My 12Year Old Has an Attitude

Yeah I have three and they are the same way. Only the almost 7 month old is an ANGEL. The 21month old and the 5 yar old make me go insane! Well really the 21month old is the problem when I am with the girls they are good together. B ut I am the same way with my marraige of 5yrs almost 6 and we don't get any us time or time to do anything else together not even talk about what eachother's wants are cause mine are changing some. I think it is just the having three kids cause we are both having the same issues. Let's call the super nanny in sound good?

Hey T.:) Okay, this advice is coming to you w/o me having any prior experience with teens except for when I was 13:) So, I just wanted you to know that I am not a mother of a 12 year old, but I do remember the age well!! So, here's my take on the situation. You said above that she feels the "boys get more attention than her". To me, it sounds as though she feels a little left out! (Now, please don't take that personally, because I'm sure you would never intentionaly make her feel that way! However, the one thing that I have learned to appreciate about kids is their honesty. She's telling you,in the only way she knows how, that she isn't feeling loved!) So, I suggest you make time for the two of you to go on a "girl's night out". I am 24 and my mother and I still do this. (I'll tell you what, it is a nice break from my 'mommy duties' and the house work and a chance to just enjoy my mom:) Take her out for dinner (McDonald's if you are broke like me), and go see a movie (matinees are cheaper:)! Explain to her that you don't mean for her to feel left out, but her brother's need extra looking-after because they are smaller! She'll appreciate the fact that you "listened" to what she had to say and how she was feeling (even if she did roll her eyes through the whole thing!) I say make this a once a week event (or monthly if your budget doesn't allow for weekly outings)! It will give you a chance to talk to her "one on one" and REALLY listen to what she is saying. So many times, I would try to talk to my mom, but she would be wrapped up in her own adult worries. Hey, it doesn't make you a bad mother, it makes you human!! About her Dad, tell her what she needs to know. (Well, if he was an ex-con or something...I would leave the gory details out. You get the point...name, pictures if you have some, etc) Kids are curious, especially girls her age. She wants to know who she is, and part of that is who her father is. Just remember, it's all about the age, and unfortunately once she starts getting her period...then you have another horrible problem...PMS:) So, keep your chin up. About the chores, give her a small allowance and if she "complains" about doing her chores tell her she won't get paid. Tell her she must do things with a "willing heart", or she won't get rewarded! Hey, no one ever got money for sulking, right? Good luck, and just remember that it will get better. I was evil as a teen, but now me and my mom are best friends!!

Hi T.,
I can relate to your situation in three ways. I am a mother of two daughters who are now 19 and 16. They also have a stepfather, a stepbrother and two younger brothers. Also I was adopted at birth and when I was about 21 I searched and found my birth mother.
Teenage girls from about 12 to 15 are raging with hormones. Even if your daughter hasn't started her period she can still PMS. They are testing their independence at this age but they still need TONS of guidance. My advice there is to spend one on one time with her and just keep talking weather she talks back or not. Get involved with her friends and ask questions. Some of the best insight I got into my daughters lives at this time was when I was driving them and their friends around. I would just listen and heard plenty. I would say by the time my girls turned 15 they dropped a lot of the attitude and opened up to me. Now instead of me probing they come to me to talk.
As far as being a stepparents that's hard too. The best thing for your husband to do is to become her ally/friend and not try to be too much of an authority figure to her right now. You need to do all the disciplining so she won't become resentful to him.
On telling your daughter about her birth father I think you should tell her whatever she asks honestly. Being adopted myself I believe its my RIGHT to know where I came from no matter what the situation is. I am 41 years old and I have known my birth mother for 20 years now. She still won't tell me much of anything about my birth father. I have hard feelings towards her for this and I feel like I must be some sort of "dirty secret" in her eyes. She may be ashamed of the situation but her not telling me makes me feel like she is ashamed of me. Even though her story of giving me up for adoption didn't match up with the fairy tale story I always had in my mind I am still very happy I found her and I no longer have to wonder.

Good Luck to you

Hi T.!
It all sounds pretty normal what your daughter is going through. It's definitly a preteen/teen stage. I have 4 kids and my oldest is 14. He has gone through so many different stages already as a teen and he drives me almost insane at times. I try to spend time with him with just the two of us as much as I can, but more then anything, you need to talk to her. Let her know that she can talk to you about anything. My son and I talk all the time and he tells me just about everything that goes on with him. I spend a lot of time getting to know his friends and we have a great relationship. My husband/his dad, have good relationship, but honestly I think my son feels more comfortable talking to me. I still catch a little attitude from time to time but overall we get along pretty well. So my best advice to you is to communicate as much as possible with her and even when you don't agree with her or how she feels, let her know you are listening.

I don't have any personal experience with this yet (mine are still under four). I do have a book I'd like to recommend to every parent, but especially those with tweenagers/teenagers: "Hold On To Your Kids," by Neufeld and Mate. Consider yourself blessed in that your daughter clearly wants a connection with you. She sounds to me like she is reaching out to you--reach back.

I wish you well!!

I have a 13 yr old going on 14 daughter in a similar situation. She does not know her father and threatens me when things are not going her way. I swear she has a list, she goes right down it... my father, you are horrible, I dont like anyone.. just let me do what I want (I know there is more on the list, I just cant remember). She also pulls the, you love my sister more. I have talked to her guidance counsler and it seems that most at this age are going through the same hostile emotions.

When I ask her when we are not fighting, if she wants to see her father she really has no interest. Have you explained to her the circumstances as to why she does not know her father? I dont know your story, but it may help her understand it all a little better.

My only real advise, is couseling. I say this only because that is what everyone tells me. Getting there may be another story. My oldest tells me "I am not going to a shrink" for years. I have now approached it differntly.. I have said that I need to go so that I can learn to be a better mother.. (since I am a bad horrible mom) and if in the future I need her to, would she please go with me and help. I have not received the negative feedback, so we will have to see when the time comes. Good luck.. I would be happy to talk more.. I know it is hard..

I have a 11 yera old girl so i known want you mean.What i would do if seee does not what to obey you or your husband start to take way the things she likes to do and see how that works.And all so let her know that the boys are littler then her and you gave her the same treatment has them.Because my dauther says the same thing because i have 2 boy 8,3 and one more a girl 4.Good luck

Okay T., I teach high school in a semi-urban high school. We are a physcally and racially diverse group. ALL 12 YEAR OLDS HAVE ATTITUDES!! It's the nature of the beast. Try and put yourself in her shoes. She sees your sons with their father and mother,and she obviously is missing a piece of her own puzzle. Do you know who and/or where her father is? Would it do her harm to know him? She deserves to know the truth about her origin. She may seem too young to you, but 12 now is much older than 12 when we were that age. As far as the defiance goes, put your guilt on the back burner and punish her. YOu are the adult, try to remember that. I'm sure you feel terrible when she says that you're a bad mother, but I myself told my mother I hated her and wished her dead. If you look into your own past you or someone you know probably did the same sort of thing. It is more important that you stick you the rules you've established than it is to be her friend. YOu are her mother, not her buddy.
Try to set aside time to just be with her, no boys, no step-dad, just one on one mother/daughter time. Get a manicure, go shopping, go to dinner, a movie, let her know that she is important to you. She might feel as though she is not as valuab le because her biological father is not part of her life. She may feel out of place in the family you've created with your husband and sons. Do as much as you can to include her so that she knows she is important.
Good luck
reilly

I know eveyone says its just those teenage years and they will out grow it. But in the meantime your miserable....try talking to her more, maybe have just a time for you and her...make her feel like that day is hers.......I hope that works for your 12 yr. old.
About the marriage thing Im going through the same thing but I've been married for 12yrs. so really I don't have any help for ya, just keep communicating with each other..

Hi T., I have to say that unless her father is a danger to you or her, I would tell her who he is.She may be trying to fill a void of, "who is her dad".I hope you know what I mean.Twelve is a hard age, especially for a girl.She is prob going through alot of changes in herself, and at school.She is feeling all sorts of things, and is prob scared.Hormones hormones and yes more hormones.I would take her out to lunch(just the two of you or go to the park, and talk about girl things away from the house.Maybe just a drive.She will feel secure to talk when there is no one to take you away from her.Do you know what I mean.The bad attitude is prob from knowing that you dont have a good realationship with your hubby.I am sure she feels that or maybe she has heard you discuss things with him.When she says that you are a bad mom, have you ever asked why she thought that? If she has an answer, then either respond to it with a question or statement or just say, "HMMM I am sorry you feel that way, but you are wrong because I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH! If I didnt, I wouldnt care what you did". When she threatens to move in with her grandma, just reminder that cleaning up and doing chres is not going to change, just because she lives with her.Tell her she will have more reponsibilities if she lives there.She might think twice about that one.LOL.I hope I didnt offend you in any way, I am just trying to help you.Best of luck.

HI T.,
I remember when I would say that to my mom. IT was funny b/c after i kept saying it and saying " you don't love me. you don't want me. I am going to live with my grandma." S he actually told me " i love you and will always love you. You are my first child and that is something special, but if you think your life will be better w/ your grandmother then, bye.""Just remember you can't take anything with you b/c i paid for that. you have to leave with the clothes on your back. Remember you can't come back. I love you but we are not going to do this back and forth stuff." After that I kind of felt stupid and just stormed up to my room. I also tried to say i was going to run away. She told me she would give me a 5 min. head start then she would call the cops and say i was a run away and a bad girl and when they find me she wants them to to put me in a home. She also told me i couldn't even leave with the shoes on my feet b/c she paid for those. After that I never really said anything like that to my mom again. I HOPE THIS HELPS.

ash

HI T.,
My 13 year old daughter is driving me crazy! I don't remember puberty so much, but it looks like hell. The mood swings seem to be just the beginning of the problems. Little girls, who have been so connected to their mothers now have to figure out how to begin the healthy disconnect that allows them to become their own person. At the same time they are being pulled in so many directions, its enough to make any body crazy. They seem to believe that they have all of the answers. I have sought professional help. I am being told to make decisions slowly, be firm, be consistent, keep communicating (3 sentences no more no less) and to pray a lot!