Mother Seeking Advice - Buffalo,MN

This is normal but that doesn't mean it should be allowed to continue. Two year olds need to be taught how to behave. Do not respond to the screams by giving in. Try diverting his attention. If he's touching the TV controls move him across the room and give him a toy. Be firm but kind. When he starts to hit you, grab his hands and firmly say, "no hitting." Again, divert his attention.

Tell him being angry is OK but screaming and hitting is not OK. Then show him what to do instead. Diversion usually works great!

You may also want to check out a couple ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) classes. They're usually free through community education.

You can attend a once-weekly class with your child and practice with other parents on effective techniques for raising children. Your child benefits by seeing good behavior modeled, too.

For many people, it's easier to learn by doing (like in a class), than reading advice. The advice here, though, is spot-on!

You have some smart moms responding! I was going to say the same thing - it is normal, but NOT acceptable. Since others have already posted such awesome advice, I just want to mention that a "time out" shouldn't be a punishment given in anger. It may seem like a punishment to the child, but you should always approach it from the standpoint of, "Do you need a time out to help you calm down?" The whole point is to remove him from the situation and allow him some space to calm down and work through his emotions so he can then tell you (or show you, point, etc.) what he really needs.

My son is 3 and starting at 18 months he would scream, headbutt, kick, hit, etc. I was pregnant at the time and seriously didn't have the energy to deal with it, but had no choice. Like another mom said, you have to physically get up and go over to your child, redirect him, get down on his level, show him (nicely!) what you expect. It WILL get better!! Now when my son is upset he will say, "Michael needs a time out!" and head down the hall to sit, cry, calm down, process, and then come get a "big hug!" and let me know what he actually needs.

Good luck! You've got a tough, but very manageable road ahead of you!

Hi T.,
I'll second the ECFE classes. I have lots of friends in the Twin Cities who RAVE about them. Also, check out the TwinCitiesAPI group at groups.yahoo.com. This is FULL of helpful, commiserating, well-read parents that are more or less local.

As far as you specific question, my hunch is to educate yourself on how little a 2 and 3 and 4 year old is capable of. They will grow into self-control all on their own. There's only so much a 2 year old is able to do. Think of how much he can talk and how coordinated his fingers are. He is just as basic in emotional reactions too.

Harvey Karp is great for toddlers. So is Dr. Sears and there is a series of books called Your Two Year Old (and so forth) by Ames and Ilg that has a great section about what each age group will and can't do. You should be able to find all of these from the library.

Learning what your child is able to do at any given age and also understanding that they will get so much better as they grow (mentally, physically and emotionally) will help you be so much less frustrated for years to come.

Yes, it is normal. Being a 2-3 year old can be incredibly frustrating. They want to touch everything they see, they want to do things they can't yet manage, they still get tired and have meltdowns, they get bossed around all the time. But there are ways to help your toddler be less frustrated, and a less frustrated child is a better team player.

Check out books and videos about the approach used by Dr. Harvey Karp; The Happiest Toddler on the Block. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... . He will demonstrate in this (and several related video clips) exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language, gets on their wavelength, so they know he's on their team. This makes them happy to be on his team.

Here are a few useful guidelines for having a happier, more cooperative toddler:

1. Give him advance notice when you'll want him to be doing anything differently, especially when he's grooving on his activity/play. With my grandboy, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert one minute before making the change.)

2. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though your son is too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, he will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

3. Get to know his most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy he likes when you have to take your cell phone away from him. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles can help break into his distraction with something he wants.

4. Avoid bribes, but let him work toward occasional future rewards. Don't try to buy his cooperation with "If you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if he gets to assist in advancing something good for himself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important.

5. Expect less cooperation if the child is tired, hungry, over-managed, overstimulated or bored. Toddlers have very little ability to choose other behaviors for themselves. We teach that to them gradually, and it works most effectively to do this by example, consistency, and noticing the positive.

Little kids are just following their most natural inclinations, and experimenting with every automatic strategy possible to get their natural needs met.

My daughter turned three is August. She has been a screamer since she was about 5 weeks old. And she has been disciplined. We have had to be harder on her than we were on my older daughter because of the difference in their personalities. Age 1 was not fun at all. Some days my ears rang from the screaming (and that is not a joke). Right before her second birthday she had a language explosion, and that cut the screaming in half. Now at 3, she still screams, though not nearly as much. She is old enough now that we can tell her to quit screaming or there will be some sort of consequence, and she will calm herself down, unless she is very tired. We had to (and have to) get directly in her face to tell her to do things. If we don't, she will continue doing whatever it is. Again, this is worse when she is tired. Be consistent with your two year old. If he screams, tell him to stop and tell you or show what is wrong. If he continues to scream, put him in timeout or leave wherever you are. Also, the hitting is never acceptable. Immediately put him in timeout and tell him he can get up when he calms down. If he is tired and/or hungry (never a good combination), fix that next.

A boy in the neighborhood behaved like that and it turned out he could barely hear. So he would ask and not hear the response and get frustrated thinking he was being ignored. Get his hearing checked, as well as vision.

They said it is common, but unacceptable. I have an aggressive 2 yo too. I took him to get screened at Early Intervention, and they said he needs therapy (speech and developmental) due to some delay. Yesterday he got screened at school district to get transfered to preschool system. They said he might have a sensory thing going on. So things just get overwhelming for him and he cannot adjust to it properly. With some time out and being consistent ( and a lot of embarassment if you are in public place) we manage to minimize the biting, hitting, and screaming. Still dealing with pouting, spitting, and throw himself on the ground. He still needs to see ENT to see if there's something with his ear that delay the speech.
Maybe you can get him screened and figure out what is going on. It helps a lot to know what to do and how to do it.
Sometimes a chiropractor can be a help too. When they are well adjusted, they are a happier kids. I hope you can find a why and how for your little one.

Many will say it's normal, as a mom for 27 years in my opinion it's normal if it's allowed and there is no consiquences for it. You shpuld never give in or give him anything if he is screaming, if you do there is no reason for him not to continue to scream. J.

Updated

Many will say it's normal, as a mom for 27 years in my opinion it's normal if it's allowed and there is no consiquences for it. You shpuld never give in or give him anything if he is screaming, if you do there is no reason for him not to continue to scream. J.

Normal, yes. Acceptable, no way. The book Making the Terrible Twos Terrific by John Rosemond helped me a ton, and answered all the questions about why they do this stuff, and how to turn their behavior around. His website is rosemond . com, although I have bought his books for cheap on amazon.

Kinda but not really. the hitting is not normal. the following directions isnt normal either. screaming is normal. how well does he talk? by what you are writing my first instinct was does he have fluid in his ears? is he possibly hard of hearing? mine is behind on speech also and will scream also when he wants something. he knows words but uses them very rarely and when he does they dont come out right. He has tubes but I am starting to suspect he might be hard of hearing.

the reason why I suspect this is his speech is way off even with the tubes and there are members in the family who are profoundly deaf and others who are just hard of hearing. the screaming in mine comes from the unability to communicate. the hitting is probably out of fustration and how else do you express it at 2. My suggestion just on pure gut instinct since alot of what you are describing minus the hitting sounds like what my son does. I have told you the reasons why I believe he does it. I can't get this confirmed till the first of december when the insurance kicks in. please get his ears checked for fluid but have his hearing tested first. they cant test for hearing problems while they have tubes. it will show them being deaf when they arent when they have tubes in. or at least this is the way it was when my 21 yr old had his tubes. hopefully I am way off base on the hard of hearing but worth a shot cause this isnt normal 2 yr old behavior. something else is going on you have to figure our what wether it is hearing problems or adhd or autistic.

I knew another 2 yr old who behaved like this and she was profoundly deaf too. Dont panic just cause I said it was a possibility I am not a doctor and am just giving you things to consider. start teaching him sign wether he is hard of hearing or not it will ease the screaming and hitting to a point. I will pray for an answer that is right for you and to find him the help he needs