Mother's Day - North Highlands, CA

To be honest, I don't expect any gift from my husband. All I ask is that he gets up with the girls in the morning and lets me do whatever I want that day. I got a card made from my oldest (she is three) and brunch with the family. To me Mother's day is just another "hallmark" day and just by showing that he takes an effort and spoils me for a day is all that matters. No gift could take that place.

As my husband tells me "I am not HIS Mom" and I agree. Mother's Day is for the children to show how much they appreciate their Mom's not the husband...sorry.

I know that some husbands do the special things their children can't and it may be something you will have to accept.

R.

Mother Day! I care less about the gifts and more about the time I can spend while my kids are still at home. I ask for nothing but their undivided attention. We went for family bike rides, talked, enjoyed each other's company. I think a mother's job is never done, Mother's Day is no exception. I feel blessed just to know that I have healthy children and a great day to be spent how I want to spend it. I think gifts are over rated.

Affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch are the five languages of love and not everyone speaks the same language.

What you need to do is sit down and figure out how your husband displays his love for you. Obviously you fall into the "gifts" category and feel most loved when you are given well thought out gifts. That languages seems to be on the bottom of his pile. He doesn't speak it fluently but he makes an effort. My husband is not a gift giver by nature but my language of love isn't gifts myself.

We figured out that my top love language is the "acts of service". When my husband comes home and does the dishes without me even asking it surges me with love for him.

For mother's day he cleaned the whole house. I swooned.

His love language is "physical touch". He loves when I run my fingers over his scalp or rest my hand on his arm. Snuggling etc. If I don't touch him in some way during the day, by the end of the night he feels like I'm mad at him for something.

All five languages are used to keep a relationship strong and healthy but they are definitely ranked in an order from most important to least. You need to sit down and figure out what your husbands love language is so you can learn to communicate better with him.

Since he seems to be so terrible at picking out gifts, maybe you can compromise and he can take you shopping for your gift instead. Then when you find something oh so perfect, he can whip out his wallet and make you deliriously happy.

Once I wanted to be surprised and told my husband to go out and bring me home a surprise! He came back with Simpson’s refrigerator magnates. I sure was surprised... ;)

Five love languages 30 second evaluation:

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html

Hi J.:
I am sorry you feel unloved. I'll be honest with you about me because that is all I can do. I used to think presents and big dinners/events for all the holidays that were "important" was the way to do everything, whether it included family or friends or both. As you, when I did not get something decent, or even when I hoped I would get something and got something different, I was disappointed and felt the same way. I even voiced my opinions to my family and they said they did not know it meant so much and then the question came that I could not answer: why is something that has no feeling more important than who you have with you at this point in time?

You have your little one who went through a lot as did mine who was in the NICU for his first 7 months of life. You have your husband who tried to figure out a way to calm your emotions with candles (which I don't even get) and by having his daughter help him pick the present out showing he wanted it coming from both of them to you. That, however, you responded not with the fact that they tried but without respecting them, and gave it away.
What did you really want instead? Something more expensive, a trip? So now he went to the next try and got flowers but it was not the flowers that bother you, it is the fact that he just used the small card rather than buying a separate, bigger card, right?! But yet, acknowledging the fact that he even got you something is now difficult.
Again, I have to ask why do materialistic things mean so much?
I don't ask for anything even at Christmas anymore gift wise. The only thing I ask for is those around me to show me respect and/or I give it and reap in the benefits when I see smiles, laughter, happiness. There is so much strife going on right now in everyone's life that we have all forgotten that family, friends, and happiness are utmost importance, not something that doesn't see, feel or even know that it has been moved from a box it was in before to a table or shelf to a person's home to be on a table or shelf. Who cares?
Be happy you are married to a man who although you were close to divorce still is with you, that you have a beautiful child (actually 2) and have a job and money. Look at the little things in life as the bigger things rather than the bigger being all that life is.
You can take this information or just ignore it but I can tell you for me, I much rather have my son, his father, my family, and friends surround me on what is "special days" for us to celebrate, then for them to buy me something I may look at once or twice and then place it on a shelf or in the closet and never be seen again.
T.

My husband is bad about this kind of thing also, so I sympathize. BUT, now that you have a child, it is WAY more important that your marriage remain intact than that you get the perfect gift.

If guys aren't trained long and hard by their mommies, they often really suck at gift-giving. So maybe his mom never trained him.

Just tell him really SIMPLY, in two or three sentences, that it really means a lot to you to feel that he put some kind of effort into the gift. And then shut up about it and let it go. If you say "you hurt my feelings," he will feel criticized and will shut down. Guys get very easily wounded by anything resembling criticism. It took me YEARS to train my husband to do certain things, and I unfortunately have not always been tactful, but at least he's continued to move forward in baby steps.

p.s. - No matter how bad you felt his gift was, it was really hurtful to give it away. If you do something like that, don't be surprised when he doesn't try next time. Focus on your baby. That's what matters.

Hi J.,
I have been married this May 26th.....25 years!!!!! of which I am very proud, however in order for me to make it all these years I had to get over the fact that my husband feels all these "extra" holidays (Valentine's,Mother's Day,Father's day etc..) are just a way of releasing him of his money....Now don't get me wrong my husband is FAR from a cheapskate. BUT....he would rather not "spend his money" when someone tells him he MUST. "I love you everyday, not just on ________ Day"!
Now, I will also tell you, if we let Father's Day pass with no notice or special gifts, he will be "upset" all day....we tried it, LOL......
So,after many years (and I almost forgot this lesson when I was sick in bed on Valentine's Day this year)......
I TELL him what I expect!!! If I want flowers, I say in no uncertain terms "You will be bringing home flowers for me today"....It may not be the most romantic, but If I want flowers, I get flowers. This year I told him I just wanted a quiet house for mom's day (our son,daughter-in-law & grandson lives with us, along with our 13yr old daughter & her best friend)So he sent them to Six Flags for the day, while we babysat our grandson. I got a quiet house for atleast 8 hours, and our 6 month old grandson is a joy to be with so I had no complaints....We took the baby went out for breakfast, and spent the rest of the day around the house gardening & such....I got what I wanted & he didn't need to spend a dime on me....Now, my kids however I have trouble TELLING them what I want, but a card is enough.
Sometimes, and I know you are hurt, but sometimes it's easier to pick your battles. Explain to him, as I did, that it does "hurt" your feelings...and they are "your" feelings & no one can tell you that your feelings aren't real. Tell him that you understand that these "holidays" may seem stupid to him, but they are important to you. WOMEN,all of us,want to know we are needed & loved....that's what's really at the heart of the matter.
I won't mislead you & tell you it will be easy, but just ask him to see it from your standpoint. And, in the process you may also gain a little understanding of his viewpoint too!!! Our marriage, only seems to have problems when we don't talk...I know everyone says communication is the key, but after 25 years i have found "they" are right...if you don't talk to each other you will never know what the other person is feeling,expecting,hurting from,feeling stressed out by....etc. It may be that he is also feeling the stress of having your son come early, and all that he is responsible for in your lives???? TALK about it...it will help...
Good Luck, and God Bless,
Lisa...
P.s. This mom's day was still better than one I had 13 yr's ago, where a group of us went out to a Marie Calenders, packed to the gills with mom's, my 6 month old daughter decided to have diarhea.....ALL OVER OUR BOOTH!! The whole resturant "STUNK", I ran to the bathroom but it was coming out her diaper...that's right! all over the resturant. I hid in the lady's room and refused to come out until we could leave. My husband came in the ladies room first with half of the other mom's in the resturant in tow....ALL of them had encouraging words & knew how embarrased I was for RUINING everyone's day... When I did come out, they(the entire resturant) clapped. I still cry over this one, and IF it weren't for MY HUSBAND I would still be hiding in that bathroom for sure...It's not ALWAYS about presents, it's about LIFE....

Um, no offense here, but he GOT you a card and flowers. How much "recognition" do you want? For me, Mother's Day also happened to be my daughter's 2nd birthday, so it was mostly her day--and my husband doesn't tend to buy presents and cards on preset days--and he works from home, so he hasn't been out to get me anything, anyway. But he did watch the 2-year-old the other day, letting me go out to get errands done & some somewhat recreational shopping with just the baby--not something he often has time to do right now, so the partial day off for me was really nice. He doesn't do gifts on the "occasions". But he treats me really well, and we have fun together, on a regular basis, rather than special days only. FAR more important in my book.
Most men are often not that good at the gift thing. And you are definitely WAY too focused on them. Your marriage might go easier if you were a bit less concerned about THINGS & a bit more concerned about working on a good relationship with your husband. It sounds like some marriage counseling might not be a bad idea.

I didn't get a chance to read through all of the responses, but I did notice that someone had mentioned the book "The 5 Love Languages." I have had a chance to read it (a few years ago), and it does cover the fact that each of us feels loved in different ways. Obviously, when someone presents you with a gift that they have put time and effort into, it means much more to you than other expressions of love. However, from what you say, it does not sound like your husband responds to gifts in the same manner. While you have expressed to your husband how disappointed you were with the first mother's day gift you received, have you tried mentioning to him how special it makes you feel when he has taken time and effort to find a special gift for you? I know from experience that spouses (including myself) cannot read minds! My husband and I have had so many mis-communications from assuming that the other person knew what we were talking about!

On the flip side, the book also mentions that it is important that we discover what is important to our spouse and what makes them feel loved. In order for love to survive, you have to be willing to put in 100%. Notice I did not say love was a 50/50 split. You may be asking, "But what if I put forth effort and get nothing back?" or "How can I be sure that he will respond in a like manner and begin loving me in the way that I need to feel loved?" I have asked these questions myself, feeling certain that I would pour all of myself into my marriage and get nothing back. There is no guarantee that he will respond to your efforts to love him as he needs to be loved, but from experience I can tell you that nagging and making your husband feel bad about any attempts to love you the way that you need to be loved, will only push him farther away and cause him to put less effort into your relationship. Again, there is no guarantee, nor a formula for making your spouse respond to you as you desire, but I have found that when I reach out as he needs, I usually get something back. But at the same time, I have to be willing to let him respond as himself. I cannot change him. Only he can change himself.

As for the gift giving, since he does not seem to be as adept at giving gifts, there may have to be some room for forgiveness. I would suggest looking past the gift for now, and looking at the giver. You may even need to give some suggestions for gifts that show appreciation. As I mentioned before, neither my spouse nor I are mind readers, and I can guess that neither of you are, either! He may not pick up on what you think are obvious hints. Be specific about your expectations, but also present them as suggestions and requests, not demands.

I hope that the two of you are able to work out your differences. If you get the chance to read the love languages book, it may be very helpful. I know that having a young child makes that difficult (I have 9 month old and zero time to read), but it creates a better picture of how differently each of us need to be loved, things that we can do to show love, and things we should not do. My husband and I have to constantly remind each other of what makes us feel loved, because loving the other person in the way they need it does not come naturally to either of us. It takes conscience effort to reach out to my husband the way he needs me to. If you do decide to read the book, don't get into it expecting to change your husband. I still fight it all the time, but the change has to start with yourself. Be willing to put yourself out there a little bit. If need be, find a counselor, or at least a close friend you can lean on for support and encouragement. Try not to take sides against your husband, even if you are feeling hurt. It will only serve to drive you further apart.

Hopefully you can find something of use in all of this. I don't want to sound preachy or condemning. I have been married 9.5 years, and still have to work at all this. My personality is such that I am very good at critiquing the details of things that go on around me. Unfortunately, I am very critical of things that others try to do for me (especially my husband). I constantly have to remind myself that others are trying to do something nice for me, even if it is not what I wanted or how I would have done it. I have to be willing to recognize their attempt to love me, not reject it because it isn't exactly what I wanted. And it is even harder when you are tired!

Good luck in reaching out to your husband. And happy belated Mother's Day.

Dear J.,
Mother's Day and Father's Day and Grandparent's Day...and every other "Day" of observance was invented for Halmark to make money....I am saying this only because the amount of love you have for someone should not be saved for one day of the year, it should be expressed every day. I have never been a materialistic person, and never want anything for Mothers's Day unless it is a gift of love...meaning it is from the heart(like a coupon book made by one of my kids or husband to help out when I need it or lighten my load as a mom, or a breakfast made by them) I have been married now for 22 years and I am now finding that most people are like you, so you are the "norm".
My son is dating a girl who expects to get things for every event...like monthly anniversaries for example, and my son has a hard time understanding why because he was raised with a Mom who doesn't emphasise on "things".
Men think differently than women also, they are not mind readers and need to be told when something is important to you....Maybe if you let him know that it really matters to you to be told what a good mother you are, he will understand. It took a work trip I went on for my husband to realize what a chore it is to be a mother. He was left to care for our children for a week alone, and when I returned he was overwhelmed and so appreciative of me and what I did for the family as a mother.
I guess what I am trying to say is that "things" are not the important thing here....it is feeling you are appreciated for what you do a Mother that matters and want to be told so by the ones you love. You are still very new at the married game, so I hope you realize that a long marriage is one that mutual respect by both sides is what keeps it happy and prospering. Don't give up....be patient....and love being a Mother even if you are not recognized the way you want to be.

Hello J.: I am the mother of 5 children, my husband of 40 yers( yes we went to the prom together) recently passed away. I tell you this so you will understand the next part.
My sweet husband was good about a lot of things but not about Mother's Day as big giftting day. He was wonderful about helping me as I needed it and he was superman about fixing things but for many years I did my own breakfasts and dinners and sometimes the entire family got in there to help. I did not grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting of how things are percieved to be done. My children are great about things and try to do stuff all year long to let me know that they appreciate me and what I have done with and for them. This year my 22 year old son went out and did the grocery shopping for me and I asked my other son's to take their wives out to do something special so one went dirt bike riding actually he took the 2 year old in the truck and followed her as she went dirt bike riding and the other went to see her father with their new baby.
The fact that he has another child tells me you knew he was like this when you dated but didn't pay attention, or you have changed and expect him to jump up and notice. BEING A MOTHER IS THE GREATEST GIFT THAT MY HUSBAND COULD HAVE EVER GIVEN ME & NOTHING ELSE COULD COMPARE TO IT. If you are going to start by thinking that he needs to buy you things to prove you mean something maybe you need to ask yourself a different grop of questions. What did you see your father do for your mother or what did you do for your Grandmother or mother??
Flowers are very special in this family and my husband went and got them often for me not just on a special day and as for those little cards that come with the flowers-- I have saved them all aand they are a treasure to me.
Good Luck, Nana G

J., I'm sorry for your disappointment and hurt feelings. I think this kind of thing is very common in our consumer driven society. I was raised by some different parents, to whom all holidays, from Mother's Day to Christmas, were practically anathema. That said, my mother did wonderful Christmases all her life, not to mention every other holiday. Once we were grown up, we were told to forget Mother's Day and Father's Day, because as far as my parents were concerned, every day was Mother's Day and Father's Day. I used to cringe when my sister-in-law would show up with flowers at my parents' house on Mother's Day, because I knew my mother was gritting her teeth.

Fortunately I don't have the expectations you do, because otherwise I would really be disappointed, because I have been married 29 years and I don't think I have ever gotten flowers. I would love to get flowers or lotion, or anything! But I know my husband, and I know our financial situation, and I know that I should not expect anything. In addition, this Mother's Day was also my 29th wedding anniversary. So to stave off any feelings of disappointment, we made fudge Saturday night, and had it in addition to our traditional Mother's Day dessert of strawberry shortcake (fortunately I love to cook, so cooking dinner makes me happy) and we are still eating it. Yay!

So, I would be way more concerned about the state of your marriage than I would about the way your husband treats Mother's Day. And if you get a birthday present or anything this year, you're ahead of me. Trust me, marriage is about more than gifts, even if gifts are very important to you. I hope things get better for you.

E.

J.! I can understand your frustration and I did when I was married to my ex husband. I had such high expectations for what I thought should happen on "holidays" that I sabatoged the day every time. It was a strained marriage and getting gifts would of never helped. I am remarried and to tell you the truth he isnt the best at gift giving either, but now being in a healthy relationship I can tell you that the gifts dont much matter. I have the love of my children and the love of my husband and that is all I could really want. For mothers day this year, I got up and made breakfast, we played video games with tthe kids, went out side and played badmitton, went to the park and then to pizza. It was nothing "special" but it was special because we had fun.

So many women put expectations out there that will never be met. You didnt marry a man that gets the whole GIFT thing like you do and most likely wont. If you force the issue you will just be sabatoging your relationship and for what? What is more important a happy family or silly items?

This isnt his issue it is yours. You need to figure out why it is important to you. Love and appreaction comes in many forms and if you are only looking for one form you might miss out on what else is there. He might be doing things to show you how much he cares and you might be hurting his feelings by not noticing the things he does for you as they arent "grand" enough for you.

Hope that you will find peace and happiness.

J. I know exactly what you are feeling. I have a daughter who is now 17 months old. She was 4 months old my first MD. I got flowers and a card. This year my daughter is 17 months. My husband of 2 years gave me a card from my daughter then we were at an Indian Pow Wow on Sat so he had me buy myself something. That was my MD gift.

So I figured out how to give myself a very special gift. I had my husband take a picture of me & my daughter. Now I will print my last year picture and this year picture and put it together in my card's that I received. I will make this my traditional mother's day gift to myself :0) I thought it would be awesome to see us together as she grows yearly. Then as she gets older I will have her sign her name.

I also put lots of thought into my husbands gifts (birthday, anniversary, and father's day). I do it because I enjoy it and feel good about what I have done. I felt the same of not wanting to put much effort into it, then I thought about it and realized it makes me feel good about myself so I continued to put my all into his gifts.

Don't know if this helps but I guess we just have to realize they are not gift givers and have to buy or think of things for ourselves. I agree with other writers that when our kids get bigger they will make things for us and those will be the most memorable gifts.

Hang in there and good luck.
T.

Mother's Day is all about celebrating our mothers. Usually my husband will give me flowers, but we went to the farmer's market on Saturday and I found some wild flowers I loved and he bought them... $4. Sunday my son & family came and we cooked for everyone.

To me, Mother's Day is spending time with my family or receiving a call from the kids or just getting a card. To me, it is not such a big deal. However, when I was younger it probably was. Older has its advantages... you realize what is really important and what isn't. What isn't are material things. What is is family, or the fact that they remembered and acknowledged it by a card or call or visit.

Mother's Day is classified under small stuff...

Hi J.,

While I understand your disappointment, I do have to point out that it is HIS Mother that he should be giving attention to on Mother's day. What he needs to do for you on Mother's day is to let you do what you want, not give you presents. Since your child cannot give you presents, you have to say - you take the kid and I am going to a spa, or whatever you feel you need to make you feel good that day.

And if he is not willing to take his own child for the day, then you may have an issue. But in general, your child is responsible for making you feel good as a mother. At this point, the child isn't old enough so it is your job to tell your husband what you need to make a good day happen for you.

N.

Next year, think about telling him BEFORE mother's day what kind of gift would make you feel loved and special. I think lots of times we expect our partners to just know and we don't want to have to say it. But, if you need it, say it. (Just my 2 cents.)

Hi,
I think you should read "The Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. At first it may make you mad and you may think Why do I have to be the one to do all the work, but I tried the things she suggests and my marriage is really great now. You have a child and you owe it to your child and your husband and your self to make your marriage as happy as possible for everyone.
One of the things she points out is your husband is a man not a woman. they think differently then we do, He may beleive that flowers are a wonderful and generous thought and would be shocked you don't agree. Please give th book a try, it really is healpful

From the 20 responses posted, I hope you see you are not unique in this problem! Do you ever get the feeling you and your husband are speaking another language?
In a sense you are! We all have a language we speak in terms of expressing love and how we want to be loved. All too often the way we express love is the way we want to be loved. For example, you put a lot of thought and effort into your gifts, because if someone did that for you it would make you feel so loved. Right?
Seems simple, but the problem comes in when you and your partner don't speak the same love language. For example you show your love in the way listed above. But perhaps he does acts of service for you like taking out the trash or doing the dishes. Perhaps he does such things because to him, your acts of service make him feel loved.
There is a great book called "the five love languages," by Gary Chapmann. He talks about the primary ways people demonstrate love and want to be loved. I highly recommend this book to you. If you can get your husband to read it too wonderful. But even if just one of you reads it and attempts to apply it I promise you that you will see results in your relationship.
You also mentioned that you have been on the verge of divorce. I hope the two of you have sought couples counseling. As a marriage and family therapist I am quite familiar with the ideas I've given you above, I use that book as a tool with couples regularly, and as a wife I have applied these concepts to my own marriage.
I hope some of this helps. Good luck to you and your husband. May you learn to speak each others languages fluently and frequently.

For Mother's Day the very best gift to me is being with my child all day and having no schedule; this year we stayed in pajamas all weekend and read books together and listened to music. I did purchase a gift for myself over the weekend and that was the second best gift of all.

About every other year I celebrate myself with a gift that costs about $300. So this weekend I decided that for each Mother's Day going forward, I will set aside up to $365 to spend only on me, to acknowledge my own contribution and joy as a mother. And I won't say so to my own daughter, until she is a mother herself, because the gift I most want on that day is simply her presence and company, and secondarily, a gift she has made by hand and for free.

In other words, I don't want *her* money spent on that day, and really, I don't want anyone else's. I want the freedom to spend my own money on myself, for the item or experience I most want. I've figured out finally that no one else can really divine what I want, and that it is easier to give the gift of time or individual creativity to each other and to address the materialistic ourselves in our own way.

Some spouses are still very much caught up in celebrating their own parents on these Hallmark holidays. That hurts and misses the point of marriage, I think, but it has helped me to develop my own more fulfilling ways of approaching those holidays.

I hope you get to spend more time with your son in the next few years. Blessings to you and your family, mama.

Well, you shouldnt stress out about such small stuff the decay will spread all over your marriage and ruin it.
Mother's day is for our Mothers. I dont expect my husband to get me anything, but I do insist we do something for his mom and my mom. What you need to sweetly explain to your husband is that he needs to help pick something to do for you or give to you from your son. If he chooses you a gift from your son's eyes it takes the pressure off of him to pick the "right" gift for an obviously discriminating wife.
If you love your husband for everything else he brings to your marriage, you need to realize that "gifts" are very eenie weenie part of the big picture and should never be grounds for the temperature of your marriage as a whole.
Personally, I feel that all of the different gift buying and forced family visiting holidays throughout the year sabatage a lot of marriages. None of us need that pressure to BE somewhere on THAT ONE DAY several times a year. If you visit and do things for people all year long, you don't feel as pressured to perform on that ONE day that commercialism has shoved down our throats.
Just keep in mind that the more you pressure your husband to get you gifts on the different holidays the more he will dread the holidays. If he knows that you are "cool" and not needy, he will become more relaxed and magically you will find yourself actually recieving things from him. It works like a charm.

I've thought about how to say what I wanted to say and to do it with some tact. I don't know you from anybody on here, so I am not directing this towards you personally or trying to offend you. My thoughts are simply that Mothers Day is about being a woman. A woman who is lucky enough to bear children. You are fortunate to have a husband who helps (in whatever ways) with your child. Your child has a father. It is one day a year and to put that much emphasis on the material things shouldn't be that important. It's later that you get excited about the things your kids makes you at school. I this year got more joy out of getting something from my daughter in her first year of pre-school and having a tears come to my eye. It held nothing compared to the book that my husband got me (that I picked out). Mother's Day is knowing that you are a woman, a mother, a friend and a daughter of God. I am grateful that on that day I am recognized, but it's every other day that I find the real joy in knowing that I am doing a good job as a mom, a wife, a friend and a daughter. I hope that you will step back and take a look that some people don't do gift giving. Some people give words of affirmation (sp?), some people give their time, some people show by gift giving. It's not up to you to decide how someone shows their love/support. Just my two cents.

J.,
Get a copy of "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. People communicate love differently. Read this book and see if you can't identify ways that he IS trying to show his love for you, which you may not recognize because you "speak" a different love language than he does(ie: you have a different way of showing your love). At the very least, it may give you some insight. Good luck!!!!

This is my 3rd mother's day and the first one I really enjoyed. My son was a very difficult infant and the first year of his life was a true trial and test on my relationship with my husband. I've been told that many couples divorce, or almost divorce, when the first child is about 18 months old. That was true for us. Having a child is an extremely difficult adjustment and Dads just doesn't understand what Moms need the first time around. I had to drastically adjust my expectations, explain in painful detail what I wanted, needed, and hope that I received any part of what I desired. I really love material items too but what I discovered over the past several years is that I had no idea what it really meant to be a Mom, since I wasn’t around children until I had my own. After some self examination, I discovered what I really want is to feel loved and valued. That's what I didn't receive on my first Mother's Day and that's what it sounds like you didn't receive this past Mother's Day. I suggest talking to your husband. I found these conversations go the best when we agree upon a time (and I don't surprise him with a serious chat), I explain what I want to discuss (in 10 words or less), and then show up knowing what I want and where I'm willing to compromise. You have a child with a man that you love (and based on your post it sounds like he loves you too). It's worth the effort to keep that alive and healthy.

I hope this helps a little. I found as my son grew, things became so much better and fun!

Dear J.,

I would first ask, did your husband know you gave his first gift away? If he did, that’s sure fire way of not getting much, in the way of gifts, from him in future. He’s already been divorced and you mentioned that the two of you have been on the “verge” of divorce. How’s has your marriage been doing before Mother’s Day?

In reality there should be no ONE specific day when couples should show that they care, love and appreciate each other. Keep in mind some people are better about showing their affection by giving “material” things. It has also been my experience that some MEN need to be sort of “TRAINED” in advance of a special occasion.

So let him know, in advance of a special occasion…. (i.e. Mother’s Day, Anniversary, Birthday etc.), “ I would like to have breakfast in bed…flowers, go out to dinner, a spa date, or perhaps just a nice card. If he dose not come thru for you, treat yourself and when your child is older, he will take care of you on Mother’s Day and other special occasions.

What is your husband like all the rest of the time? Do you have a good man and father? What made you love him in the first place? Was he kind and thoughtful and then changed? Have you changed? If your marriage is worth saving, better sit down together and discuss what “really” matters in your relationship.

Blessings…….

Hi J. -

Everyone is different, and everyone shows/receives love in a different way. My husband has never been much of a gift giver also - and I have learned to accept the other kinds of 'gifts' he gives - to allow him to show love in his way. I think flowers are a very appropriate gift for mothers day - this is my usual gift, and I like that, but my favorite part of mothers day is when my kids make me breakfast in bed, and my husband makes dinner that day and cleans the house. These things do not involve $$, but they are meaningful, and I look forward to them. I grew up in a home where money equals love - approval and love came in the form of things rather than time or service. I have had to unlearn that pattern, because it has no real depth - and now I think that giving of oneself through one's time and talents is far more lasting and creates the kind of relationship that I want in the long run. I don't know what other problems might be in your relationship, but I would suggest looking for other ways your husband may be trying to show you love that you might not be accepting. It is difficult to be a mother, especially a working mother, and there are many pressures. Ultimately, you must value yourself in what you are doing, and maybe give your husband some room to express his individuality in his relationship with you. Good luck - I know it is hard. I have 4 kids ages 7 through 18 and it is quite a ride-!

Hi J.-
This is a classic case of love language miscommunication and unrealistic expectation. There is a book I highly reccommend called The 5 Love Languages. My husband's language is gifts. To tell him I love him means to get him a really great gift that I have spent time planning for. He in turn spends weeks planning a gift, orders or purchases it in advance, and makes it personal down to the wrapping. My language is acts of service. For me to understand that he loves me he needs to clean the litter box, take out the trash, do the laundry, and cook dinner. We speak two very different languages and have had alot of very serious fights because of this. THe point is that in a relationship, you rarely meet and fal in love with someone who speaks the exact same language that you do. Here is my suggestion. Realise that gifts are not his forte. He got you one and that might be huge and he feels bad when you are upset with the gift he got you (because gifts are important to you). I have done this to my husband- not on purpose- but I have. READ the book. It's short. THere are only 5 major languages, and you fit into one major and maybe one or two minor languages. Example- I am an Acts of Service and then my minor language is compliments- or from my point of view, recognition of the acts I do for others. I need validation. My husband is a GIFTS person with compliments and physical touch being his two minor- but not so minor- languages. THe deal is, your husband thinks he bought you a decent gift. For him to realize, the TWO OF YOU need to take some time to see what your language is, and then work on how to best speak it to the other person. I have been with my husband for 10.5 years, married for almost 7. We still have to remind one another that we do not speak the same language. But after this many years, we are getting closer to understanding. It's not an instant fix, but after some time, if you are willing to put the work in, and yes, it takes both of you, both of you not judging how much work the other is doing, but both of you trying your best to understand and fulfill the other person- to make it work.
Here is a link for the book. I know you can get it in Barnes N Noble or Borders or Berean. Regardless of faith, this book has real common sense for real people and can be applied in any situation.
Good luck!
http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commi...
Here is a link for a quick version of the test:
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html
-E. Mc

You've gotten some great responses! All I want to add is that Mother's Day etc. was invented by Hallmark in my opinion and therefore not a real holiday.
my hubby is from Morocco so American holidays are a little lost on him. He tried a lot harder for Christmas before we had our son - now I get something ugly from the mall jewelry store so I have to exchange it and shop for myself. Oh well. I sometimes wonder if he remembers my name he's so excited to see our son when he gets home. BUT after 20 years - it's not like I'm going anywhere.
For Mother's Day my son made me an art project in school and we went out for tacos. The food was terrible but it was nice to sit at a sidewalk table in a cute little town and just enjoy the weather and each other.
Oh and guys don't put the thought and effort into gifts that women do - they don't have the attention span. Now if you were a sportscar - he'd buy you fancy polish and leather conditioner and air freshener and expensive rims - but - you don't have a motor so he is lost.
Maybe you should spell out your expectations in advance as far as something to do together - like a nice restaurant or movie and then buy yourself something nice - wrap it and give it to yourself. Maybe he'll take the hint. ;)

For me Mother’s Day is about celebrating our moms and everything they’ve done for us. My gift was sleeping in, not cooking and only changing 2 diapers the whole day. He sent his mother a card and called her and we went to visit my mom since she’s local. Mother’s day isn’t about gifts (or at least it shouldn’t be.) It’s about telling the mother’s in our life (including grandmother’s, god-mothers and baby mommas) that we love them and appreciate all they do for us. If you don’t feel like he appreciates all the work you do you should talk to him about that but if your problem is about not receiving a material gift then you need to examine your priorities.

I just had to write that I understand how you feel J....sometimes u just want to feel extra appreciated...especially on Mothers Day. I did want to comment on some of the comments below...I think some of you we're very harsh and shouldnt automatically judge the way you are. Nobody knows what goes on in a relationship except the people in it. Some advice sounded kinda cruel... Try to be a little nicer

Have a nice day everyone.

Oh dear, well Sweetie, your problem is expectations. You have forgotten one thing, you are married to a MAN! They ususally shop at a 7-11 on the way home! You got FLOWERS?! I got zilch! not only from my husband, but from our 3 kids. Men need a shopper or someone to do that kind of thing for them. After 41 years of marriage, I have come to accept that if I want something special for a gift, I need to tell him specifically what to get and where. Mostly I go get something I want AFTER the day or before, and I tell him "This is what you got me for ....."
Failing this, you will need to tell him how you feel, using the "I" message ( I feel .... when...) not the "You" message (You never....)
Men after all are basically children.

Hi,

The grass is not greener, a lot of men are like that...my story is no different. However, with a son, you need to express the importance of gift giving and being outward focus on mother's day. You'll have to tell your husband what exacally you expect and what he can do.....I'm hoping that with time, he'll get it, but I'm not holding my breath. My son however, will get it!

So, I got a card with some heartfelt thoughts in it...it was a big win for me becasue expressing himself to me is not my husbands strength.

What is mother's day? Mother's day is celebrating being a mother. So I had brunch at my house, invited my best gal and her family over, my mother and her close friend and all the kids. I prepared everything, my husband cleaned and set everything for us....and we all enjoyed my day. Mother's day is about family...and mother's create family. It's a thankless job, but the memories are priceless. My point, if there is one, is that don't be so hard on your husband, on what he should and should not do....becasue you then miss the point and only rob from yourself and your family.

Mother of 5 month old girl and almost 3 year old boy!

S.

My husband is not into gifts either and I really enjoy the holidays liek Valentine's day, Mother's Day and my birthday.
So, last Mother's Day was my first and about 3 weeks prior I told my husband exactly what I wanted- for him to take my 11 month old son to one of those make your own pottery places and make a plate with handprints and feet prints. I reminded him each week and was happily(not)surprised on Mother's Day with a beautiful and sentimental plate. I was satisfied because he at least followed through. He may not think of things on his own, but if I tell him exactly what I want, he'll usually do it.
This method seems to work for us:)

Mother's Day is a weird concept. We didn't celebrate it growing up, so when I got married, I had to jump into gear for my MIL - who expected a major to-do! Once we had kids and nothing happened the first year for me (and yet I still had to make a major production for my MIL), I realized it's all about spending time with your kids and appreciating family and you can do that any day of the year. So I would plan a family outing to the beach or once my daughter and I had a High Victorian Tea together. I started buying (or would mention) a couple of inexpensive things that caught my eye or something I really wanted or needed and give them to my husband. I also make sure there's a really easy breakfast and dinner option available for them to make me.

This year the kids (10 and 14) finally took it upon themselves to make dinner THEMSELVES since it was Mothers' Day and they're the kids. I have to say, it wasn't the best meal I've ever had, but it came from the heart. So don't give up. Make the day you want - kids learn from actions. Don't try to retaliate by ignoring Father's Day and next year show what you'd like for Mother's Day. It'll take a little bit of work, but eventually you too will get that lovely meal of cold sweet potato fries, oily pot stickers and strawberry shortcake with cake that didn't rise because they forgot the baking powder!

What happened to "it's the thought that counts"? My husband is on disability and we've had to go on public assistance and he couldn't afford to get me anything this year - but he has given me three beautiful children without whom there would be no mother's day for me at all. Mother's Day is about your children. Your husband is not your child. Did you have a nice day with your son? If you and your husband are having marital problems you might be focusing on this gift problem instead of the real issues. If you are already feeling ripped off because you're working so much you might need to rethink your priorities and make a change. Being angry because your husband got you flowers on Mother's Day sounds out of balance to me. I would have been so happy if that had been me... besides, not all men are the greatest at picking out gifts, especially in the face of a previous "failure". Give your guy a break and wait until your SON is old enough to give you a gift himself!

Dear J. K.
Mothers day for me is spending time with my children. (now grown)and if my mother was alive I would always spend some time with her. For me when the children were young I worried more about seeing my mother and my husband always wanted to see his mother so we all tried to get together for brunch, lunch or a dinner of some kind. Now that my children are grown it is even more important for me to see my son's and if that is not possible a telephone call is always nice. This year my husband went to see his mother and he fixed her toilet, since she refused to go out for lunch. So he gave her her box of chocolates,a card and fixed her toilet instead. My children asked me to meet them for lunch and then we went to see a movie. (Star Trek)It reminded me of when they were young. Every year is a little different. I hope that you spent some time with your mom on mother's day because you never know how long she will be with you. You have so many mothers days ahead of you hang in there they do get better.Remember that you are not your husband's mother and be grateful for the card and flowers, it was a sweet gesture. Kiss the baby and remember tomorrow is another day.
W. P.

J.,

Many of these women have the wisdom of the ages. I, too, for a few of the early years of motherhood, did not feel like I was important. However, I must say now that I have been a mom for 9 years, Mother's Day is not as important as all the other days that my husband comes home and takes over disciplining the children. It is not as important as the hugs that the children give me before they go off to school every day. It is not as important as the cards and pictures they make for me all the time.

I felt that my husband did not value me as the mother of his children. What it really was, was that I was not HIS mother. He showed his appreciation for my by coming home every night and letting me stay home with our kids. As the kids have gotten older, he has had more fun with the holiday and they dictate what really happens. I am their mom.

D.

J.-

You've received some wonderful advice here, I could not read all the responses, but judging by the number, it really sparked some conversation!

First of all, Happy Mother's Day, I won't go into the issues with my past Mother's Days, as I had some feelings quite similar to yours in a different way.

I would strongly advise you to get the book "The Five Love Languages". It isn't that your husband does not love you, it is that your love language is different than his. Some people feel loved when others give them gifts, for some it is time spent with that person, or it could be words of love and affirmation, on and on.

Anyway, once you realize what your love language is, what your husband's is (works for children too), then you can begin to speak to that person in a way that makes them feel loved. If you speak English and I speak Spanish, some words may be similar but we cannot connect if we can't understand each other.

After 19 years, my husband finally understands what my love language means, acts of service. Flowers or jewelry are nice but they don't speak love to me as much as changing a baby's diaper or getting the car washed & putting gas in it, cooking dinner or doing the dishes. I hope I'm not confusing you. But that book can do more for your marriage and future happiness together if you can find what makes the other tick.

There are other great marriage help items, you don't have to be in trouble to take some classes. You get your car tuned up, you spring clean your house, take the kids for well visits at the doctors, what do you do for your marriage regularly to keep connected to each other? You can e-mail me privately for some wonderful classes in No. Cal if you are at all interested. I'm not a marriage counselor or teacher of classes, just someone who's been through stuff and found tools to help my marriage get better every year.

Bless you!

D.

I don't think this is really about Mother's Day. I think it has everything to do with whastever has been bringing your marriage to the brink of divorce over and over again. Of course I would be upset if my husband did nothing to acknowledge Mother's Day, but he gives me a card, makes sure my 6 yo son has supplies to make a card (my son makes gifts for MD at school), lets me sleep in for as long as I like, and makes sure I don't have to do anything I don't want to do on Mother's Day. That's it, and I'm good with it. I think that probably the reason I'm good with it is that I feel relatively appreciated on a day-to-day basis. I gave birth at 29 weeks to a 2 lb, 6 oz boy who then spent six weeks in the NICU and then had horrible GERD and other GI problems for his first 18 months. I would never think to tie that to Mother's Day. Hallmark wants you to buy cards, and restaurants want you to spend lots of money on brunch. A beautiful baby and a wonderful father. That was and is my gift, and that is much more important to me, my son's well-being, and our marriage than the jewelry that some of my friends received. If my husband did not acknowledge me at all on these occasions, I would be upset. But I don't believe that people show us how much they think of us as moms by what they give us on Mother's Day. I think they show us every day in their words and deeds. That is what I'm guessing you are missing. Also, perhaps he was raised in an environment where gifts were not expected on Mother's Day. My mother never wanted more than to be with her husband and kids on Mother's Day, and, therefore, that is how I feel, too. My favorite part of Mother's Day this year was sitting on our deck with my son cultivating seeds from some of the plants he grows -- spending quality time with my son. I just noticed that you said that you sometimes feel like you are missing out on the best years of your son's life. I also worked outside of the home, and I know that it is easy to lay a guilt trip on yourself. Perhaps you wouldn't need as much external validation of how you are doing as a mom if you felt more confident about that inside? Just a thought. Anyway, clearly I do think you are placing too much emphasis on Mother's Day. Unless you work at a card company, there is no "one" day to show a mom what you think of her as a mom. That should happen every day in little ways that don't necessarily cost a cent. I think you would benefit from exploring why you do not feel appreciated as a mom on a daily basis such that this one day became such a big deal for you. Does your husband never say thanks or give you a big hug after you've gone through a tough time with the kids? Also, are you guilt-tripping yourself such that no one other than yourself can give you the validation you need. Again, the troubles you mention in your marriage are, I think, more to the point than what your husband does or does not do on Mother's Day. I wish you the best.

Hi J.,

After 15 years, I've learned that my husband truly does his best. I also learned that I have to "help" him and my boys remember that it's Mother's Day. I drop subtle hints, and say, "Oh, I wish I had...." all 48hrs before Mother's Day.

Your husband is a man. A man cannot read your mind and know exactly how to make you feel on Mother's Day. Sure there are the "exception to the rule" husbands out there somewhere, but most men do not know how to do Mother's Day, Birthdays, and such. It's up to us moms to know how to get it done without them THINKING we helped! The story of our lives :o)

Your posting almost sounds like you know that already, and you are needing everyone to validate your feelings of frustration, because of this past Mother's Day, to use as an excuse for initiating a divorce. But, I don't consider this a reason for initiating anything against your husband. He is normal, and maybe even above average if you got FLOWERS for Mother's Day. It's only your 2nd Mother's Day and you already got flowers!

I mean, haven't you noticed on a Friday before Mother's Day, it's the WOMEN who are hugging and wishing their friends and aquaintances a Happy mothers Day nearly 2-3 days early. It's because we KNOW how important of a day it is. And we know that we are "the bomb", and we know that we need to make something out of this day because our husbands don't always know how to do things the way we need them to be done :O) Again, the story of our lives! :O)

~N.

Hello,

I can understand how you feel, but remember if you are thoughtful about gifts, not everyone will be like you. My husband cannot shop for me, nor anyone else. I would recommend you print out what you want and hand it to him, so you get what you want. I learned that, becuase not matter what he got me I was not going to be happy, he was not going to win. I realize it was me and I already set up my mind that I was going to be disappointed. Trust me, print it out and give it to him or buy it yourself and give him the bill.

Life is to short to worry about what you got or didn't get. You have a beautiful child to enjoy and worry about all at the same time. These are the little things you do not have to worry about.

All I wanted for Mother's Day was a nice day on the beach with him and my twins. I asked him to go alond with wahtever I wanted to do. He did and we both enjoyed the family time. We both work full time, so we took advantage of family time.

Hi Jenifer,

I am a homeschooling stay-at-home mom of 5. Ages 15, 10, 8, 4, and a newborn.

I think I'm a little backwards from the norm, but this is what Mother's Day means to me: It's a day when I can reflect on what it means to be a mom, and on how good of a job I've done for the past year. I believe that the best gift we are ever given is the gift of a child, and we have a huge responsibility to that child to be the best moms we can be. After all, if we're terrible moms, we're going to raise terrible kids who will turn out to be terrible parents.... Anyway, on Mothers Day, I like to think about how the year has gone, and what happened that was good, and what I can improve upon for the next year. This year I realized that I have been spending far too much time on the 'rules' and not enough time with the fun stuff - - like camping, arts & crafts, and things like that. I've noticed that play time is when most of the most memorable and teachable moments come from.

As far as how to address the Mothers Day issue with your husband, I think maybe being honest about how you feel during a quiet moment, not a tense moment, is the best way. Maybe he is also feeling unappreciated - and quite possibly he just doesn't know what to buy for a gift. I have been married to my husband for 19 years now... It took about 15 years for him to realize that I was serious when I said that I don't like flowers (unless they are live and planted in a pot), I don't like candy, and I don't like jewelry. My favorite gifts are those that are made by my kids or have a personal touch to them. But, like I said, it took 15 years for us to get on the same page there. lol :)

Also, maybe you can show him what you are looking for by your actions on Fathers Day. Give him a special day to remember, based on what he likes - and do something to show him that he's appreciated as a father. That way maybe he will begin to understand.

I wish you and your family the best. :) Happy Mother's Day to you. :)

R.
www.BeachBodyAtHome.com
www.HomeWithMy4.com

Hi J.,
It sounds to me like your major love language is giving. That's why you take such care in choosing just the right gift to delight the person you're buying for. You spend a lot of time and effort because "you care", and you believe that to do less means that the person doesn't really care.

There is a wonderful book about 5 Love Languages. They are Quality Time, Encouraging Words, Physical Touch, Giving Gifts, Acts of Service. Your husband speaks a different language, your child will probably have a different one as well. When you come to understand this it will take so much pressure off your husband, which can do nothing but help your marriage. He is probably frustrated that he can't seem to make you happy. I would suggest reading the book together that way you two could share the different languages that your families spoke, and how to best understand that when he is fixing something, he's really saying that he loves you. If both of you are learning how to keep each others emotional tanks full, you will both be so much happier.
As far as Mothers Day, I always thought that it was a day for kids to say "Thanks Mom for taking such good care of me." In that case it would be very appropriate for him to have his daughter pick out a gift, it would be her thank you. I wonder how she feels not seeing the gift she thought was so cool and wanted to give you not out on display.

I'm sending a hug as well, because I know how painful things like this are. I have walked through these same issues for many years, but focusing on my disappointments never seemed to help my family get better. Don't make a friendship with resentment.... it will cost you everything you really care about.

Wow you got a lot of responses! I am not going to read all 79 so pardon me if I am repeating what someoneelse has said but .. .
Have you ever seen the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? You may want to read it and have your husband read it. If your love language is gifts then you express and receive love by giving and receiving gifts. If your husband's love language is (for example) physical touch then that is how he gives and receives love. If he is trying to "say" I love you with touch but you can only "hear" I love you in gifts then it is like he is speaking spanish and you are speaking french.
I don't know if my thumbnail description makes any sense to you but please get the book - it could save your marriage. Good luck.

Ouch ! Mother's Day to me is showing your appreciation for all that mothers go though, To recognize You as the Mother of his son , his family and to be grateful for everything you as a Mother do .
Men just don't think about things the same way we do. It sounds that he didn't put any thought into your gift. I think if this keeps happening maybe you could suggest to him, " For next Mother's Day it would be really nice if you could ------"(fill in the blanks, something you would like)
Maybe for Father's day ,you could get yourself one of those pretty necklaces with a mother and child pendant and birthstone on it and some shaving lotion for him.
I hope you had a nice Mother's Day and continue to have wonderful days ahead ! K. P

J.,

I agree with most of the other posts. Your husband DID get you a card AND flowers!! What more did you want? I've been married almost 3 years. (I have a 9yr old from a previous marriage and a 16 month old with him) The first Mother's Day that we were married, I got nothing... he didn't know he was supposed to get me anything becasue it's "Mother's Day" and I am not his mother. I had to nicely explain to him that it's the husbands job to make sure the children have something nice to give their mom on Mother's Day, since they are too young to do it themselves. My 2nd Mother's Day we were running short on cash and I knew I wasn't going to be getting anything for Mother's Day... I told him that it doesn't have to be anything bought and that he could simply MAKE a card. Well, he DID and it turned out GREAT!! A few days later, (after he got paid)... there was a knock at the door and I got flowers!! This year... nothing... he did tell me Happy Mother's Day, but that was it. He said he'd buy me some perfume. Luckily my mom got me a Mother's Day Gift (a stuffed flower that says "I LOVE MOM" and a nice framed Mother's Day Poem. She gave these things to my 9yr old to give to me and he made me a card. It was sweet! Anyways, if you got flowers, be thankful that you got flowers... he is at least trying. I would encourage some marriage counsling... it couldn't hurt, and may save your relationship. Best of Luck to you and your family!

Sorry you're feeling that way. I am a mother of two girls (ages 6 and 3) and have another baby girl on the way. I can tell you this much -- you certainly got more than I did!! Been married to a great guy for almost 11 years but he just isn't the planning type. Our mother's day is spent the same way, every single year... I make the reservation at the restaurant of my choice, we pick up his mother and we all go to brunch then go home. That's it. No present, no nothing. It used to make me mad but, it's wonderful to be together. The only presents I got were from my sweet 6 year old. It was enough to melt my heart. Of course I'd be ecstatic if I got a present from hubby!! This year I gave him a hint and said that for next Mother's Day, I'd like him to send me away for a spa day, all by myself. Then we could all have dinner afterwards. He looked at me kinda of crazy at first then said, "OK!" Not the most romantic, but sometimes, you just gotta tell'em! Can't drown in my own pity party!

P.S. Thought I should add that since I knew I wasn't getting anything, I went to Nordstrom's and bought myself two pair of shoes! :)

It is not just your husband it is mine too! I have been married for 4 years now and only the first year (I have a son from a previous relationship) did my husband get me a gift. We had only been married for 1 month and we bought a video camera.

My husband doesn't put much into gifts at all it is flowers for Valentines Day sometimes a card for my Birthday and a card for Mothers Day. He actually has told me that I am not his mother and it is our kids responsibilty to give me a Mother's Day (our kids are 8, 3 & 2). You can not base your relationship on what he does or doesn't get you. And you still get him what you want to get him for the holidays, don't worry about what he gets for you.

I don't know to many husbands that get their wife a gift or put much thought into it and that is after many years of marriage.

Ask him how he celebrated Mother's Day as a kid. Did his father get involved? It is Mother's Day, remember, not your anniversary. I think the entire celebration has become so commercialized and that we have such high expectations from our husbands to read our minds. Just try to understand him more - if possible. As you child grows older and starts making you gifts you will lean less on your husband for this holiday. Hope this helps some.

Hi J.,

I wanted to respond because I really understand where you're coming from. My husband doesn't do a great job at Mother's Day either. This year he took us out to dinner, but I didn't get a card or flowers and he didn't really do anything to make me feel special. At dinner I finally asked him how he thought I was doing as a mom because he hadn't offered any words of encouragement all day long. Our son is about to turn 2 so obviously he didn't have anything planned either. The thing is that my husband knows Mother's Day is very important to me, and our first mother's day together was awful because I had just had a miscarriage and felt like a mother, but he totally ignored it. So not a good start. Now it's like he has this fear of disappointing me so he just doesn't even try. I bet your husband is feeling the same thing, like your expectations are so high that he could never meet them so why bother. It's infuriating, I feel like if I tell him my expectations he should be able to meet them, but it just doesn't seem to work that way for us.

The thing is, my husband is a great man and I know he loves me. I can choose to dwell on his shortcomings, or I can focus on what's great about him and not let the little things get to me. I make a point to thank God daily for all the good things about him and it really helps my attitude. We have talked about the whole Mother's Day issue before so now I just need to let it go. If he changes someday great, but if not that doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It's really true that you can't try to change your spouse. You can only choose to love them unconitionally. My dad never was good at Mother's Day either (he actually told my mom, "You're not MY mother!") but he did bring her little presents for no reason and he loved spending time with her. So she eventually chose to focus on that instead of being disappointed all the time. He passed away 3 years ago and now she misses him so much, and now she says she never would have complained about any of those things if she had it to do over again. Just cherish the good moments and let the rest go.

Another things that has helped me is letting other people fill my Mother's Day needs. My mom knows it's important to me so she always gets me a cute present and a sweet card. So I get the encouragement I need from her and that takes some of the pressure off my hubby.

Hi J.-

I wanted to respond to your post. You have gone through a lot, and definitely deserve the best Mother's Day you can imagine, every time. It sounds like your son is doing well, and I think that is the biggest gift that you can have on Mother's Day each day.

I think your disappointment in your husband goes beyond Mother's Day. Whether he does something small or little for you, it doesn't change what your relationship with him is. I'm afraid you may be setting yourself up to get disappointed if you really want Mother's Day to be a certain way, and it does not turn out to be that way. Please don't let what he does or does not do get in the way of you feeling all the pride and joy of being a mom on that special day.

Beyond Mother's Day, please see what can be done to repair your relationship. Until your relationship is better, don't think about the gifts you give or receive. That will work itself out as your relationship heals. Focusing on it will only drive him further away.

My relationship with my kids' dad didn't make it and I am divorced, so I create my own happiness. Mother's Day was wonderful for me because my boys woke up in my home and were happy to be with me. I took them to a flower shop and let them pick out a flower each for me. If I was to be married again, I hope to still be in charge of my own happiness. Whatever "he" brings to the table, will hopefully only add to that happiness.

Good luck to you...

Dear J.,
I certainly do know how you feel. But, please hang in there because I too have a son and he is the biggest heart melter and greatest gift.
I heard everything from "You're not MY mother" to even worse when we were in the store one time and I asked if maybe just once Dad might think of getting me something personal (not a new iron, laundry basket or set of steak knives). He literally said, and NOT in a quiet voice, "Just how personal do you want me to get? The TAMPON aisle is right over there!" I wanted to die.
The thing is, I have a whole family of wonderful women friends including my mother and my sister, and we take care of each other on Mother's Day. We are the ones who know what being a mom is all about and we are the ones who really appreciate all the things we do for each other. I have friends whose husbands get more excited about celebrating Cinco de Mayo than Mother's Day, so I always remember them with a card or flowers or a thoughtful letter. You have a son and you can teach him the art of thoughtfulness, which is maybe something your husband's mom didn't necessarily teach him.
The first time your little boy brings you a clump of flowering weeds, dirt clods and all, you will know that every day is Mother's Day.
Be thankful for the blessings you have and if your husband isn't big on Mother's Day, that's okay. Make it a day to spend doing what makes YOU happy and surrounding yourself with women who love you. I got flowers from my kids and from two of my best friends and spent the afternoon with my mom and sister. I truly had a beautiful Mother's Day.
Sometimes being a mom feels like a very thankless job.
The best rewards are usually in the small things.
You hang in there and I truly wish you a belated Happy Mother's Day!

Hi J. - happy belated Mother's day.

First off - sorry that you did not feel important. I want to share with you my experience and how I handled it. My husband is great at acknowledging my existence and gave me something rather 'extravagent' my first two mother's day. 'Extravagent' means necklace and a card. However, I finally was honest with him this year. I told him that i know how 'the fathers' are suppose to make mothers feel special especially when the kids are young. But I really did not feel that I wanted those materialistic gifts. I told him that this year, I would rather just tell him what I wanted for gift so he did not have to spend couple hundred dollars getting me stuff that I did not even want/need. This year - I picked out a pair of slippers and they were $10.00 on sale. He gave me a card on mother's day and that was it. I was VERY happy!!! I feel that we did not waste money on things that were not necessary in my eyes.

I feel that attitude is the most important thing - and that you should be very honest with your husband. Communication is extremely important in relationships and I wish you the best of luck with your family. I believe you can work through such issues.

good luck!

Hi J.,
Last year was my 1st MD as well and it took me only 1 MD to learn that it ain't so much about ME, but the other mother's in our lives! Personally, this one day is not so important to me, it's more about what all the other 364 days of the year compile. Yes, in the back of my head I was thinking "gee, I thought when I became a mother, this day would be all about me and what I wanted to do." Well, bless my husband as he patiently waited a week while I tried to get my brother to tell me if celebrating MD w/ my mom was going to fit in w/ whatever he & his wife were doing w/ his wife's mom (it didn't). Meanwhile, my husband's side of the family was trying to make their plans and include us and kept asking and asking and asking. So, on the actual day my husband got up before I did and ran around town shopping for a gift & a pastry for me at 7am. I could have chose to be annoyed that he waited until day of, but really, he went to something like 6 stores in one morning! He then made breakfast for my mom and I (blueberry pancakes that my mom had requested). Personally, I would have liked to have strolled the stroller a mile to our favorite breakfast joint and enjoyed the sunshine along the way. By the way, my gift was a rose plant and a card (I'd say the same as flowers and a card!). My mom hung out for hours after breakfast & my husband was so nice about it. I knew he just wanted to go work in the yard or play on the computer. She left about 2 minutes before we had to jump in the car and drive 2 hrs. to have dinner w/ his mom, grandmother a dozen other relatives at the same chain restaurant we went to 2 yrs. prior on MD. It was packed and the food was terrible...again. So, what did I learn? Well, my mom was tickled to come over for brunch, my mother-in-law and grand-mother-in-law were appreciative we made the effort to drive so far for MD to spend it w/ him. Reality is, I don't think myself nor my husband spent more than 3 minutes talking to his mom and grandma as the restaurant was so loud and we were chasing our toddler around. The REAL gift my husband gave me was the giving of his time and self on MD to my mom. That meant more to me than any material gift he could have given me. I say try to let it go and concentrate on what your husband does do for you that you may not realize such as the everyday things that are not on Mother's Day. I'm sure you can think of some.

There is a series of books called The Five Love Languages and yours sounds like gifts. I think the others are time together, touch, words of affirmation and doing things for someone. I think I have them right. :) At any rate we tend to love others in our own love language and the books tell you how to find out what that language is for your spouse or child so that you can love them they way that means the most to them. Your husband probably can't grasp how important gifts are to you because his love language is something completly different. Educating him will go far but maybe you two could read the book for couples and it might bring you closer together.

I feel your pain..I didnt get a thing from my husband. But that's nothing new.

Mother's Day for me finally coming into its own...My children have always made me breakfast in bed...my "baby" just turned 21...This year...I was scheduled to work at a spa and pamper the Moms who came up...I was up a few hours before my strawberry pie was presented...I worked...then went to a BBQ/family dinner at my oldest daughters house...I received cards and letters from my children...and they are finally able to voice their love...you are their Mom...not your husbands Mom...and although being acknowledged is a perk...its a labor of love you chose into...create your joy and your traditions with your child/children...its really between you and them...

My heart to yours,

T.

I feel for you sweetie and so sorry that he doesn't get "it"

My hubbie is very similar in that he doesn't do any planning and says it is because we are tight with money. I explained that I would rather he think really hard and write me a (free) love note about why my Mommy-hood is appreciated than any expensive thing he would be able to find.
This year he gave me a foot rub, made breakfast and played an awesome game with our 4 year-old with each taking turns saying what they love about mommy. I felt so special and so appreciated and it didn't cost a thing!

I think that your husband does need to know how you feel and maybe he'll understand that he can make you feel important and pampered without buying anything

J.,
At least you got the flowers!!!My first 5 years was nothing, he thought mothers day was for his mom, not the mother of his children. It didn't change until I started picking out what I liked and putting it on hold, or taking the kids with me, so they could tell daddy what mommy wanted.
W. M.

People have different personalities when it comes to giving. I can't remember where I saw the list of the different types. It sounds like the two of you are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Does your husband show you how much he cares and loves you throughout the year. This may not necessarily mean giving you things. Does he care wheather he gets gifts and what he gets? If he doesn't care about getting gifts then they are just not a high priority in his life. Once you figure out where he stands on gift giving it may be easier for you to understand where he is comming from and be happy that you got flowers. As you can tell from other posts, most men don't think far enough in advance to plan out the perfect gift. Next year, and as your son gets older you may want to start coaching your husband to go shopping with your son. I did this for Christmas. It is important for your son's future relations to learn to think about others.

I dragged my husband to the mall and I picked out what I wanted for Mother's Day.

I feel you! My husband is terrible about gifts and cards too. Every now and then he will splurge and get me something extra special to "make up for" not doing so well the rest of the time. I have tried to make him understand how I feel for 18+ years and he has not changed. I have...I don't put as much time into his gifts or I just take him with me to buy him something.

This year he took me out to breakfast because we didn't have time to go grocery shopping on Saturday. He also bought minutes for my phone, which I would have had to buy anyway, a $15 iTunes gift card and a new sun tea jar. However, he made me go shopping with he and the kids...he didn't surprise me and the kids whined and argued the whole time.

I think most men just don't get gift giving unless their family was really into it when they were kids. My husband was one of three boys and most of the gifts they received were homemade because as he says, "his was poor". I'm not sure what to tell you, but I sure commiserate!

I certainly can relate to this! My first couple of mothers days were hard too because my husband was never a big card/gift giver and he just didn't get what the big deal was. Instead of gifts, I started asking for time for myself on mothers day, an afternoon out with friends, lunch, mani-pedi, whatever.
It sounds like you and your husband have some deeper issues so I really encourage you to keep communicating and ask specifically for what you want. I know it's frustrating because you assume that he should know and do it automatically (and some men do, god bless them!) but let's face it, they're only men and generally speaking, they're just not wired to be as thoughtful as us when it comes to these things. Hopefully he cares about you enough to try and step it up a little.
It will get better as your son gets older because he will make gifts for you which are the best gifts of all! I have a drawer full of mothers day cards, poems and pictures which are some of my most treasured possessions :)
Good luck and HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU!

Mother's Day is a day to spend fun time with my family. The presents are nothing compared to time. I think you are out of line on this. If your husband takes care of his responsibilities day to day, is a decent father, reasonable hiusband, then forget the showy aspects of Mother's Day. One day a year doesn't matter. Every normal day matters.

Please figure out what YOU can do on your side to fix the marriage so that your kids will have a good shot at a healthy life. When your husband sees YOUR effort, then I bet he will start trying more on his side.

Good luck,
Magraret

Mothers Day is about celebrating moms (not wifes)valentines day is for husbands and boyfriends.Mothers day is realy about the little treasures we get from our kids when they are little. (picking flowers, making a drawing etc)Those are the things that matter!Also Mothers day is about celebrating OUR moms.

P.S You are missing out on the best years of your little ones lifes.They are only little for a short time!Enjoy that precious time with them.www.SayNoToDaycare.com

H.

Hi J.,
I know what you are saying, however, seeing you were on the brink of divorce he may not have cared at that point so he put little to no effort in the process under the circumstances. I became a mom for the first time when my first son ws born Nov 05 and my husband is a musician on the side and was asked by a friend to play a gig at a windery on mothers day. My son was 6 months old. So this was how my 1st MD was spent. His mother drove up to Discovery Bay from Sunnyvale, my mother (lives down the steet)came over and we went to brunch. Remind you my husband was more involvoed in planning of the gig then the mothers day. If felt like i wasn't even in the room. Throughout brunch he was racing to meet the other band guys to set up and that was the only thing on his mind. to get there and play on time. JOY!!!!! He gave me flowers in the morning but if felt like he did his duty and was done with it. All of us met him over at the winery later and we spent the afternoon enjoying the music, having wine and spending time with the grandmas's got to spend time with the new baby. It was so hot that day but we took pictures together during his breaks. That is what mother's day has been to me. It all turned out nice in the end. He did this same gig 2 years in a row and I wasw actually done with it. When I was pregnant with our second child I told him sorry not happening next time as I will have 2 kids now. SO this year, we planned a day at the park with his family and mine. The boys had a great time and there were no lines, crowds and everyone was happy. It was a long day but it was a memorable one. Mother's day should be about you and how you spend it with your family. That is why you are a mother. Money is tight for everyone right now seeing the way the economy is so its not about what you get but what you do in my opinion. My husband gave me a super nice card with and a gift card. Next year Im all about doing nothing and staying home and have everyone come over and hang out. Everyone has this Hallmark imgane about holidays and what fun is by the media. Not what is means to you in your heart. My one friend has MD rules, which is kind of funny. No one can touch her for the day. Now that is a vacation to me. you make it what you want but don't put a bow on it by expecting things to take place. That is just my 2 cents worth.

SAHM/Zombie 2 amazing fun loving little boys.3 year old little boy and 10 mos started walking at 7 months and was 5 weeks premature. they are the live of my life.

I agree with the first responce about your expectations. If this one day of the year was the only time we get appreciation, then that would be truely sad and make it all a very thankless job. Would you rather that he save it all up for the one day? Mother's Day to me is everyday, same with Valentines day. My husband isn't especially romantic, so the flowers and card are a reach for him and I make a point to recognize that fact and give him BIG points for the effort. Also, I feel like Mother's Day is celebrated everytime my little girl smiles at me and offers a garbled "I uv you"; and demands huggs and kisses - that is priceless to me and I cherrish every one.
Also, it sounds like your husband doesn't speak the same "love language" as you do. That's NOT to say he doesn't care. He will more naturally show he cares by doing for you, what he wants you to do for him. Just like you spend lots of energy on picking out the perfect gift for him - he probably doesn't appreciate it as much as say touching or spending quality time together... Consider training him as the first post suggests, on how to show his appreciation and then make an effort to express your love for him the way you know he appreciates. I think you'll find your relationship will change dramatically.
Men are simple creatures, and love is a cycle. If your marrage is something you want to save, YOU my dear sister have all the power to change the cycle - no matter who started it. Just make the effort to respect him and honor him in all you do, and he will love you in return (like putty in your hands). You deserve it and so does your son.
Blessings to you.

J.;
I do know what you are going through is tough. Before you make any decisions please consider going to talk to someone. Please look at this website http://www.ode2life.com/ Liat teaches incredible concepts and tools and the price is reasonable and worth every penny when you consider everything else. I know she has new groups starting soon, teaching us how to be happy with ourselves first (which can be a hard concept to grasp but try it for your son.) You can call her and she will tell you about it. I HIGHLY recommend considering this.
S.

I don't have time to read all these responses, but I just wanted to second what another mama commented on. Some of the moms are being VERY harsh in their responses to you. Each and every one of us has our own "love language" and for you your primary love language sounds like it's receiving gifts. And that's completely fine! For some it's words of affirmation - for others it could be quality time. It's important in a marriage to find what the primary love language is of the spouse and understand what will fill their "love tank" on full. I just think some of the other mama's on this site need to understand not all of us work in the same way, be a little nicer!
Happy Mother's Day, by the way, you're doin' a GREAT job!!!!!

check out this site, this book helped my marriage a lot (and counseling) :)
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

Hello J.,

I would first of all like to say Happy Mother's day! Second I would like to appologize if anything I say may come out rude, email is so hard sometimes to get a point accross.

I am a single mother of a 9 month old daughter, she is my only child, this was my first Mother's Day and I enjoyed it very much. She even gave me a very sloppy poopy diaper, what a sweetheart! =) What I would like to say is all the advise that other's are giving you in self help books, etc. are a waste of time. The book where all answers can be found is in the Holy Bible =) I have found such peace and comfort knowing that out loving Savior is always here for me! There is an amazing movie, made by Christian film makers called Fireproof, I think it would be a fabulous movie for both you and your husband to watch together!

Mother's Day should not be about what you get and don't get, and the thought of flowers is a great one that should be treasured. I think after watching the movie you and your husband will see that everyday should be mother's day and father's day and that the love and respect you give each other should be daily! When we leave this earth we will not take any material items with us, don't get me wrong they do make like funner and easier, but it will be the memories that will live forever.

God Bless,

T.

Good morning,

Well Happy belated Mother's Day to you! Sorry you feel so hurt about not receiving what you wanted for Mother's Day. As said most men do not put a lot of thought into the gifts they buy. If he was never good at giving gifts then you really shouldn't expect a good one. Mother's Day is for our moms. I don't expect my husband to buy me anything for Mother's Day and my daughter is not even 2 yet so she obviously will not get me anything but a big hug and some tantrums...hehehe. I spend the day with my own mom and sister for Mother's Day. If his mother is living does he give or send her anything for Mother's Day? I have to tell my husband to buy his mom a card for Mother's Day. Sorry that you have been hurt, but really what are materialistic things anyway. They end up broken or thrown away eventually. Plus wait until your child is older and you will get something every year from them from their arts and crafts at school. I hope that you and your husband can work things out and be happy. Don't base your relationship on things you receive or have. Have a great day!

First let me say, that some men don't think they need to do anything for you as you are not there mother. I tell my husband if I have a good mothers day you will have a good fathers day. I really believe that they have to be trained and that could take years. The other thing is ask for what you want. They are terrible mind readers. The other thing you can try is to make your own Mothers Day. Take yourself for a pedicure or a day at the beach, whatever it is you want , leave him home with the kids. I have been narried for 15 years in August and this was the first year my husband bought me a card. But I had a great Mothers Day because I planned what would make me happy and had low expectations for the rest of them.
Hope this helps.

You do have the power to change your own expectations and ideas of what Mothers Day means to you. Mothers Day to me means giving to those I love, something that makes me very happy to give them to show them how much I appreciate my family. I hate being caught up in commercial American expectations of material gift receiving just because I bore children. I love receiving a phone call, a hug, a special hand picked boquet of dandelions. I let them know how much I appreciate their thoughts of me because that is what makes me really happy. I hope your future Mothers Days are filled with love and family and that you don't create a world for yourself that is lonely and sad anymore.

Sorry you had a disappointing 2 mother's days! I have heard of an amazing book called The 5 Love Languages. I haven't read it yet, but from what I hear it addresses exactly what you are talking about...you feel loved by thoughtful gifts...which is one of the 5, your husband may feel loved by another "language" like touch. We tend to do for others what our language is- like you get gifts for people to show you love them when their way of knowing they are loved might be another "language". You might want to check it out, I have heard it can save marriages :) Good Luck! BTW- My husband and daughter got me flowers and cards. I took myself out for a massage, worked good for me :)

I agree with others who have mentioned expectation levels. You received a card and flowers, which sounds lovely to me, but from your "request" it sounds like you want more. Did you expect more because you were/are on the verge of divorce? Having said this, we need to remember that Mother's Day (Father's Day too) was created by an advertising agency many many years ago in an effort to help retail sales. Now, many of us expect great things because it is "our" day.

My boys are adults now and are fully responsible for the "gifts" they choose to give me, or not. My husband knows(because I tell him) that I won't cook, clean, do laundry, etc, or do anything I don't wish to regarding housework on Mother's Day. I enjoy the fact that he takes charge of dinner so all I have to do is enjoy it (though we went grocery shopping together and I do cook the veggies). When our 3 boys were young, they went to the store with their Dad and picked out a nice card, usually accompanied by grocery store flowers. Restaurant meals on Mother's Day are highly over rated because they can be crowded and service is usually not very good (tried it a couple of times).
I'd say if you got flowers and a card, that would be great in my book. He's acknowledged you on Mother's Day in a way that's different from other days. If you're not satisfied with what he did, next year tell him in advance what you expect. He may or may not come through. I would take some time to reflect on why the gifts are clearly very important to you.
Good Luck!

In my house if my husbands mom is in town, it is all about her. His sister even said to me once, at the end of a very long dinner with me sitting attending to my almost 2 year old in a very fancy restaurant, "I just realized your a mom too." I nearly killed her.
But, now that the girls are in school. They always make a nice gift in class. I am not my husbands mom. I have learned that I can have my mothers day on a different day. This year, we made dinner together. (I cleaned up...) And the girls gave me big hugs all day long.

I don't really have any advice I just want to let you know I think you are justified in feeling dissapointed.
As your son gets older, he will take on gifts himself usually at school, but while he is so young I feel it's definitely your husband's responsibility. I wish you many happier Mother's days!

I've found that some men just don't have that romantic touch. My daughter's father and I split when my daughter wasn't even 2 for this reason. My advice for Mothers Day to you is, "it's your day, you plan what you want to do." You will never be disappointed then. As for gifts, they are just material items. My little girl used to get me flowers every year for my birthday, mother's day, valentines day, etc. Every time I would tell her they were the most beautiful flowers I'd seen, even if I might have been disappointed in the same thing year after year. I've learned if I really want something, you have to ask for it.

It was said earlier, but it's all about expectations. If you expect a lot, you are going to have to make it happen. Also, you will probably have to wait until your child is a little older for the day to really feel like it's your day.

I also want to add that it seems like there might be something else other than disappointment over a mother's day gift.

Finally, I wouldn't say anything about the gift(s). If you say too much, you may not get anything in the future. On the next gift giving opportunity help him out more.

Hi J., I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been married for 26 years. Ever since I can remember, I get very emotional around any holiday, birthday, anniversary time. My husband, who I love very much, never puts thought into anything. My husband works very hard, 7 days a week and he was up early Sunday morning. I was waiting for him to at least wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but he never did. When he asked what was wrong, I asked him why he didn't say anything. He said he had'nt got around to it, yet he was able to make several business calls. That hurt my feelings. He then went out and got a card, balloon, and flowers. To me, it just didn't mean the same. I should know better, cause he has always been like that, yet it still hurts. I friend laughed at me and said well your not his mother. My kids did get me something, but they are grown so they should get it on their own. I would just try to find the good in your husband, and not focus on presents for Mothers Day etc....I really don't have any advice to give, I just wanted to let you know you are not the only one.

I'm sorry i don't have advise, but just support. cuz i'm divorcing my husband who almost never took care of me or supported me & even more so after i became a mom. i don't think it's wrong to want and need to feel important, taken care of and cared for. being a mom is THE hardest job there is & we all sacrifice so much. So congratualtions on surviving the first few tough months with your son and enjoy every free moment you have with him - i understand how you feel about missing out. Happy Mother's Day! you ARE a Special and Wonderful Mom! your son will recognize that more and more the older he gets.
good luck!

Men just don't get it. My husband and I got into a fight this year for Mother's Day. Let me start out by saying 2 years ago (my first mother's day) my husband bought me a beautiful necklace/charm. Last year he went to the store and bought all the stuff needed to go on a hike and picnic as a family. Both were wonderful. I just had my second child 6 weeks ago. This year, my husband didn't even buy me a card or wish me a happy mother's day until after I said something to him in the late afternoon. We bbq'd over at his mom's house and hung out by the pool. I felt it was mostly for his mom, not me. When I was upset about his lack of thought, he told me he didn't want to buy in on a commercial holiday. I am not materialistic but it really hurt my feelings that he didn't even get me a card. My in-laws didn't get me a card either. My friends thought more about me and all texted me. My mother was the only one who sent me a card. I think that it is nice to have a day dedicated to appreciating MOM. We don't get enough thanks on a daily basis. I feel for you. Happy Mother's Day! All moms need to be appreciated and I am sure your son appreciates you even if your husband doesn't. Hugs!

Well, if it was me, I would have appreciated the gifts you mentioned that your husband gave you. I have been a mom for almost 19 years now, and what I enjoy most on Mother's Day is that my husband (sometimes with help from the children) makes breakfast, and usually we go out to dinner with my mom and dad (my dad treats us). So, I guess I'm pretty lucky in having those meals provided. As the kids have grown--they are now 9, 13, and 18--the best Mother's Day memories have been gifts or cards they have made for me. Many preschool and elementary school teachers come up with the most charming ideas for gifts, such as handprints of the kids or cards with photos and the kids writing sweet things about their moms. As for actual gifts, they have varied from chocolates to flowers to a new front garden path.

I do understand what it is like to feel neglected on a holiday--at my most recent birthday, my husband forgot to get a gift at all, and the kids got into a huge fight, and I did vent to him about that. But as to the nature of the gift, I guess I don't think I should tell someone else what they should give, unless they ask. I hope that things get better between you and your husband.

Hi J.,

I've been married 16 years, and these types of things hurt me so bad in the beginning. I must say that over the years I have tried to give up the carnal desires of my heart that we all have. With almost having a divorce myself last year, I was kind of jolted back into reality of what really matters in life. It's the relationships that are the most important. I have a house full of beautiful things, granite counters, a lovely yard, brand new furniture, and I was STILL unhappy.

This year, my husband took us out to chinese, then on the way home I needed to stop and get some necessities at the grocer. He wouldn't come in with me. At the checkout, a sweet man in front of me was buying the household groceries and flowers for his wife. I thought "What a lucky woman. I haven't had flowers in 12 years." I come out to the truck with my cart, and my husband's seat is reclined and he's "resting" and while I unload all the groceries!I felt even worse now. but I immediately stopped my thinking,and thought about all the thankful stuff ( he took me to dinner, he made an arbor for me last weekend, he works everyday to supply me with my desires, etc).

You see if we focus on the bad stuff, we can always come up with a plethora of stuff and it can indeed make us feel worse. Try to find all the good stuff, and think on that. Try to have a thankful heart and that will combat those feelings of injustice. Satan wants to break up marriages and, just like a little devil sitting on your shoulder, prods us into thinking thoughts that will destroy our relationship with others. Always remember he is behind those bad feelings.
With that said, I know as humans we all have needs that we must have met in our relationships. I have read so many relationship books, including "The 5 Love Languages". The book I reccommend to you is called "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS," by Harley. It points out, in no uncertain terms, how basic human needs are so strong, it will make even the most devout person leave a realtionship. Our needs are a very strong driver in our actions and we will go to great lengths to get those met...even in an affair. Get him to read this book. It also has some worksheets in it. I have two other books to recommend that were absolutely phenomenal at changing our thinking patterns. For him to read "IF HE ONLY KNEW, WHAT NO WOMAN CAN RESIST" by Gary Smalley. For you to read: SACRED INFLUENCE; WHAT A MAN NEEDS FROM HIS WIFE TO BE THE HUSBAND SHE WANTS" by Gary Thomas.

God bless you J., and hang in there.

J.,

I've been married for almost 10 years now and I've had to change my expectations. When our first child was born, I rec'd a cast iron pot! He said, "I know you love to cook..." I could have hit him over the head with it! But after the birth of our second child, he made up for it! Because when our son was 7 months old, I became pregnant with our third... he definitely made up for it. I think it was how he was raised. His mom, married three times... not a great example to live by. Not a lot of recognition from his mom or from the step dads. I've had to change my expectations of what to expect. What's the best part? Now my oldest is in Kindergarten and she made the best card ever! My two younger ones are in preschool, they made me great cards too... I am truly thankful for what I have and I love them. Have an attitude of gratitude.

I think you should be grateful that you got something! There are many great moms (including myself) that got nothing! My husband went out and bought cards for his step mom and his mom, and made sure that they were all set for MD...but didn't even bother to get me one. He also didn't even help my 2 year old son to put something together. I was so mad. I would like to say this was the first time this has happened, but he did the same thing to me at CHRISTMAS!!!! Sorry there are no excuses for the second time, especially after explaining how hurt I was after the first time. I finally told him that I was very hurt about MD, and that I didn't want to hear any excuses...and truse me, he had plenty. None of them were valid. Basically came down to he didn't know what to get me, and a "card wasn't good enough". Hello? A card wasn't good enough, but NOTHING was? He is deeply apologetic, and feels bad NOW. Come Father's Day...it is just another day! Unfortunately it won't have the same consequences. Men are just different, and it won't have the same affect, but it is worth a shot.
I told him how I feel, and I feel that communication is def. the key! But I think you should be happy that you got something...because something is better than NOTHING!

I can commiserate with you completely. We've been married for almost 10 years now and we've been parents for two. He was very thoughtful about special days until 7 years into the marriage. I figured it was just a busy time and it would get better. I've tried hard to change my expectations and to be proactive like giving hints on what I'd like or what I'd like to do for Mother's Day. My husband was out of town on business for my first Mom's Day, but bless his heart he remembered to send a card to me and my mom who was staying with me at the time. Honestly, it went downhill after that. My husband forgot to get me a birthday card for my birthday a few months after Mother's Day last year and he ended up making one on his computer at work with the help of a coworker. I was appreciative, but a little hurt. I try to be an example in terms of remembering his birthday and making a special meal (one of his favorites) or asking him ahead of time what he'd like to do. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but about a month later I made the point of having a conversation with him about how I was stressing out being a new mom and trying hard to be sensitive to his needs and not ask for much help or even a break because I knew he was so busy. Did it work? Maybe for two weeks, but ultimately he is the same as many guys described in these responses here. My husband told me I need to be blunt and honest and I told him I refuse to be a nag. As far as holidays and gifts go, I've decided I won't get to celebrate unless I plan it (that goes for Mother's Day, Birthday, and Christmas) and offer suggestions or buy my own gift and tell him what I got. Now that I'm a mom, I desperately want to make special days special, whether it is with gifts, a family activity, a family meal, something to at least share together. I want to have special traditions so my son can see what it means to be a family and how women should be treated and how men should be treated....we should aim to please one another. I plan on taking the advice from the other posts about the Five Love Languages book. I came to the conclusion my husband has a different love language than I do and I attributed a lot of that to basic difference between men and women. So now what? I have gotten very depressed of some other basic issues like feeling guilty to ask for a break and feeling like I'm inconveniencing my husband if I ask for a break while my son is awake...he seems to think I should only take a break when my son is asleep for naptime or nighttime, but that's a whole different issue. I know this will sound harsh, but I feel like being a mom really is a lonely job and the last thing I even want to think about after feeling unappreciated by my husband is being intimate with him. Then I try to take a deep breathe and look forward to another day, another chance to do better, communicate better. You are so not alone and I am so glad you posted this topic. I wish I had a magic answer....like planning a date night, but I haven't even managed that one yet so I can't suggest something I haven't been able to achieve. Communication is key too, but then I am currently feeling like the only time my husband wants to talk is when he wants to be intimate....it's almost like I can see it coming a mile away....it's as though he's focused on me just so we will be intimate. I have faith things will get better with time and pray for wisdom to communicate more effectively and continue to strive to do things that make him happy with the faith he will eventually do the same. Good grief, I'm sorry for venting, but you hit a hot topic for me and I appreciate what you shared. Sorry I don't have a magic answer, but do know you are not alone. All the best to you...

You would never guess in a million years what I received for Mother's Day from my husband. He came home, said he had something in the trunk for me. It was "mullberry leaves" for our silkworms! Now he gets those for me every few days from a lady's tree a few blocks away. We have silkorms for science for out day care kids. Our first Christmas he bought me a beautiful robe but what I really needed was a warm jacket. I didn't say anything. It was all down hill from then. One year we were at Costco close to my birthday. I saw something I liked and said, "I am getting this as my birthday gift from you to me." He thought that was a great idea that I do my own shopping. I don't think so but I do get something I really want and need. He says he doesn't know what I like, but he really does. How can he not after 42 years of marraige! He is just lazy! Oh I do care alot less what I give him now as year after year for any holiday or birthday I feel not cared about. He thinks my hurt feelings are silly. Some men do not know how to make points with their wifes. Do they not know the benefits that would come their way with treating us special once in awhile? I have friends whose husbands are like mine and others who husbands are great romatics all of the time. Husband's oldest brother is a real sweety pie and he passed on after 50 years of marriage.
My friend's husband too is a real sweetie pie all of the time. By men appreciating what we do makes us appreciate them more. I feel for you. I have tried all of these years with no success. We did go out to breakfast after Church on Mom's Day but we do that every Sunday so that doesn't count! My granddaughter has gotten him to shop for Christmas a little but but then it is from her really and not him; not his idea or thought went into it. May God bless you and your family. I honor you for being a nurse. You are such a blessing to all you care for. Thank you.
F.

First of all, Happy Belated Mother's Day! As a mother of 2 boys, I know where you are coming from. Women ROCK. Anyway, I don't usually respond to these, normally just skim for interest/identification.

All I wanted to say to you is to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Have you been open to him about your needs/desires? If not, let him know how you feel about his lack of appreciation/consideration (or however you phrase it) and then get a read on how he responds. The "real" him will come out. Maybe he is unaware of what it is that makes you feel appreciated. Maybe not. The only way you will find out is to communicate.

Good luck! K..

Hi, J.,
I know you probably have WAY more responses that you possibly need! I am very sorry to hear that you were disappointed by your mother's days...it seems (as some other moms pointed out) that you don't feel appreciated enough throughout the year. I know you probably want to be treated like a queen on Mother's Day to make up for the rest of the rough year, but I think if you can work through your marital issues, you won't feel so badly during Mother's Day. I think the gift your husband got for you the first year is a really sweet and kind idea. The fact that he had his 14 year old daughter pick it out only points to the fact that he may have felt that another female would do a better job of picking out the appropriate design. I don't think you should give him any less credit. It was a very nice gesture. As someone else pointed out, it is not your anniversary, it is Mother's Day. As your son gets older, in my opinion, it is more important for your husband to help your child show his appreciation for you, because you are your son's mom, not your husband's mom.

This year, I got the same as you from my husband...2 dozen roses and the white card that comes with the flowers. I thought it was terribly thoughtful. I actually regretted that he would have spent the money on flowers at all. Then he let me sleep in until 10 AM (I have two boys, 1 and 4, so he watched the kids), then he took them shopping by himself, so that I could take a nap later on (I have been tired lately!) and then BBQ'd for me. He took my 4 year old son to pick out whatever he wanted to for Mother's Day and my son came home with a small heart-shaped individual cake for me! It was really cute. I don't think it is the gift that matters, it is the fact that they thought of you. So I think any effort on your husband's part should be appreciated.

Just being a mom to wonderful kids is thanks enough. Mother's Day is just a day that everyone shows they understand the hard work we go through. If you focus on what your husband did do instead of what he did not do, I think you will see life in a more positive light. I have had to do the same for my marriage. When I get cranky and mad (and threatening divorce), I stop and realize how much my husband DOES do that I have taken for granted.

Good luck, J.! I hope your marriage improves and that you enjoy next year's Mother's Day!

If you knew he doesn't care about gifts and material things when you married him, you have no reason to complain now. You know, there's a lot of us out here who don't care about things like "Mother's Day," which was invented by the Hallmark card company so it could increase it's profits.(Just like father's day, grandparent's day, secretary's day, etc.)

I come from a family where we hardly remember when each other's birthdays are, and Christmas is just a day when we like to get together and share a nice meal. We give little presents to the kids on Christmas, but not to the adults. We try to treat each other decently EVERY day. We try to show each other that we matter EVERY day. Occasionally we give gifts to each other, unconnected to any "holiday."

Does your husband treat you decently every day? Does he show you that you matter every day? Do you treat him decently and show him that he matters every day? If not, maybe you should be talking about a divorce. If you do treat each other decently and show each other that you matter to each other, then you have nothing to complain about.

I can understand to a point where you are coming from, but I also agree with Toni's last paragraph that you should consider why you married him and if he is emotionally supportive and a good father. My husband is an awful gift giver. (And pretty clueless to that fact.) I used to be hurt that he didn't seem to put any thought into his gifts and wanted me to give him a Christmas list every year. My argument was that he should know me well enough to know what I want! Well, that's just not who he is, and it doesn't mean I am not loved. Every once in a while he surprises me with something unexpected and lovely. We will celebrate our 14th anniversary this year.

I don't know what kind of present you expected, but a diffuser and flowers sound like nice things to me: they are obviously for you and not for him or even for your household... If he starts buying you his favorite things, I'd be worried! You acknowledged that you are materialistic, and I wonder if you just need to spell out to him what kinds of gifts you would appreciate: jewelery? art? fancy knickknacks or collectibles? clothes? fancy outings? travel?

Just because he doesn't buy you "things" doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If you measure love by what objects are given, I think that is a sad state of affairs for your relationship and maybe something deeper is going on.

I'm sorry about the disappointment you felt over Mother's Day, it sounds like you have high expectations. I don't think Mothers Day is about the gifts, I love the fact that God has blessed me with children and that is a gift in and of itself. My mom cooks lunch on mother's day for her mom-in-law (her mom passed away), her dad, my family and her sister-in-law. She works for days before to prepare for all of us coming for lunch, she finds joy in seeing everyone together and seeing her family smiling is a gift to her. If your hubby is a bad gift giver than stop putting so much hope in getting a good gift, you'll only disappoint yourself, just find joy in the fact that you have children (many people close to me don't/can't have children and long for one so badly).

I agree with Roxanne. Mother's day is not about your husband buying you gifts. It is about being a mother to your children. When they are older they will make you cards and "buy" you gifts. You are not his mother. It would be different if he ignored your anniversary or birthday.

Hey J.,

You are not alone in this boat. I have two children, 6 and 3. My very first mother's day ever my husband got me absolutely nothing, didn't even wish me a happy MD. When I told him I was hurt he said he didn't even think of it. After all, I wasn't HIS mother. This year at 1:00 in the morning he comes to bed, wakes me up and says, Oh, I didn't get you anything from the kids. Then in the morning I get up at 6:30 when my son wakes up and he sleeps in until 8:30, gets up, again, not even a mention of MD. I do have to say that last year he got me a $100 gift card to a spa, but that's because my neighbor was going there to get one for his wife and so he asked him to pick one up for me too.

Hi J.~

I can tell you that my husband came from a family where gifts and cards and that sort of thing is no big deal so he is totally not good at it. I have to say, it has taken some reconditioning on my part but in some ways, it has made my life easier because I don't have to go through the trouble for him...so when I am way too over booked, it is something I don't have to worry about. It sound slike you guys are going through a rough patch and I think maybe you could try and shift your focus away from the material gifts (which he obviously doesn't do well at) and try to focus on maybe spending some quality time together doing something you both enjoy ( with or without your sweet baby). My hubby and I have to remember to do some day trips just for us- it helps us remember how much we love each other and get away from the daily routine. Hang in there mama!

J.,

I would suggest reading the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. It is a real eye opener. Good luck.

Hi J.,

You do sound like you are frustrated and I feel compassion for your situation. A new baby is life changing in so many ways. I have a few books to suggest. They helped me. It is hard to change someone else, like a husband. The only person who is in your power to change is yourself and how you relate to the situation. I know finding clarity when emotions are running high is tough! These books will help carve out a space for caring for yourself and might help you with the communication difficulties you are having. It sounds like you are not feeling heard when you say you need a greater sense of connection and appreciation. Because you mentioned divorce, I think the mother's day issue is the tip of the iceberg. Many couples have to face what you are dealing with now. These books address the underlying communication issues and the last one, gives you and your husband some basic tools for opening deeper communication in short little bursts.

Love and Awakening by John Welwood - Addresses the deeper issues in our patterned communication loops we get into... "you do this, so I react this way... "
Emotional Fitness for Couples, 10 minutes a day to a better relationship by Barton Goldsmith PH.D.

Both books are on amazon and are very nurturing. For now I would suggest getting someone to talk to. Someone who is not your husband, nor a gang of friends who will simply take your side. Maybe a therapist or friend who can really listen. Your complaints are valid, but I think they are more about not deeply feeling heard and cared for than they are about gifts and holiday validation. I know, because I went through this too... So take care of yourself, and you will be taking care of your new baby too. If you want the name of a great therapist, I can recommend one... one for yourself if he does not want therapy, or if your husband is willing, one for both of you.

I wish all the best to you. I can sense how much you love your son and want the best for all of you.

Namaste,
M.

FYI - sometimes they just don't get it!! My husband (and grandma) are pretty good at remembering the day and getting a gift. But now I plan my own day. I think if it as a day to do whatever I want with my kids. You will have fun, your kids will have fun, and if your husband wants to partake great if not leave him at home!!

And if I find something I like in a magazine, I put a little post it on it and say "mommy wants this". Then put it somewhere he will see it.

I strongly recommend couseling. I know it seems like couseling is for "other people" but I also had a hard time right after my 2nd son was born and couseling saved my marriage.

Good luck.

This is my 4th mother's day and the first one I was really happy about. My husband actually went overboard but it did take a couple of years of explaining what it meant to me - a day of not being responsible for everything and getting to sleep in! So for one, men can take time. But also, my situation is a bit reversed as my husband is a better gift giver than I am. It's not because I don't care but come an occassion, I'm really busy and feel like I do more for our family the other 360 days of the year. So I do get him things but don't go all out sometimes. He also buys himself whatever he wants and I'm not into buying things just to buy things so usually can't think of anything he needs or wants he didn't already get... But my point is I'd look at how things are other times. I feel like my husband is nicer/more sentimental in a way than me yet I'm way more considerate on a daily basis so it somewhat evens out. Knowing how good he usually is on occassions makes up for his sometimes lack of consideration on a daily basis and I feel like my consideration on a daily basis makes up for my lesser treatment on occassions. So I'd look at the big picture and if your husband NEVER makes you feel special or realistically isn't all that busy and does have plenty of time to have done a better job shopping, then it's more of an issue in my opinion. If he's a good guy who's working super hard and basically is nice and considerate, I'd let it go. Prep him next year for how important it is to you but let it go until then. Good luck! (also, I wouldn't worry too much about missing your son's best years. I find it just gets better and now don't regret having worked the early years.)

I highly recommend Susan Page's books - How one of you can bring the two of you together, If we are so in love, why are't we happy, and a book by Tulane(sp?) - The secret laws of attraction. These books have changed my life. I have come to realize that my happiness is my own responsiblity. I can take care of my own needs. If getting a gift is important to you, then I would suggest buying it yourself, that is what I did on Mother's Day and felt quite good. Someone, I know through a surprise party for herself!
If we can't take care of ourselves on our own, how can we expect others to do it? Tell yourself everyday that you love yourself and you are wonderful.

Most important thing is be clear about what are our top four needs and what can WE do to fulfill them. It is hard enough to figure out our own needs, how can we know about our partner's top needs. Do you know what are your partner's needs? Often times, we don't. Men appreciate us a lot, we just don't see it and focus on what we don't see. We all have an image of what our partner should be, we don't see what he or she truly is. A relationship is about accepting the reality of each other, as we are, not what we should be.

Not necessarily what I believe, but some men just aren't into gifts, and some men believe that a child is the one to give to Mom on Mother's Day, not the husband (you are not his mom)...
Also, my husband has a characteristic of reacting with what seems to be anger when actually he feels guilty. So he's actually mad at himself, or knows he's wrong, but SEEMS to be mad at ME if I say anything. When you said you told him you were hurt and he made YOU feels guilty, this is what I thought of. Maybe your husband does the same thing mine does, and it's more of a cover-up for feeling like he failed, or feeling that you are being very critical of him, and he's more sensitive than you think he is (inside). Do you think he was very frightened about the baby's health/survival? Men don't always talk about their feeling with things like that, and may even become more withdrawn, acting like they don't care.
Above all, focus on your marriage---because if you are unhappy in your marriage, the best presents in the world won't make it any better! But if you find a way to grow closer, and understand each other, then maybe he will know better what kind of gifts will make you good.