children if need be, but she needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility and it does not sound like she is willing to do that.

JB

I use to work in a daycare in the 2-3 year old room. Thsi age group does not know how to express their feelings very well and they do so physically. They do not know how to use their words properly. Your son and her daughter are probably just fighting over a toy or something and the little girl gets frustrated and has no idea how to react to it. So she does so by biting. When i worked int his daycare in the age group we had a lot of biting accidents. I handed out an incident report everyday for biting. I would not worry about it. The children usually grow out of this behavior. Just tell the women watching your child to try to find out what is going on when this happens. If she has no idea then she is not watching the children properly. There is always a reason for the behavior. Find out if they are fighting over toys or friends or whatever. Hope this helps!!!! :)

M.,
Go with your instincts. I would remove him NOW if I were you, but you have more information about this then I do. What I would be MOST worried about is your son's well being. Second, why is the provider being defensive? Is she hiding something? You're not trusting or paying someone to hurt your boy. Get him out of there. You are not over reacting! If you are in immediate need for care, I'm sure I can help you out. I have an almost 2 yr old & a 15 yr old. We have a very organized & loving environment. Let me know if I can help you in any way! Good Luck!

Without a doubt, get your son outta there! While, you want to remain friendly with the caregiver, your son's wellbeing is far too important. As far as looking over protective, if you don't look out for your kids, who will?? It's just part of the parent job.

I can see the first time ok accidents happen kids will be kids, the second time you told her now its time to decide, with this happening your child can not feel safe its got to be hurting his self esteem sounds like a bully to me, I would look into a new child care provider, she don't seem to want to handle the problem what if your child was doing that to hers she probably would not allow you to keep bring your child back so why is her child more important to yours. you are the only one that can help your child I wouldn't have my children there I would of only happened twice and i would of took mine out. and as far as over protecting, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!!!! some one has to be