Mom's Friend Died - Should I Tell Her?

We just had to deal with this same problem for my ex-husband's grandmother, who has mid-stage Alzheimers. Ultimately, we decided not to tell her because she would have had to deal with the pain over and over again. And she wasn't going to get "better" and wonder where her very good friend went.

Since her short term memory is a problem I don't think I would tell her. I would tap into her long term memory by telling you stories about her friend, their friendship and various stories of their time together. I wouldn't want to subject someone to the repeat pain of losing someone but rather focus on the good times. Having lost several people in my life, hearing that news once is enough. Don't subject her to dealing with it over and over again.

I used to work with patients with Alzheimer's and Dementia. And I can tell you that, no, there is no need to tell her. If she ever asks about her friend, tell her she's on vacation and she'll see her soon. It will appease her for the moment, and she'll forget about it five minutes later. Try not to act like anything is off when you're around your mother. It won't do her any good.

Yes, you'll mourn and your mother may notice your mood and ask about it. I'd just tell her you're feeling sad at the moment and change the subject. My daughter sometimes notices when I'm sad or upset about things that I don't want to talk about and all I have to say is to tell her I'm sad and don't want to talk about it if she asks more.

This may be more difficult with your mother unless you've established that pattern already but I'd give it a try. I wouldn't try to deny that "something's off" because she'll keep wondering.

If this is a friend that she would expect to see I'd say she's away. You'll see her later. And talk about the good times with the friend if she wants to do that. I would not tell her the friend died, ever. No need to put both of you thru that.

No, don't tell her. The hard thing is that if she does remember bits and pieces, it's like the pain of finding out that you have lost someone is new over and over. Spare everyone this sadness, W..

I'm very sorry about your mother.

No don't tell her. Put it out of your mind so you're not "off". Usually honesty is the best policy. Not in this case.

W., I agree with others about not telling her. But allow yourself to process it, since surely you knew this lady for many years yourself. Send a card, make a donation to an appropriate charity in memory of this lady, send something to the daughter who called, whatever works for you. Mark this passage yourself since your mom cannot.

I truly, truly feel for you in this sad situation! Seeing our parents' lifetime friends die is tough because it only reminds us of our parents' mortality too. When my mother was in a nursing home (not dementia but other issues), I chose not to tell her that my husband's uncle had died or that an old friend of hers had died. She herself did not live much longer after those deaths, and I truly think telling her about those deaths would have made her more depressed and hastened her own end. Had she taken a turn for the better and begun to really recover, yes, I would have told her in time, but certainly I am glad she died not knowing those two friends were gone. In your case, where your mother won't even remember the fact and will experience the pain anew each time, and be confused -- I would agree not to tell her. I gains you nothing, gains her nothing, does not even allow her to express condolences to the family as she would wish to do if she were fine.

Again, you have my sympathies for your own grief and for this sad dilemma.

Oh dear, I'm sorry. My mom's in the beginning stages now, too. No, I would not tell her.

:(

I wouldn't tell her. We have chosen not to tell my MIL about such things because she will not remember it and if it's mentioned, it will be like telling her all over again. Why introduce pain? I'd just let it go.

I usually like to be up front and honest with people, however, not in this case I wouldn't tell her.

I hope you are already connected to your local chapter at Alzheimer's Association. If not, now is the time to get support. You should browse through their website they may have some recommendations posted. Personally, I would tell my mother, if she were to remember her friend in the future I would just say she is away and cannot be reached. Good luck with your difficult decision.

I would not tell her unless she specifically asks about her friend. I don't see any reason to upset her unnecessarily. Good luck.

Normally I think it's best to be direct and honest with our elderly (and everyone actually), but in this case I wouldn't say anything.

we were told to tell our grandfather who had alshimers and dementia the truth. if he asked for his wife who passed 10 yrs previouse tell him she died years ago. Once you tell your mom and she will be upset if she continues to ask for her friend and over the next few weeks it becomes a roller coaster ride all day long I would tell her " you can see her soon" . or " one day". Meaning in heaven but the care giver nurses that helped our grandfather told him to not delude him in his hulisnations, to tell him what is happening and the truth! Good luck.

I think it is best to tell her once and then not again. You are right she will forget about it once her first sadness is over. If she continues to ask just side track her. My aunt had Alzheimers and when her husband of 65+ years had died she was sad, but even she forgot and when she would ask her kids where Dad was they would just tell her he's gone and she would leave it at that.

My Mom has Alzheimers and I know how the short term memory goes with the same questions over and over again and telling them something is like the first time all over again. I'm sorry you have to go through this as I am for all loved ones who go through this with their parents/relatives. It is a very sad disease for everyone involved especially the care givers or the ones closely involved.

I would tell your Mom though coz it was her friend and she should know even if she won't remember 5 minutes later.

Good luck!

W.:

i'm so sorry!! Dementia is not fun for anyone. I'm sorry you are going through it with your mom.

Personally? I would not tell her. If she believes that something is "off" just tell her - everything is fine. If she asks about her friend - tell her she's not available (it's not a lie). There is no sense in hurting her time and time again.

I'm sorry!

I would not tell her unless she asked me point blank about the friend.

i guess i'm going to be the oddball. i talked my favorite aunt through this situation when her brother died, and she had to decide whether or not to tell their mom, my grandma, who was in a nursing home with practically no short-term memory. of course everyone, including me, said not to tell her.
my aunt's take on it was different. she felt that grandma had a right to know and that withholding information from her, even for her own sake, was infantilizing her beyond what was ethical or respectful.
so she told her. and it was really hard for poor grandma. and then she did forget, and the family chose not to keep reminding her about her about it. but they were honest with her, and on the odd days when grandma remembered that her baby was gone, and mourned, they mourned with her.
i think now that my aunt was right.
i'm so sorry about your mom. there's not much harder than this. good luck with this hard decision in a string of hard decisions. my thoughts are with you all.
khairete
S.

My husband works with a lot of dementia patients. Recently him (the Dr.), the care home staff, and the family agreed not to tell a demented lady that her middle age daughter had died in a car accident. But weeks later, she was asking and asking about her daughter, so they had to tell her. I do know that is it logical and compassionate not to tell demented people about the death of loved ones. You can try and not tell her, but if the deceased is missed and and asked about and it become an issue, go to plan B and tell her.

I would tell her and if she wants to attend the services, I would take her BEFORE the services for a private viewing.

We, on the outside, know what and when they can recall. When my dad was told he had terminal 4 cancer and was given less than a year, my oldest sister sad to not tell him. My son and I disagreed but let it be. I told my son right then--when I am at my end--I WANT TO KNOW! Different situation, but then again--I repeat--we do not really know what dementia allows one to process.

I agree with Suz T, (as usual).

She has a right to know, but I agree with the others who have suggested only telling her once.