Mom of 2~ - Pawtucket,RI

C.,

Do you have a fiancee and a husband? Your January posts talk about your husband?

I don't understand your question. If your mother comes on vacation and isn't a hands-on grandma, it could be because she feels that is her vacation. It could also be because she doesn't live close enough to know your children's routines. It could also be because she feels she is the grandma and you are the mother and someone else is the father and she should have the grandparent fun while the parents do the care-taking.

As far as language goes, if your mom isn't comfortable speaking English, then that is life. It is not ignorant to speak in Portuguese but as Cheryl said, it is rude to speak in Portuguese around English-only speakers if the Portuguese speaker also speaks English reasonable well and is comfortable.

If your mom only visits a few times per year, make them short, orchestrated visits. Ask her to help and tell her exactly how to help with the children. Good luck!

There are some situations where I think it's best to just find what you can change and better about yourself...and accept that you can't change the other person. I personally, would not tell her that speaking in Portuguese is 'ignorant'...that alone would put me in a VERY nasty, defensive, mood around you. If you're up for the challenge, I would treat her as if she was the mom that you want her to be...and look for ways you can be a better daughter...don't do either with any manipulative intent tho'. It's a tough situation and I wish you the best of luck!

Your house, your rules.

She may not be a hands-on grandma, as others said, because she doesn't know the kids' routines or because she wants to feel special and be treated to a vacation. Perhaps she wants to be appreciated for her efforts in raising you.

Not sure why you are so upset about her speaking Portuguese. Do you understand it but your kids don't? Why not teach them??? It's great for kids to know another language and to appreciate their heritage. If the Portuguese is being spoken just to exclude someone (perhaps your husband?) then translate as she goes along so he feels included. It is NOT ignorant to speak a native tongue - it's a way of holding on to a treasured heritage. I don't know why this upsets you so much, but there is a strong trend in 2nd generation people to assimilate and be "just as American" as those who have been here for generations. It doesn't always work out well.

You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to. That said, if you are saying she only visits when your fiancé is around (perhaps he travels??), then tell her it's not a good time to visit BUT set up another time that works for you. It could be that your mom is jealous of your fiancé's mom too.

YOU decide when to invite her to visit. Try it when your fiancé is not there, speak Portuguese and teach the kids a few words, treasure it, and send her home. Make the visit for 3 days. Then make another one a few months later.