Mom Carpool Question.

The last time a few parents in my daughter's class carpooled to a field trip, it was about 30 miles away, or so. The mom who was driving had to stop at the gas station, and I offered her a $20 for the gas, as did the dad who was riding with us, but she said, no, she was going to make the drive anyway and was glad for the company while we drove. So I went to the Starbucks next door and bought Starbucks for her. But she kept saying, "Oh, you don't need to do that!" So... I believe that around here, when you carpool, it's just understood that next time another person will drive, and the person who drove this time will get to enjoy someone else's car the next time. Maybe it varies from region to region though.

I don't offer if I'm not willing to donate the time and the gas. And, I don't bother getting upset over less than $5.

Generally people that volunteer their time, effort or gas mileage they...well, volunteer that service. They are not looking for or expecting compensation.

It was very unusual for the one mom to pay you, and not unusual for the other mom to not think of it. She didn't do anything wrong.

Next time, you ride with someone else. It all evens out, so don't get all worked up keeping score.

I don't think a few bucks, is something to get into a tizzy over. And, I think it's silly to not be friends with someone over it. I almost never carry cash, and when I need it, I usually forget to go to the ATM. She might have totally forgotten, been embarrassed she didn't have it, or genuinely did NOT have it. "She doesn't seem like she's hurting." Oh dear, you have no idea if she is. She could not have a cent of cash to her name and struggling. SO not worth a few bucks. I think you should let this go. There are plenty of innocent reasons she didn't pay.

If everyone had your threshold of not being friends with someone, you'd realize no one would have friends...right?

I don't think it would have occurred to me to split gas money on a 30 mile drive. To me, carpooling is nice because you have company, rather than having three people all driving to the same place at the same time in their own cars. It's better for the environment too. I definitely would have paid for parking at the destination, if there was a parking fee, but I don't think I'd pay gas money on a drive of that distance.

I do see your point, since the teacher's email specifically mentioned carpooling as a way to save money. I can understand why you expected to receive some. However, I don't think it was overly rude of the mom not to pay and wouldn't see it as cause to end a friendship if this was the only issue/offense.

I say this with a gentle tone, but I think you are overreacting.

It would not have occurred to me to offer gas money. Also, I would never have taken gas money if I was the driver especially since I was going any way.

I could totally see myself not even thinking of chipping in for gas. I just drove a friend home after a mom's weekend away and she did not offer money. It never even crossed my mind and it was a 2 1/2 hour drive. I just was glad I had the company. Give her the benefit of the doubt. You don't know her story and it seems you are making a ton of assumptions based on one event. I would hate to think of someone doing that to me. I just bank on people cutting me slack over the little stuff. I would not write her off for that "crime". Let's give each other some grace.

It was very nice of the one mom to offer, but maybe I'm clueless (and in all honesty, usually am), but I wouldn't have even thought about it. I think of carpooling for those kinds of events as getting to drive somewhere with company. Of course with my friends, it all evens out on everyone driving at least sometime and you probably won't have the opportunity with this one on a regular basis.

You volunteered knowing where the place was and I'm assuming had already planned on driving so you were willing to incur that expense on your own. The fact that it could have been shared or reduced is just a bonus, not a requirement. Don't judge this mom on one action. Maybe she'll drive the next time. And maybe she won't. But I'm guessing that's not the only thing that defines her.

You're getting upset over $3.66 if my calculator is working correctly. It was nice of the other mom to give you some cash. Maybe the other mom meant to and forgot. Or maybe she figures she'll drive a group next time.

If I were you, I would have figured I was driving already, so why not group up? I would also figure that next time, I might ride instead of drive.

When I offer to drive, I never mean to ask for money or help. I carpool alot with friends and family so we've never expecting anything from each other. Last year I picked up a girl in my son's preschool. Why? Because I just felt it was environmentally wrong for us to live right across the street and take two cars. I didn't take her money and I didn't ask for favors. It was just logical and since I was driving anyway, I might as well offer.

As a side note, the moms are the school probably think of me as someone who "doesn't seem like she is hurting" since I could spend more money when I was married to a husband to makes six figures but right now I have no money and yet I'm still trying to make school fun for my kids. I still own all the clothes I had during marriage so it's not like I look like I'm hurting. The point is, you don't know what people are going through at anytime and right now, I worry about gas in the car sometimes and if had to pick up the child across the street I would worry if I can survive that little drive with engine running waiting for them. Even worse, with my divorce, right now I need someone to talk to and if someone were to stop talking to me because I didn't have the money, I'd feel pretty crappy.

In all my years of driving on school, sport and scout trips I never even once THOUGHT about gas money. Many parents take turns driving over the years so it all works out in the end.
I would say if money is that tight you should probably not volunteer to drive again, volunteer in other ways, at the school.

Wouldn't have even occurred to me. And when I drive groups, which I do often, I never expect or accept money. Perhaps you should have discussed it before hand.

I only charge for gas money when it is a regular car pooling scenario, like when I was in college I drove a friend every day and he paid me weekly. For this type of thing I chalk it up to a) I was going there anyway b) I'll ride with someone else next time c) It was nice to have company d) I had a chance to get to know one of the other parents. "I volunteered to carpool, not be a taxi." Precisely. You pay a taxi...

Oops, I do not what to say... If I was that other lady I would not even know what to offer for a ride, I have no clue about miles per gallon stuff and such... I would assume that car pool is when you drive today and I drive on some other occasion... Recently, I was offering cash to another mom for a shared taxi ride to the playground near her house, but she refused, saying that she lives here and I live farther out, now you made me nervous if I should have been more insistent or should I try to treat her in some other way? I guess I am trying to tell you that the other mom could have been clueless, if you like her, stay friends, may be she will be looking for ways to repay you some other way...

If I had volunteered, I'd assume that I was picking up the gas. I agree with Veronica that I wouldn't have even thought to ask if you'd like money.

Seems to me that you volunteered - volunteering means that you give up something, time, money, etc.

I have done this sort of thing and money has never been exchanged. Like another poster said, it all evens out at some point or another. You offer to drive because you want to. You would've spent the 11.00 whether or not you carpooled, right? You don't want to be someone's friend over a less than 4.00 debt that in your head, she owes you? Wow. I think that's a little dramatic, honestly. Maybe you should alter your line of thinking or stop volunteering to drive and being the martyr.

When you volunteer, you volunteer your services. It never would have occurred to me to ask or even expect others to chip in. You were going whether they we t or not. We're you going to collect about $3.60 from each. Seems a bit petty to me.

I'm a big "scorekeeper" so always try to be fair but I'd have felt funny offering such an insignificant amount of money - especially if it's a friend. If I were you, I'd feel like I did the drive this time and wouldn't feel compelled to offer again. If she was there when the other mother gave you money, more unusual she didn't pipe up and offer too though. So depends a bit on the circumstances. I'd likely take into account her general nature when deciding if I wanted to be friends or not. But all I know is as mothers we seem to have to deal with so many women we'd never have to if it wasn't for our kids. I try to just shrug it off. I am WAY WAY in the black for playdates with many moms but I figure I do it for my kids. I assume you went on the field trip for your child's benefit vs other moms so try to focus on that.

It was rude but definitely overlook it.

If I was going anyway no one gave me money, if they offered then I'd accept but if they didn't I didn't ask.

You said yourself that you volunteered to carpool, not be a taxi. Taxi drivers get paid, carpoolers do not. To me carpooling is taking turns to drive to help save money. She may plan to drive for another school trip.

I would not expect an gas money for a trip like that.

It sounds like the school didn't make an assumption that folks would chip in to the driver and if they did, did not clearly communicate that to everyone. That was an assumption on your part. You also did not clearly state your expectations to the other moms, so they also made their own assumptions based on the information given, not the information stated. When it comes to money, people do tend to work on assumptions and hints. But you might consider making clear statements in the future. Especially since you don't know this mom very well, as you mentioned. You don't know how she communicates, what her true financial situation is, what her assumptions are. You could definitely have said, "Yes, I'd be glad to and appreciate any gas contributions."

In my own personal experience, I have volunteered to carpool to a preschool field trip or two and didn't receive any reimbursement. My payment was joining my kids on the fun.

I personally think resentment over this situation will hurt you more than it does anyone else.

Yes that could be very much aggravating. We tend sometimes to feel that others should have the same take on situations as we do. However, I have learned over the years everyone does not think the same way nor have the same morals and values. If you want something you have to be specific in what you're looking for as to not be aggravated by someone else's actions. A way to avoid that in the future is when someone ask if they can ride. A nice and to the point response could be: "Absolutely, we can both pitch in x amount of $ towards gas and that will save us all some money." If that is not made clear at any point in the conversation, she could possibly be looking at the carpool situation as if she didn't have a ride or had difficulty getting there, that there were others to assist. Without you making any conversation in regards to it, you will never know what her thoughts on it were. So to make a decision as intense as not wanting to be friends or acquintances with her could be quite drastic when you don't even know what her take on the situation was.

3o miles is 30 miles. Did she see the other lady chip in? If not, next time you see her mention that --oh, it was so nice of __________ to chip in on my gas.