Moving Out of State

I have no personal experience with this, but I do have a 2 year old, so here's my opinion: I think you're right to wait until a week before to tell her of the move. In fact, I think that's what Parents magazine suggested a couple of issues ago... Worrying her over something that won't happen for a"long time" is unnecessary.

re. the movers, I would have her stay at her grandparents. I think seeing strangers putting her things in boxes would be very upsetting to her, and she probably wouldn't understand that she will be getting all of it back. And you'll probably have a hard time convincing her otherwise. Good luck on the move, and definitely focus on the positives of it, like seeing her cousins more. Also, let her make decisions about her new room - paint color, decor, etc. and also buy something brand new for her room that she'll love - maybe a chair, or one of those canopy nets for her bed, or a vanity table.... something to get her really excited about her new room.

She may not be as traumatized as you think. As parents you keep your children rooted and grounded. Since she didn't have a hard time transitioning to her bid girl bed, perhaps she won't when you move either. Is there any way prior to the move for her to have a play date with her CT cousins? This may also help her transition as long as the play date is a pleasant experience. She will look forward to spending more time with them in the future.

She should be there for the packing and perhaps can even help pack some of her things. She will enjoy the responsibility and feel like an active participant in the family but don't put her in a position where she is in the way and underfoot.

She will be fine. Exhale and relax. You all will be just fine, so enjoy your new and improved life.

We are moving on the 11th, and we have a little girl who will be 3 on the 6th, so we're kinda in the same boat. Difference is, we live close to our new house (20 minutes) and our new house is vacant currently, so we go over there all the time for silly reasons (measure a window, etc). I always bring a snack and a few toys, and let my girls play and have picnics over there. We talk about it all the time--how mommy, daddy, sister, and the dog will all live there together, etc. After each visit, we talk about what our favorite part of the house/visit was. We talk about our "new house" often, so it is really a part of her daily life. It doesn't seem to stress her out at all, probably because she really doesn't have a concept of what is really going to be involved, but at least by being a part of it, I'm hoping it eases the transition once we're actually there. Is there any way you can go to your new house before the move and just spend an hour or two hanging out? (of course, this only really works if it is vacant).

E. -
I moved as a child quite a bit. I can honestly tell you that of my 7 moves between 18 months and 18 years, I don't remember how my parents told me the first few times (when I was 18 months and when I was 3 years old). I have pictures house hunting with my parents but I don't remember the first 2 trips. I don't think you need to worry about stressing your child out. I can tell you that it didn't do any long term damage to me! I think my parents just told me about 2 months out and got me excited about the new place and since you have family there (which I never did with my moves) it seems like it would be even more exciting for a child to know that they can see Grandma and Grandpa lots more. The hardest thing I remember is that as soon as I told my friends, they tended to stop hanging out with me because they knew I wouldn't be around next year.

I remember when I was 4.5 and I told me friends that I was moving, I didn't get invited to my best friend's birthday which crushed me. She told me that she didn't invite me because I wasn't going to be her friend when I moved! 29 years later, we're still friends. It took our mothers working hard to encourage us to draw pictures for each other, and as we got older tape us talking to each other (sending audio messages) and writing letter to each other.

As to whether you should have your kids stay with their grandparents, I would say YES! Even if you're having someone else do the packing, you're going to get involved packing some of the very fragile stuff or making sure that the movers are doing everything correctly. I just moved 2 years ago and I caught a movers putting stuff from the basement in a box for the master bedroom. I asked them not to do this because it would make it harder to put things in the right place when I started to unpack.

A trip to Grandma and Grandpa's always meant spoiling me with cookies and milkshakes and everything always seemed better there. Plus it was like a mini vacation. No need to share the true nature of the process of moving. If you do it when they get older, they'll understand how involved it can be.

Best of luck and happy moving. Here's to new adventures!

Hi E., We just moved last week and my kids are 19 months and 4 months. We did our own packing over the course of a few weeks and I slowly packed my older son's room when he was out for walks or at the playground. The day of the move I disassembled his crib as soon as he got up and had the movers work on his room last. We kept his door closed, and he was pretty oblivious. When the movers needed to get in to his room, I had his nanny take him out for a walk. When they came back, nearly everything in the apartment was packed up and my son was so distracted by the big guys moving things around that he didn't seem to mind being displaced and stuck in his stroller while we wrapped up final details.

Perhaps his age helped, however I think sparing him the experience of witnessing the busyness of the move was a good thing. When we brought him to the new place, I had his nanny take him for a walk immediately while I got his bed rebuilt and tried to make some sense to his new room. Granted there are still boxes under his bed and stashed in the corner, but pretty much since his first time inside, he's accepted that it's his new home. He is quite adaptable, however, and is pretty mellow.

Depending on your child's personality, you may want to handle differently. If she is a real information-monger and loves details, I bet there are some fun ways to involve her in the experience -- maybe she packs a little box or two. She's a bit older than my son, too, so perhaps she'll be able to express more of an opinion about the move. That said, I don't think there's a reason to tell her too soon; from what I understand, kids this young don't have the same concept of time that we do, so rather than have her potentially feel stressed out about the impending move, I'd suggest to just keep things light, get her involved a little if you think that'll help and keep a big ol' smile on your face during the process and upon entering the new place. Because if mommy is happy and thinks the new place is OK, she will be happy and (hopefully) like it too.

Best of luck to you!

E.,
After having moved 39 times in my 36 years of life and having children in the midst of that I think I can offer at least a semblance of a suggestion.
Moving, no matter what age is tough! It will be toughest on you as you make new friends in your new place... kids seem to be like water and find each other naturally!
Kira is a great age to be sharing with her. Don't hesitate and wait.

In the Army we teach that telling your kids and getting them involved no matter the age is important. From experience I can vouch it works. My biggest mistake in one of our moves was letting the toys get packed up without the kids watching. They were very anxious as to whether the new house would have their old toys- even though I told them many times they were in a box on the truck. At 3 they just do not hear "sense" though so you need to show them.

Here are some great ideas I have either experienced or seen work well:

Let her watch HER things go into boxes and let her help if you can (even with a few toys going in makes a diff). Then let her watch those boxes get loaded- the whole process so that she KNOWS her things are coming and she is able to control it in some weird way in her little head. MAKE SURE her boxes are marked very clearly as hers (you can even let her marker them some). We give each child a color for their room and those boxes are marked in matching sharpie (purple my daughter, green for one boy, blue another, orange another)

Since you are taking her house hunting, once one is chosen, ask her what she thinks and if you can give her a choice on a bedroom then do so. You can even tell her that the baby does not get to pick b/c she is a baby but Kira is a "big girl" so she gets that privilege.

Get her a map and a calendar. On the map highlight a few towns along the way and as you drive to the new home she can "connect the dots" with landmarks from you. Additionally give her a map that shows the complete route already highlighted and even though she cannot grasp distance, tell her how far it is over and over. Children this age love new info and her ability to tell a grown up that she will be *32* miles from her old home gives her "knowledge". Take a calendar and mark the moving day with a star or draw a truck etc... and then write the numbers UP from it so she can look at the calendar and see we have *19, 18, 17* days left until the move.

DO give her time to adjust. Kids are resilient though so don't worry too much if you miss something along the way. The key ingredient is YOU. Your attitude will totally make the difference. If you make this an adventure and fun she will see if that way. Take your new address and make a game of learning it. Give her a treat for progress in learning it- whether it be one on one time with you or an m&m.

Note the things that will be in both places. If there are sunflowers in yards near both houses, show her that on this end and then the other. If there are sidewalks, show her; playgrounds? Show her! You get my drift? Make the new place familiar and the idea less scary by showing her the similarities (do you go to dunkin donuts a lot? show her that too).

When you have chosen the new house, take a few pics, print them and GIVE them to her to trot around with her in a little brag book. She will love showing them off to adults and little friends.

Last but not least, if you are able, let her in on decorating her new room. Maybe she is of an age that she has a favorite color to choose for her walls or a new quilt? If there are options on where furniture can go in her new room let her try to choose where to put it.

Hopefully these will help you some. There is a great site for organization that you can use if you are moving yourselves too: flylady.net. It has suggestions for organization and moving with children of any and all ages.

Best of luck to you and yours!!!
J.

why hide it??? people hide things that are bad...I guess my feeling is put a positive spin on it and be excited!! Talk about all the new and neat things you're going to do and don't focus on the bad!! we moved almost 2 yrs ago w/ 5 kids, 2 were in school, one entering school and the other two were 3 and 1yr...the older boys missed their friends(and so did the lil ones)it messed up our routine and took me awhile to find my way around...so I joined a mom's group to find the local things to do and when school started it got better for the older kids...I did NOT want to move, but my kids only saw the tears when I said goodbye to my friends and they don't need to be stressed out by the grownup part of it...I was a military kid and moved every 2 yrs when I was younger and it was always fun and excititng(as new expirences should be)let kids be little....not in a bubble, but little!!! Goodluck and have a great journey!

Hi E.,
I too have 2 children a 4 1/2 yr old little girl, 2 1/2 yr old little boy. We just moved from Colorado to New York a month ago. We have had a turmultuous 2 yrs as my husband was overseas in Afghanistan on Govt. contract for 2 years and then returned home to look for work, found one and got laid off before we recieved his new dream job which brought us to NY.

I would advise you to not tell your daughter until about 1 or 2 before you move. Little ones have no concept of time and why stress them out. I would also encourage you to have your daughter stay at her grandparents while moving and possibly while setting up your new home. That is what we did with our 2 and it worked fabulously. They felt like it was a real treat to be with Grandma and Grandpa without us and have their own special time and when they walked into our new home and all their things where there and put in place they new they were home and very happy and excited.

I worked feverishly to get everything unpacked and put away so the kids weren't away very long. It also made the transition easier for us as well, as we focused on getting our job done and new the kids were having fun and being taken care of. Moving is stressful and no matter how well we try to handle it, stress comes out. Why have the little ones have to go through this if they don't have to.

Just rememeber kids are resilent and will do wonderfully as long as mom and dad are doing okay.

Best of luck to you.
Sincerely,
R.

Children don't like change. I have found that they like it even less when it is all of a sudden. Let your kids know you guys are moving. Include them in the decisions and have them pick their rooms.

Nanc

I can't help but see myself in your worries. I agree wait until two weeks before explaining it to her. But make it more like an adventure. When we try to hide things from kids or anyone at any age it's like saying I know you can't deal with it....and you know what...they will grow up and not be able to deal with it!

I love the idea of the map, photos and here's another...take her to the store and buy her some stickers tell her those stickers will go on her moving boxes. Then make a sign for her new bedroom that say "Kira's NEW ROOM. All boxes with these kinds of stickers come in here" Explain that way the movers will definitely put all her things in the right place.

MAKE IT AN ADVENTURE FOR ALL OF YOU. Check out parks and places to visit where her new home will be and be sure to explain...that you are ALL moving...even her stuffed animals. Play time is a great way for a child to work out any anxieties. After you have explained everything to her say OK lets go tell all your friends. Put all her stuffed animals in a circle with a small moving box with a 'Kira sticker' of course. Have her explain to all her animals and friends where you are going. Let her show a photo and then ask them what they would like to put in a box for their new room. That way she can work out some of the confusion. Give them all a hug including Kira and say "see everything will be ok". If you need some extra hugs let me know. And then of course go to the teddy and say I know you'll be fine then go to Kira and give her an extra hug.

THEN MOST IMPORTANT...go to your husband and tell him to give you and extra hug.

Life is full of changes....and as you can see already, with your children it's only just beginning. It's our attitude toward these changes that sets the stage for life. RELAX. It will all be OK.

Sending hugs to all of you. K.

My child-rearing bible, "The Portable Pediatrician" has a section on moving for each age. The one thing she stresses with each age is that moving day is extraordinarily dangerous --physically -- for children. Maybe you could let her pack a few boxes of her things right before you take her to stay at the grandparents...

I do recommend taking a look at this book -- lots of good specifics.

When we moved to our new house from the old house 22 miles away, my two sons were 3 yrs. and 13 months old. Cooper was three and he watched everything and loved it all! He took it all in, asked a ton of questions, to which we gave informative answers that a 3 year old could process & understand. He had absolutely no problem with the transition because he saw everything get packed into boxes, get put onto the truck, to which he watched with great interest, saw it all get taken back off the truck again and put into the new house. He was happy to still have all of his stuff. A bit later on however, about a month later, he did ask me; "When are we gonna move back into the old house? I like my old house. I miss my old house." But when I told him that we would have to get rid of some of our things that we had purchased for the new house because the old house is too little for it all, he decided he wanted to stay. LOL!!! He really did talk about "his old house" though, until he started kindergarten! Three year old's don't really like change, so you do have to make it fun for them. Good luck. D. N.

Hi E.,

We just recently moved to NJ from GA. I have a 7yr old, a 3yr old and a 1yr old. The process was long as it was a job transfer and for many reasons it took longer than we expected. We started house hunting last August thinking we would move before school started and then it ended up that we did not move until April of this year. We told the children in August but my 3 yr old did not really understand what it meant. She kept thinking that we would be coming back to GA. When the reality of the move set in and we started packing things and setting dates she took it the hardest out of everyone. She had stopped sucking her thumb last November and when the move date came closer we found her regressing back to thumb sucking and biting her nails. She cried about leaving her friends and school. As the moving day approached she did become excited about it all. She knew it meant her Daddy would not have to travel as much anymore and that made her very happy. I think if you approach everything with a positive attitude your daughter will do just fine. Kids are so resilient and adapt very easily. I would really emphasize the fact that she will be so close to her grandparents and cousins and be sure to have a visit planned as soon as you get there. I also made sure to show them pictures of the house and the area before we moved. We also talked about their new schools and all of the great things we were going to be able to do and see at our new house. Sometimes she still says things about going back to her house in GA but she is very happy here and has made lots of new friends.

Good luck with everything and remember to stay positive - and she will too !!!

C.

E.,

Some things you can do:

Make pictures of you boxing things up, and later, of the workmen moving your furniture out of your old home.

Make pictures of you unboxing (and putting things away) things, and the workmen moving things into your new home.

Take pictures of your old place fully furnished, then halfway moved out, and then empty.

Take pictures of your new place empty, then the chaos of boxes, then (if you remember to take pictures at this point) when you are all moved in.

She'll understand the timeline, too, if you do this especially with her room and things.

It's involved, yes, but she will have a tangible source of information that is visible and you can talk her through it, especially if she gets upset upon waking in the night and things are 'moved'.

I can't remember the site I got this from (went to her lecture too about 3 years ago). She has done research that when you follow up verbal information with pictorial at a young age the comprehension is not just quicker but more complete.

So...it would follow that there would be less tears and 'I wanna go home' issues, and she cited this specific instance (moving) as an example in the lecture.

Good luck, (and if anyone out there knows who I am talking about, please let me know her name, my firefox reset last year and I lost all my addresses and links and everything!)

M.

Hi E.,

I Think you should talk about the move often, so she gets used to the idea, show her pictures and talk about her new room.

Just try and make it exciting.

I would not talk about the changes and sacrifices.

On Mving day, Just be excited and happy and she should feel the same way.

M