Miscarriage Comfort?

Having been through a miscarriage myself (first and only pregnancy) here is my advice: Don't really say anything but "I'm so sorry." People always want to say something that will make the person feel better, but truthfully, nothing any one says can take the pain away. Only time can heal this kind of wound. Allow them to grieve the loss of their child(ren) as you would anyone who lost a child, and let them know that you are there for them, whatever they need. That's what others did for me that was the most helpful.

I have several friends who have been through this kind of thing although 4 in a year and half is extreemly hard. What my friends have said is that it is a real loss, make sure people are not minimizing the loss, whether you met this child or not, the loss is real. Be there to listen if they need it and make sure they have the opportunity and the permission to grieve. You might see if they would be up for a girls night out. Do something fun maybe with a couple of family members and her, get her out and enjoying life and family again. I think it shows how much you care about her that you would ask this, make sure she knows you care and that she doesn't have to face this pain alone. Good luck

Having had 2 miscarriages in the space of 5 months, I can understand what your relative is going through. If you are a praying person, let her know that you are praying for her and her husband! That was a huge comfort to me. There is also a wonderful book called "Safe in the Arms of God" by John McArthur about how you can know that your lost child is in heaven. Don't minimize the loss or say things like "it was meant to be." Losing children to miscarriage is hard to get over physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It is exhausting. Let her talk and grieve as much as she needs to get through this time. Be available to listen. Maybe offer to stop by and do a few loads of laundry, vacuum, etc. while she takes a nap or bath and relaxes. Sorry to ramble - I hope this helps.

H., just be there to talk or help in any way. Ask your family member if there is anything you can do. Simply say you are very sorry for their loss. DO NOT say, "you're young, you can try again." I've had 4 miscarriages. I know that many people don't know what to say, but saying they can try again minimizes their loss. No one would ever think of saying to a parent after they just lost one of their born children, "well atleast you have 2 others." Also don't say you know what they are going through, unless you personally have experienced a miscarriage, because I don't feel many people can imagine what it's like unless they have actually experienced it. Even then, each one is alittle different. I think the most you can do is be available to talk. Try encouraging your family member to get out and go to lunch, for coffee, a movie, etc. with you, being careful to give her plenty of time to grieve. Letting her know that you realize that she does need to go through the grieving process for each and every lost baby. Your presence will mean the most. Even if you just sit there with her. Let her know she can call you anytime and you will help in anyway possible.

We've lost 4. Just knowing someone was there to comfort was great. Unfortunately, since you have 4 kids, your offer may not be the one she choses to take. That's not to say she won't appreciate it. After my first one, I went through a period of depression where I talked to no one, even my DH, my best friend. My husband finally asked a friend of ours to call and ask me to go to lunch. She had been through several miscarriages and she finally got me talking about it. Even now, expecting our 3rd healthy child, it's still not something I talk about often with those who have not been there. Knowing you care and are thinking of her will mean a lot to her. Inviting her to lunch or shopping, etc., but, I know it's hard, but try to keep the conversation off your kids unless she asks. Total girlfriend time. Also, if you know her due dates, send her a card at that time. I had a friend who sent me a one year old birthday card on what would have been our first baby's birthday. I still have that. That meant the world to me. I have another friend who sends me a little trinket each time. I have all 4 and they mean the world to me. Sorry to ramble. I hope some of this helps. Thank you for your consern. That alone will mean a lot.

I have only had one miscarriage and wish people would have at least said, "I know you are hurting and can talk to me whenever you are ready" EVERY time I saw them. Instead of asking once and I said I didn't want to talk and they dropped the subject altogether. I wanted to get back to a normal life and not dwell on it, but talk about it at the same time, make sense? Even if someone had just come over to watch TV with me or helped me clean, anything. Prayers to your friend and you for being such a good friend taking the extra step to try and help her.

when I was younger my mom had 4 miscarriages. and since then she has had friends have miscarriages. Everytime that unfortunate event occurs, she puts together a care basket with some things for mom and a book that she can write in about the pregnancy however long it lasted and when it happened how she felt and it seemed to bring alot of closure and healing. It brings out emotion, but helps the mom heal and still aknowledge that there was a baby and she was pregnant, but there was also a death. I hope it helps and it really doesnt matter how in depth you kn ow her, its the fact that you are doing these things for her to remember the babies and for closure.

I had one last March and people can be really insensitive without trying. Do not tell her "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "I'm sure it was for the best, something must have been wrong." Just listen, tell her you are sorry and ask if she needs anything.

H.,
So sorry to hear about your family member. I treat a number of women who have a history of miscarriage through a form of bodywork called Maya Abdominal Massage. The gentle, external massage improves the health of the uterine lining and brings overall balance to reproductive health, particularly beneficial for sustaining a pregnancy. The web site www.arvigomassage.com will explain more about it as well as give you a list of practitioners by state. In my opinion, the best comfort you could give them is hope for a healthy pregnancy and delivery!
Best to you,
C. G.

I just had a miscarriage back in January, so I understand something of the pain your family member is having.

One of the biggest things that helped me was knowing that there was someone I could call. Three of my neighbors came by and told me that if I ever needed anything, that I should call them.

It was also helpful to have someone else tell me that it wasn't my fault that I lost the baby. It still hurt and I cried a lot, but having someone say that helped remove guilt and self blame that I felt.

Also, have you tried asking her what she needs? Sometimes people are just so afraid of asking for help that they will suffer silently rather than reach out. So if you take the first step and ask her what she needs, and really listen to her response, that may be all she needs right now, someone to listen to her.