Mil's b-day..would You Go?

HI - I can related 100%. I"m not a fan of my MIL and it sometimes creates problems. Anyway, for the sake of my marriage, I pick and choose what I go to. I don't avoid her completely, but I also don't attend everything, just enough so that it doesn't appear too obvious (although it is). Yes, go. Be polite. Smile and then exhale when you leave. All the best.

You should go and you should be smiles AND friendly. That's the hard part about being the bigger person. :-)

I would defintely go. Peace benefits everyone. It doesnt matter if she doesnt say she is sorry. Go because it is the right thing.
You might of read some of my post. My Mil has cancer and now its in her brain/skull.
Previously before she got sick. I never gave up trying to be nice to her but I am not sure she ever liked me. It hurts. I just wanted her and my FIL to have a relationship with their grandchildren..that was the bottom line.
Now she is very sweet to me. She has problems with remembering the simplest things. The whole situation is very sad.
Go for your husband. Go for your daughter. Go for her but do not expect her to say anything. Peace is better than strife.

Christine, Over the months, I have read some of your posts and my heart really goes out to you. In this situation, it really is not about your relationship with your MIL - it is about your relationship with your husband and in time, your children. You are right in that she will probably never apologize, if she ever even realizes she has done anything to upset you. So, just go, be yourself, support your husband, and show your family that you are both a lady and a strong, loving woman. Much peace to you. B.

Yeah, I'd suck it up and go. Really only because I would not want my child to develop a bad attitude toward her Grandma. You know having grandparents is so special. All of mine are dead and have been for awhile and I miss them. So I think just sucking it up for her would be good. Also since you have bowed out a few times it may add fuel to the fire if you don't show for an actual event, less drama is better in the end. And of course if you hubs wants you there, it would do his little heart good if you went. He may not feel like it either but it's his mom and he may need his partner in life to get him through!!;) So my vote is yes, go!!

Your poor husband! To be caught up in the middle of his mother & his wife....(sigh). Girl, he WANTS you to go! The fact that he SAID he did & mentioned margaritas for you proves it :-)

Do it for HIM, and be polite & nice.....

Besides, it's not about "being the bigger person" - it's about keeping your enemies close, if you catch my drift. I've not read your other MIL drama posts, but I'm assuming there's much more than what you've just posted in this question.

That said, catch flies with honey ;-) If it really is the MIL that's the drama queen and not you, then everyone in the extended family already knows it - they've been dealing with her for years! If you arrive at the party with your best genuine smile & a nice gift (candle, bottle of her favorite wine, cd of her favorite music, etc....) you put HER on the spot to be the "witch" !

Put your very best acting hat on & GO ! When I go into situations like this....I repeat over & over in my head, "Sweetness and Light, Sweetness & Light"....works like a CHARM!

p.s. Don't speak of this drama anymore to your man....just go, be polite & nice. If he asks you about the turn around in your behavior, just smile sweetly & kiss him - that's ALL you need to do! You will be his HERO! :-)

Yeah I'd go. She's gonna be your family for life. She ain't going anywhere. Might as well attempt to bury the hatchet sooner rather than later. Holidays are coming up. Just get this visit over with and you'll feel better going to the next ones.

And yes, some families just function in the "move on" fashion where there aren't much apologies or rehashing or closure of things that happen.

The longer you don't go the more you look like the petty person holding a grudge over silly things (not that the things you are mad about are silly, just sayin'... that's how it starts to appear as time passes)

Just be cordial. It's family. What can you do.

I think it is a nice gesture on their part to extend the invitation to you considerin all that has happened. It could be a way to express a "truce" and move on. Even if an apology is never expressed on her end I think you should make it a point to be there for your husband and your daughter. I think it is great that you have not come between your husband and his mom nor your daughter and her grandmother. Each one of them is entitled to build their own non-biased relationship with her on teir own. It is sad that your relationship w/ her has not been good. I have read your previous posts and she has definately crossedthe line on several occasions. However, with that said, she is someone that will be a part of your life "until death do you part" if nothing more because she is your husbands wife and your daughters grandmother. Now that you are aware of what she is capable of doing you can make sure that these things do not happen again but sitting down with her and make sure she understands your rules. She had her shance to raise her kids and now it is your chance. I think that you and your husband should also sit down and make sure you both agree the boundaries of your MIL so that IF anything happens in the future he is on board and has your back and will stand up to his mother as well. Also, the more you participate and are involved with your family the more you will open her eyes to the fact that nothing and no one will ever stand or divide your family. I wish you the best of luck and enjoy the margaritas!!!

Go. Drink a couple margaritas. Set up the length of time you will be there before hand w/ your husband. My inlaws are a pain in the butt. and setting up lines before hand really helps. i can look forward to the definite end time. bottom line, your husband wants you to come, these are your daughters grandparents. Do you want her to think it is ok to hate some one? that is the message she is getting. suck it up, be a grown up and do go.

Go. Do it for your husband.
Do not let your daughter away from your lap or apron strings.
Allow yourself to feel comfortable and enjoy the event, if possible.
Don't expect an apology, and don't bring up past events.
If MIL says or does anything strange, just respond with something like
"Imagine that" or "Really?" or "You don't say".

I have read your previous stories.

Allowing your daughter to be around her without you present is a bad idea. Maybe she doesn't understand now, but as she gets older your MIL WILL badmouth you to her, and try to turn her against you.

I wouldn't allow your husband to take her to your MIL's. But that's just me.
As far as margaritas, I imagine that drinking could make a volatile situation even more so.
If you are just going to be irritated and resentful by going, then don't put yourself through that. You have zero obligation to this woman, who has already been given too many chances.

Why not plan a fun outing for yourself and your daughter that day instead? Then your husband can visit his family and you and your daughter can have a nice time together.

"Being a bigger person" sounds nice, but not at your own expense. If you can do it with no anger or resentment, then go ahead, and more power to you!

Sometimes, you have to just let things be and go. You can be firm, reserved and friendly all at the same time. It's a talent one has to learn to master. It will be a good example to your little girl, and try to enjoy the time and not nitpick her weirdness for your own sanity.

Hi Christine,

Ever heard of the drama triangle? It takes 3 people, Victim (you in this case), persecutor (MIL), and rescuer (husband). As long as each does his/her identity in each position it will remain the game. Often times the positions change, for example, refusing to go to the events and letting your husband represent the family allows the MIL to become the victim, and you the persecutor, your husband continually falling into the rescue position. All it takes is one person to stop playing the game, the triangle can't hold up. This is your chance to stop playing the victim role.

Good luck,
Wendy

you should go!
be honest and open with her, she is family of course. but be tactful! dont yell or anything (drinking can bring out the worst in people, so you probably shouldnt do that either)
just go for the love of your husband and respect his family. he would do the same for you, right?

I would go. She's your MIL and you can't avoid her forever.

I am a grudge holder so I would really have to think about it. And margaritas would not help the situation as I do not drink and if I did it I would probably blurt out something not so nice. ENOUGH ABOUT ME!! LOL! I am a firm believer that just because your related does not mean you have to kiss butt. The only reason I would go is for my husband and daughter. So the family would know that you are a united front. I would be polite but distant. And I would make sure hubby knew when you want to leave, he has to stand behind you and leave. Until things get better I would try baby steps. But I would not trust her, as she will disappoint you again and again. Just be ready. But for my family I would take one for the team.

I think you should go when you think you can be the bigger person. I know what it's like to hate family events and if you don't think you can handle it, make your excuses. When you're ready to just suck it up, then make your appearance and be polite.

I've gone to family stuff when I didn't want to with the idea that I was doing it for my hubby, or his daughter, or the "sake of the family" and it wasn't worth it to me. I was miserable beforehand worrying, miserable there, and miserable after with the backlash about my behavior, gossip, etc.

I've been much more sane making my excuses and staying away from the drama. By that I also mean not hearing about the event from my hubby and asking that he not tell me any gossip he has heard about me.

When I feel like I can go with a smile, I go.

I've found it best to concentrate on my immediate family and their needs and let the drama with his mama go and be drama somewhere not in my vicinity!

My answer is probably not the popular one, but it works for me and my situation. You just have to find what makes you sane. Your sanity is important to your family too.

Updated

I think you should go when you think you can be the bigger person. I know what it's like to hate family events and if you don't think you can handle it, make your excuses. When you're ready to just suck it up, then make your appearance and be polite.

I've gone to family stuff when I didn't want to with the idea that I was doing it for my hubby, or his daughter, or the "sake of the family" and it wasn't worth it to me. I was miserable beforehand worrying, miserable there, and miserable after with the backlash about my behavior, gossip, etc.

I've been much more sane making my excuses and staying away from the drama. By that I also mean not hearing about the event from my hubby and asking that he not tell me any gossip he has heard about me.

When I feel like I can go with a smile, I go.

I've found it best to concentrate on my immediate family and their needs and let the drama with his mama go and be drama somewhere not in my vicinity!

My answer is probably not the popular one, but it works for me and my situation. You just have to find what makes you sane. Your sanity is important to your family too.

Be friendly, but not friends. It sounds like she is a nutter, so don't let your gaurd down. Work out a system with your hubby to let him know when you are ready to go, and/or have alternate plans to go somewhere at a certain time. I would not drink, as that would mean I would not be able to drive if I absolutely had to escape. You can always leave your hubby there 'to visit' while you do your alternate plan... kid party with daughter, whatever... made them before you heard about this one, promised the baby, so sorry, blahblah get the heck out... It always pays to have an escape route... =)
Good luck!
R.

I say go...maybe she'll surprise you and it'll never get better unless you all are around each other.

Good luck.
-M

You should go. Life is too short to hold grudges and this woman is very important to your husband and daughter. Even if she was wrong and won't apologize, you can't change her. We all make mistakes, and we have to accept our in laws the way they are.

I would go for your daughter's sake. Try to put the past behind and go for your family (you, husband and daughter).

No matter how wrong she is, she need to suck it up and go. Be the bigger person. If you don't it will just get worse. My MIL is a certifiable nut job, and I avoid her as much as possible. But I would never not attend a family function that would be too obvious. I just spend the entire weekend with my MIL - basically to be nice and keep her happy. As long as she's happy, my life is so much easier. If she's not happy, she could make my life a living hell. Look at the big picture. Is it worth making a point and upsetting her? It will just escalate the issue. Just go and be nice. No one says you have to be her best friend. And if she does something that upsets or offends you, perhaps use that as an opportunity to make your exit. But don't make a scene.

I would go and try to make peace for the day and try to enjoy your family.

I wish you the best.

I would go...just take the high road. You've gotten some great advice on this post...follow it. I wanted to add...don't play into your MIL's drama and if she starts any baloney, cut the visit short and leave. Just make sure that your husband knows that that is what you plan to do if she starts acting up. He needs to understand your feelings which are just, and needs to support you in this. You both need to be on the same page with this. I know it's tough, hang in there. Good luck:)

Just my 2 cents,

M.

I've read your previous posts and so feel for you. I might go just to make sure she doesn't do anything else crazy with my daughter. And to keep an eye on her clothes and shoes. I like the other posters who mentioned an escape route. Does your daughter have a set nap-time that might make a good excuse to get home for? I've used that one before.

I do not know the background, but this is really not about you. Look at it from your children’s perspective and think about how they will feel for the years to come if you do not act in a manner that is in their best interest. It is really not about being the bigger person as much as it is about creating an environment that is best for your children. So, I would go and have fun. However, you do need to address your relationship with your MIL – for the children’s sake, but her party is neither the time nor place. Be honest with her. Remember, it is not about arguing to win, but arguing to resolve the situation in your children’s best interest. That may mean you need to make concessions. When you talk to her, let her know that is the place you are coming from as well (children's best interest) and for the sake of the children you want to have a better relationship. That may need start by establishing boundaries that you both can agree on . . .

Go for your husband's sake. It's once a year. Not monthly like the visits. Bend a little. :o) Don't drink, it might nerve you up to give her a piece of mind! However, I don't think it's the time to make amends. Just enjoy yourself to your comfort level. Don't pretend to be something or feel what you're not. Interact with your children, they are healthy distractions.

If my husband asked me to go, I would go. My mom is the MIL that used to be a pain to deal with, but my husband would tolerate her for my sake. One day, although not pleasant, is a small commitment from you, but will make things less stressful for your husband. Ask your husband ahead of time if it can be a shorter visit, like only an hour or two. But, if you go, you will be doing it for your husband and he will appreciate you so much! Maybe you can get a back massage out of it!

I would go, purely because your MIL won't be expecting it. It sounds like there will be other people there and your daughter, so you can be "distracted" with them. I kind of had a similar situation as you and I would have went just to be the bigger person. Maybe don't have too many margaritas though!! :-)

I remember your previous post ... yeah, I think I would go. Suck it up, be the bigger person, bite your tongue and smile. Who knows? Maybe she's planning on doing the same thing for once and peace will prevail! :) Very best of luck!

You should go. There are so many more things to worry about in this world (for instance a little boy, 7, in my daughter's class died last week), so we really have to put thing into perspective.

My husband's parents talked him into breaking up with me after a year of dating, and he did. We were apart for a year and then got back together. His parents did not want to get together with me when they were in town. Then when he proposed, they said he is making the biggest mistake. I still hung in there with kindess if I had to, and now, ten years after getting married my father in law told my husband he sees my like another daughter and loves me dearly, so it all worked out.

My X-sister in law, whom my parents did not accept so easily because of religion too,, never got over it after my parents were trying hard to remedy it. I always thought poorly of her since I had gone through worse than she and tried to look the other way. She and my brother ended up getting divorced anyway.

You have to remember they are older and have their own ways. Just let her know, when she does those things, that you are the mom and will make those decisions yourself. It will only get worse if you leave the gap open.

Family is the most important thing, so try your best to work through it. You will look like a wonderful person in so many eyes. I know it will be hard, but for your husband and kids, try.

Good luck.

Go to the party. Do it for your husband even if you don't want to go at all. Put on a friendly face and smiles even if it kills you inside. Show your husband how much you love him by reaching beyond your comfort zone. Maybe you can have a conversation ahead of time asking him to please be your rock and support you 100% should anything happen again at the party. Ask him to be a united front with you even if that means leaving together.

Liquor it up! You already know what's going to happen so make the best of it. I would, then your MIL will either never invite you again or invite you all the time. Either way, have a good time and show face at least a few times a year so she doesn't think she won.

I would go and I would act happy and pleasant about it (what good does it do to NOT be all friendly and smiles) and I would not allow your daughter to be alone with her. Unless you and your husband mutually decide that your daughter is not going to have a relationship with this woman, then there will be times that she will be around her. Based on your past stories, I would make sure that I was present for all time that they spend together. And, if you are going to have to do that, then you have to buck up and be the bigger person and act pleasant. It's a good life lesson for you daughter to be kind, loving, and nice to people when we don't feel like it and even when they may not deserve it.
Like the others said, in order to stay strong and behave in the most mature way possible, I would hold back on the margaritas and tough it out. Have hubby reward you with a pitcher when you get home!!

Right now, your daughter won't notice or care if you go, but the older she gets, the more you'll need to BE the bigger person, so she can see that example.

I would go to the party. I would not feel that I had to be all smiles, and I would tactfully bring up anything that was upsetting me if it was appropriate to the conversation, and I would feel free to leave early if I just couldn't stand it any more. Still, I would recognize that the occasion is NOT about me or apologies. You are doing this for 1. your own self worth, 2. your husband and 3. your daughter. (Trust me, I've had to navigate many a land mine in extended family relationships - those are the most important considerations!)

Hello
because it is your daughter's birthday, I would in fact go. I sometimes don't always want to hang out with my MIL .. However, because she is my son's grandmother, I do make the extra effort even if it bothers me which at times it does.. it's just one of those things you have to take the high road on. The reason I try and take the highroad when it comes to grandma is because when I was growing up, my mom didn't get along with my grandma , let alone many relatives and because of that, kept us kids from seeing them. TO this day, I vowed to NOT do that to my son , in fact if anything, I try and nurture his relationships with grandma and others. I think it's so important that kids learn to have healthy relationships with people even if WE adults can't. Kids mirror our behavior so if your daughter sees that you are willing to go to grandma's house, this will set a good example for her that family comes first and is important and hence, she is important.
I would go.

I would go. I know it will probably be a sucky evening but she is your mil so I would suck it up and be the bigger person. I also would have your daughter seated next to you and not let her out of your sight!!!!!

Good luck and enjoy the margaritas!!

In your scenario, I'd say don't go. I don't believe it's always the best course of action, but in your case, I'd say it is. I've been following your MIL posts and I don't see any good coming of you going. I think P.K. outlined many good reasons why.

Also, don't feel guilty about not going. It's totally okay, to not put yourself in a very uncomfortable situation caused by someone else just to 'be the bigger person'. You can't always be the bigger person in this relationship - you'd just be the person who gets walked all over by your MIL if you always have to bow to her needs. If it were a one time thing that you thought had a chance of working out, I would say go, bury the hatchet and start making steps to fix the relationship, but anyone who's read all of your posts on the subject of your MIL knows that it's a lost cause.

In other words, only go if YOU truly feel comfortable with going. Don't go and suck it up just because you feel guilty.

Also, the advice T.A. from Torrance was well-written and pretty much what I too am trying to say;)

Best of luck,
S.

I haven't read your previous posts, but yes, I would go. She's going to be a part of your family's life for a long time, whether you like it or not, so you should be the bigger person and attend her birthday celebration. I'm sure there will be enough people so you don't have to sit next to her or talk to her outside of a few minutes of polite/civil conversation.

While getting rid of shoes and clothes and cutting your daughter's hair are certainly annoying and you have a right to be unhappy, there are many MIL's out there doing a lot of worse things.

Hi Christine, I think you should go. Having a forgiving heart will teach your daughter how to have a forgiving heart. Forgiveness is always a positive thing, especially for the one who is doing the forgiving. Your MIL was wrong in what she did, no doubt about it, but that's the past, and you have the future ahead. And wheather you go with smiles or not is really a decission on your part, as well as wheather you go. I think if you go you will feel good about your decission. J.

Like it or not, she is your mother in law till death due you and your husband part! You just need to go for your husband. It is your husbands request. Just have a stipulation, that if she goes into a tizzy or rant about anything, you reserve the right to leave and leave right then! Visit with everyone else, enjoy your time with other members of the family. She is who she is and you are who you are. Get over it and move forward. It will make it easier for your husband and even for you.

Just go, be pleasant, don't drink too much, etc. Every family has people that get on our nerves, but ya just have to suck it up. Find someone else to talk to, it sounds like there will be other family there to break it up.

I would just swallow my pride and go, be nice, and pretend like nothing is wrong. Sometimes that's just the way you have to be in life. If you do that enough times, your relationship with her just may get better!

Hello, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. I would go and give her one last chance to be able to control herself. I would keep my daughter close and not give her the chance to be alone with her ANYMORE. You will be the bigger person. You don't have to pretend that everything is okay, but I can guarantee that if you don't go, the rest of the family will think it is all you.
Good luck with your decision.
K. K.

You have to suck it up for your husband. You don't have to love her, just be polite. And perhaps arrange for your husband not to say forever, or to go later and leave earlier? Good luck!

I understand your position...I don't get along so well with my MIL and would rather not be alone with her. In time, my defenses have come down and today she left a message to tell me she wouldn't be coming to my daughters party and sounded a bit down. I suspected it wasn't because she couldn't come so I called my husband to see if he new what was wrong and he was busy, so...I said I would call her and find out.

So, if you don't feel up to it, then wait and give it time. When you are ready you will be there.

Yes, it's one thing to be the bigger person but if you're still angry and irritated, it will be very hard to be nice in the presence of your MIL. I actually don't think your husband understands the magnitude of your anger if he says that there will be plenty of drinks to help. You don't want to end up saying or doing something you're going to regret.
If you miss the birthday, it will be pretty obvious you're avoiding her. But your sanity and emotional health comes first. Ask yourself what's going to make you a better wife and parent. Do you really need to be miserable if you can just avoid the drama? On the same token, would you be more miserable making an effort to be cheerful at the party or hearing comments about your behavior later?

I think you would be setting a bad example to your children to be false to yourself, don't go . I think you set a better example being true to who you are. If you decide to go to future functions make sure to have a recorded conversation with her first about what has happened in the past & that you have boundaries & she must keep them with your children. Let her know she stepped over the line & how that makes you feel. Let her know how her actions make you feel. Best of luck. Showing your children that they do not have to put up with putting themselves in an awkward situations just for the sake of their loved ones or to make everyone besides themselves happy is a better example. You want them to learn to trust their instincts, It's usually when we start ignoring our gut feelings that we start getting into trouble.