I recently got married to the love of my life. He is amazing and wonderful, and I *LOVE* my in-laws. They are wonderful too.
I don't really have much close family on my side. I have lots of cousins and aunts that live very, very far away...but I'm close to none of them any more. They have their own gatherings. So for the past several years, holidays have been my mom, my adopted sister, my 2 boys, and myself. That's it. 5 of us at the most, but usually 4 since sis sometimes stays in Louisiana with friends.
Because of that, I've really become attached to "doing" Thanksgiving. So much so that it's really my favorite holiday. I've made it so EVERY dish is a special dish. :-)
In September, my husband's mom passed away of COPD and emphysema. Very sad. She was a great lady. My husband has realized that his dad and stepmom might not have that many years left to celebrate holidays, so we're spending Thanksgiving with them.
Now, I'm excited about this, because three of my SIL's and their families will also be there. And I know that being there will make my hubby happy...but I'm also SO conflicted, because I find myself mourning "my" Thanksgiving celebration and the fact that our first Thanksgiving as a married couple won't be spent the way I initially thought it would (yeah, I've been planning since June).
I don't want to change a thing. I want to go to this big Thanksgiving, and I know I'll enjoy it because I've MISSED the big holiday celebrations we had when I was growing up. But how do I deal with this "mourning?" It seems so silly, but it's still right there in the back of my mind.
What say you, mommas?
Just M: I love that idea!!! It sounds like the start of a new tradition! Thank you!!
Being flexible is a really good thing. Help with the cooking by making some ofmthenthingsmyou would make ordinarily.
have yours a few weeks later as a pre christmas celebration?
make a new tradition and invite your family and his
Wait a week and have your Thanksgiving at your house.
I understand where you are coming from because I had an idea of how life with our kids would be. Then my husband became disabled and it all changed. We have had to make a lot of adjustments to our activities, including how we celebrate holidays.
My advice for this holiday and for the future is to live in the now. Life is always changing, especially for newly-weds! Enjoy your memories of the past, but don't dream about a future that will be exactly like your past. It can't be. But your present and your future can be awesome in new ways. Maybe you'll play super-fun new games with this family or try a delicious dish that you've never eaten before. Ask your step-mom if you can include one of your old family traditions at her house, like a game or a dish you could prepare.
Do you have a SKYPE account? It's free. You could go into a private room and do a video talk with all your family back home. That's always fun for us at our house since we can't be there.
Have a great Thanksgiving. If you plan on enjoying it and go in with no expectations for what should happen, you'll have fun.
Splitting holiday's is always both exciting for the new and sad for the past.
It's complicated being ambivalent. Can you plan post-Thanksgiving leftover buffet and dessert time? Or plan another weekend? I know it's not exactly the same level of energy, but when marrying we make those sacrifices for our spouses and extended family. By connecting with them over your life now, you will look forward to seeing them as well, just as much as you have enjoyed creating memories with your family of origin.
Have a second dinner with your side of the family on another day.
Just do what most of us do. One side of the family gets you for a while and the other side gets you for the other part of the while.
We generally spend thanksgiving day with one of our moms (both are old and want us there on THAT day), the other mom gets us on the following day or Saturday. We switch off each year on which mom gets us on the actual day of Thanksgiving.
Luckily this year my husbands mom is going out of town to spend it with her niece so we only have my mom to deal with tomorrow... and we are going OUT to eat.
I love not cooking and that pressure. I will make a turkey tho eventually just so we have meat for sandwiches, but that's the only reason I'll make one, oh and for warming up the house on a cold winter day :)
the first time I went to hubby's family's for thanksgiving was right before we got engaged. We sat down to eat what I expected to be a traditional thanksgiving dinner and it was Ravioli and lasanga. It was homemade and delicious but where in the world was the turkey? we were planning on joining my family for dessert and I called my Aunt (who was hosting) crying and asking her to set some aside for me. I'd skip the pumpkin pie for just some turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy. Turns out sometimes they do turkey and sometimes italian (they are italian).
In my experience you have certain traditions but everything is no the SAME every year. For christmas eve we always go to my dad's parents house and do a nativity. We used to do a traditional holiday dinner but the family grew so much it was impossible (over 100 aunts, uncles, cousins, and spouses). So we literally do dominos pizza and everyone brings a random side and a treat. One year we had to do it at the nursing home because grandma had another stroke. One year we had to do it at my mom's house and on the 23rd because we were concerned cousin's crazy ex (literally court ordered psych ward) might show up. Last year grandpa thought about canceling because grandma had just passed 8 days earlier. We continued and crazy ex showed up and a little bit later so did the cops. There are certain things you can count on to be as part of your tradition but if you get hung up on the way things were you will not get to be part of the present. The things we count on are doing the nativity and being together. We don't even do gifts with that part of the family because it is too much and we want to be able to enjoy it. When you combine families you also have the opportunity to start new traditions. And they still wont be the same all the time.
obviously it's too late to change this years plans but maybe next year have both sides at your place if there's space (or even only sorta space).
It's ok to "mourn" the passing of traditions that have to change with new members of the family (or changes in the abilities of members of the family). Just don't let it take over the day tomorrow.
You will be making adjustments to your traditions for every holiday from here on out.
Can you have your own Thanksgiving celebration the weekend before?
With so many couples having to split holidays with multiple families, we decided long ago that we wouldn't get "attached" to a specific day for celebrating... after all, it is having the people you love with you that makes it a special day.
As such, we've become the "flexible" family.... it doesn't really matter whether we celebrate Thanksgiving on the actual day, or any day we choose to be our Thanksgiving!
You can make a couple of your specialty dishes to share with the in-laws. I'll bet they would love the new additions.
Talk to him. Acknowledge that this is an important year to see parents but maybe he will have ideas to bring you some of your holiday. How would the hosts like people to contribute?
When my uncle's bride snagged Thanksgiving out from under me, I was so upset! Either that year or the next one it was just me and DH one year (when the sks were away) But I started new tradition with my ILs and it's been our day since...just for the other side.
I hope you can find a middle ground, and nothing says you can't do some of your plans on another day. Plenty of people I know are having dinners on Friday or Saturday, too, to see all their friends and relatives.
Frankly, I have always preferred an intimate gathering. For all of the major holidays, I just do stuff for my husband and 2 kids. I don't enjoy the huge holiday gatherings...there is always drama. It is too busy for my taste and I always feel like we are running ourselves ragged.
At the end of the day, if I haven't had time to sit down and play with my kids, I consider the day a failure. I prefer to see everyone else another day.
I think my husband feels the same way you do. For many, many years we would celebrate Thanksgiving at his oldest sister's house. It was a big family gathering (he's the youngest of 5). They would invite my parents since we have no other family in the area and they would be alone otherwise. Well, in the last few years there has been a lot of drama in his family: this one isn't speaking to that one etc....and we no longer have the holiday at his sister's. Now we go to my parents house, or have them to our house. So it's just our immediate family and my parents. He always seems a little bummed, but it is what it is.
It's bittersweet. Exciting to be doing something new with a large group of family, but sad that what you've done in the past will be missed this year.
You can do one of two things: either mourn the loss for a few minutes and then dive into this new experience and never look back; or
Have a Thanksgiving dinner with "your" people on another day.
Is there anyway that your mom and sister can come with you to your hubby's family's holiday celebration. Then you have the best of both worlds!
Whatever you decide, I hope you have a safe and happy day!
Every year since I was a kid I've have been shuffled around from family to family. Then I got married and Thanksgiving was "his holiday". But we had to travel...my kids have NEVER had Thanksgiving at their own home. This year we are not traveling, so I decided that we are having Thanksgiving at hour house this year. My step dad is in NY (claims adjuster) so my mom, my grandpa, my sister/her boyfriend and nephew are coming to our house.
The rest of the family was so surprised.."WHAT, you're finally here for Thanks giving and not coming to ours?"..."no I'm sorry this year I'm making this about my family"...
I am mourning seeing all of my family...but it's for the kids I do this. So I get you...I wish I had some magical sentence to help you but just wanted you to know it's ok to miss it.
