Mother in Law Issue

Personally, I don't think I would say anything to your MIL, other than thank you.
I have personally found that when I say what is really on my mind, it ends up
hurting the individual and puts stress on our relationship. Now, I say to myself, “what
is this really going to accomplish, because I am not going to be able to “change” the
person or the situation.”
If you end up saying how you really feel, you will probably pay for it for a very long time. I know it was something that meant a lot to you, but is it worth putting tension on your relationship w/ your MIL? Some things just have to be swallowed. Next time, I definitely would not confide in her the things that are precious that involve your daughter. She may not realize how much it means to you and wants to do special things
for her grand-daughter just as much as you do.
Hope this helps…from someone who “has been there, done that.”

Not to be cruel, but is "who bought the dollhouse" really that important? or the fact that your daughter received one. & she received it from her grandmother. there are so many children out there that don't even have grandparents that participate in their lives. You don't want to make your mother in law feel like she has to walk on egg shells before she does anything for her only grand daughter do you? I know that you and your husband wanted to buy the dollhouse, but i'm sure that the two of you can think of something else that your daughter really, really wants and purchase that. You will have so many more years to make your daughter happy. Don't think of it as a competition. Be happy that you have a grandparent that is involved and wants to be involved in making your daughter the happiest she can be. You are really truly fortunate, and grandma may not always be around. You will make both your daughter and your Mother in law happy by letting her give your daughter the dollhouse. Don't look at it as a bad thing, or as a competition. The more people that help you with things like this, the better.

If it's a nice house, and she has no other controlling issues, she was just trying to be nice and you should drop it. Your kids are young, you are going to be buying things for them forever, so I would just appreciate the gift and drop it (she's not going to remember who got it for her anyway....sorry to say).

You are fortunate you have a grandparent who is willing to buy such a nice gift (and she might have just been trying to help) so I would leave it at that.

What good would come of a conversation like what you are contemplating?

She was just excited, especially your daughter being the only girl. Yes she was over zealous. I'd keep it and say thank you. That was very generous of her. You'll just have to go to plan B for stocking the house. I have an over zealous MIL too but I don't say anything to her about it because that is just who she is with her grandchildren.

I say let it go. There are too many families out there that can't get along. Be happy this is the biggest problem you have with your MIL. It could be so much worse. Just make sure next year you tell her exactly what you are getting.

Say thank you and save the money you have saved for college!

Hi N.,

When your MIL asked you for ideas on gifts for Christmas why did you tell her the gift you wanted to buy for your daughter? She was ovbiously asking for gift ideas because she wanted to get her something. She was probably so excited about the idea of buying a doll house she didn't even hear the part about "hold off".

Sorry, I say suck it up and let her give it to your daughter.

There will be plenty of other special things you will get to do with/for your daughter. The least you could do is share a few of those things with you MIL since she never got to do it.

You said it yourself---only girl, and she's excited. She's a grandma, let her be a grandma. Is it really that big a deal that YOU didn't get the dollhouse? Sure she jumped the gun--but it sounds like she means well. I don't know her so of course this could be a pattern maybe but still, this isn't something that matters in the long run. Be gracious and say thank you to her. My MIL is very much like this and I know it would very much hurt her feelings if we asked her to take it back. You can still shop to pick out the stuff for it..that alone can be fun.

Lots of good advice here, but I have to agree you should not have said what you wanted to get her. Be the bigger person, smile and say thank you and buy things to go with it. I think like others mentioned she probably didn't hear the hold off part. I think if we all give others the benefit of the doubt communication goes much better. I know this is something I am trying to work on - realizing it was meant for good, not to hurt you.
Take care,
K.

I would tell her "thanks" but "no thanks". I had a similar issue with my MIL about taking our son to the movies, she took him without saying something and i had already planned on taking him on my day off work, so it ruined what i had planned for us. I told her she needs to check with us first before she plans anything to do with him now. She understood and now asks before doing. (including xmas ideas)
If you end up hurting her feelings i think that is to bad. There are plenty of other times in the granddaughters life that she can do other things for, xmas is not the time to do the big stuff, that is the parents time. Good Luck

It is in my oppinion that you should not have mentioned it to her at all if that is what you and your husband wanted to get your daughter. I believe you lead her in the direction of thinking that she could take part in the purchase. She is a grandparent of the first girl and probably soooo excited to be able to shop for girly things finally. This is my daughters 2nd Christmas and I made the mistake a year ago telling my mother in law that I was going to start a tradition with my daughter (my only child) of buying the Holiday Barbie for her each year. She said "no I am", I was a little floored and thought the issue was resolved until it showed up in the mail. The other D. she tells me she bought her the Holiday Barbie again and did I want her to take it back so I could go purchase it myself. She already knew how I felt and did it again. My point is really this, I never lead her to believe that was a tradition for her to be doing but that it was going to be my tradition for my daughter and I and she took that away from me now for the second time. Well this time I just said fine, I know my MIL wont be around for ever and I will take over when she is no longer able to. I am still learning to pick my battles myself and that is just such a small one to me. I will do something else that is special for my daughter and I. I hope this helped. :)

Its sad that she didnt get to do the girl stuff but you shouldnt get left out of it, she is your daughter.

My mom actually fits this description! You could let her give it and then say that next time when it is something milestone-ish for a little girl, like doll houses and first barbies and ear piercing that mom and dad will be getting those items and to check with you first.

I have an Idea that might work out, but I do not know all the details, I was thinking your MIL can keep that one at her house for when your daughter visits over there, and then you and the hubby can still purchase what ever you wish..

Boy, did your story ring a bell! Ha! I've had the same MIL issues! What I do now to avoid it from happening anymore is when she asks I tell her "Here's the list of what WERE getting her so we don't double-gift, and you can go from there." Good luck, very simple, but it works.

I really understand your disappointment!!! That being said, I would accept the gift and be as gracious as possible about it in front of your daughter. Your MIL did it out of love and was just too excited about it to wait until she got the word from you. It's not worth harming your relationship. Good Luck!

Does your MIL live close? Is it possible for both of you to give her a doll house? One to keep at your house and one to keep at grandma's house for when your daughter visits?

My mom is like that. She loves to buy stuff for my kids - clothing, shoes there's so much that there's about 40 pieces of everything. They're just boys. But she can't help but spend. I have to just let her do it. Otherwise, I'll never hear the end of it. And we do appreciate everything too.

However, my mil doesn't do squat for them. I have a 5 year old and 2 year old. And they MIL/FIL/SIL don't even bother coming around, nor call, nor send gifts for birthdays or xmas. My 2 year old is just that...2. and it's been 2 years since they've seen us and they live less than 1 hour from us.

So, enjoy your relationship with your in-laws. They won't be around long, and you can always buy something else for your daughter.

tell her thanks but to keep the one she bought at her house for when your daughter may visit because you and your husband are choosing her one specially - if she can't handle that she will return it and get something else

Unfortunatley, to me it sounds like you suggested to your MIL to get the doll house. Because most people don't really listen, I'm sure that is what she heard. I would explain gently that the doll house is what your family was going to get her and choosing what to go with it. Then suggest a list of items to are ok for her to get. Probably around the house.

I myself probably would let her get the house after letting her know I had planned on it, but then tell her I will get the accessories. Next time, don't tell her what you are getting, just give her a list of what she might be able to buy.

I am glad that your family has such an attentive MIL. My family has gotten very few gifts from their grandparents and only once they are guilty to remember they have other grandkids. I think you are blest.

Work with her gently, calmly and have a talk. See if you can work things out.

Hi N.!
Oh I feel for you, I always have these issues with my MIL. If you want her to return the dollhouse I would recommend asking her to hold on to it while you and your husband look around for one yourselves. If you find one you like better, then she can return that one, if not, she could keep it. This way you show appreciation for her help without being obligated to keep it. If this is very important to you then I would make it clear to her so she does not overstep again. I wish you the best of luck!
T.

I think you should discuss this with hubby... let both of you make the decision together.

You are so lucky to have a MIL that cares for the kids.
(I know that you are probably getting tired hearing that)

My MIL does not even acknowledge my son as her blood. That hurts both hubby and I.

I would say if you have an idea of what you want to give your kids for a birthday or Christmas... when you give a list out to others for ideas for gift giving... leave off that list what your thinking of giving along with one other item to give you options. Although, if the gift your child wants is not something you know that you can afford that is an item I would tell others about.

I know this probably does not totally answer your question but I do believe it is a decision you and your husband must make together. Maybe when you tell her what your decision is... both you and hubby can be on the phone with her together to show that the decision was a joint decision.

Good luck... feel free to contact me at G.-angel at cox dot net.

I'm wondering if the whole thing wasn't a misunderstanding. I would probably suck it up this time and then have a fun day with your daughter going to pick out all of the accessories to go with it, do lunch, etc. Now...if it happens again, I'd probably say something.

You and your husband should tell her together how you feel. Seeing as she had all sons I bet she would understand how you feel. Ask her to return the doll house and maybe, if YOU WANT to include her, have her go with you and your hubby to pick out the dollhouse and assessories.

I think because you made it clear to her that you wanted to shop for the doll house, that you should tell her how you feel. Tell her exactly what you wrote here, that you were excited to get this for your daughter and it was going to be something that you and your husband were going to do together. I think she means well and will understand, just be honest, its the best way to go.

Sounds like she got over-excited. The fact that she told you and offered to return it suggests that she wasn't trying to "out-do" you, just got carried away. Forgive her. Either accept the doll house and have a great time with your husband picking out the interior.... OR...

Tell her you had pretty much decided on a specific one and really had your heart set on it and would she mind terribly returning it? Then, give her a room or two that can be all hers to design and accessorize. Maybe ask her to do the Dining Room and make it like the one in her house, for example.

My dad just made a dollhouse for my kids. It is a replica of the house I grew up in, he designed the plans and everything. For much of the interior, we (loosely) matched it to the house we live in now. We already had all the paint colors and it was fun to do a bedroom for each child that matches their current one!

Your MIL might really enjoy having a bit of her own house in the dollhouse. And once she sees all the accessories available, she will likely go crazy with it! In our dollhouse, there are lots of little things I found that match things I grew up with... like an old fashioned clock, door chimes, a dresser and desk that looks just like mine did as a kid. Such fun!! Enjoy.

PS - you can spend a fortune on a doll house and all the accessories, so be glad MIL wants to contribute! Also, your 3 yr old daughter will not really care/notice who gave what. Like my 3 yr old son who we thought would be so thrilled with a new Spiderman 2-wheeler from us... but his favorite thing was actually a hand-me-down tool bench and tools from our neighbor!! :)

Just be honest and tell her that there must have been a miscommunication. If you don't feel comfortable, ask your husband to talk to her, she's his mother.
Is there a way she can have both dolls/house...
if there was an honest miscommunication then you should explain and it doesn't matter if she feels upset. that's not your responsibility.

Be very, very thankful that you even have a MIL who thinks and acts in this gracious way. You and your husband can choose something else wonderful for her to play with.

I'm sure your MIL was trying to help, but if it bothers you that you didn't get to buy the house, I would explain it to her.

One year, for Christmas, i bought my husband a gift that took me MONTHS to find. I was so excited to give it to him because i knew he would love it. I talked to his mom and she had mentioned that they hadn't gotten him a gift yet. Later we were talking about what we got everybody and I told her about my gifts to my husband (i had gotten two). When I told her about the special one she said,"Oh Good. We'll just give you money and tell him that's from us".
I was so shocked that I didn't say anything. I regret it. my husband LOVED it and didn't know where it REALLY came from.
I know your daughter is 3 and 3 year olds have GREAT memories. My two year old still remembers that her favorite pair of shoes were a gift from her grandma (when she was 15 months old).

I think you should explain nicley that you were REALLY looking forward to getting your daughter the house. If she gets offended, you could suggest that she help furnish the house.

Good luck.

Next time your mother in law asks, don't tell her what you are planning on getting her. Sometimes grandparents think they are doing something good when in your mind its not exactly what you were expecting. It is not that big of a deal that your mother in law bought it when you said you were going to, not a big enough deal to ask her to return it or cause tension in the family anyway (in my opinion). Accept the gift and tell her thank you. Although you wanted to do it for your daughter, it was very nice of your mother in law to buy it. Those things can get pretty expensive. If she hasn't bought all of the accessories, dolls, clothes to go with it, you can do that part. Ask her not to buy the accessories so you and your husband can go out and do that part. The accessories are what make the house a house anyway and I think it would be more fun to get all of those little things than a house. Maybe now you can afford to buy more accessories than you were going to be able to buy if you had bought the house too. Either way your daughter will enjoy playing with it and really that is all that matters.

I think you should just be grateful you have a mother in law who loves her granddaughter enough to want to give her presents. Some grandparents aren't involved at all. You and your husband should come up with another gift idea and give your mother in law a giat thank you!

I guess it really depends on how you feel. If you still have to buy all the dolls and accessories you and your hubby could head out and do this. But if its a different house you really want and its more important to have that then just let her know you and your husband had plans to still go out, as you had previously told her, and pick one for your daughter. I would be nice but to still bring up this fact.
I had the same kind of an issue for my sons birthday when my MIL wanted to know what we wanted to get him......so i gave her a list and mention one thing i really wanted to get him and was undecided on the rest. Well I had also wanted to get him a bike, and no one claimed it.....at least she bought the one I wanted though......anyway I figured I would just suck it up in this case. And just let her do it. Now at this point he loves his bike and I dont think it really matters who bought it.

I think since you specifically told her to wait, it's more than appropriate to ask her to return the doll house. Your daughter may be the only female grandchild and she is also your only daughter! Even if you had several daughters, you are the parents, you set a specific boundary, and you have the right to do something special for your child. Grandma can think of something special for her grand daughter on her own.

If you approve of the house, I would just say "thank you" and then you and your husband can put your heads together and think of something else special for your daughter. You may mention to your MIL that you appreciate the gesture, but in the future when you ask her to "hold off" you would like her to respect your wishes. She probably just got excited and didn't realize how much she was stepping on your toes:)

If you wanted to do the shopping and pick everything out yourselves then should the dollhouse be from you? She was probably just looking for general ideas of needs and interests of your daughter and should get to have the fun of shopping for and picking out her specific present.