Moms That Work Full Time

Who's feelings are you worried about? I'd love to see all the three year olds posting, "am I the only one that feels like all I want is more time with my mom?"

You're so not the only one. My husband and I both feel bad. I hate sending them to someone else. I love to work and we need the money though... My husband and I had the discussion that if we could afford for one of us to stay home, he'd be the one to stay.

After just coming back to work after my second, I feel you. I have major guilt issues, but I also know that they are in a wonderful daycare. My son is learning so much and playing so well with other kids, that while he would love for me to be with him, I think he would get bored and stir crazy with me 24/7. This is such a personal decision though. You are not horrible for feeling guilty, yet still working.
I was recently at a birthday party with other kids that aren't in daycare and I was amazed at the development difference. While one of the kids may have known the sounds of letters (they were all 2), he didn't interact with the other kids and was very nonverbal. I felt that my son, and his daycare friend were much more advanced. I know that that isn't the most important thing, but it helps me get through the day.

Your guilt MAY be trying to tell you something. Could it be that your child needs his mom, not a day care provider?

I worked long hours so my wife could be a SAHM. We lived in smaller homes and had older cars, shopped only the sales and ate hamburger and chicken leg quarters instead of steak and bonelesskinless chicken breasts. We downsized our lifestyle as we upsized our family.

There are lots of posts on mamapedia on how to save money. Look them up for good ideas.

Years from now you won't remember the adult toys you didn't get, but you will remember (and so will your child) the time you spent with him. When your child calls your day care provider "mom" you'll get an idea of how much you missed in the race to worship the almighty dollar.

I remember the shiny sparkle of joy in my wife's eyes as she told me about those special moments she had with our kids. I determined I would do all I could so she could have those special moments. I worked like a dog, and stayed with a job I grew to hate, so my wife stayed home with our kids.

You didn't say how much money you need to save to make it work or any of the financial details. I know you have a long growing season in Mississippi. You can have a garden and you can do other things to make up your salary or pay check. Several years ago some news magazine did an investigative story on working mothers and how much they earned after taxes, child care expenses, and the other things. In two of the three of the families featured the working moms took home 25 cents per hour or less. In the third family the working mom brought home less than $4 per hour.

I was a finance major in college. I am a bargin hunter. I have a small garden. I've done some financial counselling for my church. What I've found is that gererally speaking (GENERALLY SPEAKING) most moms work to support an unnecessary number of wants and desires, not necessities. If you subtract the payments for adult toys, day care, cleaning for work clothers, motor homes and storage payments and other similar things, the mom doesn't have to work.

Stay at home if you can. You'll never be able to relive those special moments with your kids.

Good luck to you and yours.

Just another perspective and I hope it's not offensive.

My two sons are 16 & 13. I worked alot when they were babies and very small. At the time I didn't think they suffered much from it, though I did have one that was sick constantly. To this day both of them can remember negative feelings from that time period (and I don't encourage them to dwell in the negative). It's genuine - they needed me and I wasn't always there.

My 16 year old absolutely detests traditional school - always has. He is a good student, a very good athlete and well-liked by other kids (so that's not why he hates school). IMHO it goes back to those very early years when he truly was NOT ready for "pre-school" (actually day care) and was forced into that environment and forced to cope with what few resources a toddler can muster. It's almost like he has a negative "Pavlovian" response to the word "school!"

Due to health reasons & other circumstances, we started homeschooling my younger son a few years ago. This past year older son joined us. I have NEVER seen a happier child. And he's been more involved in activities than I've ever seen him do previously. Both of my teens LOVE to be with their families. They are not detached, moody or difficult to be around (maybe we're just lucky - no matter what the reason I'm grateful).

I'm not saying this is what will happen with your children. It's just my experience and perspective having gone through this season of life - and having to live with some regrets. I'm lucky because I got to cut way back once they were in their early school years, and then begin homeschooling - that helped us alot.

It's hard to connect with teens once they're teens. That bond has to be formed, and reinforced in the earlier years. Working parents are able to do this - it's just harder sometimes due to the sheer exhaustion that comes.

Good luck and God bless you guys.

PS: I love the saying "to a child LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E."

That would describe me. I have a nice job, and now that my co-worker from hell has left, I even like it again.
We have great daycare, right at my place of employment, my daughter is very social and I love seeing her play with the other kids now that she is making her first friends (almost 3).
The problem is that I know that 40 hours of daycare a week is not ideal for kids and certainly not ideal for my DD. She is also asking to stay home some days (even though she LOVES her daycare) and the time I am missing with her is something I will never get back.
I am doing my best to have the strongest bond with her that I can. I maxed out my maternity leave (6 months!) I breastfed until 1.5 years and I try to make the time we have in the evenings and weekend matter.
I think I am doing ok for her but is it has definitely taken a toll.
I am constantly in catch up mode on housework, it has taken a toll on my marriage and I am EXHAUSTED by 8:30PM. The more exhasuted I get, the less able I am to make for quality time with either DD or DH... it's a vicious cycle.
I initially returned to work because DH was in school full time. That was easier on my DD, because she got to spend the mornings with Daddy and her daycare time was more like 30 hours a week. Now that we both work full time, the extra money is NOT worth it. I am planning to reduce my hours at work by the end of the summer and go part time by the end of the year. Hopefully I will return to school next summer and we will switch to half day pre school. I don't think either one of us will be bored AT ALL. We can finally do some of the fun stuff I always wanted to (gym, classes at the museum, dance, playdates at home ...) but never can because of my work hours.
My vote is that if you can cut back on work hours and spend more time with you child, do it! These years will never come back and once you get a rythm going I believe you will be neither bored, nor will you regret it. You can always go back to working FT when he is in school, or a teenager who doesn't want you to spend too much time with him anyways.
Good luck!

He will NOT get bored being with his mom. If you can reduce your hours, then that would be what's best for him. You already know that, or you wouldn't feel so guilty about dropping him off at a sitters. Social butterflies love being with family too.

Why are you seeking justification from other mothers that you aren't a bad mom? Do others opinions really matter when it comes to what's best for our children?

It sounds like you can go part time and be ok, so if you can do that, then that is what's best for your son.

I have been both, and am blessed that my husband and I decided to do without so I can stay with my son. While I was working I had the same guilt as you did, and it truly is very difficult to leave. It did not make me a horrible mom, but boy I sure felt like it some days! When he had a rough day, I made sure that we did something extra special that night (i.e. watch a short movie with popcorn or go to the playground even if I was exhausted). It helped me feel like I was still spending quality time with him. I also tried to leave early here and there so I could have a few extra hours with him in the evening.

I have to agree with Cat though and say that if you think that financially you can do it (and if you really look, most families can), cut your hours back. I just recently took on a part-time (12 hrs a week) job so I can feel like I am contributing and giving myself some "adult time", but also still be there for my son during the day. Maybe you can work something similar out?

For those moms who say that their children would be bored, no way Jose! If you decide to "stay home" make sure you get him involved in play groups, preschool, library programs, community center programs, go to museums, parks, etc. What I find is the days that I am not "working" I am insanely busy with all of the fun things we want to do.

I know I am probably not helping you right now, but if you really want to stay home some days, know that it can work for your social butterfly son. Whatever decision you make needs to be made for you and your family, not by anyone elses recommendation. This works for us, and I hope that you can find something that works for you!

Being a mom is hard. I work FT as does my husband. I love being with my daughter, but I love having my career too. I made a decision that I will not work longer hours than required and I will not do work at home while she is awake (I teach). Home time is family time.

My daughter is an only and will be for awhile yet, so I figure that going to daycare helps her socialize and become more independent as well. She is thriving. She's smart, funny, kind and has a beautiful spirit about her. She's more than I deserve! I feel guilty some days and I think that's normal, but in the end, we do what we feel is right for our family and our situation.

I find that I am a better mother because I work, others find that they are better mothers by being home. There is no winner in this and I think our guilt comes from everyone comparing themselves to each other.

Do what you feel is right. You know your child and your situtation better than anyone else. Trust that and don't let guilt or others guide you. Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your son and then with yourself and make the decision that is the best for everyone.

So many interesting views on such a "sticky" topic. My first piece of advise would be to consider what's best for your family; we're all different and have different circumstances.
I've parented in multiple situations. I worked FT with my first who spent his first 5 years in daycare. I still have guilt & and express this to my 17 year old son who says, "Mom, what are you talking about? I never felt ignored and I liked daycare/preschool." That makes me feel better. While he was "socialized" at daycare, he is the most socially awkward of my 3 children. However, he's the most independent socially too. He doesn't give in to peer pressure & feel like he should be exactly like everyone his age.
I worked PT with my second (ages 3-5)...home half a day with him. At 15, he's incredibly social, creative, intelligent, and independent, but he had reading problems early on. He's the kid I rarely worry about. If something arises, he figures it out independently and takes care of it.
I stayed home with my third. These were wonderful years where I was "super mom", felt no guilt, and was never apart from my children. I was there for their every desire. My son's reading problems improved with the extra attention and no one was without lunch, homework, play dates, etc. My daughter is the most social of them all & an average student. Out of my three, she is the most Dependent and at 10, expects me to entertain her or indulge her constantly & is very much a conformist. She loves life & doesn't want to miss an experience.
My point: We're all different. Looking back, there are pros/cons to it all. No situation is perfect. I learned that I need to "play the hand I'm dealt" & do the best I can for my family. You love them & care for them, warts and all. They grow to love us, warts and all.

I have worked a varity of part-time/full-time jobs over the last 15 years of having kids. They would always prefer you to stay home for security reasons in their hearts but its not realistic in today's world. I work full-time now and they dont seem to mind because they are older but they will live wither way. Think if it this way, the more you work the more opportunites you have because you have more money to have quality time with them. You can pay someone to clean the house or do quality time things with them like museums, baseball games and trips for ice cream that they will remember more than you being gone. Us women battle everyday about the working VS staying home VS finances, it pulls at our heart strings.

Don't make a big change. Just take a couple of days off and stay with him. Play and have fun. Those little hooky days might be just what you both need. If he really loves school he'll be ready to go back. Sometimes we don't need a big change, just a little refocussed time.

I work full time and have worked full time since I can remember. I have to leave my baby girl who is 3 years old at daycare every morning and some days are harder, but I know that she is well taken care off and she enjoys her little friends. Don't worry yourself out, you are not the only one that does this. I always tell myself that when I leave her there and she's in tears. You work to provide him with a good life and that's what you need to remember. I always tell my girl that mommy needs to go to work to pay for groceries, her house, her toys and then she always adds in there "for chicken and fries mommy" Which always makes me laugh! Hang in there you are not alone! It's hard, but it's for a good reason.

I feel quilty every second of everyday (i work fulltime and always have). My kids LOVE their daycare lady. She is like family now and like a grandmother to them. The kids that they are with have been there forever. BUT there are times when they don't want to go. I think its because they need more time with me. Its not that they want me to stay home forever but they just need a little more of me. I make sure that I take special time with each one (Daddy takes the other) on the weekends, but even then sometimes they just need more. Try getting off work one day early and suprise him with a trip to the park. Just the 2 of you or rent a movie and snuggle on the couch. I am certain that you give as much quality time as you possibly can to your little guy as we all try to do, just know that sometimes they need a little more. :)

I never had a guilty feeling but I did miss him and want to spend more time. When mine was that age I rearranged my work schedule and would skip lunch and breaks so I could leave work at 3:00 everday but still get in all my hours. Just because you cut back to part time doesn't mean you can't get him out into the world so he can continue his social butterfly path. Take him to the park, playdates, museums, library, mall - our malls have awesome playlands in them.

My boys are now in 1st grade and pre-school. I use to feel so bad about leaving them when they were babies. My husband never had a problem with this because his mom always worked full-time (she was a teacher so she was home in the summers) and it was something that was normal for him and could not see why I was making a big deal of this. We had many arguments about this when I returned from maternity leave after my 1st son was born.
I know feel that my boys have not been damaged in anyway (that I'm aware of) because I work-full time. I believe this is normal for them and they both now that Mommie and daddy have jobs. Even though I work 40 hours per week outside the home I don't feel that I have missed anything where my children are concerned.
With my oldest son I actually take time off about 2 times per month to volunteer at his school. My youngest will start preschool in the fall and I plan to be involved in his school program as well. We spend lots of quality time together. I try very hard to provide a daily routine and stucture to their lives. It's extremely difficult to be a full-time working parent. If I had to do this alone I'm not sure how I would make it. My sister is a single working mom of a 3 year old and she amazes me at what she accomplishes and her daughter is just fine.
I'm sure your child will do great with you working.

I'm lucky that my husband can stay home to watch our son while I work, so I can't answer the guilt question (though I do sometimes feel guilty anyway, for not being there and for my husband bearing this burden, though I do my fair share & more on the weekends & after work).

However, maybe as a compromise, you could offer to take days off when the daycare/sitter takes the group on outings and go along as a volunteer/chaperone. That way, he won't get bored, you'll be able to share some special time with him, and see him with his friends/other kids. If he's in preschool or you're thinking of enrolling him, I know a lot of preschools welcome parent participation/visits, particularly for special activities.

If that doesn't work, how about picking a special activity on the weekend for you & your son, or you, your DH & son to go do together?

Although I love my daughter dearly, I also really enjoy my job and have worked full-time since she was a couple of months old. Since I have never been a real "baby" person, I felt guilty at being ok with leaving her so early. However, I have come to realize that she actually enjoys daycare where she is with adults who love children (and don't have to spend 24/7 changing diapers) and with other kids who challenge her and let her really express herself. In essence, I believe she is happier at daycare than she would be spending everyday with just me! Now, that said, I am a teacher and do get to spend the summers with her, which is a nice change of pace. However, I think that a good daycare program with providers you trust can help lessen some of the guilt...great job doing what you think is best for your child - it's all any of us can do!

As a parent, you will always have that feeling of "am I doing enough for my child?". As a parent of three, I still feel like that at times. Am I spending too much time with one and not enough with the other? I work full time and am involved in alot of their after school activites, yet I always make time for them on the weekends (because week days are filled with homework or games or practices). One child will get to spend 2-3 hours of their choice doing whatever they chose, from going to see a movie with a friend, skating, swimming etc as along as I am there supervising them. That way they have the sense of spending time with their friends, but having me close by if they need me without looking like a "mommy's boy" in front of their friends. Next weekend, its another child's turn. It works for us. We have learned that although we do things as a family, sometimes we all need some alone time with mommy or daddy. I know your child is only 3, but if it makes you feel better, know that it's only natural to feel that way. Try a few things, see what work and what doesn't. Best of luck to you and your little one.

I'm a single mom and need to work full time in order to support myself and my daughter so daycare was a necessity. My daughter is now ten, a gifted student and doing well. And although my daughter is doing great and is happy and healthy....I still to this day experience parental guilt....all the time, about everything. I feel like I'm a horrible mom sometimes, but my daughter thinks I am a superhero. I think it just comes with the territory.

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I think all moms should try to not compare themselves to everyone else; rather, we should all realize that ALL MOMS WORK FULL TIME! I'm at home, I have three boys, and I babysit two others everyday. The two I watch are great kids; their mom works outside the home FT, and she always has that guilt and tells me often about it; but she also tells me that she thinks I'm great for her kids, they love being with my kids, and she's grateful that we all make such a good team. I used to work FT for Fannie Mae as a business analyst, so there are times that I feel, sort of, like a "nobody," because now I'm JUST a SAHM. But, most days, I love what I do, I think I'm good with the kids, and it works out well for my family. I don't sit all day, I eat breakfast and lunch standing-up... I sit w/ my family for dinner, which is usually the first time everyday that I sit for more than just the time it takes to pee. :)
I think it's OK to have mixed emotions about any situation about working or not working outside the home. There is a lot of pressure on women to be at home AND find a career; quite frankly, women are the ones expected to do it all and be able to balance everything; we're not perfect, we can't do it all, we need help sometimes, and all that is OK.

I work full time now, but just last year I was a SAHM. I love working with kids and so I found a job I could be with mine and others. I work at a daycare (full time with my kids) and am going to school to be a teacher. I dont feel guilty bc I know I HAVE to provide for my family. I also know that when I leave them with their teacher that they will be loved and taken care of.

You're not a horrible mom because you work! If you can afford to cut your hours back and you feel it would benefit your family, then go for it, but not just because your son asked you but because its the best thing for your family as a whole.

3 year olds are a special breed unto themselves :) They still want lot of attention from parents but also are starting to get some autonomy and having the security of mom and dad helps them with that. Kids benefit from different environments and being around different people (all vetted by parents!) but it sounds to me like maybe your little guy just wanted a little more reassurance from you? I'm guessing! But if you want to be home, and your family can afford you to work part time and your job will allow it; try it out.

Good luck!

Moms should be at home with their kids. you miss sooo much if your not! the things my kids say make me laugh so hard im glad im here to see it first hand. once both of my children are in school i will go back to work until then i will be with them i cant imagine missing a moment of any of this!!!! (even the not so great days!)

I've worked full time since college & I have yet to feel guilty about leaving my son in daycare. He's now 18 months and I'm expecting my 2nd next year. Yes, there are days that I do miss him but my husband & I both agree that daycare is what works best for us right now as I love my job & I would go stir crazy at home. Plus my son is able to be around other children and is very happy to see his friends. Don't worry, you're not a horrible mom for feeling this way, a lot of us do. If you are able to swing the reduction in hours, then I would say go for it. Otherwise, don't beat yourself over this.
:-) Good luck!

You are most certainly NOT the only one with Working Mama guilt. I can tell you what really worked well for us. I was able to negotiate every other Friday off. Sounds silly but 2 extra Friday's a month made a HUGE difference in our house not too much of a pay-cut so it worked OK. I look forward to it as much as my older son (2.5). My younger son is just happy to have extra Mommy time. We talk about it- this is our special Friday- what would you like to do this week? I try to make a rule for myself that it is my special playdate day with them and try to avoid laundry, etc.
Every Mom and child is different. Good luck finding what works for your family!!!

Do I ever feel guilty about leaving my kids at daycare and not being with them every day for that time, sure. But then I take a step back and realize that:

1. We cannot afford for me to cut back (my job does not offer it) or quit my job.

2. We LOVE their daycare and they are learning so much and are truly loved by the people who watch them.

3. They are getting the social interaction with other kids that they would not get at home and completely structured days that would not maybe happen at home.

That being said, I'd love to be able to be a stay at home mom, but I just know it's never going to be a reality. So I do not dwell on it. I just make the most of the times we are together, but do not avoid going out occasionally on weekends so they can spend quality time with Daddy, their grandparents or aunts/uncles.

I was a stay-at-home mom and worked from home. It worked for us, but that's not always the case and you've certainly keyed in on a dilemma many, many moms (and dad!) are confronted with and that frustration and confusion can add even more stress to an already stressful situation. What helped me the most was learning to build a new internal foundation for myself where I could create and tap into a more balanced place no matter what the situation which allowed me to have more clarity in decision making, greater ability to enrich my childrens' lives - not to mention greater fulfillment and better health. You're a wonderful mom for caring so much. Balanced care will reap the greatest benefits for all.

Horrible mom?!? NO WAY!!! I know how you feel. And it is so hard to leave your kids to go off to work. My son stays with my MIL (which I'm thankful to have her so close and willing to watch him), but I still would rather be the one staying with him. He's still too young to realize I'm going and actually miss me, but still doesn't mean I'm not drying my eyes by the time I get to work. I imagining that when he starts crying when I leave it will be worse for me. Stay strong!! But I highly doubt he'll be bored with you!

If going to part time is something you have the option to do, I say do it! I don't have that option and I would take it in a heart beat! You can find play groups to take him too so he can still be social and you might make friends too. If this is something you can financially make possible, do it!

My mom worked 2 jobs and I remember being so sick of the baby sitter. I used to throw fits about having to go and I'm sure I made her feel guilty about leaving me. She didn't have a choice though since she was raising me on her own, which I didn't understand at the time. I remember one day she secretly took off of work and I got to stay home with her. I loved that. It was so great and I never would have been bored with her. Just being able to stay home was nice enough. I hated babysitters and daycares when I was little. Nothing beats your own parents!