My mom came to stay with me for " a couple of days" Saturday and apparently (according to my son she hasn't said anything to or asked Me) she is staying through Christmas that is fine. BUT my husband heard her on the phone today talking to my sister and she told her she would come to her house for Christmas but then she was going to come back up and stay with me for a few MONTHS. ( A little back story- my mom is married to her 4th husband whom she just left about 6 weeks ago because he beat her up. She moved from Nevada and has been staying with my sister in southern utah since then ) I have not extended an invitation to her to stay I havent even mentioned her staying. She and my husband are not exactly friends and he is out of work so he is home all day they would be home alone all day together. I dont want her to stay I dont need the extra stress she doesnt realize that just having her hovering around my house is making me crazy. How do I tell my mom that is really is not a good idea that she stay, that I think it is better if she just stay with my sister or maybe with my younger, single brother? seriously this is a disaster sorry for the rambling Merry Christmas
NOTE- My mom and I are not "close" we talk mostly small talk we have nothing in common and when she was in Nevada we spoke maybe three or four times a year.
There is no way my mom is going to get help from a shelter or any battered women help I know that so dismissing all that, I finally sat her down last night with a glass of wine and asked her what her plans were. After hum ho-ing around for a few minutes she said she thought she would stay with us for a while. Because my youngest son is off track until the middle of January she thought she could help. I told her that my husband is home and he can handle #2 while he is home since he is out of work and that right now with him home the house in midst of remodel ( ripping things apart keeps hubby sane) now is not the greatest time. She didnt say anything she just finished her wine and walked downstairs, hasnt said anything all day. So that went well huh
Just tell her.
If you dont tell her when you want her to leave she will assume she can stay as long as she wants to.
Just tell her.
Start out by asking "Mom is there anythingyou'd like to throw into the washing machine before you pack?"
THAT will start the convo.
I would wait until 12/26, and then sit her down with a cup of coffee and ask her what her plans are for the next year or two (in light of her recent separation).
I agree that she may need intensive counseling, and a battered women's shelter may be the best place to deal with that issue.
I would say "Mom, our family is barely making it as is, and we just cannot absorb another set of problems to handle." That being said, if my mom had no where else to go I would find her a place to live (not necessarily with me though).
Good luck - my heart goes out to you.
I agree with Julia S. Maybe before Christmas ask her what is the master plan. Maybe she was just saying that to your sister? Good luck.
Sounds like you need to flat out ask her what her intension are and tell her yours. Lay everything out on the table.
R., I do understand your frustration however, your mom has been through a lot. I know she's an adult, but she has a lot of emotional needs right now and she feel safe with you. I do think you need to address the issue but be very delicate about it. Maybe encourage her to seek counseling at a woman's batter shelter. They have lots of resources. She doesn't have to stay there but she could join the group meetings and have individual counseling. Your mom is very brave for leaving, many women don't or will go back and you do NOT want her to go back to him. As crazy as it is for you right now, wouldn't you much rather have that than a dead mother? Why don't you call the domestic violence shelter, talk to them about what they could offer then tell your mom about it. Don't tell her she has to live there, but at least go to the counseling. Please love your mom right now...
How rude of your mother not to ask you if she can live with you for a few months! I am very sorry what her 4th husband did to her, but that doesn't give her the right to impose on your and your family without even asking. Since I assume she is getting a divorce, she will get some money out of that. Until then, it makes much more sense for her to live with your single brother! Does she have any siblings? That would hopefully be an option, too. Is she looking for a job? I certainly hope so! You just need to be honest with her and tell her that she is welcome to stay until Christmas (or a few days after Christmas), but living with you beyond that is not an option. Good luck!
I would find out about battered women's shelters in your area. They are equipped to handle situations you are not - she may need therapy, and since her husband hit her, it may be safer for her to not have her in your home in order to protect your OWN family. You can only do so much to help her; she has to help herself.
You need to just tell her... sure sure you can wait until after Christmas - but you must tell her you can't have her stay at your house.
Agreed, and you can frame it positively - Denise's "master plan" is a good way of putting it. Maybe help her find housing of her own, offer to go apartment hunting with her, etc. so she realizes you don't intend for your house to be her long-term home.
Talk to her. If you do not want drama at Christmas, than wait until next week, but you do need to talk to her about what her plans are and what is ok with you.
HI--
It seems that it is time to set some boundaries with your mother. Based on her recent experiences she clearly does not understand boundaries very well--both on how people should treat her and how she should treat others. Everyone here is correct that she clearly needs help after what she's been through--but you can't force the help. A life lesson like the one she is experiencing can only be learned when a person is ready for it, and not one second before. So treat her with compassion and love, but with firm boundaries over what does and does not work for you.
As far as you know she is there for a visit because she hasn't said anything to the contrary to you. Ask her flat out how long she plans on "visiting". If she expresses a desire to stay for an extended period of time then you have the opportunity to explain to her that while you love her, you and your family are not in a position to host her for an extended stay. However, you'd be happy to assist her, in concert with your siblings, to find a place that works for her. If she does not give you a date for when her "visit" will be over then you need to pin her to one. I know she is your mother, so you feel some responsibility towards her. However, would you do this to your children? You have to treat her like the adult she is--it is the most respectful thing to do for her and yourself. If you can help her then great, but it is not your responsibility to take care of her--that is her responsibility. If she can't take care of herself then help her find a place--like a shelter--that can teach her how to take care of herself.
I'm sorry if I sound callous--it is possible to be compassionate and loving and still take care of your own needs.
Good luck!
J.
Show her this request, and the answers.
Good luck.
I agree with the other responses you have received. You will need to talk to her. Be calm and straight forward when you do and do not forget to remind her that you do love and care for her. Her lack of communication is putting you in a tough spot and I know how stressful it can be having a family member staying with you for an extended time. My mother, who I love dearly, used to visit from out of town for the holidays. One week would turn into two and somehow it would be a month or two later. During that time, my husband and I felt stifled in our own home. The next time when she tried to do the same thing, I reminded her how she had another daughter and a son who would love the opportunity to spend time with her. I also explained how it was difficult for myself and my husband to manage our household, children, school and work and juggle her into it. I also told her how much her visits meant to me, but that it was supposed to be a visit, not a temorary living arrangement. She took it better than I thought and gave us more space and spent time with my siblings and even spent time with friends in the area. I know your mother's situation is different, but that does not make it any less stressful for you and your husband. Maybe your brother or sister could even step up and ask her to come to their home.
I would wait until after christmas or if it comes up, ask her what her plans are for the next few weeks or so----tell her that you and your husband are struggling a bit with having enough space and you have alot going on. See what she says. If she asks to stay, say that she can stay til New years but then needs to go back to her home. Gosh, what an awful position to be in! I feel for you....
GL
Molly
I would nicely drop the bomb on her after Christmas.
