Mommy Seperation Anxiety

Many moms experience this. It's normal, don't fret. No one else will EVER be mom but it's healthy for her to have other experiences outside of mom or she could develop stranger anxiety. You feel good in your choice for daycare so trust yourself that they will treat her well. Again, it won't be like mom but she doesn't need that 24/7 to grow into a confident, secure child. I'd guess your daughter is a little daredevil who shows little fear and enjoys adventure. My 22 month old is like that. It's part of their personalities. The fact that she has run off without a second thought shows you've done great so far with the parenting and safe, loving environment you've given her. Congrats to you for that!

HI L., It is so natural for you to feel as you do. You would feel worse if she was crying miserably. She will be fine at day care. You both would have a much harder time if it was just the two of you for 4 years and she started pre- school. Go there some time and watch on the video monitors and see how well she is adjusting. Grandma Mary

Hi L.,

I think you should be very grateful that you are able to walk away without a screaming fit that you literally have to peel your little one off - believe me, tantrums are much more disturbing and painful (you are left with a feeling of hurt, knowing your hurting your little one - a miserable feeling)!

Her ability to interact with other children, and not look to you for a reaction, is a good thing - it means she is a well adjusted child. Be proud of it. Not all children are as well adjusted or behaved. But beware, all days may not - will probably not - go as smoothly as today. She probably just got caught up in the excitement of seeing other children. Just leave it be, she'll be fine.

My son, now almost 9, was with me almost everyday his first 2 1/2 years. I'd left him with a friend to go shopping for the day only a couple times - it was devastating to us both. Then when he started head start - preschool - the first couple days were horrible to get him on the bus, knowing I wasnt going with him. He was glad to see me when he got home, but mad at me because he missed me. I was upset too, that he didnt take it as well as I had hoped, but it got better.

Good luck

Hi L.,

Isn't it funny -- that all this time when you heard folks talk about separation anxiety, you assume they're talking about the baby, not the mom! But we get separation anxiety too.

The fact that your child can walk away from you the way she did is great! That means that you have effectively taught her self-confidence, and she therefore feels comfortable enough to walk into a room of strangers and not be intimidated or overwhelmed. That's good! I understand your concerns about this not being normal -- and in situations in which this is NOT normal, often you see the child struggling or unable to bond with any individual, including parents. They appear to be in a world of their own. This does not sound like your daughter.

As for day care, I know what you feel like. I too, saw my son socializing like a pro at 16 months in his new day care. I watched the video monitor for a few minutes, and...you guessed it, left the facility can cried all the way to work! It's a terrible, terrible feeling.

However, I am sure you have thought through your decision to send your child to day care extensively. Even with your best efforts there are always doubts about any care that is not mommy's care. I would wait it out for a few days and reassess your feelings. Trust yourself and listen to your instincts. If this day care is not a good choice, you'll know. You'll feel it in your heart. And it's right, you'll know and you'll see in in your daughter. Good luck.

Wow! Be happy she did not cry. However, if you want
separation anxiety you may get it within the next week
or so. If it does not happen, you should be thrilled.
Sit back and take a deep breath. You are the one with
separation problems. Be happy that she is secure
enough to go an have fun. Relax. Good luck.

L.,

I think its great that she's adjusted so well...now if you can just relax enough to enjoy some "me time" without worrying about her, you'll be in good shape. The fact that she has adjusted so well speaks volumes about your care in raising her so far!

If you think leaving her at daycare is tough, wait until you have to put her on the bus for her first day of kindergarten! Unfortunately, they don't stay little for very long!

I know, as I'm sure all the other mothers on here do, exactly how tough it is to let them begin to become independent, but no matter where she is, YOU will always be her mother, and that's a bond that can never be broken. I know its hard right now, but be proud of her, and proud of yourself for making her that way. You've done a great job so far!

D.

Hi L.
dont get so possesive for ur child ur overprotection can harm her growth and development u should be happy that ur child is an extrovert child getting involved with her peers well.these kind of worries do arise in the mind but u have to ignore them.just be happy with ur child n make her feel that she is the best.

I can't give you much advice, but thank you for this post! I am a stay-at-home mom of 21 month old twin boys. I have been home with them everyday also. It has gotten to the point that I need to go back to work. I am lonely and need to talk to adults! I also sense that they need to be socialized more. They love playing with other kids and I think would do great at daycare.
I am exactly like you. I am hesitant because I am nervous they won't eat enough, that they will not be able to nap somewhere foreign, that they will hurt other kids (they play rough), and the list goes on and on.
Honestly as hard as this is for you, I think it is the right thing to do. She is at the age where she needs to be socialized and learn new things. Plus you are only doing it part-time so you still get plenty of time with her. I don't think it is a problem that she didn't care that you left. She was 'a kid in a candy store'. I'm sure she will miss you and be excited to see you when you pick her up.

I love your posting. The same thing happened to me when my son was about your daughter's age. I was dropping him off for the first time with a new baby sitter, a man, affectionately called "Pop pop". As a single mom with no man in my life at the time, I just knew my boy would be crying and left early to get there to drop him off and comfort him through his anxiety.

We got out the car, walked up the steps, rang the bell. My son took this man by the hand and off he went happy as a clam. I went back to my car and cried like a baby. I had to learn to count my blessings. My son was with someone he was comfortable with and so was I. For the next two years, my son was with Pop Pop every day and when it came time to pick him up, he didn't want to leave.

My son is 15 years old now and is a confident and comfortable young man. I still have to remind myself I'm not raising him to cling to me or need me in an unhealthy way but I'm raising him towards independence. It's not easy but it is necessary.

You are not strange or weird but quite normal. Try to keep a stiff upper lip and courage as your little one makes her way in this world. You're doing a great job.

I cried a lot when I started my son in daycare (he was 5 months at the time). I couldn't believe I was leaving him somewhere so that I could go to work. But if you find the right daycare, it is really FUN for them to be there! Tons of toys, other kids, they go outside, read, do art projects, etc. There will be some days that your daughter cries when you leave, and you will feel bad about that. There will be other days when she doesn't, and you'll feel bad about that, too. And you will never know what day will be an easy separation and what day will be difficult. Of course daycare is not home, but I think you'll find that everyone is happier overall.

Good luck!
B.

On my son's first day of prek(he was 3, never had a babysitter or even a grandparent watch him...they lived far away)we had talked a lot about him going and how great it would be....anyway as I'm driving him there he say's "Now remember Mom you're dropping me off..." we pulled into the parking lot and he said"I can take it from here..." Well I explained to him that I had to take him in...it's the rules...and I laughed through my tears all the way home...I mean am I soooo awful that he didn't even care to leave me!!??!! The truth is, I did a great job with him...and with his younger brothers who didn't seperate as well...We should rejoice in our children's triumphs and embrace their personalities...they're all different...my boys that cried when I dropped them off don't love or miss me more than the 2 that went running for the door(and yes, #5 just started prek and I have pictures of him running in the preschool on that first day...lol)....there's good and bad to both sides(the shy and the extrovert). Take a deep breath and really don't worry about...a lot of kids don't cry at first, but after a couple of weeks when it's not so new they have issues...my 5 year old is in kindergarden, loves his teacher and school, but now he wants to stay home because he's figured out my day still goes on w/o him...be happy and excited for your daughter! Hopefully she'll always want to go...my oldest is now in the 5th grade and still loves to get up and go to school...and every summer he says how much he loves to be home but misses school...yeah for him...wish they were all that easy :) lol!!! Relax and enjoy your time apart...it makes your time together even better!!!

SO NORMAL! Feel perfectly entitled to cry and feel sad, because the truth is, you BOTH have seperation anxiety to deal with. The first day was by far the hardest for me. You should feel so proud that she is confident enough to happy in this new place, knowing you will come back. Seperation comes and goes also. Sometimes my son gets upset when i leave or hesitates, but he almost never cries, and sometimes he walks in and doesn't look back. My son is also 20 mths, and the whole, he LOVES day care and all of his friends there, and he LOVES his care givers. We hear about 'baba' (barbara) ALL the time!! No one will ever replace mom, but I think it is so important to allow your kids to trust and be cared for by other adults, who they will also learn from and be loved by. Another comment someone once made that I think is hilarious but true, was that as great and as perfect we are as parents, we ALL have our hang-ups that we pass on to our kids, and it is always good to dilute that a bit with other influences :-) It takes a village, as they say. Hang in there, it will get easier, and you have that huge smile and hug to look forward to whenever you pick her up!

Whatever it means, don't worry...she loves you and from a mom who's been having her child CRY everyday (for 2 years) when she drops him off 3 days a week at school since he was a baby, trust me, its NOT FUN and I'd rather have your feeling than the feelings that come with leaving your screaming child - its new to your daughter so maybe its just fun and exciting, when she realizes its a long term thing she might not be to happy but I wouldn't want that for her if I were you - you can deal with your feelings as they are now but if she's happy you should be happy. Leaving her and having her happy and not screaming and running after you when you walk out the door SHOULD NOT be a cause for your concern. Be happy for her! My son is 2.5 and most days he does not cry anymore but some days he just wants to be home and he crys - those days ruin my day - the days I leave him happy makes my day happy - I work full time out of the home, so seriously be happy with your situation and don't try to make it something bad - we moms hurt the most no matter what the situation right? You and your daughter are fine and since she's been home with you for this long, she clearly ready to venture out on her own a bit! Good for her! : ) And for you!

Congratulations! You are an awesome mom! You are doing exactly what I think a great mom does, give their child the skills to go out into the world and be confident, give them the actual opportunity to do so and then cry like a baby over it! The BEST moms are the ones that dont think they do enough. If your little on went off without a hitch, then all is well! Dont feel bad for feeling bad, this is your baby and her first foray out into the world without you. Wait until kindergarten, 1st grade, sleepaway camp, college, THEN you cry! Best of luck!

My son is almost 2 and has been going to daycare since he was a baby. At this age, he loves it. He constantly sings little songs about the other kids and his teachers. He eats a ton at school; way more than he does at home. I think this is because the day is more structured at daycare, and the eating part is very social for the kids.

But relax... just because my son loves the social aspect of "school" doesn't mean Mommy and Daddy are not his favorite people in the world. Sometimes I feel bad picking him up because he's out riding bikes with his friends, but his face lights up when I come to get him. And some days he's clingier than others at dropoff time. I think his most perfect day would be for me to spend the day with him at school.

You will always be Mommy, and your daughter will always be thrilled to be with you (until she's 12 or 13, but that's another issue... ha ha). She is ready for friends and new toys and new learning experiences, but Mommy is still going to be her best friend.

L. - this is so normal. I put my daughter in daycare 2x a week when I went back to work when she was about 22 months. I cried like crazy those first few weeks of work (I look back now and don't know how I focused on work). It was overwhelming for all of us. When I was upset, it upset my husband - in fact, I am upset just remembering it now.

Day one was a breeze - but the next few days were hard because she knew that we would be leaving her there. She would cry and cry but the teachers would tell us to say goodbye, leave ASAP and she would settle down in about 30 seconds. I would wait outside the door out of site. And they were RIGHT!! Your child will always want to be with her mommy and you will always want to be with her. But what can we do? Give it time and it will all be very routine.

Now, a year and a half later, she has transitioned to preschool wonderfully. She looks forward to school and is very well socialized. And - she learned a LOT in day care. Not just social skills but educational skills as well, following the rules, etc.

Having a kid that doesn't hold on to you and cry is not a bad thing. It means they are outgoing and ready to take on a challenge. I'd rather my daughter meet the world head on any day than hide in a corner or behind my leg. It's a challenge when she takes off in the mall – but…ugh!!

As for food, etc - you daughter will learn the daycare's schedule and she will adapt to it. Don't worry.

My best advice - keep a box of sanitizing hand wipes in the car and wipe her hands (and yours) the minute you get to the car. I picked up lots of my daughter’s colds and stuff last year and am trying to not repeat this year!

Hi L.,
Having no separation anxiety is not a problem, don't be such a worrier - because kids pick this up from us. If you are having such major anxiety over her going to daycare, she will pick up on this and act accordingly, they take their cues from us. She doesn't need to cry and you shouldn't want her to. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you just because you are crying and she is not. She is going for the day, then coming home, if she doesn't eat "enough" make sure that if she asks for more at dinner, you give it to her. She isn't going to become malnourished from going to daycare. If she isn't used to interacting with kids her age, the teacher will facilitate that, it's their job to do so - it won't get easier for her to figure that out when she's older. If she is having a rough time, her teachers will let you know. If she is not having a rough time, don't look for trouble where there isn't any.
Good luck.