Missed AB- Miscarriage Questions

My sympathies and condolences go out to you. Take the time you need to cry and be angry and accept what has happened. It does help to talk to someone--either someone you know or a professional. There is no need to feel as though you need to do it alone.

I've had three miscarriages over a period of 10 years or so...the last was just a year before I got pregnant with my now three year old daughter. It was also the hardest. I was 13 weeks and had JUST told my family the day before. I cried for days.

Ultrasound has a pretty big margin of error. I know you are distraught right now, but they can only give you the information that they have.

I never did have a D&C. My first two were quite early and were just heavy cramping and bleeding. The third was certainly worse...I essentially went into labor for 5-6 hours before it passed. I went through them all at home--there are risks--and got checked out the next day to ensure nothing was retained. I feel like I healed faster, mentally and physically, by letting nature take its course.

There are risks to waiting to let nature take its course...and and risks to going for the D&C. It is the waiting that will be the hardest if you go the natural route.

The hardest part of getting over it is the next pregnancy. My "safe" date with my daughter was the same date as my miscarriage the year before. I visited my midwife's office many more times than necessary to just hear the heartbeat one more time during the first 6 months of my pregnancy...then I was finally able to relax a bit.

First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I had a miscarriage at almost ten weeks; no pains, etc but woke up bleeding one morning. Went straight to the doctor, and they did an ultrasound: no heartbeat. I chose to do the D&C that very day, because I didn't think I could take just "waiting" for nature to take its course. It was a good decision for me, and I didn't have any complications. It meant that the physical healing could be "behind me" and I could work on the emotional healing. We hadn't told too many people we were pregnant yet, and we ended up telling more people at that point, just so they could understand what was going on, why I was so distraught, etc. Turns out I had a "partial molar pregnancy" which meant I had to go for weekly bloodwork for literally six months afterwards. That was more difficult, I'd imagine, since we couldn't start trying again right away: there was a risk if I didn't let a particular hormone level get back to normal first. That was a year and a half ago, and we're trying again now. It still haunts me (my husband and I will say "Wow, he/she would have been a year old now" etc, and that first Christmas afterwards was especially difficult). We have an almost-four-year-old son, too, and he has been such a huge part of our healing.

I wish the best to you. Honestly, I would recommend sharing this with people around you, at least for the support. Good luck to you! :)

I think what you are talking about is called spontaneous abortion. It basically means it wasn't a viable pregnancy, depending on how pregnant you were.
My diagnosis was fetal demise and they never did have an answer for what happened.
I was devastated, to say the least, because I was pretty far along, but I just decided to accept that it all happened for a reason I couldn't understand. There was obviously something wrong with the baby.
I know this is very hard for you right now and I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there and I know it hurts, especially if there are no answers as to why.
I'm not a doctor, but I wouldn't be so set against a D&C because it might not be healthy for you to have remnants inside your body.
In my case, they had me take blood tests to confirm the lowering of the pregnancy hormone to confirm everything before my procedure.
It's certainly not the outcome I expected and there was grief to go along with that for sure. You should give yourself time to grieve.
Be sure to get some help if you feel your grief is leading to a full on depression.
All I can tell you is that it takes time and although you never really forget, you can get through this. I suffered a loss beyond imagining, but thankfully, I have two beautiful healthy children now.
I also find peace in knowing that my baby didn't suffer in any way. It just went to sleep to the sound of my heartbeat one day.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and again, I'm so sorry for you loss.

I have two friends who had this happen several times. They were able to hear a heartbeat, but when they would go back -it was gone -however they never "miscarried" themselves and had to have D&Cs to clean out the uterus. I think it's one of the saddest types of miscarriage because you have all that hope and excitement until you're at the doctor's office! I don't know what they're talking about with the "maybe not" business if they can't get a heartbeat. When are they planning to try again? You should have them do it immediately! First of all, this is emotionally awful for you, and secondly, it's not healthy to go around with a "spontaneous abortion" inside of you if your body isn't going to expel it. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this!

Take your moment. You and your husband and the baby you lost deserve whatever peace you can find.

You do not need to make a decision tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow. But I would offer a few thoughts:

A.) Consider telling someone. Though you won't have to deal with prying and concerned friends because they did not know you were expecting...You might benefit from carefully picking someone who can help you share your grief.
B.) Ask your doctor about other alternatives; which might include waiting a few more days/weeks for a spontaneous miscarriage or the possibility of a pharmacological solution.
C.) A D&C is usually not medically traumatic. It is safe and easy as far as recovery goes. Any road you take will of course be emotionally traumatic so try not to burden yourself with too much worry about the procedure itself.
D.) Life is on one hand a matter of simple biology but on the other it is mysterious. Doctors and science can try their hardest but they simply don't know why things happen the way they do. They will try to allow for a glimmer of hope because we all need to hold onto that.

I have been through this myself and also am a nurse-midwife so I have been on the other side of it. The reason they are saying they aren't sure is that if your dates are even slightly off at the beginning of the pregnancy it makes a huge difference in what they can see on an ultrasound. So for instance 5 weeks vs 6 weeks would mean the difference between just a visible sac and a beating heart. So they are hoping that your dates are off and you are earlier than you thought.

As far as the D & C it is really your choice, there is no magic answer. After a long time has gone by (as in weeks) you are at risk for blood clotting problems and infection if you do not begin to bleed. However, a D &C is a pretty traumatic procedure and carries with it the risk of infections and causing problems with getting pregnant in the future. For myself I chose to miscarry on my own but had I not started to lose the pregnancy within a few weeks I would have opted for the D &C thinking that by then the risks were more equal. That was my feeling after couseling many women through the same thing, seeing several D & Cs, and my feelings on being able to handle miscarrying at home emotionally. Only you can decide for you.

You may feel the urge to talk about it- we had only told two close friends I was pregnant but ended up telling many more about the miscarriage because we had to cancel plans, get some childcare for our other children, etc. I found it was very nice to have that support. Funny that we didn't tell about the pregnancy very early so we wouldn't have to tell people we miscarried and then ended up telling anyway.

Best wishes to you on feeling better soon! It is a hard place to be and a terrible loss, not only of your baby but of all the dreams you have. Please know that things will be better for you again and while miscarriages are very common, most women go on to have healthy babies after going through one. Take care and be easy on yourself.

When I was 6 weeks pregnant, and at my sonogram at that time... the fetus showed 5 weeks gestation. Not 6 weeks. Concurrently, at that time as well, I was having spotting. At that sonogram, there was a heartbeat. Doctor said to watch it, and if I keep bleeding to come back in 2 days.
I was still bleeding, bright red by then... and I went back to see my Doctor. He did another sonogram.... and at that time, the Sac was empty (I saw it empty) and no heartbeat.... I was actively miscarrying. I had no pain or cramping though. Just bleeding/spotting.

I then right there, had a D&C. The D&C is so that your uterus is cleaned out thoroughly, because if any tissue is in there & does not pass and come out fully, you can get infections. Thus, if you let yourself naturally miscarry or pass the tissue... it may or may not happen completely. Thus, a D&C.

I have no idea how your Doctor... ascertains that there could be a 30% chance of being wrong. But if the sac is empty and there is no heartbeat.. then what? So, what are they saying? To come back and do another ultrasound? And when?

all the best,
Susan

Hi! M. P. my name is D. S. - Faith. Faith will see you through this. God loves you. Lean on him.

My first pregancy was a miscarriage. I was devastated. I was about 4 to 6 weeks. I remember missing my monthly and taking a store bought pregancy test. It was positive. Then I saw the doctor and they took a test and my HCG hormone was high. Everything seemed good. Then one night I started spoting and it didn't stop. My husband took me to the emergency room and they ran a HCG Test and at that moment it was fine but by morning the bleeding had not stopped so they took another HCG hormone test and it had dropped. The next thing I knew they were rolling me over to the hospital for a D&C. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. Do you have a strong faith in God? He was the only way I made it through.

My doctor told me that 30% of all first pregancy end in misscarriage. This at least made me feel like there wasn't something wrong with me or my body that would prevent future children. You are mounrning the loss of a life and that is ok. Get angry, cry, beat a pillow it is all ok. But know that you may still have a baby later. As soon as my doctor said it was ok, my husband and I began trying again. And nine months later I had a beautiful baby girl. Don't give up hope on the future. If you have any reason to doubt what your current doctor says then get a second opinion.

I pray that God surround you at this time. You and your husband. I am sure he is mourning too. Hold on to one another and it would be ok to tell your family and friends. They would understand and support you I am sure.
God bless you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. {{HUGS}} Please have the D and C done. A friend of mine lost her baby at 18 weeks. He just stopped thriving just like that and no one knows why either. But she had to be induced and give birth to him. She gave him a name, have him a place in her heart and she never forgets him. The hospital here didn't give her messed up and forgot to deliver the placenta. A week later while she was 2 hrs away visiting family her body went into shock and passed out due to blood loss from her body trying to remove it. If it wasn't for fast acting Drs in Columbia, she probably wouldn't be here today. I'm not trying to scare you but you need to listen to your Drs, ask questions if you aren't sure about something and make sure they are doing everything right!!! Nature taking it's course almost took her away as well.

You also might want to look into counseling for yourself and your hubby. I can't imagine anything worse than the loss of a child at any stage or age. Life does move on from here. My friend went to the Dr to talk a few months later about getting a tubal as they already had 4 great boys. She was shocked to learn that she was already pregnant again and now as a wonderful baby girl.

Good luck
S.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had two miscarriages, 2 yrs apart. One just stopped growing, no heartbeat so they did the D&C...the good part is that you know everything is cleaned out and the slate is good to go. Just have to wait for hormones to return to normal. The second one, I was doing weekly bloodwork and one of the numbers didn't add up right. They did the u/s and no heartbeat. The Dr recommended going into the aborting on my own, which I did. I'd have rathered they just took care of it instead. I did end up with a D&C anyway, but they didn't want to just 'do it'.
I went through testing after that- more medical research vs just for me.... so I knew when my hormone levels returned to 'normal'
After having a neonatal death of my first child, my 2nd was stressful and he was born with no problems. Then the 2 miscarriages and we gave up then. I had my last child a 7 years apart from my 2nd.
Do the D&C.... I was 30 from a hospital and for me, that was more stressful than the miscarriage itself. However, I was able to deal with the miscarriage and resolve my own personal feelings prior to the D&C.
Yes, we told people on both that we were pregnant. Then to untell... not fun. We waiting on my last one til we hit the 3 months.
I wish you God's Blessings as you go through this.... ask your Dr for the name of a counselor or grief group if you need one. Sometimes just having a friend that will be there for you is enough...only you will know.

I just went through it 3 weeks ago. For the first two weeks, I didn't want to go out of my house. I missed work because I didn't want to speak to anyone about it. I would cry all the time. We would cry all the time. I finally figured out that talking to people about it helped with the healing process. I even thought I was getting PPD! Time does heal....but time passes very slowly when you are grieving. Take your time, it's your time.

M.,
I am so, so sorry about the loss of your baby. I had two miscarriages in 2009, one in my second trimester and one in my first. In my early miscarriage in November, they had seen a heartbeat at seven weeks, and then not at eight, so it was a little different than your situation. But like you, I showed no signs of miscarrying naturally short of continual spotting - but no cramps or anything else. I elected to wait it out at least two weeks. That brought me up to the Thanksgiving holiday, and I finally decided to have the D&C because the doctors were nervous about something happening over the holiday and that if I needed to come in I might have to settle for the ER. Plus I just didn't want to miscarry over the holidays and wonder everyday if this was the day. The procedure itself wasn’t bad, and the doctor that did it couldn’t have been more kind and gentle. I think there was also a bit more follow-up care than if I had miscarried naturally. So while it wasn’t my first preference, in retrospect

How do you get over it? I don't think you ever get over it, but you can get through it and eventually move forward. But be patient and gentle with yourself and don't feel bad for feeling sad. You lost a baby - a son or daughter. What you are feeling is normal grief. The intensity lasts different amounts of times for different women (I‘ve heard that 18 to 24 months is normal to move through the stages of grief), but you are describing how I felt after each of my losses.

Two things I found to be indispensable in my journey - 1) immersing myself in what the Bible says about God and loss and comfort and grief (my faith was REALLY tested this year!); and 2) having the support of others who had been through the same thing was a huge help. I found some support online at a Christian site called Hannah's Prayer (www.hannahsprayer.org). There are also great resources at www.nationalshare.org. Also, sometime in the next month I will be beginning an online group for parents in the greater Columbia area who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss and I‘d be glad to give you that information when we are ready to launch it if you want. Also, there are often real-life support groups at hospitals where anyone can attend. I know of two in Columbia (at Baptist hospital and at Lexington Medical Center); I would guess that Greenville has them, too.

I will send you a private message with my contact information. Please let me know if I can help.

K.

Not sure how many weeks into your pregnancy you are. I had a missed abortion in my second trimester - the fetus had stopped growing about 4 weeks prior as well - when there was no heartbeat via doppler - I had an ultrasound - and after the tech and dr. scanning for what seemed like forever - we knew. We had a good friend - who was also an ob-gyn that reccomended I go forward with the d&c - he said I could miscarry anywhere and possibly hemmorhage - and still end up needing the d&c anyway. He also felt it would be less traumatic then to just wait to start bleeding/miscarrying.

I was still in denial - but did schedule the d&c - the morning of my d&c I woke up passing tissue - so I knew it was inevitable. I felt pretty lousy for weeks after - emotionally and physically. Plus - everyone knew we were expecting - I was 4 months along!

I am so very sorry for your loss - It is a loss, it will take time to grieve - but keeping the fetal tissue inside you won't help you emotionally or physically.

You didn't mention how far along you are in your pregnancy and that may have a lot to do with why they can't tell you 100% right now what is going on with the baby. You should have been immediately referred back to your doctor to discuss the results of the sonogram and what do to at this point. The D and C may be warranted to prevent infection in your uterus. Infection can compromise your health and future fertility so take it seriously if the doctor says to proceed with it. I am glad you won't have to tell everyone, but you may want to choose a close friend or relative that you can trust to talk to about what happened. Talking is part of the grieving process and keeping everything to yourself will not help you. If you prefer, you can find a grief counselor talk to by yourself or with your husband, too. It will take some time for you to deal with emotional aspects of the loss, so take the time do it and be respectful of your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve so you can move on when the time is right for you to do so. It's not easy, I know from personal experience, but I hope you can take some comfort knowing that so many others have also had this experience and we understand what you are going through.

My husband and I were in the same boat this past October. I allowed nature to take it's course and did not have a D&C done. To this day I still wonder about the baby and if it was a boy or girl, but we lost ours at 6 weeks. After a trip to the ER and a very long day bouncing back and forth in between doctor offices all I wanted to do was come home and cry. We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy for this very reason. It brought my husband and I much closer together. After a week or so off work I seemed to be a little better, but time was the only thing that has helped heal my wounds. Even after the m/c we only told our parents and a few siblings. My sister was more upset that I didn't tell her that we were pregnant, but we wanted to keep it our little secret until we were 12 weeks along or into the safer zone. Do what YOU think you need to do and if you are not hungry that is totally normal. I cried for about 4 days straight basically until I couldn't cry anymore before I started feeling better. My husband didn't show much emotion, even though I could tell he was hurting too. Take all the time you need to morn your loss because it is a very very hard thing to go through. I wish you well as things will get better with time.

As you can tell from all the responses, miscarriages are far too common. About 1 in 3 pregnancies end in m/c. I was shocked at that statistic when I lost my first baby at 10 weeks. Baby had died about 3 weeks earlier. I chose to wait it out & delivered naturally at home a few days after we found out. It was the best thing for me to experience it naturally. Every person is different & every situation is different. I agree with the other posts that addressed your doctors optimism. If you are off by even a week the results might be very different.

A couple of things. Take time to grieve. Don't ignore this time. Find a way to remember this child. I had just started a Pandora charm bracelet. My husband & I decided to get a charm to represent our first baby. It's one of the best things I did to help in my grieving.

Tell those close to you about the m/c. We had told a ton of people already but I was so thankful for all the support.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. When you are ready you will start thinking about getting pregnant again. Our m/c happened on september 7, 2009. Today we celebrated my daughters baby blessing at church. She is 6 mths old. I'm sad I never got to know my first child but feel that I cherish my daughter more because I know the hurt of loss.

Lasty. There were a lot of friends pregnant & due around the same time my first was due - one was my sister. After the m/c it was really important to me that I was still able to celebrate with them. I continued to grieve but God blessed me with a joyful heart for my friends.

Again - take your time in grieving. Every person is different so how one person handles this situation will not be how you do. I pray you find peace.

I had a missed ab - it was really hard. I did have a d&c, it was just too much once I found out the baby had stopped growing. For me, at that time, the thought of having to go through the miscarriage process on my own at home seemed like too much. I think I made the right decision for me. Like you, the baby probably stopped growing 4 weeks earlier, and I still had all pregnancy symptoms. I was about 11 weeks along when I found out.

Remember that this is a grieving process, and allow yourself to take the time you need to get through it. It is really hard because alot of other people don't understand. But, I really recommend trying to share with at least one or two people so that you have some support. Grieving can become depression, and one of the most important things is to not isolate yourself. Get out & do things even when you don't want to, and also give yourself time to be sad and honor your feelings. Time helps, but so does allowing yourself to slowly get back into your life. Many people do not talk about miscarriages - it's a tough topic, and everyone's experience is so individual - see if you can find someone who's been through it, so you don't feel so alone. If you want, you can always send me a private message as well. Take care of yourself, and I promise that you will get through this. You'll have your ups and downs, and it will slowly get better.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It really sucks, for lack of a better term. We went through this about 3 years ago. It was our first pregnancy. We found out at 11 weeks that the baby had died around 6-7 weeks. We scheduled a D&C for the following Monday, but on Sunday night, I started to miscarry. It was extremely painful for me, and I started to bleed a lot. I ended up calling an ambulance because I was feeling like I was going to pass out. Turns out I have issues with bleeding a lot during birth/ miscarriage. Part of me wishes I had had the D&C sooner and avoided all the pain of the miscarriage, but then I would never have known that I was such a bleeder (I was able to tell my midwife after my son was born and she gave me pitocin). There's no easy choice, you just have to listen to your heart. Miscarrying can be traumatic and emotionally very hard, but you might find that it helps you get through it. Only time will help, and talking with friends and family about your loss. If you need to, see a therapist and be SURE to talk with your partner about how you are feeling. I know people that have had a miscarriage break up their marriage because they avoided all the pain of it and didn't talk about it. It is very hard to go through. Plant a tree in your yard, or a plant to remember your little angel. It will get better. It might help knowing there are many others of us out here that have been through it too, and you have us here for support.

Hugs to you,
T.
www.ReadandGrow.com

I am so sorry for your loss. My best friend experienced the exact same thing, and she decided to let her body handle it naturally. She told me that it wasn't as difficult as she thought it would be, and, for her, it was much like menstrual cramping and bleeding because her pregnancy was still in the first trimester. (I think she was around 10 weeks when she found out.) (Also, she showed no signs of miscarrying on her own until it actually happened.)

I would encourage you to talk to at least one close friend or family member, besides your husband, so they can support you in your grieving process. The life lost should be honored and recognized, and, although there is nothing to say that will make you feel better, I think you will feel better by acknowledging it with those close to you. My friend called me and asked me to tell a select few people so she wouldn't have to do it; she told me what to say and asked if I would tell them that she would call when she felt like talking about it. When she called me back, she explained to me in great detail all that had happened and what it meant medically and emotionally. She said she felt much better talking about it than she thought she would, and she was glad to have support while she waited for the actual miscarriage. She then told me about that in great detail, because that was her way of handling it. She said she felt that if she never talked about it, then it would be harder for her to acknowledge it and leave the haze of shock and disappointment and sadness that was looming. I have another close friend who chose not to disclose about her miscarriage, and, although it happened around three years ago, it still upsets her to think about it.; I don't think she really ever allowed herself to fully grieve for her loss.

My friend told me that, after much internet research, she realized that this was a common occurrence, and it would not prevent her from a pregnancy in the future. The most comforting thing for her was to realize that her body was in control, and that, most likely, the baby did not survive because it had an insurmountable defect. She said she took comfort in the miscarriage having happened at an early stage rather then losing a baby much later or after birth. She also said that she was glad she found out at the doctor's office, because, although it was a shock, she was able to prepare and avoid the trauma of an emergency when there really is nothing that could have been done to help.

My friend was able to conceive again as soon as the doctor gave her the go ahead; she gave birth to a healthy baby boy one year (to the day) of her miscarriage.

I hope this helps, from an outsider's perspective. You are the one who is most capable of deciding what you need, so do what works for you. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

I had a miscarriage at 10-11weeks. Had a D&C with no problems. The only indication I had of anything wrong was spotting, then at the Dr appointment there was no heartbeat. This was years ago so I didn't have ultrasound. I felt sad like you describe, we had already told people but I did want/need the support of friends and family. I did go on to have a healthy viable pregnancy later, although I did later have another miscarriage in between child #2 and #3.
I know it is sad and you should mourn this child and this pregnancy but when you are ready try again. I eventually came to believe that, although I wouldn't have asked for such a thing to happen, I believe that the daughters I did end up finally having were well worth waiting for! Take care and hope you will be ok.

So very sorry to hear this. I did go through this with my first pregnancy. I went for my ultra sound and no heartbeat just a sack... which they told me the baby never even probably started to grow. Just not a good implantation. BUT I wouldn't take that for an answer, I went to two other doctors because I just couldn't believe it. I felt pregnant, my boobs hurt, a felt yucky, so I couldn't believe it...plus I was hoping for a different answer and one of them told me a few more weeks might tell..that maybe I wasn't as far a they thought but in my head (and they knew it too) I was as far as they thought. I had the option for a DandC but my docotor also said they would give me alittle time to abort naturally. WELL.... I would have thought it would have happened right away but it was about another month. Let me tell you, I kept praying that it would change and that the doctors were wrong but they weren't and I finally aborted the baby naturally. That was my choice only because I was told at that time (10 yrs ago) that if I did, I could start trying again in one month verses after a DandC they wanted me to wait 3. BUT I was told that sometimes when you go naturally, your body doesn't get rid of everything and I might end up having a Dand C anyway, Hard choice .... but only I could make it. I did pass everything finally after about 2 weeks. So know that as well, it is not like have a period, it is really hard bleeding all the time, you can't wear a tampon because at some point you will pass the sack:(
That is the point you know it's over and you are no longer pregnant. You will still bleed for alittle bit but not as bad. I hate to be a downer but I want you to know what it might be like. The saddness.... well that doesn't go away..or it didn't for me for a long time. I had read and was told that this misscarriage happens alot to people and it is very common and its true, but it doesn't make the saddness go away. Hang in there! I was able to get pregnant again all though it took me almost a year but God's timing is just so perfect looking back on it and how everyone just fell into place at the right time. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you have had a loss... grieving is normal but try not to let it control your life. I hope I was helpful. M.

M.,
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar situation a few years ago. From a physical perspective, I opted to NOT have a D&C, and instead chose to have an induced "medical miscarriage," which means I used a prescription drug/suppository to jumpstart the process. That went fine. I've heard from friends in similar situations that the whole process of the D&C is extremely upsetting enough. I'm not sure how effective that would be in your case, though. It sounds like you are further along than I was.

From a mental perspective, it is very important to grieve, and not everyone will understand this. I tried to shake it off and ignore the whole process, which resulted in post partum depression and anxiety. I eventually took an antidepressant for awhile to help me cope. It is so important to talk about this with someone - a loved one, friend, mental health professional, so that you can feel you are moving forward with your emotions rather than remaining stagnant.

You should definitely consider finding a doctor/obgyn that you feel more comfortable with and discuss these issues with her.

Good luck, and take care. Feel free to get back in touch at any time. I'm happy to listen.

Jenn

I am so sorry to hear of your lost, and it is often hard for me to understand the insensitivity of professionals. I am glad you are doing well. If you are in to reading there are two books- Bring it to Pass that helps people get over life situations by discussing stategies for greive and loss and An Essential Practical Guide to Family Living that addresses many of family and marital scenarios. They can be ordered at www.destroyingyokes.com
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