Mother-in-law Visiting Nightmare

A.,
An annoying, nutty, PITA MIL, eh??
I can totally relate.
Except you are kind enough to allow yours to stay with you. It has gotten so bad for me that i have to completely limit it and not even have her in that close proximity.
Thankfully she lives FAR away, but i dread the day she tells us she is coming to CA because she puts a strain on us like nothing else in the world. She is a thorn in my side and a total lunatic.
Sound familiar?
There is a small group of us that get the totally wacky ones. Does she remind you of Rays mom on everyone loves raymond??
Anyhow, all i can say is do what you need to do to stay happily married. If that means getting a massage and de-toxifying after she visits, then DO IT!
My MIL is totally toxic, in all senses. Her mere presence often dilutes my home and my health, and some people don't understand that, and how severe a person can be, but know that there are others in the same boat, and that there is hope............maybe not for her, but for you!
So take care of yourself, live a good, healthy life, and let her say what she will.
YOU are still the mom and the wife when she leaves!
:)
Hope that helps!
S.

Dealing with inlaws can be very tricky. First, you need to anazlyze why it bothers you. Regarding your son, try to consider it 'motherly advice' as she hopefully wants the best for him as well. When she gives her advice thank her for it and tell her you'll consider it.
You may want to discuss the issue, very carefully, with your husband. He must notice your behavior changes when she's around. Does he also have issues with her, etc. Most importantly, be a team on this. Don't put her down, but discuss how her actions make you feel.
Good luck and I hope things get better!

Hi A.,
Just a thought...you can only change yourself...you can not change anyone else...perhaps you could look at how to RESPOND to things and not REACT. You are who you are, she is who she is and your husband is who he is.

Unfortunately A. I have dealt with that nightmare since I was 19 Years old and I am now 30. She came here last October and stayed with my husband and I 3 miserable months until she got her own place. It came to the point where the only time I came out of my bedroom was to take my daughter to school and to feed my son. I think what you should do is make your husband aware of this if you haven't already and tell him it's really difficult to deal with her. In my case my MIL thought I wasn't good enough for her son and she tried to always make her opinion count. Put it this way, she was just a trouble maker. About a month ago it came to the point where I had to stop her from calling my house let alone coming over. My husband agreed because like I said this had been going on since I met my husband.It doesn't sound like your MIL is worse than mine but that coming over once a month for a week is a little too much especially with her trying to tell you what to do with your son. I've had that problem too. I hope I given you some good advice. GOOD LUCK

Dear A.,

You just described a pretty normal older woman. We think we know everything because we have been through a lot of living, in the time when the living was not so easy as it is today. Also she probably has senile dementia - just regular old age brain working. She probably had a lot of responsibility during her life. She is just being the product of her life and her reaction to it. If she does not go out without someone it is because she feels uncomfortable doing that. I joke that I am getting to that point, and sometimes if I am feeling insecure, I will ask my husband to drive me here and there.

It is a different feeling and different world that you are in when you are elderly, and sick! My daughter moved far away and suddenly I was scared because I was ill for a period of time. I am feel o.k. now and less insecure, so that is the way of life for older people. My husband just gripes about his aches and pains, and I laugh and say what do you expect at 81 years old. He still wants to be the big handsome lover and decision maker of the world. In actuality, he can't even figure out how to get a soda at Taco Bell. He came away with a lot of syrup on the top if his hand and wondered how that got there. It is a whoooole big changing world.

Now, keep going up to your room if you want, that is just wanting to be quiet and not talk or caregive for a while. Just find things to do during her week with you - like take her and the baby to the park, do the shopping that you need to do, and take them if (if she wants to go) it will tire her out and she will be quieter. Does she nap? That is a time out for you. Count your good times in that week. When she gives you advice learn to smile and say umhuh. That has umhuh has saved me so many arguments during my life time. You don't have to do what she says, and she is not going to monitor you to see if you do it. Remember she probably doesn't want to move around every week either.

Maybe the family can get together and find a nice community living place for her. Older people do enjoy being together, if they are not too hard headed to admit it. Because we all have lived through the Depression, World War 11, raising children, working for low wages, and getting our children through their horrible mistakes. We are tired, and wiser than you realilze.

Protect yourself, you do not have to do what people tell you to do. You are a modern women. Amen.

Sincerely, C. N.

Hi A.,

I am sorry to hear your discomfort in your own home. This is a really tough one though. I LOVE what Carolyn N had to say, I think she's got some great advice. I am only responding because my MIL is coming from very far away for Thanksgiving and I feel much the same way about her. I am trying to keep the best possible attitude and not let my brain take me to those negative thoughts. Sometimes it seems that MIL's are obligated to bother their son's future wives!!!! Just kidding!! (Don't forget we all may be MIL's someday) I actually have a lot of friends who have the coolest most helpful MIL's and I am so jealous :) But I do think it's more the norm to have a rough time with them. So like someone said before, remember that all of the ones you love, love her, and that at the end of the day YOU are the mother and the wife. And though sometimes it's hard to believe, she raised the man you love! Take care, hang in there, and look for a post from me at Thanksgiving!!!!!!!:)

Best Regards,

S.

Sounds like a typical mother-in-law...and yeah, "grin and bear it until she leaves", if that's the only way you think you are going to be able to cope with it. I'm sure you have heard that as seniors age, they revert very much back to a child-like mentality, so I seriously doubt there is anything you are going to be able to do to change that while caring for her. My dad was the grumpiest old man in every sense of the word, and many days I grinned and beared it...up until the day he died 3 months ago. And you deal with it because you care. The fact is, you are going to have your son to raise and your life to live long, long after she "leaves".

Hi A.,

I don't agree with Stephanie. I think that MOST women have a hard time getting along with their mother-in-laws. It's a very hard relationship because they are used to being the most influential woman in their son's life & now here you are taking their place. I would just try & remember that you are family & it's OK to disagree, but your husband loves her, your son loves her, so you're going to have to do your best to find some love in your heart for her as well. I KNOW it's not easy. My mother-in-law drives me NUTS, too. I do my best to vent to my girlfriends & not to my husband, because he does not deserve to be in the middle. He can not control his mother's behavior. Once, my husband said that his mother was complaining that I never invite her over when he's at work and she was resenting not getting to see the grandkids enough. My husband wanted me to make more of an effort to see her more often, so I asked him how often he would like to spend time with my mother when I was not around. He got the point & dropped the subject. Just hang in there. This is a rest-of-your-life relationship, so you've got to get used to it. Just be glad she's not living with you permanently.

C. : )