MIL Buys Gift for Sibling of Birthday Child

You can't dictate what she does.
She's doing it out if the goodness of her heart.
You can't contr the actions of others.
Try to be grateful.

This isn't a hill worth dying on.

Grandmas tend to do this. You don't have to, but don't make her stop, please. It's not that big of a deal, and you can easily explain to the kids that only grandma does this. It will not make them spoiled or entitled. It's just a treat from grandma.

I think it is ok for Grandma to do it. It's just one person in their lives who is doing it, so I doubt it will lead to being spoiled. If it was other people I'd probably say something to the gift givers. Grandma gets more leeway.

She is the Grandmother, why are making this a negative thing she does. I think it is wonderful she thinks of all her grandchildren. Grandmothers are allowed to do this.

How would you like to have a dragon MIL who does not even acknowledge your children at all or only one of them of their Birthdays.

I would look at this a very loving gesture and her tradition. Grandmothers job is to spoil. Let her spoil. Do not search or look for things she does to dislike. Count her as a blessing.

Believe me seeing my kids faces when mine were not even called by their names by my MIL ....it was always " Who'sa ma jiggy" or that's " What's his face". Watching their younger brother open a card or gift knowing they NEVER received one. She sends a check for his birthday and for Christmas. I do not even acknowledge them anymore, never cashed her stupid checks either.

Let your kids enjoy a wonderful Grandmother.

Awe. This is what grandmas do. It is her love language. I'd let this one go:)

I agree with you, and I hate when people do this. I think it takes away from the actual birthday person. What's the point of having a "special day" if all the siblings get a present from Grandma? It's just like the teams who don't win the playoff game still getting trophies. It's stupid. Teaching your kids to celebrate OTHERS on their special birthday, winning games, dance performances, etc... is a beautiful thing to instill in a child. That simple phrase, "learn to celebrate others", can go along way in helping your child not become an egotistical jerk when he/she is an adult. I'd kindly ask your husband to tell her to stop and explain to her why. She can shower the siblings on their own accomplishments when they come. Good luck!

We've always done that in our immediate family. My parents used to do that for my sister's children. Sadly, both of my parents passed away before my girls were born. My sister's and I carry on the tradition with our kids now.

The birthday girl is the main attraction of course it's her day. The other girl also receives a small gift as well. Usually, coloring books, sidewalk chalk, some small inexpensive toy.

I've always thought it was a sweet thing to do. That's just how we were raised. I vividly remember my parents would buy treats off the ice cream truck for ALL of the kids playing outside with us if they bought for us. Believe me when I tell you we were not rich by any means. My parents just believed if you couldn't do for all the children there at the time, then you didn't do it for any of them. I did notice that not all parents did that. There were plenty of times when we'd be playing at a neighbor's house when the ice cream truck came through. Some of the parents would buy for all of the kids playing at their house and others would only buy for their child.

I think you might be over thinking this a little. Kudos to you for wanting to ensure your children do not become entitled spoiled brats :) But I really don't think this scenario lends itself to becoming entitled. Now if she brought them presents every time see visits then you might have a problem with them expecting a gift whenever they see her.

Consider yourself and your children blessed that she is so thoughtful and let this one slide.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

Oh, let this one go. Do not make this a big deal. When my younger sister and I were growing up, my grandmother did this.... for a few years. It was actually quite nice and since we were younger (once a child turned 8 or so, it stopped) it made birthdays feel good for both of us.

I can assure you that we aren't spoiled or entitled. :) This is about your MIL wanting things to go smoothly, not wanting the other kid to feel bad that they get nothing. She's really trying to be kind. Let her. This isn't the issue to fall on one's sword over. I understand your fear and concern, but isn't this also why we often offer goody bags at a birthday party...so everyone walks away with *something*? We should be able to treat family as well as we treat guests.

Tell you what-- if it's still going on when the older one is ten, have your husband talk to her. For right now, I'd really let it go and the kids will know, as we did, that it's a 'grandma' thing. I understand about learning how to honor someone else's 'special day', but I also think that there is a lesson in being magnanimous about someone else getting attention or receiving a gift on one's birthday. It's not all about 'me me me', right? Being considerate of feelings should go both ways.

My MIL always gave $20 to the non-birthday kids . . . we usually just lauged about it. It's one of those things that got more endearing as the years went on.

Only you can decide if it "crosses the line." If so, then I'd gently ask her to stop doing it. Better yet maybe your husband could talk to her (easier coming from her son).

If it's not that big of a deal then I'd let it go. If you're like me you will look back on these years and wish you didn't "sweat the small stuff" so much.

I have mixed feelings about this - while I think the birthday child should have "their day," I certainly wouldn't make a big deal about it. If you decide you DO want it to stop, your husband is the one that should talk to her, not you! BUT I would certainly tell him not to tell her you're the one who wants it to stop.

If this is the worst thing you MIL does, consider yourself lucky!! I've got a MIL from hell for sooooooooooooooo many reasons!!! One of which, when it comes to gift giving, my husband will tell her specifically what to get and she'll get something that she KNOWS we would not be happy about! Those items end up in the Goodwill Box.

In my opinion, I'd just be careful when it comes to picking your battles!!

Good luck!!!

If it's just grandma, it's a grandma thing. And as long at it's a little token, and not something of equal value. Like, if it's an "i was thinking of you, too" gift as opposed to a "we have to be equal" thing. They are far apart in ages, and it only happens once a year, so unless it gets out of hand, I don't think it's a big deal.

I would say you could mention it BEFORE the birthday for next year, and put it in that context. Don't do it ON the birthday, cause that's just asking for drama.

I wouldn't worry about it. Birthdays are once a year, so your kids are getting a gift twice a year from their Grandma. Some grandparents bring gifts every time they visit. I understand your concern. You don't want them to expect presents from anyone, especially on someone else's birthday. But a couple of presents from Grandma each year isn't going to do that. Keep encouraging them to be thankful, and they'll be fine.

Sorry, but I just don't see this as a problem. My mom always did this when we were growing up, and my brother and I are none the worse for wear.

Please just let your MIL do her thing. If you're generally on guard for your children turning out spoiled/entitled, then a small sibling gift here and there isn't going to undo all that.

Instead, think of setting an example of graciousness and gratitude.

i don't like it either.
but it's such a little thing. i wouldn't make waves about it.
khairete
S.

I finally got it through my head that I can't control what Grandma does :) so now, I go with the flow.. she always means well and I try and take that into account.

I don't think it's that big of a deal. My mom does this too. She gets the birthday child a few presents and she gets the sibling one smaller "unbirthday present". She used to do that with my brother and I as kids also. I did not turn out entitled. If it really bothers you I guess just ask her not to do this.

I agree with you but as long as she's doing it for both (not just one-sided about it) it's not horrible. What you can do is when the sibling gift is presented, you could take it and say "Oh, thank you so much. Let's just put this up until later, right now it's "birthday child's name" party."

I don't like it, for all the reasons you mentioned. However, she's the grandma, and grandmas tend to bring gifts even when it's no one's birthday. I think you can counter her generosity with how you talk about it to your kids. You can stress to them that grandma is very generous and that was totally unexpected and wasn't that nice, etc. Cause I don't think you can stop her, lol.

If you feel so strongly about it, you'll have to come out and tell her so. How will you do that? Would you rather she not give gifts at all, or can you explain to her that you'd rather the presents be only for the birthday child AND that she's a wonderful grandmother?

"Oh, you didn't have to" is a polite phrase that usually means, "Thank you." No wonder she didn't catch your drift! :^)

You can run your house any way you want, but I'm a little bit in MIL's camp, too. Growing up in my house, the birthday child got all the presents, and there was no problem with that. With my children, the birthday child got all the presents, and there was no problem with that. Now I'm the grandma, and the birthday child gets nearly all the presents, but there's a little (little is the operative word) something for the others - not to spoil my grandchildren any more than my job description requires, but just for fun. There hasn't been any feeling of "entitlement" at all from the grandkids so far; if that actually happens, I'm stopping.

I know of folks who do this...I don't ,,not something my family has ever done (and my budget is limitted anyways)...I'd let it go...she's the grandma

As a rule I don't like the idea, but somehow it seems ok for a grandma to do it.

How lucky your children are to have such a thoughtful grandmother.

My mom did this when I was growing up. My brother and I are 13 months apart. I also bought my son a little gift on his baby sisters birthday.

It's a grandma thing totally!!!!! My mom does not do it but my sister in laws mom does it with her grandkids. Don't worry about your kids getting spoiled that's what grandmas are for.

While that DOES sound a bit strange to me, I would say as long as your MIL is the only one doing this I don't think you need to worry about your kids getting spoiled.
Now if they expected everyone to bring them a gift on their sib's birthday that would be a different story.
And grandmas are supposed to spoil them a little bit, right? :-)

I know my mom used to do this with my niece and nephews, who were much older than my kids, and I knew others who did the same. I didn't agree with it, and I had let her know that when I had kids, I did not want this. I feel that the birthday child should feel special and the other child should know that it's simply not their day. It's not like they'll never have their own birthday. In the end, the point was moot for my own kids, as their birthdays are six days apart, so they always received their gifts from family at the same time.

This is not something I would scold my MIL over, that's for darned sure. Your kids aren't going to be spoiled/entitled because once a year they receive a small gift from your MIL on their sibling's bday. I mean, really! Let it go.

My mom does it. Not sure why but it has never caused a problem.

As long as it is just HER that is doing it, and not everyone else, and it's just a little something, I don't think it's a big deal or worth saying anything about it. I can see where if everyone was doing it, it would be a problem. In my husband's ex-wife's family, they would do this with their 2 boys - there was the birthday kid, and then the brother, and whomever's birthday it wasn't, they got almost as much stuff as the actual birthday kid. Plus their birthdays were only a month apart and they are only 13 months apart in age, so it started turning into an issue. The older kid felt like the focus was taken off of him and he and his brother were always lumped together. The younger kid would get all nutty over what he was getting for not only his birthday, but for his brother's birthday as well, instead of learning that his brother's birthday was more about his brother and not about him. Their mother finally had to put a stop to it. If it starts turning into a problem like that with your MIL, then I might say something, but otherwise, I would let this one go.

I have a friend who does this. Just let it go.

You have a considerate MIL. What's your complaint, exactly?!!

My ex-MIL used to do the same thing and it bothered me bc I wanted my children to understand and support their sibling without it also having to be about them. I didn't want them expecting to receive something b/c their sibling did. It really only stopped when we moved and only saw them to celebrate both birthdays together.
You can try and have a casual conversation about it, but in the grand scheme of things you have to decide if its worth it to potentially offend her.

My grandmother is like this and tries to make me do it. She thinks that if one kid (or adult, for that matter) gets something, then the other should, too, to spare feelings. I told her that it's important to me to show people that they're special and that all moments don't have to be shared. I know that it stems from her own unresolved insecurities.

Regarding the kids, I would probably let her know that the second kid will receive his/her present at a later time, so that the birthday sibling can have that moment to him-/herself. She'll probably tell you that that defeats the purpose, and you can tell her that that is the purpose. If she goes behind your back and gives it, that's a bigger issue and requires a bigger conversation.

I would tell her that you appreciate her thinking of all the grandkids, but birthdays are special events for the birthday child and she should save the extra gifts for the sibling's actual birthday.

I'm honestly very surprised at the number of people who do this based on the responses. I was always taught that your birthday was your day and my sister's birthday was HER day and it wasn't about you. You each got a special day to yourself. Even now if we celebrate with SD and DD on the same weekend, we try to give each girl her own family day (their birthdays are a week apart).

My MIL and mother do the same thing.

My mom does this with my kids. She is the only one though...so the non-birthday kid only gets 1 small gift. They are hardly spoiled and it keeps anyone from feeling left out...my kids are pretty young, both preschoolers. Birthdays are fun celebrations for all, but extra special for the birthday person.

Personally, I think 3 is old enough to understand that it's another child's birthday and they are the ones getting presents right now, BUT, I also don't think it's a big deal if people get something small for the non-birthday child(ren) at that age. If I had to draw a line on it, I'd probably say 4 is the oldest I would want my kids to receive gifts on a sibling's birthday. HOWEVER, that's where I draw my own personal line. Everyone is different and has different opinions. If you're not entirely comfortable with it, let it go for the 6 year old's birthday, but before the 3 year old's next birthday, ask that she not get a gift for the older one for X, Y, or Z reasons. If she's got her heart set on it, ask her to limit it to a small book or something like that.

Oh girl! Be so thankful you have a grandmother that spoils your children equally. :)

I think this is the sweetest idea. Try thinking about it this way: Your MIL wants both kids to feel special. The non- birthday child has something new to play with (so s/he will not try to play with the new birthday gifts.) And there is less pressure for the birthday child to "share" the new toys with a sibling.

It is a gift for you as well!

When you think of it, on each birthday your other child became a big/little brother/sister. A big moment in life. Let you MIL's gift celebrate this moment.

I do not think this will make your children spoiled/entitled at all. I think this is a great example of being considerate of everyone's feelings and wanting everyone to feel special at a celebration. And THAT is what can be communicated to your kids.

Thank your MIL. She loves your kids.

T. Y
SAHM of 5
(12, 11, 5, 3 and 16 months)