My 7 year old son went to a friends house yesterday before soccer game, he left his fave. pair of shoes at friends house. This morning when I asked him to put on his old shoes he refused saying he didn't like them, they hurt, they fall off and so on. I finally got him in the car (shoes not on the feet yet). When we got to school (20 min away from home) he still had no shoes on. He began to cry and wine and would not get his shoes on, I offered him his rain boots instead, he refused. I had no idea what to do and threatened him with just taking him home. He said cried no, he wanted to go to school, but still would not put any shoes on. I pulled out of the parking lot and drove down the street, he finally said ok he would wear his boots, got boots on (we are now late) he then says he is hungry. I tell him "eat something from your snack as we walk", he refuses (he is still crying about the shoes and now the hunger). I am now so fed up I decide to pick him up screaming and crying and take him home. The whole way home he crys and begs me to go back to school. We are now at home and I don't know how to avoid this in the future. Extremely frustrated. Please help!!!!!!!!
First off, I would like to thank everyone for there wonderful advice and kind words. That is just what I needed. Some of you suggested that their may have been something else going on besides the shoes. He woke up this morning at 5:30, complaining about a neck ache, he couldn't move it to the side and refused to get up. I realized it was bad when he couldn't get up to go the the bathroom. I know that neck pain can be a symptom of serious illness so I took him to the emergency room. Turns out he has a sprained neck. They gave him some medication and he is feeling much better. I think that this may have been a factor in his tantrum yesterday. All of the advice was very useful for now and the future. Thanks again for all of your support and ideas, you are all so insightful.
Maybe something else was going on besides just the shoes? Sometimes little ones don't quite know how to explain that they don't feel well other than to either tantrum or cry and whine. My son once did the same thing, whining and crying and i kept him home because of it and later he was throwing up. I dunno. Just watch him and see if he starts feeling ill in anyway.
Dear A.,
That was not a tantrum, that was a conflict inside him. He is moving into a portion of his development in which he is aware of his peers and what they may think of him. He just needed to get his regular shoes on and then everything would have been okey dokey. His friends would have tortured him all day about the old shoes, boots and eating while walking into the school. O.K.? I know, it is frustrating and scary when your darling child does these crazy things. But, you will do crazy things too when you are in menapause, or having your period, or just trying to please your unpleaseable mother in law, or accidentally burning an important dinner. Life goes on and we learn. Give him a kiss for me.
Sincerely, C. N.
Sounds like he was having a bad day. Perhaps the shoes & hunger were excuses for him just needing some soothing. I know sometimes when I'm having a bad day the littlest things can bother me like a slow driver in front of me or spilling something on my clean clothes just as I'm leaving, etc.
If this behavior isn't normal for him, I would chalk it up for a bad day and assure him that everyone has a bad day once in a while, but that behavior will not be acceptable on a regular basis.
If it happens too often, I would take him to see a doctor. He may be going through something at school or somewhere else that you don't know about and he is using things happing with you to act out.
Good luck.
Dear A.,
Stay strong girl! You did the right thing, just read what you wrote again. When you were strong and turned the car around he backed down and put the boots on. He is testing the limits right now, and you are at home and in control right now, you called the shots and (to him) let the screams and tears roll off your back. He is 7 and wanting to know what he can control and what he can't, he is just testing the waters. It may take a one or two repeats of today but it sounds like he is just normal.
Remember - you are the PARENT, and set the boundaries he will learn them, he will test them but that is normal. My aunt once had to call in sick to work cuz when she dropped off her kids at school, my 10 cousin yelled at her "you are a bad mother and I hate you". she was so upset she missed work, but in the end my cousin is now 21 doing fine and has firm boundaries of her own. Hey, nobody said being a mom was easy. Stay strong!! And remember to pray.
A., Sadly but also fortunately, this whole episode of tantrum would have been avoided if you had done your job, making sure your seven year old's things were in order before it became a problem. The solution is simple and has nothing to do with him. We often blame the stars when the fault is in ourselves. Just spend about fifteen minutes at night preparing his stuff. He can help you, and this is how he will learn to do this for himself, a few months before his wedding day.
Hi- I too have a "strong willed" child, and I can see the same thing happening here at our home. The only thing I can add to the other pieces of great advice here are, 1. Still maintain that you are the one in charge, not the school. and 2. Allow your son to feel that he has some control over himself and the situation. For example, "I am dropping you off because I love you and I know you need to go to school, it is part of what you need to become a grown-up. I know you will be able to problem solve this, just remember that you can't go out to recess without your shoes on. I love you, bye!"
I have a strong willed daughter. There could be many things. Glad you took him in to the doctor and you found out it could have been the strain in his neck that caused him to act the way he did. When my daughter has tantrums as I can only explain them, we start taking things away and she actually has spent a whole weekend in her room before with nothing in it!!! She threw one tantrum the first week of kindergarten and we took everything out of her room, she spent the weekend in her room and believe me, she never did it again. She knows what grounding means now and the consequences if she makes bad choices. But I see you are a single parent and that in itself may be some of the sources of his strong willed character. If it continues, you have the option of having a school counselor speak with him. Sometimes they can offer help and find out what is bothering him and work with to "calm his motor down" or be able to communicate his feelings better to you. But taking things away, like play time with a friend has a big impact on them. Good luck, I still have my fair share of tantrums/meltdowns, you are not alone.
I don't understand why you would allow your son to think that not going to school is a punishment. School is what is go to help him in life. Aren't you a student yourself? Here's a bit of advice take him to school, walk him to class, and explain to the teacher why he doesn't have shoes on. Allow his teacher to tell him why shoes are required to be in class. DON'T EVER DEPRIVE YOUR SON OF HIS EDUCATION FOR SOMETHING AS MATERIAL AS PUTTING SHOES ON! It seems that you are power sruggling with him and that leaves everyone upset and frustrated.
I agree with Nikki, take him to school with shoes (in hand or on his feet) and drop him off. Don't give in or bargin with him because of a fit, it only teaches him he wins that way.
Sounds like he got away with not having to go to school. The consequence of forgetting his shoes, is he doesn't have them to wear until after school when you pick him up. He'll stop the tantrum when you leave and he's with his friends. Otherwise, peer pressure will kick in and he will be embarrassed for acting like a baby instead of a boy. You did the right thing in giving him a choice...old shoes or rain shoes. Then he goes to school. He will push you as much as he can, boys always do that to moms, single or not. (My 10 year old son tries this alot, but not with his dad, his friends do the same. Growing up my brothers did the same thing to our mom, and my husband did the same to his mom...) As a single mom, you really have to work to make sure that he will respect you when you tell him to do something. He's only 7 now, but will really start to challenge you in the next couple of years. If you don't maintain your position as the person in authority, just wait until he's 15 or 16 and wants to do something you told him not to. He will ignore you and do whatever he wants.
Send him to school, and next time, he'll remember his shoes!
Wowsa A.! What a way to start your day. First of all, good job in instilling in him that school is fun. Now about the shoes. He has some deep-seeded attachment to the shoes, natural at 7. Could you have swung by the friend's house to get the shoes? If not, have a little pow-wow with him, when he's in a good mood. Talk about why the shoes are so important to him. Let him talk and you listen. Sometimes it takes awhile for the child to answer, but wait him out. He'll eventually say something. Don't talk AT him but talk TO him. I hope it works for you. I think we all go through stages like this in raising our kids. I wish they'd come with an instruction manual!
best to you and your son,
V. T
I agree with the other moms just drop him off with shoes. He won't get to go to recess without them so he'll end up putting them on. School is important and peer preasure will stop the crying right away.
Don't be upset. You're not alone. My daughter was the same. She will be 8 in November. From last year, I tried to cancel the activities that she really love if she got tantrum. I found it works. Also I awarded her a dollar for the day that she was nice to everybody including me the whole day.
Good luck!
I dont think you should get down on yourself. You did the right thing by bringing him home. If he would have stayed at school he proble would of had a bad day.
I had a simular problem last year with my 6 yr old son. He through a fit all the way to school screaming at me telling me that i was going to make him dume if i did not let him go but i knew that if i let him go then it would have been a really bad day and he would have been in the office half the day.
Letting him know next time that he should be more concess not to leave his favorit shoe at someone else house so he dose not get mad the next morning when he wants to ware his shoes.
It is hard with them at that age for some reason they just dont want to lissen to what you have to say. And if they dont like it its our falt.
but you did the right thing just hang in there i know i am and i am sure someday the will understand ware we are comming from.
I am a mom of 2 kids one 7 and the other 1.
A.,
Before breakfast or any snacks tell your son that he must be dressed. If he refuses to get dressed take him to school with shoes and drop him off. There is enough peer pressure that he will put his shoes on. If not the teacher will send him to the principal. By giving in to his temper tantrum he is learning that the more he screams and cries the more control he has over you. Plus snacks to a 7 year old are like gold. No shoes-no snack. Let him know that it is his choice as to wether or not he will get his snacks.If he choices to scream and not follow directions than he is choosing to use his snacktime, and not school time. If he screams that he is hungry tell him that it was his choice to be hungry. (If I put my shoes on I have time to eat my snack before school starts) Also when he does put on his shoes give him a sticker too and praise praise praise.
Hope this helps!
N.
