Mother Making Children Feel Guilty

Hmmm, my kids don't really like going to their father's either. The older they get, the less they want to go. I wonder if MY exs GF thinks I'm manipulating them in some way.
Just sayin'.
:)

I would say don't fall into her trap. Just remind the kids how much you both love them and how they are always welcome. Encourage them to go to school, etc. If they say Mommy wants us home then remind them that she is an adult and they are not responsible for her and that she will be ok.

I loved Theresa's response, pretty much what I was thinking though my ex has no girlfriend or wife. My kids will happily go to their fathers because they have no choice at their age. Their biggest question to me is at what age can we tell the court we don't want to go to dads anymore. Part is because he really stinks as a parent in that he doesn't play with them, interact with them, they are more like roommates. The other is that kids don't like living at two homes, not sure why the damn courts can't figure that out. It is always about what is best for the parents not the kids. My older two already choose to live here full time and the younger two are jealous.

My point is you have posted nothing that shows she is doing anything to make them feel guilty. As kids get older they try to get out of going to school. Heck I had to lay into my ex yesterday because for the third time in two weeks he let them stay home from school. Pointed out someone has to be the grown up and his age kinda throws that on him.

I think you need to accept that as kids get older they will pick one home or the other and it seems your husband's kids have picked their moms. If you push the issue you will be the one creating guilt. It would not bother me one bit if my kids wanted to live full time with their dad, all I want is for them to be happy. Granted I am glad happiness is living with me.

After reading your what happened I am really confused. You said she keeps them home from school cause they love school. Then you say she lets them stay home from school which sounds like they asked to stay home from school. Kids that "love" school don't ask to stay home. If my fiancée shouted out I love you guys while I was on the phone with my kids I would find that strange as hell. Perhaps even question his sanity. Why don't you get on the phone and talk to them? My kids always ask to talk to Troy when they call and they tell him they love him without him prompting them by saying it first. Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you are insecure.

It is always good in a divorce to have a therapist on speed dial. Someone who knows your situation and you can call and ask for guidance. Also doesn't hurt to document what she is doing with a therapist if she tries to further alienate them. Basically, do you think she is doing this because she is actively manipulating them? Or do you think she genuinely missing them and maybe sharing too much with them? Maybe she needs to made aware of the impact it is having?

Don't let the kids get out of coming to see you and make their visits happy and a haven from the drama. I think I would tell them that their mom must miss them a lot since they are such great kids. However, she is the mom and it is not their job to take care of her. She knows they love her and it is okay to give dad equal time. Give them permission to relax.

Finally, if there is a school isue, I would involve the teacher and the school counselor from the point of view of "the kids are worried about their mom" and "can you help them deal with this?" Her manipulation will come our if that is indeed what it is, and the school might gently tell her to back off because the kids school experience is suffering.

I feel bad for her and your husband. I can't imagine being away form my kids for one day. But the kids can't take that on their shoulders.

Two thoughts...
- If they are starting to skip school to stay home with her then you may want to encourage your husband to monitor their school attendance more officially. Don't be surprised if the school calls to find out what's going on.
- Keep welcoming them into their home with you. When they mention the situation with their mom, say something neutral and reassuring. Acknowledge that it is normal for them to worry about her while they are away, but she's an adult and will be fine for the next ___ days.
- If you think there is a mental health issue here, address it directly and immediately.
- If it becomes prevalent and doesn't go away after the holidays, get the kids into some therapy. A third party may be able to point out to her the impact of her statements and comments more effectively than you would be able to do.

I have to agree with previous posters, that starting some family counselling is in order to find out what exactly the children are concerned about. While your post was very clear, we don't have a 'picture' of your stepchildren's mother. So this sort of behavior on her part could fall under a number of personality disorders: borderline 'waif' behavior, narcissistic (I know it's been declassified, but still) or this could be a prologue to some deliberate parental estrangement. She may also be very depressed and may not be coping with it in a healthy way, or something else may be going on. You don't say how old the children are either, so I just don't know how appropriate/out of bounds she is being with the children at home. The children, too, need a safe and neutral third party to discuss this with, because being very open with you and their father may feel like the equivalent of "telling" on her, and a therapist will know if other resources might be called for. I like what SM said, too: " I think I would tell them that their mom must miss them a lot since they are such great kids." I think this sends a positive message without a lot of judgment on your end. And yes, you are right to be concerned: this is definitely a red flag.

Divorce is really hard on kids. They are always stuck feeling like they are torn.
I would suggest some family counseling.
I never said anything bad to my son about my ex, but he felt so guilty for going with his dad. His dad was not nice to me at all and my son knew it so it took a long time for him to realize it was okay for him to have fun with his father and it had nothing to do with me. The relationships were completely separate.
The main thing is to show the children that they are loved and that they are the most important thing. There were plenty of times my son didn't want to go with his dad and at first he was a real jerk about it. But then, he realized that it wasn't about a battle, it was just how our son felt on a given day. And, there were times my son was with his dad and wanted to stay later so they could finish watching a football game or something.
There are ways to compromise and work things out.
As far as not wanting to go to school, don't jump to conclusions. Kids who feel overwhelmed already sometimes don't want the pressure of school on top of it.
Your husband needs to speak with the school regarding attendance and then try to get some counseling so you can have a family plan in place.
The kids need to feel whole. Hopefully you can all work on that together.

Best wishes.

I agree with Stephanie's advice. could not have said it better myself.

i wouldn't even go there, my step kids go through the same thing, they have told us that mom has "threatened" them to force them to come live with us to get them to act her way...i had that growing up and NO child should be put through that-never use that on my daughter-course i told my step kids, what's wrong with that, we're clean we're fun, a little more strict than they like, but still have a lot of fun, so yeah, they said that to mom, and ALOT of that stopped...now, if they want extra time with us, THEY have to ask their mom and they do if they want it bad enough, because when my husband did, she'd do the exact same thing...sometimes they ask her, sometimes they don't totally up to THEM.

What i tell my step kids, let us know when you want the xtra and if we can we'll find a way to get you there. they've called us in the evening, "can you or S. come get us after work tomorrow (and sometimes THAT NIGHT)? we want to spend ___ with you" we/he schedules appropriate times with their mom and we're there.

this takes us out of the debate and give the kids more control and say so on what they do, and more of a feeling of independence...they love it and leaves me and my husband out of the "guilt trips" we know we can't control mom and her words and wont even try, we DO give them advice on how to respond or our thoughts when ASKED (he more than me), other than that, we leave it alone, they'll eventually get more virbal and more virbal and one day......

gl

As for the kids going to school they HAVE to go. Besides them missing information and tests, their mom could get in trouble for their truancy if they don't.

As for them not wanting to come see you, I would have your husband arrange meetings with them. Day trips. Where at the end of the day if they wanted to go back to their mom's house they'd be able to. She may have told them to just blow him off and see if he cares. You agreeing to let them stay without argument is working in her favor.